Emotional is one thing I am. I guess mainly because I'm a female. It's been pretty confusing these last few days. Probably because my feelings are affecting my thoughts and the other way around. I want to leave my emotions out of it because I want to try to think clearly. I want to make some good choices. I know how I feel when I made bad choices. I hate feeling that way.
It's weird, my mind is all over the place and it's hard to focus long enough to think about these things going on in my life long enough to solve one at a time. Everything is hitting me all at once. But I know what the solution is. It is to just try to keep things as simple as possible. No need to complicate things that don't need to be complicated. As simple as that. Only it's not as simple as just turning my feelings off. I wish I could do that sometimes, but I can't.
Over the years I wasted a lot of energy going after the wrong things, at the wrong times, for the wrong reasons. Everything was just wrong. The only thing right about it is the fact that I can NOW realize that it was all wrong. That it motivates me to WANT the right things, at the right times, for the right reasons and there will not be anything wrong about that. Even though it is kind of selfish to WANT anything for MYSELF. I have such an easy time being happy for someone else who has something going right in their life and such a hard time being happy just for me. I don't know why that is. I think that when I tell people I am happy for them and get excited about their life they think that I'm being fake or being weird. I've always just found it natural and easy. Especially if it is someone I care about. A friend.
But what could I really want out of life? All I ever really ask for are things for others. I could only ask for my son to be healthy, he is. I want him to be happy. He is, sometimes. I ask for people who need guidance to get what they need. I realized a while ago that I can't ask for anything more. I guess part of me really thinks that I'm not worthy of asking for anything. From so many years of being in situations that made me think and feel that way. I kept that inside for so many years. I can finally admit that part of me feels like I don't deserve anything really good in my life. Because of things I did, or because other people did things to me. That weight of feeling like I don't deserve anything could be lifted one day.
One day I might meet someone who lets me be myself, who accepts me the way I am (as messed up as I am) who could love me (real love, not selfish love). Maybe this person, whoever they are, can help me see things that I've needed to see all my life. I spend so many nights alone, trying to see into my own soul and wondering what is in there that has been locked up and guarded as though it is so valuable... I know that people see parts of it when they see me happy. When I'm actually happy. I like being happy. It feels pretty good. I'm just not happy all the time or even very often. Because I worry way too much and think way too much (without actually thinking, which I hate). I'm just too confused sometimes to just enjoy the moment and just be happy.
It's weird, my mind is all over the place and it's hard to focus long enough to think about these things going on in my life long enough to solve one at a time. Everything is hitting me all at once. But I know what the solution is. It is to just try to keep things as simple as possible. No need to complicate things that don't need to be complicated. As simple as that. Only it's not as simple as just turning my feelings off. I wish I could do that sometimes, but I can't.
Over the years I wasted a lot of energy going after the wrong things, at the wrong times, for the wrong reasons. Everything was just wrong. The only thing right about it is the fact that I can NOW realize that it was all wrong. That it motivates me to WANT the right things, at the right times, for the right reasons and there will not be anything wrong about that. Even though it is kind of selfish to WANT anything for MYSELF. I have such an easy time being happy for someone else who has something going right in their life and such a hard time being happy just for me. I don't know why that is. I think that when I tell people I am happy for them and get excited about their life they think that I'm being fake or being weird. I've always just found it natural and easy. Especially if it is someone I care about. A friend.
But what could I really want out of life? All I ever really ask for are things for others. I could only ask for my son to be healthy, he is. I want him to be happy. He is, sometimes. I ask for people who need guidance to get what they need. I realized a while ago that I can't ask for anything more. I guess part of me really thinks that I'm not worthy of asking for anything. From so many years of being in situations that made me think and feel that way. I kept that inside for so many years. I can finally admit that part of me feels like I don't deserve anything really good in my life. Because of things I did, or because other people did things to me. That weight of feeling like I don't deserve anything could be lifted one day.
One day I might meet someone who lets me be myself, who accepts me the way I am (as messed up as I am) who could love me (real love, not selfish love). Maybe this person, whoever they are, can help me see things that I've needed to see all my life. I spend so many nights alone, trying to see into my own soul and wondering what is in there that has been locked up and guarded as though it is so valuable... I know that people see parts of it when they see me happy. When I'm actually happy. I like being happy. It feels pretty good. I'm just not happy all the time or even very often. Because I worry way too much and think way too much (without actually thinking, which I hate). I'm just too confused sometimes to just enjoy the moment and just be happy.
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