Starting over has never been easy for me. But, all the times in my life where I've had to... I learned that even though it's not easy, and does take a while, it's still possible.
Last year, I didn't think I'd ever be where I was two months ago, even last month... There have been some things I have been learning. I always learn, and when I don't, I repeat the same mistakes until I do. Such is the way with most people.
Tomorrow is the lunar eclipse. All I can think of that corresponds to that is Total Eclipse of the Heart.
The moon has to do with our emotions. I'm trying not to feel as much now. I'd love to be able to feel nothing at all. I used to drink to try not to feel anything, but in the end it didn't work. I can't shut my heart completely off. I can't pretend that I don't have one. Even when it breaks, It can still be healed. With time and a lot of effort.
Besides, there are things I need to do. I shouldn't be thinking about matters of the heart. I wish I could just stop. And start other things. Things that will be better for me than feeling things that I don't want to feel anymore. I guess, maybe, it all was to show that I COULD still feel something. Even when I thought I could not. I know I still CAN feel, but do I want to now? No. Feeling means hurting. I don't want to hurt anymore.
I know that not everything is meant to be. I've always known it. Doesn't make it any easier, really. I know that knowing that should make a difference. It should. I know lots of things should make a difference. And maybe they will, eventually. Maybe, for all the times I've been wrong, I'll get it right one day. But I'm not going to put much hope into anything. It's when I do that, that everything starts falling apart. It's usually entirely to do with me, but it's not all me. Sometimes people just don't understand me, or have any patience with me. I'm not always a patient person, but failing at least means that I've been trying. Yes, most of the time, I should be trying harder. But the reason why I don't try as hard as I should is because I've come to expect to fail. The harder I try and THEN fail, the more it hurts. Failing means more pain for me. It always has.
Tonight, I'm waiting for the time to come. I'm going to get my rope and go out tonight. It's not too cold yet. I have a bit longer than an hour left.
Anyway, I was reading some stuff about capricorns that I tend to agree with. That capricorns have trouble building relationships. I see the interest in being in a relationship, but I have trouble maintaining them if I ever have any.
Ironically, Capricorns HATE being alone. Even though they are pretty much forced to be alone most of the time. Capricorns need someone in their life, but are constantly inclined to reject that person. It's like we instinctually want someone to be a life partner, but our personality opposes it. It's a conflict that takes a long time to manage. It's the conflict of wanting a person to share our whole lives with, but at the same time not being used to having anyone to share our lives with.
As soon as we start doubting (still talking about Capricorns), we lose all consistency. We doubt our ability to avoid exposing ourselves. Then our self confidence starts to diminish. With that comes the loss of 'power of action' that we usually have (that makes us successful). Then they doubt everything. Judgement, potential, power, and will. This is what happens when we start to doubt.
I was doubting myself a lot. I am still really doubting myself. Doubting everything about myself. Regretting past actions. I want to believe in myself again, but I need reasons to start believing in myself again, believing in the goodness in life. Believing that things will get better. And that the best will come.
Anyway, about the doubt and stuff... Capricorns can overcome this massive doubt. But they need to be proven wrong about it. That we're wrong to doubt our abilities, and that we do have everything we need to succeed. We need PROOF, success, to convince them of their great worth. Then, and only then, will they start to trust themselves and resume projects that had really specific goals.
We can see the potential and strength, but are prone to see all the negative aspects of everything in our lives. Causing us to see the glass as half empty, rather than half full.
I know I have to change my perspective. Because it affects my reality. I want to change my view. Just when I get into this frame of mind (usually after a failure, or a loss), it gets hard to do that.
I have to keep looking at and for the possibilities and rebuild my sense of worth. Then I might have a chance at having my dreams come true. By focusing on that and finding joy while building my self confidence, I can overcome things like this and be the stronger and better for it.
I have a tendency to want to keep everything to myself. I want to shut myself off from everyone. It has hindered every relationship I ever had because it makes me seem like I'm hiding things. That I'm hiding it because I've done something wrong that I don't want to admit to. I can't see that being something I can change, because when I am open and honest with people (really let them into my heart) they end up leaving me anyway. So what am I to do? When I'm alone (which is most of the time) I'm allowed to keep things to myself. But When I'm trying to establish a relationship, I can't. Because it makes them suspicious. So suspicious that it makes me start doubting myself. And I already covered what happens when I doubt myself.
Keeping things to myself just brings suffering to my life. Even though I just cannot be open with anyone anymore. Every time I open up I feel as though I have a sign on me that says: "I'm vulnerable, please hurt me." Or something. It affects me personally, and socially. This is why I have no love life. I have no social life. Because I can't stop being who I am and how I've always been. It's so much easier for people who are not as reserved. They can communicate in ways I've never been able to. Especially those air signs.
My sign is a sea-goat. A goat with a mermaid tail. So I cannot live without both land and sea. Land being the mountains I strive to climb and want desperately to climb to the top of, but in climbing I cut the fish part of me to shreds. Fish are not meant to climb. The sea part of me is the emotional side. The moon affects the tides. Also affects our emotions. So yeah, I get emotional and am prone to feel like I'm drowning. Goats are not meant to go diving. It's half and half. Either dive into the sea of deep emotions, or keep trying to climb to the tops of mountains. With risk of injury. Once I get to the top, there's nowhere else to go but back down. Start all over again. Now, can you see why being a Capricorn is difficult? I contradict myself all the time. I'm supposed to be confident because I do have abilities a lot of other people do not have. Yet, I'm doubtful. I become doubtful when others doubt me. It shouldn't affect me this much, but it does.
Last year, I didn't think I'd ever be where I was two months ago, even last month... There have been some things I have been learning. I always learn, and when I don't, I repeat the same mistakes until I do. Such is the way with most people.
Tomorrow is the lunar eclipse. All I can think of that corresponds to that is Total Eclipse of the Heart.
The moon has to do with our emotions. I'm trying not to feel as much now. I'd love to be able to feel nothing at all. I used to drink to try not to feel anything, but in the end it didn't work. I can't shut my heart completely off. I can't pretend that I don't have one. Even when it breaks, It can still be healed. With time and a lot of effort.
Besides, there are things I need to do. I shouldn't be thinking about matters of the heart. I wish I could just stop. And start other things. Things that will be better for me than feeling things that I don't want to feel anymore. I guess, maybe, it all was to show that I COULD still feel something. Even when I thought I could not. I know I still CAN feel, but do I want to now? No. Feeling means hurting. I don't want to hurt anymore.
I know that not everything is meant to be. I've always known it. Doesn't make it any easier, really. I know that knowing that should make a difference. It should. I know lots of things should make a difference. And maybe they will, eventually. Maybe, for all the times I've been wrong, I'll get it right one day. But I'm not going to put much hope into anything. It's when I do that, that everything starts falling apart. It's usually entirely to do with me, but it's not all me. Sometimes people just don't understand me, or have any patience with me. I'm not always a patient person, but failing at least means that I've been trying. Yes, most of the time, I should be trying harder. But the reason why I don't try as hard as I should is because I've come to expect to fail. The harder I try and THEN fail, the more it hurts. Failing means more pain for me. It always has.
Tonight, I'm waiting for the time to come. I'm going to get my rope and go out tonight. It's not too cold yet. I have a bit longer than an hour left.
Anyway, I was reading some stuff about capricorns that I tend to agree with. That capricorns have trouble building relationships. I see the interest in being in a relationship, but I have trouble maintaining them if I ever have any.
Ironically, Capricorns HATE being alone. Even though they are pretty much forced to be alone most of the time. Capricorns need someone in their life, but are constantly inclined to reject that person. It's like we instinctually want someone to be a life partner, but our personality opposes it. It's a conflict that takes a long time to manage. It's the conflict of wanting a person to share our whole lives with, but at the same time not being used to having anyone to share our lives with.
As soon as we start doubting (still talking about Capricorns), we lose all consistency. We doubt our ability to avoid exposing ourselves. Then our self confidence starts to diminish. With that comes the loss of 'power of action' that we usually have (that makes us successful). Then they doubt everything. Judgement, potential, power, and will. This is what happens when we start to doubt.
I was doubting myself a lot. I am still really doubting myself. Doubting everything about myself. Regretting past actions. I want to believe in myself again, but I need reasons to start believing in myself again, believing in the goodness in life. Believing that things will get better. And that the best will come.
Anyway, about the doubt and stuff... Capricorns can overcome this massive doubt. But they need to be proven wrong about it. That we're wrong to doubt our abilities, and that we do have everything we need to succeed. We need PROOF, success, to convince them of their great worth. Then, and only then, will they start to trust themselves and resume projects that had really specific goals.
We can see the potential and strength, but are prone to see all the negative aspects of everything in our lives. Causing us to see the glass as half empty, rather than half full.
I know I have to change my perspective. Because it affects my reality. I want to change my view. Just when I get into this frame of mind (usually after a failure, or a loss), it gets hard to do that.
I have to keep looking at and for the possibilities and rebuild my sense of worth. Then I might have a chance at having my dreams come true. By focusing on that and finding joy while building my self confidence, I can overcome things like this and be the stronger and better for it.
I have a tendency to want to keep everything to myself. I want to shut myself off from everyone. It has hindered every relationship I ever had because it makes me seem like I'm hiding things. That I'm hiding it because I've done something wrong that I don't want to admit to. I can't see that being something I can change, because when I am open and honest with people (really let them into my heart) they end up leaving me anyway. So what am I to do? When I'm alone (which is most of the time) I'm allowed to keep things to myself. But When I'm trying to establish a relationship, I can't. Because it makes them suspicious. So suspicious that it makes me start doubting myself. And I already covered what happens when I doubt myself.
Keeping things to myself just brings suffering to my life. Even though I just cannot be open with anyone anymore. Every time I open up I feel as though I have a sign on me that says: "I'm vulnerable, please hurt me." Or something. It affects me personally, and socially. This is why I have no love life. I have no social life. Because I can't stop being who I am and how I've always been. It's so much easier for people who are not as reserved. They can communicate in ways I've never been able to. Especially those air signs.
My sign is a sea-goat. A goat with a mermaid tail. So I cannot live without both land and sea. Land being the mountains I strive to climb and want desperately to climb to the top of, but in climbing I cut the fish part of me to shreds. Fish are not meant to climb. The sea part of me is the emotional side. The moon affects the tides. Also affects our emotions. So yeah, I get emotional and am prone to feel like I'm drowning. Goats are not meant to go diving. It's half and half. Either dive into the sea of deep emotions, or keep trying to climb to the tops of mountains. With risk of injury. Once I get to the top, there's nowhere else to go but back down. Start all over again. Now, can you see why being a Capricorn is difficult? I contradict myself all the time. I'm supposed to be confident because I do have abilities a lot of other people do not have. Yet, I'm doubtful. I become doubtful when others doubt me. It shouldn't affect me this much, but it does.
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