Wow, I really should try to write here more frequently than once a week. I'm falling behind. I guess this will be a long post today. I have some catching up to do.
Not sure where to start... I'll tell you why I've been busy and why I am trying to keep busy.
A while ago things ended with my last relationship. Things were over for a while but I guess they were not completely over. Now I'm trying to get over that whole thing and trying to get out more. Also trying to meet new people because I need to make some good friends. It's hard to make friends as it is, but even more so since I am starting to try to. I realize how important long lasting friendships are. I tried to remain friends with my ex boyfriend, but that didn't work out. For lots of reasons, but those reasons are not important.
What IS important is that I am starting to take some steps to get my life back on track. Trying to have a social life. It doesn't get any easier the older you get. It really does not. But at least I am trying.
One of my friends told me about a site called www.meetup.com which is awesome. I joined lots of different groups and each group has events. The writers' group I joined (Ottawa Writer's Circle) has a bunch of meetings. There's a write-in where we go to the library to work on our projects together, only separately. I am dusting off a story I started many years ago. Hoping to pull it all together. They meet once a month.
Then there is Creative Block Busters and they meet twice a month. I enjoyed it last time and am looking forward to going again. I'm learning lots of things and getting inspired which is always great.
There's an Arts & Culture Group and they are having a 'social mixer' this Friday. Tomorrow. I'm planning on going to that. Tonight they are having an art gallery crawl. Free admission to the local art galleries that they will be going to peruse. They will go see 5 of them in one night. BUT... I'm supposed to go do something else tonight. Which is a secret. I might talk about it another time.
Things are weird at work. It never used to be like that, but now it's just getting awkward and depressing. There is a guy at work who I used to have a big crush on... He knew all along but was not and is not and will not ever be interested in me. Which I could care less about now. That ship has sailed so long ago that I could laugh the rest of my life about it. Anyway, what is awkward is that he lives on the same street as I do and we used to be friendly at best. Sometimes walk home together or take the bus together. I miss those days. A lot. But now he won't say hello to me and walks away from me. Snubs me more or less. Which kind of hurts, well, hurt at first. Maybe still does a tiny bit, but I'm getting over him, too. People need to get over themselves and put their damn pride away. So I'm making it a point not to say anything to him unless he says hi to me first. See how he likes his own medicine.
I kind of wish that things were back to the way they were... But I don't see that happening. I know things are the way they are for a reason. I leave for work early now anyway so I don't see him on the way to work anymore. Also, I only see him a little bit before and after the shift. He leaves with his friend. It used to be three of us, but I seemed to have gotten replaced by a guy. I guess I'm not good enough to hang with the guys. Their loss. I have to look at it that way.
So yes... I need new friends!
Also, things have been a bit awkward in another area regarding friends. I won't get too much into detail... But I guess to put it simply... I was supposed to go out with a friend last Friday and she blew me off. I was going to give her the birthday present I spent a long time making her and her birthday card. She knew that, but didn't want to spend even an hour with me. So I still have them both here. I will make her wait to get them now. Maybe next year! Hahaha!
Just recently she said "Let's all hang out!" She was referring to her and I, and another friend I have, but he doesn't want to hang out with her anymore. But I'm not saying anything. I'm trying to stay out of it.
So... I things have been a bit stressful at work besides the awkwardness... I was replacing someone last night. I guess it was their night off or something. I replaced him before... Last time wasn't as bad as last night! Wayyyyyy too much SALT! I hate working there during the winter. I really do. I hate how my neighbor ignores me. I really do. But there is nothing I can do about that.
"Love and friendships are a lot like farts... If you have to force it, it's probably sh*t!"
I am exhausted, but am so tired that I just can't see myself falling asleep anytime soon. I hurt all over, too. So that will not help me go to sleep.
Y'know what? Almost a week until Valentine's Day... And I was thinking about that quite a bit. I hate Valen-f*ckin'-tines f*ckin' day! Always hated it. I am often alone and feeling pathetically lonely... Last year was pretty sh*tty for me. I'll tell you what happened... I was working that night, but it was the night before that I was working so I ended up going home after work and thinking about my father (who's birthday is Feb. 14th) and I started thinking about my Uncle and wondering how to get in touch with him... He was the only one on my father's side of the family who'd still talk to me and give me the time of day.
So I tried looking for him on facebook, then googled him. I finally found something about him, with his picture, so I knew it was him... It was his obituary! I found my father's mother's obituary the same way, but the year before. She had passed away 4 years before I found out about it. Nobody told me they both had cancer. Nobody told me they had died. So, yeah... Sh*ttiest Valen-fn'tines fn' Day, ever!
My kid doesn't want to hand out valentines at school. He said that if you give 1 to 1 person, you have to give 1 to everyone and he doesn't like everyone. The kids are still picking on him and being mean to him. I fn' hate those brat bastards. Even with all these anti-bullying regulations and campaigns there are still bullies and it just seems there always will be. Then these bullies make life miserable for the other kids at the school and when they grow up, they become adult bullies. Only it seems they never 'grow up'.
And these bullies grow into adult bullies who have kids and teach their kids to be bullies because they are not teaching their kids any respect whatsoever... So we will one day have a generation of ungrateful bastards ruining everything. Life sucks sometimes. Well, at least in that regard it does!
I think I'm already starting to change. I used to care too much and I'd wear my heart on my sleeve. Earliest posts show that side of me. That side that I choose to hide now. That side of me that I wish never existed. I'm starting to get colder now. People can see it in me and they don't like it. You never know what you've got until it is gone. I can walk away now whereas I used to have to force myself to walk away. Okay, sometimes I still have to force myself but I'm starting to realize when I should walk away. Which I never did before. I'd always stay for the sake of staying because I thought I had to or thought I would be missing out on something or... I don't really know why... I was stupid. Okay, still am learning... Doesn't make me less stupid, just makes me susceptible to learning lessons. Usually the hard way.
I saw this picture on facebook that says: " If they really cared, they'd make time for you, not excuses." Someone commented on it and said I was trying to make someone feel guilty and that if I kept myself busy I wouldn't care 'how much time they devoted to me.' First of all, it is up to the person to feel whatever the f*ck they want to. I don't make anyone feel anything. It is their choice to make how they want to feel. Also, I'm not asking anyone to 'devote' their time to me. I'm asking them to consider making time for me and if they really did care, they'd make the time without me having to ask for it.
It was about how a friend of mine from when I was a kid is 'too busy' to make time for me but now she has a new best friend she makes lots of time for. So I didn't invite her to my birthday party. Partly because I wanted to see if she would even remember when my birthday even was... Which she never does. She probably remembers her new best friend's birthday...
So yeah, I was feeling pretty jealous and left out. But I had that sinking feeling she was doing it on purpose so you know what? I just am pretty much ignoring her now and maybe she will come around whenever she feels like it.
So yeah, I need some new friends!
Maybe when I'm dead people will look back and realize that whenever they really needed me I'd drop everything and be there. I am guilty of not being a good friend lately to one of my friends. I feel really bad about that and am going to try to write to him at the very least and apologize about not being there for him. But I figure he has a girlfriend and she can be there for him until I get the chance to show him that I do still care.... I DO care, but I have been trying to keep busy and my friends are having a hard time reaching me to make plans because the windows of opportunity are a lot smaller and fewer between than they used to be. Because I'm not just sitting at home anymore, waiting for someone to call me (which they seldom if ever do).
There are friends from when I was a kid that I'd love to reconnect with but there has been so much time lost that I wonder if they even still think about me. I know that I think about them. A lot. I remember and always will remember when they were there for me and I don't think I could ever pay them back for that kindness. At a time in my life that I really did need someone to care. They did. When I was 'sent away' we lost touch and if it weren't for being locked up and stuff I think things would be different.
Like that girl who used to be my best friend when I was a kid... If I hadn't have moved away or if I got to say good bye and kept in touch, things would be a lot different now. But they are what they are now. I cannot change the past. Nobody understands how I feel about those people. The ones who were there for me when I needed them. Only they are not there for me now. Which is sad. I guess it is because I have grown up and grown apart due to circumstances that were beyond my control. That will always be beyond my control. What they do now is their choice. I cannot sit here and wait for them to think:
"Hey... Remember Abby? I wonder what she is doing today... I wonder how she is doing... I'm going to contact her and ask her..." Y'kow why? Because that might never happen. I don't want to sit here and think that I'm missing out or being intentionally left out so I will gradually become less caring overall. I realize that when I don't care is when others who didn't care before start to care. It is the way it seems to work... So whatever works, works.
Not sure where to start... I'll tell you why I've been busy and why I am trying to keep busy.
A while ago things ended with my last relationship. Things were over for a while but I guess they were not completely over. Now I'm trying to get over that whole thing and trying to get out more. Also trying to meet new people because I need to make some good friends. It's hard to make friends as it is, but even more so since I am starting to try to. I realize how important long lasting friendships are. I tried to remain friends with my ex boyfriend, but that didn't work out. For lots of reasons, but those reasons are not important.
What IS important is that I am starting to take some steps to get my life back on track. Trying to have a social life. It doesn't get any easier the older you get. It really does not. But at least I am trying.
One of my friends told me about a site called www.meetup.com which is awesome. I joined lots of different groups and each group has events. The writers' group I joined (Ottawa Writer's Circle) has a bunch of meetings. There's a write-in where we go to the library to work on our projects together, only separately. I am dusting off a story I started many years ago. Hoping to pull it all together. They meet once a month.
Then there is Creative Block Busters and they meet twice a month. I enjoyed it last time and am looking forward to going again. I'm learning lots of things and getting inspired which is always great.
There's an Arts & Culture Group and they are having a 'social mixer' this Friday. Tomorrow. I'm planning on going to that. Tonight they are having an art gallery crawl. Free admission to the local art galleries that they will be going to peruse. They will go see 5 of them in one night. BUT... I'm supposed to go do something else tonight. Which is a secret. I might talk about it another time.
Things are weird at work. It never used to be like that, but now it's just getting awkward and depressing. There is a guy at work who I used to have a big crush on... He knew all along but was not and is not and will not ever be interested in me. Which I could care less about now. That ship has sailed so long ago that I could laugh the rest of my life about it. Anyway, what is awkward is that he lives on the same street as I do and we used to be friendly at best. Sometimes walk home together or take the bus together. I miss those days. A lot. But now he won't say hello to me and walks away from me. Snubs me more or less. Which kind of hurts, well, hurt at first. Maybe still does a tiny bit, but I'm getting over him, too. People need to get over themselves and put their damn pride away. So I'm making it a point not to say anything to him unless he says hi to me first. See how he likes his own medicine.
I kind of wish that things were back to the way they were... But I don't see that happening. I know things are the way they are for a reason. I leave for work early now anyway so I don't see him on the way to work anymore. Also, I only see him a little bit before and after the shift. He leaves with his friend. It used to be three of us, but I seemed to have gotten replaced by a guy. I guess I'm not good enough to hang with the guys. Their loss. I have to look at it that way.
So yes... I need new friends!
Also, things have been a bit awkward in another area regarding friends. I won't get too much into detail... But I guess to put it simply... I was supposed to go out with a friend last Friday and she blew me off. I was going to give her the birthday present I spent a long time making her and her birthday card. She knew that, but didn't want to spend even an hour with me. So I still have them both here. I will make her wait to get them now. Maybe next year! Hahaha!
Just recently she said "Let's all hang out!" She was referring to her and I, and another friend I have, but he doesn't want to hang out with her anymore. But I'm not saying anything. I'm trying to stay out of it.
So... I things have been a bit stressful at work besides the awkwardness... I was replacing someone last night. I guess it was their night off or something. I replaced him before... Last time wasn't as bad as last night! Wayyyyyy too much SALT! I hate working there during the winter. I really do. I hate how my neighbor ignores me. I really do. But there is nothing I can do about that.
"Love and friendships are a lot like farts... If you have to force it, it's probably sh*t!"
I am exhausted, but am so tired that I just can't see myself falling asleep anytime soon. I hurt all over, too. So that will not help me go to sleep.
Y'know what? Almost a week until Valentine's Day... And I was thinking about that quite a bit. I hate Valen-f*ckin'-tines f*ckin' day! Always hated it. I am often alone and feeling pathetically lonely... Last year was pretty sh*tty for me. I'll tell you what happened... I was working that night, but it was the night before that I was working so I ended up going home after work and thinking about my father (who's birthday is Feb. 14th) and I started thinking about my Uncle and wondering how to get in touch with him... He was the only one on my father's side of the family who'd still talk to me and give me the time of day.
So I tried looking for him on facebook, then googled him. I finally found something about him, with his picture, so I knew it was him... It was his obituary! I found my father's mother's obituary the same way, but the year before. She had passed away 4 years before I found out about it. Nobody told me they both had cancer. Nobody told me they had died. So, yeah... Sh*ttiest Valen-fn'tines fn' Day, ever!
My kid doesn't want to hand out valentines at school. He said that if you give 1 to 1 person, you have to give 1 to everyone and he doesn't like everyone. The kids are still picking on him and being mean to him. I fn' hate those brat bastards. Even with all these anti-bullying regulations and campaigns there are still bullies and it just seems there always will be. Then these bullies make life miserable for the other kids at the school and when they grow up, they become adult bullies. Only it seems they never 'grow up'.
And these bullies grow into adult bullies who have kids and teach their kids to be bullies because they are not teaching their kids any respect whatsoever... So we will one day have a generation of ungrateful bastards ruining everything. Life sucks sometimes. Well, at least in that regard it does!
I think I'm already starting to change. I used to care too much and I'd wear my heart on my sleeve. Earliest posts show that side of me. That side that I choose to hide now. That side of me that I wish never existed. I'm starting to get colder now. People can see it in me and they don't like it. You never know what you've got until it is gone. I can walk away now whereas I used to have to force myself to walk away. Okay, sometimes I still have to force myself but I'm starting to realize when I should walk away. Which I never did before. I'd always stay for the sake of staying because I thought I had to or thought I would be missing out on something or... I don't really know why... I was stupid. Okay, still am learning... Doesn't make me less stupid, just makes me susceptible to learning lessons. Usually the hard way.
I saw this picture on facebook that says: " If they really cared, they'd make time for you, not excuses." Someone commented on it and said I was trying to make someone feel guilty and that if I kept myself busy I wouldn't care 'how much time they devoted to me.' First of all, it is up to the person to feel whatever the f*ck they want to. I don't make anyone feel anything. It is their choice to make how they want to feel. Also, I'm not asking anyone to 'devote' their time to me. I'm asking them to consider making time for me and if they really did care, they'd make the time without me having to ask for it.
It was about how a friend of mine from when I was a kid is 'too busy' to make time for me but now she has a new best friend she makes lots of time for. So I didn't invite her to my birthday party. Partly because I wanted to see if she would even remember when my birthday even was... Which she never does. She probably remembers her new best friend's birthday...
So yeah, I was feeling pretty jealous and left out. But I had that sinking feeling she was doing it on purpose so you know what? I just am pretty much ignoring her now and maybe she will come around whenever she feels like it.
So yeah, I need some new friends!
Maybe when I'm dead people will look back and realize that whenever they really needed me I'd drop everything and be there. I am guilty of not being a good friend lately to one of my friends. I feel really bad about that and am going to try to write to him at the very least and apologize about not being there for him. But I figure he has a girlfriend and she can be there for him until I get the chance to show him that I do still care.... I DO care, but I have been trying to keep busy and my friends are having a hard time reaching me to make plans because the windows of opportunity are a lot smaller and fewer between than they used to be. Because I'm not just sitting at home anymore, waiting for someone to call me (which they seldom if ever do).
There are friends from when I was a kid that I'd love to reconnect with but there has been so much time lost that I wonder if they even still think about me. I know that I think about them. A lot. I remember and always will remember when they were there for me and I don't think I could ever pay them back for that kindness. At a time in my life that I really did need someone to care. They did. When I was 'sent away' we lost touch and if it weren't for being locked up and stuff I think things would be different.
Like that girl who used to be my best friend when I was a kid... If I hadn't have moved away or if I got to say good bye and kept in touch, things would be a lot different now. But they are what they are now. I cannot change the past. Nobody understands how I feel about those people. The ones who were there for me when I needed them. Only they are not there for me now. Which is sad. I guess it is because I have grown up and grown apart due to circumstances that were beyond my control. That will always be beyond my control. What they do now is their choice. I cannot sit here and wait for them to think:
"Hey... Remember Abby? I wonder what she is doing today... I wonder how she is doing... I'm going to contact her and ask her..." Y'kow why? Because that might never happen. I don't want to sit here and think that I'm missing out or being intentionally left out so I will gradually become less caring overall. I realize that when I don't care is when others who didn't care before start to care. It is the way it seems to work... So whatever works, works.
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