So the doctors gave us some bad news. They don't expect my Grandmother to make it through the week. I went in to see her with my son. I told him how proud I am of him that he did so well. I had told him before we saw her that it's going to be scary and sad and that if he wants to cry afterwards, he can, but not to let her see him cry. She still thinks she's getting out. My mother said that it's best that we keep letting her think that.
She's still not eating, but can now use a straw. So she drank all her milk and all her ensure. Then she got tired and wanted to go back to sleep. So we weren't there for very long.
My Aunt walked by me on her way in. She didn't see me and I wasn't going to stop her and say anything to her. I was actually happy she didn't see me. Also, thought it was kind of funny.
Last night, a cousin of mine contacted me. Out of the blue. Didn't know what to think about that. I guess she heard, somehow, that I've been taking care of my Grandmother. She said things like: "I'm so glad you're there for her." And, "Tell her I love her." Another thing she said is "I'm always there for you, you know that." I didn't know what to think or to say. Because this is the first time in MONTHS that she contacted me. I had written to her in February and she never wrote back. I was supposed to visit in September, but never heard anything from anyone out there. Despite having written to them a few times. So I went to Niagara Falls instead. I'm glad I did.
Just thought it was weird that she waited until now to write to me and ask me how I'm doing. I do realize she doesn't know me very well because she's spent her whole life in another province. She's one of the only cousins who does contact our Grandmother. So I'll give her that. But imagine how shocked I was to hear from her? After months of wondering why she never would? But only because I'm going in to the hospital every day... And this might be our Grandmother's last week.... Most of the cousins... I don't want to have anything to do with them. Especially the cousin who moved back recently and hasn't gone to see my Grandmother even ONCE since she's been back. I don't understand how people can be that selfish. I really don't. I don't like the fact that I'm related to people who just don't give a f*ck about anything or anyone but themselves.
So I didn't say much. And I probably won't from here on out. They had years and years to contact me and ask me how I am. Why be nice to me now? Because I'm being nice? Well, I like being nice. Especially to those I love. I'm not doing it because I have to. I want to. They don't think they should have to, and they don't want to. So whatever. What am I supposed to say? I could have asked her why she never replied to me the times I wrote to her. I didn't. I used to care. I stopped caring.
And I stopped going on Facebook so much. I realized that most of the people on there who have me as a 'friend' don't actually care about me. Even my family. So I don't know why I bother at all.
Instead, I am trying to keep busy. I'm trying to get more done during the day, but I have been staying up all night. For several nights in a row. Working on my project, knitting, watching movies, chatting.
Anyway, a friend told me that he knows I'm going through a hard time right now. I guess I just wanted to hear someone tell me that. That they recognize that this has been hard for me. I don't know why I wanted to hear it. I guess it makes me feel better knowing that someone else 'gets' it. That someone else understands.
So after I went to the hospital last night, I went to a poetry group meeting. I joined last month and missed the first meeting. There were 11 people in total. It's a poetry critique meeting. I don't like that part. I don't see anything 'wrong' with people's poems. The first guy... I felt bad for him when they started telling him what they thought of it. It was a good poem. I 'got' it. I don't think any of them did. I don't think they really heard anything I was saying. Like they let me say it, but didn't say anything about what I said. I don't know. I just sat there, listening to everyone else. I tried to submit something but apparently I can't use Dropbox correctly. No matter what they say about any of my poetry, I'm not changing anything to anyone's liking. I think poetry should be appreciated for what it is, how it is. Like I 'get' that it's supposed to be constructive criticism, but they seemed pretty harsh. Especially on the first guy. He left early. I think he had been planning on leaving early anyway, but I really didn't blame him for walking out. I kind of felt like walking out too. I don't know if I'll be going back. But at least I went out to do something. To at least give it a chance. It'd be nice if we just met up to share our poems, read them. Something like that. But picking people's work apart isn't my idea of fun.
Besides that, I'm knitting my mother a hat with ear flaps. She calls those hats 'bonky hats'. Her birthday is coming up next month. Also I have to get going with my knitting. I mean really working at it. A lot more than I have been all year. I keep saying that by (this time of year) I'll have enough made to start selling. I never do. One of my friends even said he'd help me sell them and we'd go into business together. Just I don't think people realize how long it actually takes to make things that would be worth selling. They don't make themselves. I wish they did, but they don't. But... I like being able to make things that are unique. I finished the mittens I was making for myself. I put them on a string that I run through the sleeves of my jacket. So that I don't lose my mittens. After spending so much time making them (even if one is 5 rows shorter than the other), I don't want to lose them. People keep asking me to make them hats and stuff. So I have a long list to work on. Which is fine with me. I need the distraction or else I will think too much. I'm trying not to think about my situation, how I could really use a date....
Speaking of that... I dated a guy once. Only one date. He contacted me recently. I didn't write back. I think he's married now. I don't know why he was writing to me. I don't really care.
I do think I'd like to date sometimes. But I really have no time for anyone right now. Besides, the guys I have dated in the past have been very insecure. Made for some very stressful times. I don't need that crap. I don't think I deserve it, either. I will admit that I've been insecure in the past and if I was totally secure with myself I probably wouldn't think about dating, at all. Just would like to go out and do something nice. With someone nice. You know what I mean? It would make a huge difference for me and would mean a lot to me.
She's still not eating, but can now use a straw. So she drank all her milk and all her ensure. Then she got tired and wanted to go back to sleep. So we weren't there for very long.
My Aunt walked by me on her way in. She didn't see me and I wasn't going to stop her and say anything to her. I was actually happy she didn't see me. Also, thought it was kind of funny.
Last night, a cousin of mine contacted me. Out of the blue. Didn't know what to think about that. I guess she heard, somehow, that I've been taking care of my Grandmother. She said things like: "I'm so glad you're there for her." And, "Tell her I love her." Another thing she said is "I'm always there for you, you know that." I didn't know what to think or to say. Because this is the first time in MONTHS that she contacted me. I had written to her in February and she never wrote back. I was supposed to visit in September, but never heard anything from anyone out there. Despite having written to them a few times. So I went to Niagara Falls instead. I'm glad I did.
Just thought it was weird that she waited until now to write to me and ask me how I'm doing. I do realize she doesn't know me very well because she's spent her whole life in another province. She's one of the only cousins who does contact our Grandmother. So I'll give her that. But imagine how shocked I was to hear from her? After months of wondering why she never would? But only because I'm going in to the hospital every day... And this might be our Grandmother's last week.... Most of the cousins... I don't want to have anything to do with them. Especially the cousin who moved back recently and hasn't gone to see my Grandmother even ONCE since she's been back. I don't understand how people can be that selfish. I really don't. I don't like the fact that I'm related to people who just don't give a f*ck about anything or anyone but themselves.
So I didn't say much. And I probably won't from here on out. They had years and years to contact me and ask me how I am. Why be nice to me now? Because I'm being nice? Well, I like being nice. Especially to those I love. I'm not doing it because I have to. I want to. They don't think they should have to, and they don't want to. So whatever. What am I supposed to say? I could have asked her why she never replied to me the times I wrote to her. I didn't. I used to care. I stopped caring.
And I stopped going on Facebook so much. I realized that most of the people on there who have me as a 'friend' don't actually care about me. Even my family. So I don't know why I bother at all.
Instead, I am trying to keep busy. I'm trying to get more done during the day, but I have been staying up all night. For several nights in a row. Working on my project, knitting, watching movies, chatting.
Anyway, a friend told me that he knows I'm going through a hard time right now. I guess I just wanted to hear someone tell me that. That they recognize that this has been hard for me. I don't know why I wanted to hear it. I guess it makes me feel better knowing that someone else 'gets' it. That someone else understands.
So after I went to the hospital last night, I went to a poetry group meeting. I joined last month and missed the first meeting. There were 11 people in total. It's a poetry critique meeting. I don't like that part. I don't see anything 'wrong' with people's poems. The first guy... I felt bad for him when they started telling him what they thought of it. It was a good poem. I 'got' it. I don't think any of them did. I don't think they really heard anything I was saying. Like they let me say it, but didn't say anything about what I said. I don't know. I just sat there, listening to everyone else. I tried to submit something but apparently I can't use Dropbox correctly. No matter what they say about any of my poetry, I'm not changing anything to anyone's liking. I think poetry should be appreciated for what it is, how it is. Like I 'get' that it's supposed to be constructive criticism, but they seemed pretty harsh. Especially on the first guy. He left early. I think he had been planning on leaving early anyway, but I really didn't blame him for walking out. I kind of felt like walking out too. I don't know if I'll be going back. But at least I went out to do something. To at least give it a chance. It'd be nice if we just met up to share our poems, read them. Something like that. But picking people's work apart isn't my idea of fun.
Besides that, I'm knitting my mother a hat with ear flaps. She calls those hats 'bonky hats'. Her birthday is coming up next month. Also I have to get going with my knitting. I mean really working at it. A lot more than I have been all year. I keep saying that by (this time of year) I'll have enough made to start selling. I never do. One of my friends even said he'd help me sell them and we'd go into business together. Just I don't think people realize how long it actually takes to make things that would be worth selling. They don't make themselves. I wish they did, but they don't. But... I like being able to make things that are unique. I finished the mittens I was making for myself. I put them on a string that I run through the sleeves of my jacket. So that I don't lose my mittens. After spending so much time making them (even if one is 5 rows shorter than the other), I don't want to lose them. People keep asking me to make them hats and stuff. So I have a long list to work on. Which is fine with me. I need the distraction or else I will think too much. I'm trying not to think about my situation, how I could really use a date....
Speaking of that... I dated a guy once. Only one date. He contacted me recently. I didn't write back. I think he's married now. I don't know why he was writing to me. I don't really care.
I do think I'd like to date sometimes. But I really have no time for anyone right now. Besides, the guys I have dated in the past have been very insecure. Made for some very stressful times. I don't need that crap. I don't think I deserve it, either. I will admit that I've been insecure in the past and if I was totally secure with myself I probably wouldn't think about dating, at all. Just would like to go out and do something nice. With someone nice. You know what I mean? It would make a huge difference for me and would mean a lot to me.
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