Well, 2013 is almost over! Thank goodness for that! Too much drama and crap this year to last me a life time. Too many stupid emotions surfacing. It's just so hard to suppress them all the time. You do that too long and they come out when you least want them to.
I realized I was over reacting. Yes, I am a girl, I will always be emotional, but being that emotional... Well it made me realize that I am emotionally unstable... Yes, of course you already knew that. I already did too, but I am admitting it. Not that I couldn't before,
But being like that means I am not ready for anything with a guy, at least not in a romance type of thing.
I have realized a lot of things, but often forget. Yes, it is a 'game', but I wish it wasn't. I don't like playing games. My heart is not a toy. So I should just keep it locked up tight. Been wearing it on my sleeve way too much in the past. I keep saying I won't do that anymore... Well will I ever learn? Eventually! I can be a slow learner sometimes. Slow learner in the fast lane. Bound to miss something that goes way over my head. You know me... Obvious could beat me over the head and I'd still wouldn't know what hit me.
It takes time to learn. At least it does for me. Even if it is the SAME DAMN LESSONS over and over again. You'd think by age 30 (in a couple of weeks) that I'd already have this crap down by now. Not yet, but getting closer than before. At least I can say that.
I don't want to date actually. A tiny part of me does or might eventually, but not now. The clear headed and clear thinking me knows how emotionally unstable I am, knows I have a lot to learn, knows I have a lot of work to do on myself and on my life. I have too much to focus on and focus on achieving. Including that 'love yourself' thing.
Anyway, as I already commented to Sean, I started going on POF again without the expectation or intention to date. Years ago, I was way too desperate. Way more unstable emotionally. Well, you know... If you've been following me years ago. It may not seem as though I have changed, but I think I have.
So I've been talking to a bunch of guys on there. They want to meet me, but I am wary. I am also aware I have to be really careful. I tell them right away that I am not looking for a relationship. So far, I have started talking to a few nice seeming guys. I'll probably get off there soon though. I don't want to start talking to too many people at once. I'm constantly getting new messages. It's been keeping me busy responding to them. Gives me something to look forward to. The people I have started talking to.. Trying to keep it a small circle... Are the type of people I'm sure I'll still be talking to a long time from now.
I have a few friends I met from that site from the last time I was on there. We are still really good friends. I am happy with what I got now. I don't need more than that. Actually I should just leave it where it's at now and just get off the site while the going is good.
Some of my friendships from the past aren't going the way I'd hoped. Maybe it is because I had expectations that were not met when I shouldn't have had any expectations to begin with. It's the ego that has the 'needs'. The spirit does not. The ego is the one that is constantly disappointed. That's where all the 'hurt' feelings come from. It often consumes people, if they let it. even if only momentarily.
So far I have a few friends online I can talk with and relate to or who relate with me. It's all good. Who needs a boyfriend when they have friends? Not with 'benefits'. Well not the sexual variety. I'd prefer the non sexual benefits any day.
I realized I was over reacting. Yes, I am a girl, I will always be emotional, but being that emotional... Well it made me realize that I am emotionally unstable... Yes, of course you already knew that. I already did too, but I am admitting it. Not that I couldn't before,
But being like that means I am not ready for anything with a guy, at least not in a romance type of thing.
I have realized a lot of things, but often forget. Yes, it is a 'game', but I wish it wasn't. I don't like playing games. My heart is not a toy. So I should just keep it locked up tight. Been wearing it on my sleeve way too much in the past. I keep saying I won't do that anymore... Well will I ever learn? Eventually! I can be a slow learner sometimes. Slow learner in the fast lane. Bound to miss something that goes way over my head. You know me... Obvious could beat me over the head and I'd still wouldn't know what hit me.
It takes time to learn. At least it does for me. Even if it is the SAME DAMN LESSONS over and over again. You'd think by age 30 (in a couple of weeks) that I'd already have this crap down by now. Not yet, but getting closer than before. At least I can say that.
I don't want to date actually. A tiny part of me does or might eventually, but not now. The clear headed and clear thinking me knows how emotionally unstable I am, knows I have a lot to learn, knows I have a lot of work to do on myself and on my life. I have too much to focus on and focus on achieving. Including that 'love yourself' thing.
Anyway, as I already commented to Sean, I started going on POF again without the expectation or intention to date. Years ago, I was way too desperate. Way more unstable emotionally. Well, you know... If you've been following me years ago. It may not seem as though I have changed, but I think I have.
So I've been talking to a bunch of guys on there. They want to meet me, but I am wary. I am also aware I have to be really careful. I tell them right away that I am not looking for a relationship. So far, I have started talking to a few nice seeming guys. I'll probably get off there soon though. I don't want to start talking to too many people at once. I'm constantly getting new messages. It's been keeping me busy responding to them. Gives me something to look forward to. The people I have started talking to.. Trying to keep it a small circle... Are the type of people I'm sure I'll still be talking to a long time from now.
I have a few friends I met from that site from the last time I was on there. We are still really good friends. I am happy with what I got now. I don't need more than that. Actually I should just leave it where it's at now and just get off the site while the going is good.
Some of my friendships from the past aren't going the way I'd hoped. Maybe it is because I had expectations that were not met when I shouldn't have had any expectations to begin with. It's the ego that has the 'needs'. The spirit does not. The ego is the one that is constantly disappointed. That's where all the 'hurt' feelings come from. It often consumes people, if they let it. even if only momentarily.
So far I have a few friends online I can talk with and relate to or who relate with me. It's all good. Who needs a boyfriend when they have friends? Not with 'benefits'. Well not the sexual variety. I'd prefer the non sexual benefits any day.
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