So things are.... Okay... I guess you could say! Nothing terribly exciting, but nothing bad, either...
Where do I start? I always have a hard time just starting... THEN when I get going it is hard to stop.
There were these two 'events' that I was going to go to but I didn't because a couple guys I was talking to wanted to meet me in person. So yes, I was curious so I met them.
Lately, I've been all about meeting new people... I guess I'm at that 'stage' in my life where I need to do new things and need to go out more etc.
So the first guy... I met him last night... I think it is a cultural thing that was the major difference. Apparently, European guys expect their women to be 'compliant' and 'easy'. I guess the two words I used are kind of interchangeable. Anyway, he was pretty much all over me and wanting me to be the same way... Or expecting me to be that way... Which I am not. Especially not with some guy I just met. So being like that with me is one of my BIGGEST turn offs. Canadian girls are not the same as European girls. There is a difference. North American girls are really reserved and stuff.
Anyway, I have hormone problems. I used to be really... Ummm how do I put it... I could get aroused easily, but I'd still not do anything about it. Now I don't get aroused as often, but I still don't do anything about it when I do.
So you want to know about the second guy? I met him tonight. At first I wasn't sure about meeting him, but I did. I didn't want to be the kind of girl who says one thing, then changes her mind, and makes up excuses. First of all, he is 4 years younger than I am. I don't usually go for guys even my own age. I found him very mature for his age and smart. But there is always something inside me that has that big blockade up and will not let anyone in. I like to think that the guys who get into my heart are lucky because so many have tried and I could not let them in. Ever.
So he is the opposite of me in that regard, (maybe in other regards as well) but he is much more polite about it and can read cues like 'how not to be in a girl's face' or 'grabby grabby'. Which is nice. We talked about that most of the night. But then he asked if we were going back to my place and I had to tell him that 1) I don't have my place cleaned up, yet, 2) I don't have much, if any real furniture, and 3) If I invited you to my place... You might think that meant that I want to do 'things' so it probably would not be a good idea. And he agreed so it was a good call!
Yeah, it was a nice conversation... I liked that he can hold a conversation and he is a lot more mature than other guys his age. Which is a total plus... I just cannot bring myself to just bring random guys home with me. I refuse to rebound. I should be enjoying the single life as much as I can. I should enjoy going out without the accusations and assumptions, the jealousy bullsh*t that I really don't need. If you don't trust me then don't date me! Simple. I shouldn't date guys who are that insecure anyway... So it is just as much my fault, well mostly all my fault because I have control over who I date... This is why I am not dating anymore. I just can't seem to handle it. Guys seem to want wayyyyy too much from me... Excuse me, but last time I checked, I wasn't perfect. And newsflash! Neither are you! So why expect so much from me when I don't expect half as much from you?! I don't get it. I might never 'get it'. But at least I realize that the 'playing field' so to speak is not equal... Never will be. I am not perfect, never will be! So get used to that fact because some facts remain facts.
I just got out of a relationship where the guy was obsessive and possessive, jealous and insecure. It was a disaster in the end, for the lack of a better word... He rebounded. He is now in a relationship with a new girl but he is not over me, yet. I can tell because he keeps writing things about me on his wireclub 'wall'. I was the one who introduced him to wireclub in the first place. I'm not even sure why I did. I guess I didn't want to keep secrets from him or make him think I was cheating on him. Which I didn't. We broke up, but we tried to be friends afterwards. Which obviously didn't work out. Because we were still intimate with each other because I couldn't be intimate with anyone else. I still have yet to be with someone other than him even though we are not intimate anymore, and not friends anymore either. BUT I will not 'get with' a guy just to 'get with someone other than my ex. Because when I find a guy who I feel right with... Then it will happen. I am not into the rebound stuff. It doesn't seem right to me.
My ex didn't want to be alone around Christmas. Or New Year's, or Valentine's Day... So now he has this girl... So maybe they will be good for each other or he will treat her the same way as he treated me... Christmas... It was the worst time of year when we were 'seeing' each other because he'd try to make me feel guilty about having to do family things. It got very stressful without him adding more pressure and stress during the holidays with his guilt trips and everything else. Trying to manipulate my emotions. One thing I will say is if a guy is constantly talking about how he hates drama and head games... They are the guys who will constantly create the drama and play the head games... Those who deny it, imply it. Simple. Well, most cases. Like I deny wanting to have sex because I really don't want it. Because I have yet to meet a guy who will just let me be myself without expecting me to be anything else. Therefore I cannot trust many, if any guys out there. So how am I supposed to want to be intimate with a guy I cannot trust? I don't get it.
The guy I met tonight doesn't understand why I don't want to be intimate with anyone... I can't be intimate with strangers like some people can. I just cannot. I can't even 'get with' someone I've known for a while... I have to be in a relationship and one that is a closed relationship. I cannot 'get with' someone without my emotions getting involved as well. So I cannot invest 'myself' and my 'emotions' for some one night fling thing. It does not work for me.
I know a guy (won't say who) who has been celibate for 6 years. A little older than me. I, for one, think it is really sexy that he has the self control to have waited that long. Well, there is another guy I know who is also in that boat, but I don't know how many years it has been for him...
If I really wanted to, which I don't, I could 'get with' a guy. There are a few guys who want to 'get with' me. A few of them are friends who want to be more than friends... I couldn't go there. Friends are friends. Platonic. Friends are to be friends with... Simple. K.I.S.S: I like to say it stands for keep it stupidly simple. I am guilty of having too many complications in my life. Many times. But complications just get more complicated. They really do.
I could go on and on about things I learned from past relationships, but I won't. All I can say is that I learned more about relationships and about how guys think than I learned about myself. Not that I was really dating to discover myself. Maybe while I am still single I should do more self discovery stuff and not even focus or think about guys at all. I don't really care about dating now. I used to. I cared too much about meeting the right guy and being happy together... I don't need a guy to be happy 'with'. I just need to be happy on my own.
I know I'm much happier without my ex in my life trying to manipulate me and then trying to manipulate me more because his initial manipulations were not working... Why should I be made to feel guilty when I am not doing anything wrong? Maybe there were things that I could have done and maybe should have done, but I am not meant to 'make' someone happy. Happiness is a choice. Sometimes it is hard to make that choice, but it is a choice nonetheless. I am not meant to 'make' some feel 'secure'. This is an internal thing. If you cannot make yourself feel secure then nobody else will make you feel secure. You don't get security from others. It starts with yourself, on the inside.
I have choices to make. I have already made some. My choices are:
1) Stay single or rebound. I chose to stay single.
2) Stay feeling like crap or feel better. I chose to feel better.
3) Brood or get and stay busy. I chose to stay busy.
4) Live my life or let others live it for me. I chose to live my life.
There are more choices I have made and have yet to make. I am confident I can choose what is right for me. Although I have made bad choices in the past and will continue to do so periodically. Maybe because I still have so much more to learn in life and the only way I can truly learn is by making some bad choices. I can only hope that the lessons I learn make me stronger and don't take so much away from me. For there will come a time I will not have anything left to lose.
Where do I start? I always have a hard time just starting... THEN when I get going it is hard to stop.
There were these two 'events' that I was going to go to but I didn't because a couple guys I was talking to wanted to meet me in person. So yes, I was curious so I met them.
Lately, I've been all about meeting new people... I guess I'm at that 'stage' in my life where I need to do new things and need to go out more etc.
So the first guy... I met him last night... I think it is a cultural thing that was the major difference. Apparently, European guys expect their women to be 'compliant' and 'easy'. I guess the two words I used are kind of interchangeable. Anyway, he was pretty much all over me and wanting me to be the same way... Or expecting me to be that way... Which I am not. Especially not with some guy I just met. So being like that with me is one of my BIGGEST turn offs. Canadian girls are not the same as European girls. There is a difference. North American girls are really reserved and stuff.
Anyway, I have hormone problems. I used to be really... Ummm how do I put it... I could get aroused easily, but I'd still not do anything about it. Now I don't get aroused as often, but I still don't do anything about it when I do.
So you want to know about the second guy? I met him tonight. At first I wasn't sure about meeting him, but I did. I didn't want to be the kind of girl who says one thing, then changes her mind, and makes up excuses. First of all, he is 4 years younger than I am. I don't usually go for guys even my own age. I found him very mature for his age and smart. But there is always something inside me that has that big blockade up and will not let anyone in. I like to think that the guys who get into my heart are lucky because so many have tried and I could not let them in. Ever.
So he is the opposite of me in that regard, (maybe in other regards as well) but he is much more polite about it and can read cues like 'how not to be in a girl's face' or 'grabby grabby'. Which is nice. We talked about that most of the night. But then he asked if we were going back to my place and I had to tell him that 1) I don't have my place cleaned up, yet, 2) I don't have much, if any real furniture, and 3) If I invited you to my place... You might think that meant that I want to do 'things' so it probably would not be a good idea. And he agreed so it was a good call!
Yeah, it was a nice conversation... I liked that he can hold a conversation and he is a lot more mature than other guys his age. Which is a total plus... I just cannot bring myself to just bring random guys home with me. I refuse to rebound. I should be enjoying the single life as much as I can. I should enjoy going out without the accusations and assumptions, the jealousy bullsh*t that I really don't need. If you don't trust me then don't date me! Simple. I shouldn't date guys who are that insecure anyway... So it is just as much my fault, well mostly all my fault because I have control over who I date... This is why I am not dating anymore. I just can't seem to handle it. Guys seem to want wayyyyy too much from me... Excuse me, but last time I checked, I wasn't perfect. And newsflash! Neither are you! So why expect so much from me when I don't expect half as much from you?! I don't get it. I might never 'get it'. But at least I realize that the 'playing field' so to speak is not equal... Never will be. I am not perfect, never will be! So get used to that fact because some facts remain facts.
I just got out of a relationship where the guy was obsessive and possessive, jealous and insecure. It was a disaster in the end, for the lack of a better word... He rebounded. He is now in a relationship with a new girl but he is not over me, yet. I can tell because he keeps writing things about me on his wireclub 'wall'. I was the one who introduced him to wireclub in the first place. I'm not even sure why I did. I guess I didn't want to keep secrets from him or make him think I was cheating on him. Which I didn't. We broke up, but we tried to be friends afterwards. Which obviously didn't work out. Because we were still intimate with each other because I couldn't be intimate with anyone else. I still have yet to be with someone other than him even though we are not intimate anymore, and not friends anymore either. BUT I will not 'get with' a guy just to 'get with someone other than my ex. Because when I find a guy who I feel right with... Then it will happen. I am not into the rebound stuff. It doesn't seem right to me.
My ex didn't want to be alone around Christmas. Or New Year's, or Valentine's Day... So now he has this girl... So maybe they will be good for each other or he will treat her the same way as he treated me... Christmas... It was the worst time of year when we were 'seeing' each other because he'd try to make me feel guilty about having to do family things. It got very stressful without him adding more pressure and stress during the holidays with his guilt trips and everything else. Trying to manipulate my emotions. One thing I will say is if a guy is constantly talking about how he hates drama and head games... They are the guys who will constantly create the drama and play the head games... Those who deny it, imply it. Simple. Well, most cases. Like I deny wanting to have sex because I really don't want it. Because I have yet to meet a guy who will just let me be myself without expecting me to be anything else. Therefore I cannot trust many, if any guys out there. So how am I supposed to want to be intimate with a guy I cannot trust? I don't get it.
The guy I met tonight doesn't understand why I don't want to be intimate with anyone... I can't be intimate with strangers like some people can. I just cannot. I can't even 'get with' someone I've known for a while... I have to be in a relationship and one that is a closed relationship. I cannot 'get with' someone without my emotions getting involved as well. So I cannot invest 'myself' and my 'emotions' for some one night fling thing. It does not work for me.
I know a guy (won't say who) who has been celibate for 6 years. A little older than me. I, for one, think it is really sexy that he has the self control to have waited that long. Well, there is another guy I know who is also in that boat, but I don't know how many years it has been for him...
If I really wanted to, which I don't, I could 'get with' a guy. There are a few guys who want to 'get with' me. A few of them are friends who want to be more than friends... I couldn't go there. Friends are friends. Platonic. Friends are to be friends with... Simple. K.I.S.S: I like to say it stands for keep it stupidly simple. I am guilty of having too many complications in my life. Many times. But complications just get more complicated. They really do.
I could go on and on about things I learned from past relationships, but I won't. All I can say is that I learned more about relationships and about how guys think than I learned about myself. Not that I was really dating to discover myself. Maybe while I am still single I should do more self discovery stuff and not even focus or think about guys at all. I don't really care about dating now. I used to. I cared too much about meeting the right guy and being happy together... I don't need a guy to be happy 'with'. I just need to be happy on my own.
I know I'm much happier without my ex in my life trying to manipulate me and then trying to manipulate me more because his initial manipulations were not working... Why should I be made to feel guilty when I am not doing anything wrong? Maybe there were things that I could have done and maybe should have done, but I am not meant to 'make' someone happy. Happiness is a choice. Sometimes it is hard to make that choice, but it is a choice nonetheless. I am not meant to 'make' some feel 'secure'. This is an internal thing. If you cannot make yourself feel secure then nobody else will make you feel secure. You don't get security from others. It starts with yourself, on the inside.
I have choices to make. I have already made some. My choices are:
1) Stay single or rebound. I chose to stay single.
2) Stay feeling like crap or feel better. I chose to feel better.
3) Brood or get and stay busy. I chose to stay busy.
4) Live my life or let others live it for me. I chose to live my life.
There are more choices I have made and have yet to make. I am confident I can choose what is right for me. Although I have made bad choices in the past and will continue to do so periodically. Maybe because I still have so much more to learn in life and the only way I can truly learn is by making some bad choices. I can only hope that the lessons I learn make me stronger and don't take so much away from me. For there will come a time I will not have anything left to lose.
No comments:
Post a Comment