It was such a long winter, but it sometimes feels like it's trying to come back... It will be, but not anytime soon, I hope. It was a busy week for me. Monday was full of running around. Tuesday more of the same. Wednesday I went to see a specialist at the hospital about this hernia dealio. He said he couldn't feel it and he wants to send me to get another ultrasound. All I know is that it is mega uncomfortable and I want to get it fixed as soon as possible. I want to recover so I can try to get back into jogging and things like that. I'm out of shape and I want to remedy that. I know that I gotta start taking better care of myself. In a lot of ways. I'd rather take care of everyone else and put myself last. I tend to do that in relationships.
I know I haven't really talked about that in a while. I haven't really been writing for a while. I have been chatting on wireclub and working on an old story of mine. My dream is to finish it. One day. Ongoing.
On Monday was my 3 month mark. I've been sober for 3 whole months. 3 months without a drink. It's been hard. I knew it would be, but this is HARD. The first month was REALLY HARD. I still go to meetings twice a week. So, in case anyone is wondering... I'm still doing that.
There are a lot of things I should be doing. Just haven't been. Been consumed with anxiety, worry, fear, stress. Emotions are driving me crazy. Thoughts are driving me crazy. I just want to stop thinking and feeling for a while because all of it is too much and too fast. I feel things very deeply. Everything. It's a blessing and a curse.
I know that a lot of what is going on right now is a test of sorts. Testing me on my strength and patience. The things I want in life are seemingly out of reach because it's not the right time. There are certain things I must do to achieve and to overcome. It's not easy. It's really not. I have 30 years of f*ckery to unf*ck up. That's a lot of f*ckery. Of all kinds. All the knots are tied in a big ball, one knot at a time. But at times I admit that I get frustrated and just stop working on it. I know that the knots will not untie themselves or be untied by magic means or by dating again... Dating again is only asking for more knots and another broken heart. I'm still recovering. From alcoholism and from my last relationship. I am moving forward though. I want to let go completely and just focus on the here and now. That has always been extremely difficult to do. I've held onto every hurt that happened to me, all my life. That's a lot of pain. I want to let it go. All of it. I don't need it. I don't know why I kept it all my life. I kept it and yet tried to escape from it. By drinking. It's like carrying all the pain with you and almost refusing to let it go, even though you don't want it or need it and it is ruining you. In all sorts of ways.
For the past few months I've been writing to someone every day. We talk. He seems to understand me. I seem to understand him. At least it seems like this. Only he lives far away and it's not likely that we'll be anything more than friends. We haven't spoken in almost a week and I'm worried. And anxious. I don't like being this way. Uncertainty shouldn't bother me this much. I should know how to handle things better. I wish I would just handle it better.
Anyway, enough about that... That's just where I am at right now. Pretty much where I've been at for a while. The only progress I seem to be making is that I made it this long without drinking and that I realize I shouldn't be dating. I still think about it. Mostly because I get lonely and I miss certain things. The things that I don't miss are the jealousy fits, possessiveness, the keeping tabs crap. (Almost asking permission to do things I want to do.) The spying, the lying, the stress. The insecurity, the instability. Relationships tend to go that way for me, especially the closer to my own age I've tried to date. Besides, I'm not the most secure or stable human being on the face of this earth! I think you can already tell that! It's pretty much an understatement. Such an understatement that it's almost funny to think of trying to think that I am. The thing is: "I realize this!" This is a good thing. You can just guess at how many people never realize this and who keep living in denial and thinking they are really ready when they are the furthest from being really ready.
I've figured out the cycle I was in:
I've been depressed because I can't get a date, but I can't get a date because I've been depressed.
I know that if I got a date, I'd be happy and because of being happy, I might get more dates. Etc.
But I have to be happy first. And it's not like I'm the best at meeting guys. The ones I meet:
1) End up being friends or acquaintances
2) Are married or in a committed relationship
3) Are plain not interested. Etc.
I know I shouldn't even be thinking about any of this. I mean, I have so many other things to think about. I have so much work to do on myself and I should be focussing on doing that and everything else can happen in its own time. Again, patience being one of those things to work on.
I know I haven't really talked about that in a while. I haven't really been writing for a while. I have been chatting on wireclub and working on an old story of mine. My dream is to finish it. One day. Ongoing.
On Monday was my 3 month mark. I've been sober for 3 whole months. 3 months without a drink. It's been hard. I knew it would be, but this is HARD. The first month was REALLY HARD. I still go to meetings twice a week. So, in case anyone is wondering... I'm still doing that.
There are a lot of things I should be doing. Just haven't been. Been consumed with anxiety, worry, fear, stress. Emotions are driving me crazy. Thoughts are driving me crazy. I just want to stop thinking and feeling for a while because all of it is too much and too fast. I feel things very deeply. Everything. It's a blessing and a curse.
I know that a lot of what is going on right now is a test of sorts. Testing me on my strength and patience. The things I want in life are seemingly out of reach because it's not the right time. There are certain things I must do to achieve and to overcome. It's not easy. It's really not. I have 30 years of f*ckery to unf*ck up. That's a lot of f*ckery. Of all kinds. All the knots are tied in a big ball, one knot at a time. But at times I admit that I get frustrated and just stop working on it. I know that the knots will not untie themselves or be untied by magic means or by dating again... Dating again is only asking for more knots and another broken heart. I'm still recovering. From alcoholism and from my last relationship. I am moving forward though. I want to let go completely and just focus on the here and now. That has always been extremely difficult to do. I've held onto every hurt that happened to me, all my life. That's a lot of pain. I want to let it go. All of it. I don't need it. I don't know why I kept it all my life. I kept it and yet tried to escape from it. By drinking. It's like carrying all the pain with you and almost refusing to let it go, even though you don't want it or need it and it is ruining you. In all sorts of ways.
For the past few months I've been writing to someone every day. We talk. He seems to understand me. I seem to understand him. At least it seems like this. Only he lives far away and it's not likely that we'll be anything more than friends. We haven't spoken in almost a week and I'm worried. And anxious. I don't like being this way. Uncertainty shouldn't bother me this much. I should know how to handle things better. I wish I would just handle it better.
Anyway, enough about that... That's just where I am at right now. Pretty much where I've been at for a while. The only progress I seem to be making is that I made it this long without drinking and that I realize I shouldn't be dating. I still think about it. Mostly because I get lonely and I miss certain things. The things that I don't miss are the jealousy fits, possessiveness, the keeping tabs crap. (Almost asking permission to do things I want to do.) The spying, the lying, the stress. The insecurity, the instability. Relationships tend to go that way for me, especially the closer to my own age I've tried to date. Besides, I'm not the most secure or stable human being on the face of this earth! I think you can already tell that! It's pretty much an understatement. Such an understatement that it's almost funny to think of trying to think that I am. The thing is: "I realize this!" This is a good thing. You can just guess at how many people never realize this and who keep living in denial and thinking they are really ready when they are the furthest from being really ready.
I've figured out the cycle I was in:
I've been depressed because I can't get a date, but I can't get a date because I've been depressed.
I know that if I got a date, I'd be happy and because of being happy, I might get more dates. Etc.
But I have to be happy first. And it's not like I'm the best at meeting guys. The ones I meet:
1) End up being friends or acquaintances
2) Are married or in a committed relationship
3) Are plain not interested. Etc.
I know I shouldn't even be thinking about any of this. I mean, I have so many other things to think about. I have so much work to do on myself and I should be focussing on doing that and everything else can happen in its own time. Again, patience being one of those things to work on.
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