Nobody's Fool

I've been staying home for the last few days straight. I haven't left if I didn't have to. I've been feeling a bit shitty because of the way things ended up. I just find it extremely ignorant to smile the biggest smile possible, saying; "Have a good night, Abby." All the while knowing that I have to go home to listen to that message on the answering machine. If that is the way they want to do business, then they will lose business. It will be their own fault. KARMA, baby. Pay back is always a bitch.

I've been given some good ideas, but if I'm going to do any of them, I have to wait until they forget about me. I'm talking about months and months. They won't be expecting it then.

The snow has been melting, which is nice. It is nice to see the grass again. Even if it's all brown and dead. It'll be so muddy this spring. My son will need new rubber boots to go puddle jumping in. He tells me he doesn't need to wear his snow pants anymore. I still make him wear his splash pants because it's still wet out there. It's been so windy, crazy windy.

I'm still waiting for my machine. It'll take a while still. I already sent the payment. I'm waiting to hear if they got it yet. Then they will let me know when they are going to be shipping it out. It's pretty heavy. 14-15 pounds. Well, of course my son weighs more and I can still lift him up and carry him. Our birthdays are coming up and I'm thinking about renting a party room at the community center and inviting the kids in his class to his party. I hope that at least a few of them can come. I want enough kids to come so that we can play some games like duck, duck, goose. Things like that. I want to do some crafts too that they can take home with them. It would be cool to have a pinata.

I'm going out tonight. Going to rent a movie and go to Rob's. He thinks I've been ignoring him lately. One thing is that he doesn't tell me how he feels about things and I have to pry it out of him. He thinks that I haven't called him because I was mad at him. I just haven't called anyone because I just wanted to be left alone for a little while. I needed time to myself to think and get over this shitty mood I've been in. When I feel shitty, I stay away from everyone so I don't end up making them feel shitty, too. But they end up feeling shitty because they think I'm ignoring them. I can never win, can I?

I know I should be doing something productive right now, but I just don't want to do anything. I want to sit here, at this computer for a while, read crime library stuff, then go clean up. It just seems to take forever to clean up and as soon as my son gets home from school, he's going to destroy the place, again. There really is no such thing as winning any battles I tell ya.

I had a really vivid dream last night. I dreamed I was stuck in some camp-like school that was run by bad people. The first day I was there, they had us making ourselves a noose. The noose was for when our time was up. Something like 3 months or so. At the very last day we were to take these nooses and hang ourselves. But at the end of the dream, we were let go and we actually got to go home instead. It was just meant to put the 'fear' into us. The fear of compliance.

I have lots of dreams about my Grandparents' old house. I keep dreaming that I live there with my Grandmother. Only once my Grandfather appeared to me in my dream. I immediately ran to him, having something important to tell him, but I cannot remember what it is that I had to so urgently tell him. He told me not to tell my Grandmother that he was there because it would upset her. I told him how much we all miss him.

Another part of my dream was about the church I used to go to every week. In my dreams, it is bigger, and has a graveyard around it. I was there in my dream, looking for someone. I had to find that person before they left because they were at the camp/school with me and I had something important to ask them about the leader. It felt like a cult in that dream. It was very strange.

Anyway there is a bunch of stuff I have to do around here today. I don't want to do it, but I have to do it. I also have to go to the building next door. I hope I don't get blown away as soon as I get outside. The wind is so strong that I'm scared it might shatter my windows.