I've been thinking too much and sometimes not thinking hard enough. I've been selfish in some ways. I know I have and I feel guilty about it. The only thing I can do about it after the fact is to try to change my ways. Sometimes I feel like I'm making progress, other times I feel like I'm going nowhere. All these conflicted emotions about where I am in life, where I am headed, where I want to be in life... All mixed together.
I know that nothing gets done sitting here feeling sorry for myself. I can't feel sorry for myself because everything has been up to me (whatever I have control over) all this time and I didn't know how to do the right things. Even though I wanted to. If I could even start to describe the feeling I've been having when I think about all that's gone wrong... It's hard to describe it because it's more than guilt feelings... It's worse than that. It's a bit of fear mixed in there that things won't get any better. Even though they have to because I'm trying my best. I have some help now and that's so much more than I've had before.
At this point, I feel like it's not too late yet. That I can still move forward if I let go of a few things that are holding me back. Letting go is the hard part. I keep holding on because I feel like everything that I'm holding onto is all that I've got and that I might not get anything other than what I have right now. So I guess it is fear that is holding me back from going forward. It's anxiety as well as fear. Some people say they are one in the same, but it goes deeper than each other. They are related, but not the same.
I think things are changing inside me. My feelings towards certain situations are starting to change, but the changes can't be completed until everything changes. The reason things are still the same is because I've been doing what I've been doing for years. Sitting on the fence and saying that I want to, that I will, saying yes... When everything inside me is screaming that I can't, that it won't happen, and saying no. I have been taught this all my life by people who should know better, who should have been helping me and teaching me all my life. Teach me, they did. Even though they don't know that they taught me what not to do, how not to handle situations. It's the teaching by example. They 'do as I say, not as I do' way of teaching... That is why I should have looked for other teachers. Role models even... To look up to, to teach me... It's hard when I'm stuck in these old habits of living because it's all I've ever known... Yes, it is hard, but everything that is hard in life teaches you something that you need to learn. Without those hard lessons in life, you know nothing.
So... I can sit here and tell you the facts, like I always have. You can read it, or not. Choice is yours. I can tell you people out there how I feel, what I think, and why I feel or think that way... You can judge me or think whatever you want to. I can judge your judgments of me if they are known to me. Other than than that, you can just judge me to yourselves. You can think I'm crazy or maybe I make a bit of sense.... Sometimes I think I make sense, but other times I think you have every right to think I'm crazy...
I've learned that it's so easy to be selfish. So easy that it doesn't even seem like it's selfishness... Until you actually see how choices affect other people in your life... I can say that yes, I have made mistakes. That I keep making them. That I'll always make them. Maybe because it's the only way I learn anything. The hard way. Would I like to be perfect? Maybe. Perfection has its price, too. The price is that when you are 'perfect' people expect more and more from you until you just can't keep meeting expectations anymore. The more expectations you meet, the more are made for you. Like for example, the more you achieve, the more people expect you to achieve. It sort of works for some people. The over achieving people. It gives them encouragement. The encouragement gives them ambition to keep achieving. Have I achieved anything? I have made some significant achievements, only I fail to keep achieving and thriving. I hit a wall from time to time that takes me an even more significant amount of time to get over. I took years off work. After school, I never got a career... Want to know something? I'm the only one in my family who has finished high school before the age of 20. My youngest brother just turned 20 and he is 2 credits short of finishing high school, only he got himself kicked out of school. My other brother hasn't finished his last year of high school. My mother finished high school when I was 12 years old....
I want to look back on my life and say "At least I did that".
Before I start rambling on again, I want to thank Sean for coming to see me the other day. He was in the neighborhood and came to see me. I don't get many visitors. It was kind of a big deal for me. Even though I felt a bit guilty because I was keeping him from his family. I can honestly say that I can tell Sean anything. I can let him come into my messy apartment and I know he's not going to judge me if I have a pile here or there or if I say this or that. He listens to me. He always has. It's the kind of guy Sean is.
We did talk a little bit about the concept of marriage. Because he's married and I'm not. It used to be the only thing I ever really wanted. Because of the stability it is supposed to represent in the 'love' sector. Which was an important part of life for me. Stability and love... Those two things are important to me and those two things together make each other stronger... That's why they were so important to me... But now... Since I've realized that one does not equate the other... I do need one... Stability. When I achieve that, then and only then am I READY to LOVE. Not the selfish kind of love I was in before. A real kind of love... I can't just close my eyes and pretend I'm happy when I'm not. It doesn't work that way. I can't be in love that way, either. When I fell in love before... Things were great at the beginning. They always are great at the very start of any relationship. How new couples always want to be with each other and all of that. Hardly give each other space to breathe... That is what happens. One of them starts trying harder and harder when the other one slowly starts to give up. Love, real love is about compromise. I can say I can compromise to a degree. I end up always sacrificing parts of myself to make the other person happy. Then they realize that I'm not happy anymore. Because I'm not the same person I used to be... I change all the time. Because parts of me die away to bring life to someone else. They end up happy. I end up depressed.
For example, I'm sort of seeing someone I had a relationship with in the past. He still loves me. I love him, but not the way he wants me to. Not the way I used to. Because I'm a different person now. I am changing on the inside. I realize that everything will stay the same if I ever got back together with him. I was not happy with the way things were or had become. He knows that. I think he wants to change, but doesn't know how to. Even if he wanted to. Sometimes it's hard to tell if he wants to, or not. Some parts of seeing him are still good even though I still have my fears and reservations about getting close again. I feel like I'm still giving him what he wants by still being in his life. I want to be friends and he wants more than that. If I don't give him the 'more' that he wants then he won't even want to be friends... Which is the hard part. I still go along with it anyway. Even though I still feel guilty every day that it keeps going like this. I just don't know what else to do. He wants me to be his girlfriend and not just a friend. He even tells people that I'm his girlfriend. I still say that I'm single because that's what I want to be. I don't want a commitment because it's too complicated emotionally for me when I'm already complicating things.
Even feeling this way... I can try to make sense out of these feelings by writing about it here, but trying to tell him how I feel is different. Because no matter how I try to tell him... I'm going to hurt him by telling him these things. I don't want to do that. So I just left things the way they are. Even though it seems like I'm giving him false hope. Neither of these situations are going to do either of us any good. So I do have to tell him at some point. This is why I don't even care for dating. I don't like hurting people by not wanting to date them. I've been through that myself. But by dating them when they are the ones who want to date is hurting them, too. Either way they are going to get hurt. He knows that I have things on my mind that I can't talk about. Because it's not going to be easy and the longer I wait, the harder it is. He says he won't want to be just friends because of the way he feels about me... It's frustrating. I want to make him happy, but at the same time, I want to be happy too. I can't just be happy trying to make him happy because he won't be happy if I'm not happy. He knows I keep holding back my feelings... I just can't find a way to talk about it. It is easier not talking about it (moment to moment) but in the long run it is harder not talking about it. I want him to understand and there is no guarantee that he will see things the way I see them. He'll just be hurt and angry and I'm the only one he has. Without me, he has nobody. Which makes it harder to talk to him about this.
I'm not the same person I was last year. Being lonely is not the right reason to jump into someone's arms. Them being lonely is not the right reason to stay in someone's life. It just makes me feel guilty for wanting more out of life than this. Things are not going to change if I stay. I'm taking a risk by staying and I'm taking a risk by leaving. Either way, I'm not doing him any favors because I'm the one he wants to be with. I'm the one who has a bit of stability in my life and sometimes he contributes to it. Sometimes he doesn't. The only thing I want is friendship. I'm giving up on love because it's not right for me right now.
I know that nothing gets done sitting here feeling sorry for myself. I can't feel sorry for myself because everything has been up to me (whatever I have control over) all this time and I didn't know how to do the right things. Even though I wanted to. If I could even start to describe the feeling I've been having when I think about all that's gone wrong... It's hard to describe it because it's more than guilt feelings... It's worse than that. It's a bit of fear mixed in there that things won't get any better. Even though they have to because I'm trying my best. I have some help now and that's so much more than I've had before.
At this point, I feel like it's not too late yet. That I can still move forward if I let go of a few things that are holding me back. Letting go is the hard part. I keep holding on because I feel like everything that I'm holding onto is all that I've got and that I might not get anything other than what I have right now. So I guess it is fear that is holding me back from going forward. It's anxiety as well as fear. Some people say they are one in the same, but it goes deeper than each other. They are related, but not the same.
I think things are changing inside me. My feelings towards certain situations are starting to change, but the changes can't be completed until everything changes. The reason things are still the same is because I've been doing what I've been doing for years. Sitting on the fence and saying that I want to, that I will, saying yes... When everything inside me is screaming that I can't, that it won't happen, and saying no. I have been taught this all my life by people who should know better, who should have been helping me and teaching me all my life. Teach me, they did. Even though they don't know that they taught me what not to do, how not to handle situations. It's the teaching by example. They 'do as I say, not as I do' way of teaching... That is why I should have looked for other teachers. Role models even... To look up to, to teach me... It's hard when I'm stuck in these old habits of living because it's all I've ever known... Yes, it is hard, but everything that is hard in life teaches you something that you need to learn. Without those hard lessons in life, you know nothing.
So... I can sit here and tell you the facts, like I always have. You can read it, or not. Choice is yours. I can tell you people out there how I feel, what I think, and why I feel or think that way... You can judge me or think whatever you want to. I can judge your judgments of me if they are known to me. Other than than that, you can just judge me to yourselves. You can think I'm crazy or maybe I make a bit of sense.... Sometimes I think I make sense, but other times I think you have every right to think I'm crazy...
I've learned that it's so easy to be selfish. So easy that it doesn't even seem like it's selfishness... Until you actually see how choices affect other people in your life... I can say that yes, I have made mistakes. That I keep making them. That I'll always make them. Maybe because it's the only way I learn anything. The hard way. Would I like to be perfect? Maybe. Perfection has its price, too. The price is that when you are 'perfect' people expect more and more from you until you just can't keep meeting expectations anymore. The more expectations you meet, the more are made for you. Like for example, the more you achieve, the more people expect you to achieve. It sort of works for some people. The over achieving people. It gives them encouragement. The encouragement gives them ambition to keep achieving. Have I achieved anything? I have made some significant achievements, only I fail to keep achieving and thriving. I hit a wall from time to time that takes me an even more significant amount of time to get over. I took years off work. After school, I never got a career... Want to know something? I'm the only one in my family who has finished high school before the age of 20. My youngest brother just turned 20 and he is 2 credits short of finishing high school, only he got himself kicked out of school. My other brother hasn't finished his last year of high school. My mother finished high school when I was 12 years old....
I want to look back on my life and say "At least I did that".
Before I start rambling on again, I want to thank Sean for coming to see me the other day. He was in the neighborhood and came to see me. I don't get many visitors. It was kind of a big deal for me. Even though I felt a bit guilty because I was keeping him from his family. I can honestly say that I can tell Sean anything. I can let him come into my messy apartment and I know he's not going to judge me if I have a pile here or there or if I say this or that. He listens to me. He always has. It's the kind of guy Sean is.
We did talk a little bit about the concept of marriage. Because he's married and I'm not. It used to be the only thing I ever really wanted. Because of the stability it is supposed to represent in the 'love' sector. Which was an important part of life for me. Stability and love... Those two things are important to me and those two things together make each other stronger... That's why they were so important to me... But now... Since I've realized that one does not equate the other... I do need one... Stability. When I achieve that, then and only then am I READY to LOVE. Not the selfish kind of love I was in before. A real kind of love... I can't just close my eyes and pretend I'm happy when I'm not. It doesn't work that way. I can't be in love that way, either. When I fell in love before... Things were great at the beginning. They always are great at the very start of any relationship. How new couples always want to be with each other and all of that. Hardly give each other space to breathe... That is what happens. One of them starts trying harder and harder when the other one slowly starts to give up. Love, real love is about compromise. I can say I can compromise to a degree. I end up always sacrificing parts of myself to make the other person happy. Then they realize that I'm not happy anymore. Because I'm not the same person I used to be... I change all the time. Because parts of me die away to bring life to someone else. They end up happy. I end up depressed.
For example, I'm sort of seeing someone I had a relationship with in the past. He still loves me. I love him, but not the way he wants me to. Not the way I used to. Because I'm a different person now. I am changing on the inside. I realize that everything will stay the same if I ever got back together with him. I was not happy with the way things were or had become. He knows that. I think he wants to change, but doesn't know how to. Even if he wanted to. Sometimes it's hard to tell if he wants to, or not. Some parts of seeing him are still good even though I still have my fears and reservations about getting close again. I feel like I'm still giving him what he wants by still being in his life. I want to be friends and he wants more than that. If I don't give him the 'more' that he wants then he won't even want to be friends... Which is the hard part. I still go along with it anyway. Even though I still feel guilty every day that it keeps going like this. I just don't know what else to do. He wants me to be his girlfriend and not just a friend. He even tells people that I'm his girlfriend. I still say that I'm single because that's what I want to be. I don't want a commitment because it's too complicated emotionally for me when I'm already complicating things.
Even feeling this way... I can try to make sense out of these feelings by writing about it here, but trying to tell him how I feel is different. Because no matter how I try to tell him... I'm going to hurt him by telling him these things. I don't want to do that. So I just left things the way they are. Even though it seems like I'm giving him false hope. Neither of these situations are going to do either of us any good. So I do have to tell him at some point. This is why I don't even care for dating. I don't like hurting people by not wanting to date them. I've been through that myself. But by dating them when they are the ones who want to date is hurting them, too. Either way they are going to get hurt. He knows that I have things on my mind that I can't talk about. Because it's not going to be easy and the longer I wait, the harder it is. He says he won't want to be just friends because of the way he feels about me... It's frustrating. I want to make him happy, but at the same time, I want to be happy too. I can't just be happy trying to make him happy because he won't be happy if I'm not happy. He knows I keep holding back my feelings... I just can't find a way to talk about it. It is easier not talking about it (moment to moment) but in the long run it is harder not talking about it. I want him to understand and there is no guarantee that he will see things the way I see them. He'll just be hurt and angry and I'm the only one he has. Without me, he has nobody. Which makes it harder to talk to him about this.
I'm not the same person I was last year. Being lonely is not the right reason to jump into someone's arms. Them being lonely is not the right reason to stay in someone's life. It just makes me feel guilty for wanting more out of life than this. Things are not going to change if I stay. I'm taking a risk by staying and I'm taking a risk by leaving. Either way, I'm not doing him any favors because I'm the one he wants to be with. I'm the one who has a bit of stability in my life and sometimes he contributes to it. Sometimes he doesn't. The only thing I want is friendship. I'm giving up on love because it's not right for me right now.
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