I left my place early this morning. Was going to go to a meeting since I haven't been to one in over a month. I got there early, but ended up leaving. At least I was there and was thinking of going. That's closer than I've been in a long time.
I just feel drained right now. Not really sure why. Either I was up too early, didn't eat enough, dehydration. All three... I don't know. Might just go for a nap soon-ish. Even though I told myself that I'd start doing my chores as soon as I got back... I guess they can wait.
I ended up going to the beach this morning. Listened to some music. Got some sun... One weird thing is that I got the sun card today in my tarot thingy. I get it sent to my email and get it each day. The sun pretty much represents optimism. About appreciating all the small things in life. Seeing the truth in life which is simply that there is a lot of beauty, joy, and happiness in this life. All the positive vibes.
I saw a sign at work that said: "It's not about what you look at that matters... It's what you see."
I was thinking much earlier that I hadn't seen one of those signs in a while. There used to be a bunch of them. Realty signs. I used to have an art teacher in high school. He was pretty creepy, to be honest. He knew the name of the perfume I used to wear and I never told him. It was... Creepy. Anyway, he ended up in realty and I used to see his signs around town. I saw a couple of them today. I'll get to that part in a bit...
So I was sitting in the lot out behind the church where my meetings are at. I was waiting for someone who opens up and sets stuff up. But I was early and the people using the church kept giving me weird looks so I left. I didn't want them judging me. I feel judged a lot lately. I really do. I hate it. Does anyone else feel that way? I don't really feel like I belong in AA anymore. I don't really feel like I belong anywhere. I hate that feeling. I wish it would just go away.
I left there and headed down to the beach. I wasn't there long, just a while. I like to sit there and watch the people, take my shoes and socks off, feel the warm sand on my bare feet. That sort of thing. Appreciate the sunshine, the breeze off the river (if there is one). Be one with nature. Love nature walks, too.
So while I was there... I saw this little bug that was flailing around on its back. Trying to get back on its little feet again. I flipped it over. I thought about it for a little while. I came to the conclusion that we are all like little bugs that are flailing around on our backs (struggling), trying to get back on our feet again. It's really a metaphor for life. It's not what we look at, it's what we SEE. I looked at the bug... But I saw the struggle. Then I felt like that bug. Maybe there is some sort of karma there... Like something good will come from helping it get back on its feet. That's not why I did it. But, I keep thinking of the butterfly effect. Chain reaction. Like how everything is a result of choices. Maybe if I hadn't left the church when I did, and ended up at the beach when I did, I wouldn't have been there to come to the bug's rescue. Maybe by rescuing that bug, I rescued myself. Somehow.
I once rescued a dragonfly from drowning. I saw it sort of swimming in the river, trying to get out. Imagine how HUGE the river must seem to a dragonfly... Anyway, it couldn't fly away because its wings were wet and when they are wet they kind of stick together like thin sheets of ricepaper. So I scooped it up and held onto it until its wings dried, then it flew away. Maybe the whole reason I was there in the first place was to save its life. If I hadn't been there, I wouldn't have seen it struggling. I tend to see things a lot of other people would not see. Not that I'm looking for them, they just happen to be there when I am. Little things that would have gone unnoticed. I used to play a game on the bus when I was a kid. It didn't really have a name, the game. As I was passing by places and things, I would catch something small and insignificant and just look at it. Thinking that it would have otherwise gone unnoticed. Maybe that's why I tend to see the things other people miss. That I would have missed, if it weren't for that game that I always played by myself. Sometimes I still play it. When I remember about it. I know it sounds weird, but it was my own little secret game to play.
After I left the beach I ended up going to a park. I go there to swing on the swings sometimes. There were a bunch of kids playing at the park and some soccer practice or something going on in the field. I swung for a bit. I guess it looked weird to the parents of the kids. But... It's MY Friday, I can do what I want with it.
After I left the park is when I saw those realty signs I was talking about. So I turned down the street that the sign was on. Ended up going to the Library to pay some money towards my atrociously high library fine. It's so high that I won't even say how high it is on here. I'm going to call on Monday (if I remember to) and see if there is an arrangement I can make to work it off. Even a portion of it. I probably won't be able to pay it off for a while, but a little bit here and there will go a long way.
Then I got an ice cap, and went home. Now... I'm considering having a nap. I'm exhausted and I don't know why. I haven't done anything strenuous. Not at all. I enjoyed my morning, my afternoon. My freedom to do as I pleased today. I keep thinking that I should explore more of the city. Just go to random areas and just look around. Like take a bus and just get off at some random stop, check things out. I grew up in Ottawa, was born in Ottawa, but there are so many sections of Ottawa I haven't really explored. There are many bus routes, too. I may as well take advantage of having a pass that's good for an entire month. Get acquainted with my hometown. Maybe I will meet new people on my journey. I met a guy while I was waiting for the library to open. We had a nice chat. His name is Sam. A nice guy. He kept talking about his girlfriend. Not that I was hitting on him. Or even thinking about it. I think he is younger than me. Didn't ask him his age. He says he's usually at that library so I might see him again sometime. Maybe the whole point of today was meeting Sam.
I have a connection with the name Sam. It's a cute story, I guess. I had a teddy bear from when I was a baby. I named the bear Sam. Because when I was really little I used to think that the 'Sand' Man was the 'Sam' Man. I couldn't get to sleep without my bear for the longest time. It was weird trying to sleep without him. I remember the first time I went to sleep without him. Because I kept thinking about him as I was trying to get to sleep that night.
Anyway, I told the guy, Sam, about the story and how I won't forget his name because of that connection I have with that name. I think the point of today was meeting Sam, and telling him about that metaphor about the bug. And the saying: "It's not what you look at that matters, it's what you see." Like it was my job today to spread the word.
There were times today that I wished I had brought my camera. There were flowers in the gardens that I passed by, even along the pathway, today, I wished I could have captured. Flowers almost as tall as I am (on the pathway). Some of my favorite flowers. Some of them are called creeping bellflowers. The others are called Chicory. I love Chicory. I love the color of it. It's almost azure. Which is my favorite color. I just say that blue is my favorite color, which it is, but azure (sky blue) is my FAVORITE color. There's nothing quite like looking up at the sky on a sunny, cloudless day, or even if there are some of those fluffy white clouds... Watching the birds flying, soaring... I love it. That's what I do when I go to Nepean Point. I look up at the sky and watch the birds. Or gaze at the river. I sometimes go there at night and just look at the city lights from afar. It's always been a special place for me. One time, I was there and I was talking to a guy who gave me his book. It was a book full of Confucius quotes. I wish I still had that book. I lost it somewhere, somehow. I hate losing things. It was a special gift because it was a gift from a stranger. Like the whole point of that day was to meet that guy and for him to give me that book. I was meant to have it. I guess I was meant to lose it, too. Maybe certain things happened BECAUSE I lost it. Like maybe my life would have turned out differently had I NOT lost it. Do you ever feel like the path you're on in your life is because you decided to turn down a certain road? Like being at a crossroad and you have the choice of which direction you take and the direction you DO choose dictates what will happen in your life, for the REST of your life? The point in time where choosing to take ONE road, eliminates ALL other possible outcomes? I almost always feel like that lately. I feel like anything is possible, because it is. And EVERY little thing can cause BIG things, ALL the big things can cause all the little things. From big to little, then little to big. Then... You have your beginnings that lead to endings and your endings that lead to beginnings. Certain cycles for certain reasons and at certain times. Maybe it's a bit deep, but these are my thoughts. Maybe everything that has EVER happened in my life has lead up to this ONE blog post. We will never know for sure, but it's interesting to think about.
I just feel good about today. Where I am in my life because there are so many options. So many chances for changes. Just feels good to be alive and feel the warmth of the sun. Optimistic and open-minded to the possibilities. All the different scenarios, experiences.... Everything that awaits me. The sweet surprises that are in store for me to take joy in. Even if there are also struggles and hardships ahead. I know there will be. But with EVERY challenge there are things to LEARN. With everything you learn in life, there is a certain strength that comes with it. The more we learn, the stronger we become. We take those lessons that we learn from and use what we learn to apply it to other scenarios. We are meant to learn the lessons that we learn, at the right time. Otherwise we wouldn't learn anything at all.
I just feel drained right now. Not really sure why. Either I was up too early, didn't eat enough, dehydration. All three... I don't know. Might just go for a nap soon-ish. Even though I told myself that I'd start doing my chores as soon as I got back... I guess they can wait.
I ended up going to the beach this morning. Listened to some music. Got some sun... One weird thing is that I got the sun card today in my tarot thingy. I get it sent to my email and get it each day. The sun pretty much represents optimism. About appreciating all the small things in life. Seeing the truth in life which is simply that there is a lot of beauty, joy, and happiness in this life. All the positive vibes.
I saw a sign at work that said: "It's not about what you look at that matters... It's what you see."
I was thinking much earlier that I hadn't seen one of those signs in a while. There used to be a bunch of them. Realty signs. I used to have an art teacher in high school. He was pretty creepy, to be honest. He knew the name of the perfume I used to wear and I never told him. It was... Creepy. Anyway, he ended up in realty and I used to see his signs around town. I saw a couple of them today. I'll get to that part in a bit...
So I was sitting in the lot out behind the church where my meetings are at. I was waiting for someone who opens up and sets stuff up. But I was early and the people using the church kept giving me weird looks so I left. I didn't want them judging me. I feel judged a lot lately. I really do. I hate it. Does anyone else feel that way? I don't really feel like I belong in AA anymore. I don't really feel like I belong anywhere. I hate that feeling. I wish it would just go away.
I left there and headed down to the beach. I wasn't there long, just a while. I like to sit there and watch the people, take my shoes and socks off, feel the warm sand on my bare feet. That sort of thing. Appreciate the sunshine, the breeze off the river (if there is one). Be one with nature. Love nature walks, too.
So while I was there... I saw this little bug that was flailing around on its back. Trying to get back on its little feet again. I flipped it over. I thought about it for a little while. I came to the conclusion that we are all like little bugs that are flailing around on our backs (struggling), trying to get back on our feet again. It's really a metaphor for life. It's not what we look at, it's what we SEE. I looked at the bug... But I saw the struggle. Then I felt like that bug. Maybe there is some sort of karma there... Like something good will come from helping it get back on its feet. That's not why I did it. But, I keep thinking of the butterfly effect. Chain reaction. Like how everything is a result of choices. Maybe if I hadn't left the church when I did, and ended up at the beach when I did, I wouldn't have been there to come to the bug's rescue. Maybe by rescuing that bug, I rescued myself. Somehow.
I once rescued a dragonfly from drowning. I saw it sort of swimming in the river, trying to get out. Imagine how HUGE the river must seem to a dragonfly... Anyway, it couldn't fly away because its wings were wet and when they are wet they kind of stick together like thin sheets of ricepaper. So I scooped it up and held onto it until its wings dried, then it flew away. Maybe the whole reason I was there in the first place was to save its life. If I hadn't been there, I wouldn't have seen it struggling. I tend to see things a lot of other people would not see. Not that I'm looking for them, they just happen to be there when I am. Little things that would have gone unnoticed. I used to play a game on the bus when I was a kid. It didn't really have a name, the game. As I was passing by places and things, I would catch something small and insignificant and just look at it. Thinking that it would have otherwise gone unnoticed. Maybe that's why I tend to see the things other people miss. That I would have missed, if it weren't for that game that I always played by myself. Sometimes I still play it. When I remember about it. I know it sounds weird, but it was my own little secret game to play.
After I left the beach I ended up going to a park. I go there to swing on the swings sometimes. There were a bunch of kids playing at the park and some soccer practice or something going on in the field. I swung for a bit. I guess it looked weird to the parents of the kids. But... It's MY Friday, I can do what I want with it.
After I left the park is when I saw those realty signs I was talking about. So I turned down the street that the sign was on. Ended up going to the Library to pay some money towards my atrociously high library fine. It's so high that I won't even say how high it is on here. I'm going to call on Monday (if I remember to) and see if there is an arrangement I can make to work it off. Even a portion of it. I probably won't be able to pay it off for a while, but a little bit here and there will go a long way.
Then I got an ice cap, and went home. Now... I'm considering having a nap. I'm exhausted and I don't know why. I haven't done anything strenuous. Not at all. I enjoyed my morning, my afternoon. My freedom to do as I pleased today. I keep thinking that I should explore more of the city. Just go to random areas and just look around. Like take a bus and just get off at some random stop, check things out. I grew up in Ottawa, was born in Ottawa, but there are so many sections of Ottawa I haven't really explored. There are many bus routes, too. I may as well take advantage of having a pass that's good for an entire month. Get acquainted with my hometown. Maybe I will meet new people on my journey. I met a guy while I was waiting for the library to open. We had a nice chat. His name is Sam. A nice guy. He kept talking about his girlfriend. Not that I was hitting on him. Or even thinking about it. I think he is younger than me. Didn't ask him his age. He says he's usually at that library so I might see him again sometime. Maybe the whole point of today was meeting Sam.
I have a connection with the name Sam. It's a cute story, I guess. I had a teddy bear from when I was a baby. I named the bear Sam. Because when I was really little I used to think that the 'Sand' Man was the 'Sam' Man. I couldn't get to sleep without my bear for the longest time. It was weird trying to sleep without him. I remember the first time I went to sleep without him. Because I kept thinking about him as I was trying to get to sleep that night.
Anyway, I told the guy, Sam, about the story and how I won't forget his name because of that connection I have with that name. I think the point of today was meeting Sam, and telling him about that metaphor about the bug. And the saying: "It's not what you look at that matters, it's what you see." Like it was my job today to spread the word.
There were times today that I wished I had brought my camera. There were flowers in the gardens that I passed by, even along the pathway, today, I wished I could have captured. Flowers almost as tall as I am (on the pathway). Some of my favorite flowers. Some of them are called creeping bellflowers. The others are called Chicory. I love Chicory. I love the color of it. It's almost azure. Which is my favorite color. I just say that blue is my favorite color, which it is, but azure (sky blue) is my FAVORITE color. There's nothing quite like looking up at the sky on a sunny, cloudless day, or even if there are some of those fluffy white clouds... Watching the birds flying, soaring... I love it. That's what I do when I go to Nepean Point. I look up at the sky and watch the birds. Or gaze at the river. I sometimes go there at night and just look at the city lights from afar. It's always been a special place for me. One time, I was there and I was talking to a guy who gave me his book. It was a book full of Confucius quotes. I wish I still had that book. I lost it somewhere, somehow. I hate losing things. It was a special gift because it was a gift from a stranger. Like the whole point of that day was to meet that guy and for him to give me that book. I was meant to have it. I guess I was meant to lose it, too. Maybe certain things happened BECAUSE I lost it. Like maybe my life would have turned out differently had I NOT lost it. Do you ever feel like the path you're on in your life is because you decided to turn down a certain road? Like being at a crossroad and you have the choice of which direction you take and the direction you DO choose dictates what will happen in your life, for the REST of your life? The point in time where choosing to take ONE road, eliminates ALL other possible outcomes? I almost always feel like that lately. I feel like anything is possible, because it is. And EVERY little thing can cause BIG things, ALL the big things can cause all the little things. From big to little, then little to big. Then... You have your beginnings that lead to endings and your endings that lead to beginnings. Certain cycles for certain reasons and at certain times. Maybe it's a bit deep, but these are my thoughts. Maybe everything that has EVER happened in my life has lead up to this ONE blog post. We will never know for sure, but it's interesting to think about.
I just feel good about today. Where I am in my life because there are so many options. So many chances for changes. Just feels good to be alive and feel the warmth of the sun. Optimistic and open-minded to the possibilities. All the different scenarios, experiences.... Everything that awaits me. The sweet surprises that are in store for me to take joy in. Even if there are also struggles and hardships ahead. I know there will be. But with EVERY challenge there are things to LEARN. With everything you learn in life, there is a certain strength that comes with it. The more we learn, the stronger we become. We take those lessons that we learn from and use what we learn to apply it to other scenarios. We are meant to learn the lessons that we learn, at the right time. Otherwise we wouldn't learn anything at all.
No comments:
Post a Comment