I know there are a LOT of people out there who don't believe in ghosts or spirits. But a lot of people believe in energy. My energy is my spirit. When my spirit is low, so is my energy. The life force or whatever it is that keeps me alive won't vanish when I die. I don't believe that it will. I do believe a bit in the reincarnation factor. Sometimes I think that I am someone who has died (was strangled to death) in a former life. It's not just my fear of strangulation that makes me think this. I have this reflex. The reflex is that whenever there is something too tight on my body, especially touching certain areas of my neck, I start gagging and choking, causing me to actually vomit a lot of the time. It's like me whole stomach churns when this happens, and I am fighting for air, my eyes are watering... It's crazy. It's also really embarrassing when it happens in public, or even in front of anyone. Sometimes I think that will be my fate, being strangled to death. I really hate it. I wish I could be normal and not like this....
Anyway, I already told you about the fact that sometimes I use an Ouiji board... I asked some questions about my own fate. I wrote and left a note for one of my friends on my google documents just in case anything should happen to me. About the results of that session. So if any of that happens to be accurate, then he has the choice whether to believe or not. Either way, if I do die way before my time, I'll always be looking out for him and his family. For all my friends and all my friend's families.
I believe that there is someone looking out for me because I have put myself in situations with people that had those people decided to kill me, I would have been dead already. The only things that saved me were the fact that those people feel comfortable around me, that someone has to be watching over me, that my time isn't here, yet. I was just lucky to be alive after close calls. By close calls I mean the uncertainty and the possibility that they could have killed me if they wanted to at the time.
When people trust me with their secrets, I feel privileged, but also scared because I think that some people would go to any length to keep their secrets especially when they regret telling someone who could possibly tell someone else. When I have a secret I don't usually tell anyone. Especially if it is concerning someone else. If it is someone else's secret then I have no right to tell it. Unless it might happen to be hazardous to the health or detrimental to the safety of someone else. If it means saving a life... Then you know the answer to that already.
There is more I wanted to talk about... I guess if I try to think about it long enough, I might remember.... Just I had to change the subject from all the stuff that was stressing me out because nobody wants to hear me complain (anymore) about how my life isn't 'ideal'. Sure, I have ideas on how I'd like my life to be like... A lot of people already know what my true heart's desires are. I've hinted along the way long enough that by now you should know a lot more about me than most people do. My own family doesn't know much about me. If you asked any of my cousins, aunts, uncles anything about me... They wouldn't be able to tell you anything about me. Maybe only a few things that trickled down the family grapevine, but nothing much else.
Sometimes I envision cops reading my blog one day, trying to solve my murder... Going through my apartment, collecting things for 'evidence'. I pity them because as open as I am. I'm also secretive. I don't write down absolutely everything. Only what I think and feel. I rarely tell anyone where I'm going, when I'll be back, who I'm with.... I can be pretty trusting and that is what makes people who care about me worry. I worry about my kid for the same reasons. He is so naive like his mother. He is like me in so many ways. I want to think that I tried to teach him well, but I keep thinking that I should have done so much more. I keep thinking that I want to do more now, only I don't get the chance as often as I want to. Since he lives with his father now and I'm lucky enough to see him once a week. I used to see him every day and it is so hard to go from every day to only once a week. I keep feeling that he will be torn from my life forever and I HATE feeling that way. I just don't want to lose him again. I don't want to go through that again. Part of why I'm afraid to have any more kids. My kid is brokenhearted that he is an only child. I just don't see myself having any more kids because I don't see myself getting married. Ever. With all the problems with dating that I've had, it just doesn't look promising. Not for me. Everyone else, but me.
But it might happen one day, that I get pregnant again... Just I doubt that it will. It's hard to even trust anyone anymore. How can I ever trust a guy to get near me in that way when I have a hard time telling anyone anything? Unless I write on here... It's the most honest I've been. Kind of like a confessional. Without having to confess to a priest, only I don't confess EVERYTHING. I keep so much inside that maybe one day I'll just go crazy. I often wonder why a lot of crazy people want to tell everyone they are crazy by doing the craziest things.
What will people remember about me when I die, though? Will they just remember the craziness? Is that all? I want people to have good memories about me, with me, to share. Only I don't have a lot of memories anymore. I lost a lot of them. I think maybe on purpose. A lot of bad memories are somewhere in my mind but I locked them up so that they won't hurt me. I think that if I leave them locked up forever that they'll never hurt me again. One friend told me that you have to let them hurt you so that you cam heal. There is no healing without hurting. It goes hand in hand. Like rain and sunshine.
There will come a day when things start to make sense, just not today.
Anyway, I already told you about the fact that sometimes I use an Ouiji board... I asked some questions about my own fate. I wrote and left a note for one of my friends on my google documents just in case anything should happen to me. About the results of that session. So if any of that happens to be accurate, then he has the choice whether to believe or not. Either way, if I do die way before my time, I'll always be looking out for him and his family. For all my friends and all my friend's families.
I believe that there is someone looking out for me because I have put myself in situations with people that had those people decided to kill me, I would have been dead already. The only things that saved me were the fact that those people feel comfortable around me, that someone has to be watching over me, that my time isn't here, yet. I was just lucky to be alive after close calls. By close calls I mean the uncertainty and the possibility that they could have killed me if they wanted to at the time.
When people trust me with their secrets, I feel privileged, but also scared because I think that some people would go to any length to keep their secrets especially when they regret telling someone who could possibly tell someone else. When I have a secret I don't usually tell anyone. Especially if it is concerning someone else. If it is someone else's secret then I have no right to tell it. Unless it might happen to be hazardous to the health or detrimental to the safety of someone else. If it means saving a life... Then you know the answer to that already.
There is more I wanted to talk about... I guess if I try to think about it long enough, I might remember.... Just I had to change the subject from all the stuff that was stressing me out because nobody wants to hear me complain (anymore) about how my life isn't 'ideal'. Sure, I have ideas on how I'd like my life to be like... A lot of people already know what my true heart's desires are. I've hinted along the way long enough that by now you should know a lot more about me than most people do. My own family doesn't know much about me. If you asked any of my cousins, aunts, uncles anything about me... They wouldn't be able to tell you anything about me. Maybe only a few things that trickled down the family grapevine, but nothing much else.
Sometimes I envision cops reading my blog one day, trying to solve my murder... Going through my apartment, collecting things for 'evidence'. I pity them because as open as I am. I'm also secretive. I don't write down absolutely everything. Only what I think and feel. I rarely tell anyone where I'm going, when I'll be back, who I'm with.... I can be pretty trusting and that is what makes people who care about me worry. I worry about my kid for the same reasons. He is so naive like his mother. He is like me in so many ways. I want to think that I tried to teach him well, but I keep thinking that I should have done so much more. I keep thinking that I want to do more now, only I don't get the chance as often as I want to. Since he lives with his father now and I'm lucky enough to see him once a week. I used to see him every day and it is so hard to go from every day to only once a week. I keep feeling that he will be torn from my life forever and I HATE feeling that way. I just don't want to lose him again. I don't want to go through that again. Part of why I'm afraid to have any more kids. My kid is brokenhearted that he is an only child. I just don't see myself having any more kids because I don't see myself getting married. Ever. With all the problems with dating that I've had, it just doesn't look promising. Not for me. Everyone else, but me.
But it might happen one day, that I get pregnant again... Just I doubt that it will. It's hard to even trust anyone anymore. How can I ever trust a guy to get near me in that way when I have a hard time telling anyone anything? Unless I write on here... It's the most honest I've been. Kind of like a confessional. Without having to confess to a priest, only I don't confess EVERYTHING. I keep so much inside that maybe one day I'll just go crazy. I often wonder why a lot of crazy people want to tell everyone they are crazy by doing the craziest things.
What will people remember about me when I die, though? Will they just remember the craziness? Is that all? I want people to have good memories about me, with me, to share. Only I don't have a lot of memories anymore. I lost a lot of them. I think maybe on purpose. A lot of bad memories are somewhere in my mind but I locked them up so that they won't hurt me. I think that if I leave them locked up forever that they'll never hurt me again. One friend told me that you have to let them hurt you so that you cam heal. There is no healing without hurting. It goes hand in hand. Like rain and sunshine.
There will come a day when things start to make sense, just not today.
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