Hope everyone had a Happy Canada Day! I stayed home as to not get into any trouble out there. I've been doing good on the not drinking part. The going to meetings... I got to find myself a new group and just not get involved with anyone at any of them. It's so hard to trust people, anyway. People are hard to read. They claim to be friends. It's hard believing anyone these days.
Good thing is that there are other meetings out there, on any day of the week, morning, afternoon, evening. All over the city. I can look around for another one. One that I can sort of fit into. Not that I'm a belonging type of person to begin with... But meetings are for me. I don't need added pressure from people who offer help and then just as soon have nothing to do with you. This could be why I have trust issues.
Four months now. It's been rough last month. I had some things happen and it's been a wonder that I haven't gone back to my old ways of coping with copious amounts of stress. That part, not sure how to feel about it. I should be happy that I made it this far without a slip. With people giving up on me, with people misjudging me. It's always the people who are in no position to make any judgements of others who make the judgement of others. Or so it would seem. Like if people are coming from the same place, then they should both understand how hard the struggle is. I guess that people forget over time how hard it really was when it's been so long that they had to face it.
When I gave up smoking cigarettes, it was hard, yes, but this is different. I'm glad I gave up smoking. I saved money from not buying cigarettes anymore. I can breathe better, and taste my food. It baffles me now thinking that people still smoke and that I used to smoke. I always hated being around my mother when she was smoking when I was a kid. I always hated getting caught in clouds of smoke. When I was a smoker I noticed it less. I started because of peer pressure at school. Trying to fit in with some girls who went to my school. It was 'bad' to smoke. So rebellious. Ha.
But now, I don't think about smoking much. I don't ever think or say to myself "I wish I had a cigarette." I am happily free from that slavedriver nicotine. I'm not sure when that "I wish I had a drink" feeling will go away, but I really hope it does. Staying sober is one thing, but recovery is different. That is the part I'm having a hard time with. Staying sober for me, is as easy as staying home on Canada Day. But recovery has been the difficult part all along. I've faced a lot of challenges last month. The first month was the hardest, second month wasn't so bad. The past month has been one thing after another. Just to make up for the hopefulness I had last month. I'd like to be hopeful all the time. That would be nice. To be consistently optimistic about life, no matter what kind of mud is slung at me. Wouldn't it?
There are these choices in life. One must always be making choices throughout their entire life. Choices about EVERYTHING. Choices are ours to make.
1) Choose your strength
2) Choose your honesty
3) Choose to believe in yourself
4) Choose your goals and directions
5) Choose to accept others as they are
6) Choose to make decisions for yourself
7) Choose to accept responsibility for your own actions
8) Choose right from wrong
9) Choose to work for what you believe in
10) Choose to learn from your mistakes
11) Choose to love and be loved
12) Choose to choose in every detail of your life!
Been isolating myself a lot lately. Just that it's hard to be around other people when I feel like they are reading me all wrong and they only see what they want to see anyway. I really don't know who they think I am, but I've had to prove people wrong all my life until I got sick of trying to prove myself so I just decided that it was much easier just being by myself. What is weird is that everyone sees me differently. Everyone has their own perception of me. Based on their judgements of me. And they can't really go on knowledge of me because they really have no idea who I really am or very much, in most cases no information about me whatsoever. I do try, just people set their expectations for me thinking that I am capable 100% of the time to meet these. I dunno what they really expect, but I feel often that they expect too much from me. To the point that I feel the pressure. In social situations. It's really hard to explain. I've spent my whole life an isolated introvert. Reading books, or writing, or knitting, or crocheting. I don't do 'social' very well at all. I am awkward times infinity and beyond. The thing is, though, is that I want to be accepted for who I REALLY AM and not only be accepted by adhering to all these ridiculous social 'rules' or codes of conduct when everyone KNOWS I'm not perfect. I want to be accepted into society, amongst my peers, amongst my co-workers. Accepted, but not based on conditions. I feel like the only time I am accepted there are certain conditions and if I mess up ANYWHERE along the lines, it's done. All of it.
I realize that there are things that are not meant for me. Maybe people in my life who will not stay very long. I have to learn to let things be. All the while making choices. Of course I'll end up making some bad choices and I'll have to face the results of those, but it's only meaning is that I am a human learning how to live a life that didn't come with a manual or instruction guide. Neither does being a parent. You learn from YOUR parents how to be parents. If your parents weren't doing such a great job, you either learn from their mistakes or you repeat their mistakes yourself. Until you learn otherwise.
I have a lot of regret about the past lately. And feeling like I should have done more with the time I was already given. I don't have that time anymore to do all the things I should have done with it. So I feel like I'm grieving for wasted time, in a sense. It's weird, but that's the only way I could think to describe it. I can't do anything to change the past. But sometimes I think things have to happen certain ways for us to see certain things at certain times in our lives. If that makes any sense.
Not a lot has been making sense to me lately. There are times when I know something has such a profound meaning behind it, but I just cannot figure out what the meaning is. Even things that we think are meaningless are meaningful. Even if we happen to see the meaning many years after the fact. The thing is, with meaning, is that when you look for it, it hides. Becomes a hidden meaning. It only reveals itself in its own way at its own time. Then, BHAM! It hits you. You see it. You understand it. But if you take it deeper, it's connected to something else which is connected to a chain of other things.
And the meaning of life... Awareness? Perhaps. Perhaps the meaning is of life is purpose. The pursuit of purpose. I think everything on earth has a purpose. It's all parts of the balance which is life.
Speaking of balance... There is a film I saw in philosophy class once. It's called:
Good thing is that there are other meetings out there, on any day of the week, morning, afternoon, evening. All over the city. I can look around for another one. One that I can sort of fit into. Not that I'm a belonging type of person to begin with... But meetings are for me. I don't need added pressure from people who offer help and then just as soon have nothing to do with you. This could be why I have trust issues.
Four months now. It's been rough last month. I had some things happen and it's been a wonder that I haven't gone back to my old ways of coping with copious amounts of stress. That part, not sure how to feel about it. I should be happy that I made it this far without a slip. With people giving up on me, with people misjudging me. It's always the people who are in no position to make any judgements of others who make the judgement of others. Or so it would seem. Like if people are coming from the same place, then they should both understand how hard the struggle is. I guess that people forget over time how hard it really was when it's been so long that they had to face it.
When I gave up smoking cigarettes, it was hard, yes, but this is different. I'm glad I gave up smoking. I saved money from not buying cigarettes anymore. I can breathe better, and taste my food. It baffles me now thinking that people still smoke and that I used to smoke. I always hated being around my mother when she was smoking when I was a kid. I always hated getting caught in clouds of smoke. When I was a smoker I noticed it less. I started because of peer pressure at school. Trying to fit in with some girls who went to my school. It was 'bad' to smoke. So rebellious. Ha.
But now, I don't think about smoking much. I don't ever think or say to myself "I wish I had a cigarette." I am happily free from that slavedriver nicotine. I'm not sure when that "I wish I had a drink" feeling will go away, but I really hope it does. Staying sober is one thing, but recovery is different. That is the part I'm having a hard time with. Staying sober for me, is as easy as staying home on Canada Day. But recovery has been the difficult part all along. I've faced a lot of challenges last month. The first month was the hardest, second month wasn't so bad. The past month has been one thing after another. Just to make up for the hopefulness I had last month. I'd like to be hopeful all the time. That would be nice. To be consistently optimistic about life, no matter what kind of mud is slung at me. Wouldn't it?
There are these choices in life. One must always be making choices throughout their entire life. Choices about EVERYTHING. Choices are ours to make.
1) Choose your strength
2) Choose your honesty
3) Choose to believe in yourself
4) Choose your goals and directions
5) Choose to accept others as they are
6) Choose to make decisions for yourself
7) Choose to accept responsibility for your own actions
8) Choose right from wrong
9) Choose to work for what you believe in
10) Choose to learn from your mistakes
11) Choose to love and be loved
12) Choose to choose in every detail of your life!
Been isolating myself a lot lately. Just that it's hard to be around other people when I feel like they are reading me all wrong and they only see what they want to see anyway. I really don't know who they think I am, but I've had to prove people wrong all my life until I got sick of trying to prove myself so I just decided that it was much easier just being by myself. What is weird is that everyone sees me differently. Everyone has their own perception of me. Based on their judgements of me. And they can't really go on knowledge of me because they really have no idea who I really am or very much, in most cases no information about me whatsoever. I do try, just people set their expectations for me thinking that I am capable 100% of the time to meet these. I dunno what they really expect, but I feel often that they expect too much from me. To the point that I feel the pressure. In social situations. It's really hard to explain. I've spent my whole life an isolated introvert. Reading books, or writing, or knitting, or crocheting. I don't do 'social' very well at all. I am awkward times infinity and beyond. The thing is, though, is that I want to be accepted for who I REALLY AM and not only be accepted by adhering to all these ridiculous social 'rules' or codes of conduct when everyone KNOWS I'm not perfect. I want to be accepted into society, amongst my peers, amongst my co-workers. Accepted, but not based on conditions. I feel like the only time I am accepted there are certain conditions and if I mess up ANYWHERE along the lines, it's done. All of it.
I realize that there are things that are not meant for me. Maybe people in my life who will not stay very long. I have to learn to let things be. All the while making choices. Of course I'll end up making some bad choices and I'll have to face the results of those, but it's only meaning is that I am a human learning how to live a life that didn't come with a manual or instruction guide. Neither does being a parent. You learn from YOUR parents how to be parents. If your parents weren't doing such a great job, you either learn from their mistakes or you repeat their mistakes yourself. Until you learn otherwise.
I have a lot of regret about the past lately. And feeling like I should have done more with the time I was already given. I don't have that time anymore to do all the things I should have done with it. So I feel like I'm grieving for wasted time, in a sense. It's weird, but that's the only way I could think to describe it. I can't do anything to change the past. But sometimes I think things have to happen certain ways for us to see certain things at certain times in our lives. If that makes any sense.
Not a lot has been making sense to me lately. There are times when I know something has such a profound meaning behind it, but I just cannot figure out what the meaning is. Even things that we think are meaningless are meaningful. Even if we happen to see the meaning many years after the fact. The thing is, with meaning, is that when you look for it, it hides. Becomes a hidden meaning. It only reveals itself in its own way at its own time. Then, BHAM! It hits you. You see it. You understand it. But if you take it deeper, it's connected to something else which is connected to a chain of other things.
And the meaning of life... Awareness? Perhaps. Perhaps the meaning is of life is purpose. The pursuit of purpose. I think everything on earth has a purpose. It's all parts of the balance which is life.
Speaking of balance... There is a film I saw in philosophy class once. It's called:
Koyaanisqatsi
Life out of Balance is what it translates into. It's artistic and very visual. It's the type of film that each time you watch it, you will see something else. It's about nature v.s the creations of humanity. It's very interesting.
Anyway, I rambled on long enough. Just because I'm so tired that I'm a rambling machine. Also, hadn't written in a while. Also, really need to get out again. And keep trying that 'socializing' thing. Even though I think I just don't belong. At all.
No comments:
Post a Comment