It's been a long time... Not just since I wrote here, just in general for a lot of things. When I was a kid. My best friend lived a little ways across the road. We hung out together, a lot. It's hard for me to remember a lot of things about the time we shared together. I remember that she introduced me to Archie comic books, to Ren and Stimpy... I used to go to her house for dinner. I always took every chance I got to be over there, with her, instead of being at home.
Not a lot of people knew that my home life was messed up because I only had a few friends who ever came over to my house as a kid. For the most part my parents didn't really want me to have friends over.
I had a talk with Pam tonight. For the first time in YEARS. I really missed her and I was almost crying at one point because she was the only real friend I had back then. When I really needed someone. She was there.
She was telling me that she knew it was hard for me as a kid. That I had gone through a lot. But at the time I didn't even know I was going through a lot because I thought it was normal. It seemed normal for me. Even if it didn't seem normal for other people. I guess that's why I'm still struggling with things. What isn't normal in my life I've just sort of accepted because even though there are things I need to learn to change, I don't know how to change them. YET. Just because I can adapt, doesn't mean I have to adapt to my own inadequacies. All this time I've been wanting to accept myself, but there are things I don't like about myself that I need to change. I've known this for a long time, but haven't figured out how to do it, YET.
I don't want to revert back to old habits. Like the procrastination. I think that I procrastinate because a part of me always thinks that I'll have time to do things later. Other parts of me keep thinking that I'm running out of time to do things. Those two sides keep conflicting and they leave me at a standstill of not getting things accomplished.
I sometimes want to look at the past and try to remember things that I have forgotten, but it seems like I have forgotten way too much. I think that something happened to me that I blocked out and I lost a lot of things that went with it. I can't remember a lot of things about the past and sometimes I think it's a good thing, because the past can only affect us if we let it. Other times, not remembering is kind of scary. Like I feel that I'm not exactly who I used to be. I sometimes feel like I don't really have a past because of the big chunks of it that I don't remember. Maybe the memories are locked away somewhere that I can't get to them.
Anyway, long story short... Pamela and I were really good friends when we were kids. Despite her being a bit older than me. We still are a lot alike. We're going to be good friends again. I'm so looking forward to hanging out with her again. I've missed her. She says she missed me too. She told me that she was looking for me after I had moved at the old house I lived in. That she was sad when I moved away. I was sad too. But I'm pretty happy now that we can talk and go see each other again. That we're both Moms now. That's pretty awesome. I always knew she'd make a great Mom.
Not a lot of people knew that my home life was messed up because I only had a few friends who ever came over to my house as a kid. For the most part my parents didn't really want me to have friends over.
I had a talk with Pam tonight. For the first time in YEARS. I really missed her and I was almost crying at one point because she was the only real friend I had back then. When I really needed someone. She was there.
She was telling me that she knew it was hard for me as a kid. That I had gone through a lot. But at the time I didn't even know I was going through a lot because I thought it was normal. It seemed normal for me. Even if it didn't seem normal for other people. I guess that's why I'm still struggling with things. What isn't normal in my life I've just sort of accepted because even though there are things I need to learn to change, I don't know how to change them. YET. Just because I can adapt, doesn't mean I have to adapt to my own inadequacies. All this time I've been wanting to accept myself, but there are things I don't like about myself that I need to change. I've known this for a long time, but haven't figured out how to do it, YET.
I don't want to revert back to old habits. Like the procrastination. I think that I procrastinate because a part of me always thinks that I'll have time to do things later. Other parts of me keep thinking that I'm running out of time to do things. Those two sides keep conflicting and they leave me at a standstill of not getting things accomplished.
I sometimes want to look at the past and try to remember things that I have forgotten, but it seems like I have forgotten way too much. I think that something happened to me that I blocked out and I lost a lot of things that went with it. I can't remember a lot of things about the past and sometimes I think it's a good thing, because the past can only affect us if we let it. Other times, not remembering is kind of scary. Like I feel that I'm not exactly who I used to be. I sometimes feel like I don't really have a past because of the big chunks of it that I don't remember. Maybe the memories are locked away somewhere that I can't get to them.
Anyway, long story short... Pamela and I were really good friends when we were kids. Despite her being a bit older than me. We still are a lot alike. We're going to be good friends again. I'm so looking forward to hanging out with her again. I've missed her. She says she missed me too. She told me that she was looking for me after I had moved at the old house I lived in. That she was sad when I moved away. I was sad too. But I'm pretty happy now that we can talk and go see each other again. That we're both Moms now. That's pretty awesome. I always knew she'd make a great Mom.
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