Been feeling a lot better now that a lot of negativity left my life recently. It is really my choice in how to deal with it. There are actions and reactions. Actions of other people are theirs, reactions to their actions are mine. I've always taken much of it to heart when I should just take it with a grain of salt. Should is one thing, I guess. I know what I SHOULD do, but DOING it is hard sometimes. Life's not meant to be easy. If it was, who would learn anything?
Every mistake is an opportunity to grow from learning. Not just my mistakes, the mistakes other people make, too. Even when the people making mistakes won't acknowledge that they made a mistake. Just because they don't want to learn from their own mistakes doesn't mean they aren't teaching me something. Right?
A friend told me about a site called: www.meetup.com. There are a bunch of different groups that host events of all kinds. I'm really looking for something to help me move forward in a healthy way, meet new people, learn new things. So I joined a couple of clubs and found a few events through them. One is a course related to miracles. It might just take a miracle to get my life to where I want to be! I decided to start on a new path into spirituality because there are aspects of this world that will just never fulfill me.
I don't find the material aspect of this world fulfilling me at all. The last guy I dated was mean enough to say the reason he never took me out on dates was because he started resenting me because of the way I dressed. Do better clothes make people better people?! NO!!! No amount of designer clothes will make some people lead better lives or have better attitudes or treat people like human beings. So why should I spend $200 dollars on a pair of jeans or a jacket or a purse? I see these ladies with huge purses. HUGE! Why do they NEED to carry all this CRAP with them everywhere they go? I'll always be the same person no matter what I wear. If people can't understand that, then they should be with someone else. Someone who is just as materialistic as they are and they can be happy together going shopping. Whatever.
What is there to even need? Besides FOOD, and LOVE? I have to love myself. That's the only way I'm going to be HAPPY. I used to be desperate. I let guys use me. Because I used to think if I made them happy by giving them what they wanted, they'd give me what I wanted... But of course it's not that simple. And NOBODY SHOULD LET ANYONE USE THEM!!! I'm stronger now and I can see now that guys will say anything that they think you want to hear just to get what they want. Once they get what they want, they never want it again!
Not all guys are that way. Sorry for making it seem like I was generalizing... I meant it in the context of my own experiences. My past experiences. Because I am TRYING the BEST I can to lead myself to a place in my life where I look forward to MEANINGFUL experiences. There's always going to be times that I'm going to experience something that is beyond my control, but what I do have control over is how I deal with it. Like how when Roger died and I thought I was going crazy... I was out of my mind for a while... But I keep telling myself that his spirit is free from this physical/materialistic world where he has no pain or worries about how to live his life. He has nothing to be depressed about. He's free now.
In a way, since little parts of me keep dying, I am becoming free. I'm free from the stress of a relationship that was never going to go anywhere. I'm free from his expectations. From anyone's expectations, except my own. I can only expect of myself what I know I am capable of. I'm probably capable of so much more than I know. I only show a piece of myself to everyone. Even to myself. I'm hiding from the world's expectations of me because I think that everyone expects way too much from me sometimes. Especially in relationships. Nobody I've dated has ever realized that I'm NOT PERFECT. Or that I didn't expect them to be perfect. I only ever asked to be met half way and to me, since that's what relationships are supposed to be like to be successful, that wasn't much to ask for.
So for now, I have a few relationships to work on before I'm ready to start dating again. I have to work on the relationship with myself, with my son, with my Grandmother. Those are the top three that matter to me the most. Other than that, I couldn't ask for more and don't even want more than that.
The last attempt at dating opened my eyes and I realized that while I was wasting time going after what I thought I wanted, I wasn't working on the relationships that I already had. So now, I feel so much better knowing what I must do and will do that nothing else matters. If I don't meet anyone to date for the next 5 years... It is okay. Because the world won't end. I need to show the people in my life that I care and that I love them and the rest can go live their own lives without me.
I read something today that made a lot of sense:
Immature love says: "I love you because I need you."
Mature love says: "I love you because I love you."
I am starting to get to that point where I feel that I don't NEED a man in my life. And guess what?! It feels pretty darn GOOD! Just to feel that way. Because it makes me feel stronger than I used to be. I feel that way because I'm thinking that way. Thoughts do affect feelings. If we cannot even share our thoughts, how can we share our feelings? If there is no sharing of thoughts and feelings then there is no real communication. That's how relationships fail.
Anyways, just thought I'd share my thoughts and feelings since that's all I can do for now.
Every mistake is an opportunity to grow from learning. Not just my mistakes, the mistakes other people make, too. Even when the people making mistakes won't acknowledge that they made a mistake. Just because they don't want to learn from their own mistakes doesn't mean they aren't teaching me something. Right?
A friend told me about a site called: www.meetup.com. There are a bunch of different groups that host events of all kinds. I'm really looking for something to help me move forward in a healthy way, meet new people, learn new things. So I joined a couple of clubs and found a few events through them. One is a course related to miracles. It might just take a miracle to get my life to where I want to be! I decided to start on a new path into spirituality because there are aspects of this world that will just never fulfill me.
I don't find the material aspect of this world fulfilling me at all. The last guy I dated was mean enough to say the reason he never took me out on dates was because he started resenting me because of the way I dressed. Do better clothes make people better people?! NO!!! No amount of designer clothes will make some people lead better lives or have better attitudes or treat people like human beings. So why should I spend $200 dollars on a pair of jeans or a jacket or a purse? I see these ladies with huge purses. HUGE! Why do they NEED to carry all this CRAP with them everywhere they go? I'll always be the same person no matter what I wear. If people can't understand that, then they should be with someone else. Someone who is just as materialistic as they are and they can be happy together going shopping. Whatever.
What is there to even need? Besides FOOD, and LOVE? I have to love myself. That's the only way I'm going to be HAPPY. I used to be desperate. I let guys use me. Because I used to think if I made them happy by giving them what they wanted, they'd give me what I wanted... But of course it's not that simple. And NOBODY SHOULD LET ANYONE USE THEM!!! I'm stronger now and I can see now that guys will say anything that they think you want to hear just to get what they want. Once they get what they want, they never want it again!
Not all guys are that way. Sorry for making it seem like I was generalizing... I meant it in the context of my own experiences. My past experiences. Because I am TRYING the BEST I can to lead myself to a place in my life where I look forward to MEANINGFUL experiences. There's always going to be times that I'm going to experience something that is beyond my control, but what I do have control over is how I deal with it. Like how when Roger died and I thought I was going crazy... I was out of my mind for a while... But I keep telling myself that his spirit is free from this physical/materialistic world where he has no pain or worries about how to live his life. He has nothing to be depressed about. He's free now.
In a way, since little parts of me keep dying, I am becoming free. I'm free from the stress of a relationship that was never going to go anywhere. I'm free from his expectations. From anyone's expectations, except my own. I can only expect of myself what I know I am capable of. I'm probably capable of so much more than I know. I only show a piece of myself to everyone. Even to myself. I'm hiding from the world's expectations of me because I think that everyone expects way too much from me sometimes. Especially in relationships. Nobody I've dated has ever realized that I'm NOT PERFECT. Or that I didn't expect them to be perfect. I only ever asked to be met half way and to me, since that's what relationships are supposed to be like to be successful, that wasn't much to ask for.
So for now, I have a few relationships to work on before I'm ready to start dating again. I have to work on the relationship with myself, with my son, with my Grandmother. Those are the top three that matter to me the most. Other than that, I couldn't ask for more and don't even want more than that.
The last attempt at dating opened my eyes and I realized that while I was wasting time going after what I thought I wanted, I wasn't working on the relationships that I already had. So now, I feel so much better knowing what I must do and will do that nothing else matters. If I don't meet anyone to date for the next 5 years... It is okay. Because the world won't end. I need to show the people in my life that I care and that I love them and the rest can go live their own lives without me.
I read something today that made a lot of sense:
Immature love says: "I love you because I need you."
Mature love says: "I love you because I love you."
I am starting to get to that point where I feel that I don't NEED a man in my life. And guess what?! It feels pretty darn GOOD! Just to feel that way. Because it makes me feel stronger than I used to be. I feel that way because I'm thinking that way. Thoughts do affect feelings. If we cannot even share our thoughts, how can we share our feelings? If there is no sharing of thoughts and feelings then there is no real communication. That's how relationships fail.
Anyways, just thought I'd share my thoughts and feelings since that's all I can do for now.
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