It's been strange. Maybe it's hormones or something. Some girl thing. I get ups and downs. The last few days I haven't been feeling the greatest. Maybe the medication does work because I'd probably be feeling tens times worse without it. It's getting cold outside and I know what that means. I hate winter. I'm going to have to get my boots out of the closet. The ones I got last year.
I know that my New Year's resolution is to not spend money needlessly. Well, also for the new year, I'll have a job. I got an offer basically. I buddy of mine told them that he'd tell me they were looking for a chick. So I can probably start working nights soon. I won't be at the same place as he is, but at least it is work in which I have experience.
I am pretty pleased with my efforts today. I cleaned, A LOT. I had a cleaning streak. I feel much better feeling as though I have accomplished something today.
I heard that there were people driving to a destination on a family vacation and a cow fell onto the road, 'from out of the sky'. It fell off a cliff. Maybe the cow got sick of being a cow. But knowing how stupidly brainless cows can often be, it could have been an accident involving a very-not-too-bright cow just doing its cow thing. All of a sudden the ground just disappeared, taking it with it.
It gets hard to deal with sometimes. Sometimes I want to talk about it, but it bothers me that I can't really put it into words. Even if I could put it into words, how crazy would it sound? Awfully crazy. I know what happens to crazy people. Sometimes I think my medication works, but other times I think it just helps a bit. Nothing is ever going to take it away. I should be used to it by now, I should have been able to find a way to work around it, or with it, or through it. Whatever. There are days that I feel great. There are days that I don't feel anything, really. Maybe lonely. I don't think a lot of people understand. Even if I had an explanation, it would not make much sense.
I remember when I was in the hospital. I wanted out and I felt sort of claustrophobic. I could look out the window all I wanted, but it wasn't like being out there. The medication they had me on should not be prescribed to teens, they are for adults. It made me aggressive. It made me do things that I wouldn't normally do. It was scary because it almost compelled my actions, in a way. I'd get urges to do violent things. I had to fight it. They thought my reaction to the drugs was just my behavior. So they kept me in there longer. But I think that is where my anxiety started. In the hospital. Being in there as long as I was, then being let out into a whole new environment. Everything changed. Things got worse. I wanted to go back. I had all that security and then none. Maybe that is why people end up back in jail.
I don't want to go back now, but I know that there's something going on. I can't talk about it. Whenever I talk about it, it brings people down. I don't want to be the one who does it. I've always done that, been the spoiler of good moods, scared people away with my 'dark side'. It is very dark. Unfortunately. Maybe I get 'this' from my father. He was on some sort of medication. Coincidence? He did all the same stupid stuff I've already done. Probably a hell of a lot more that I don't even know about. Besides, I've never woken up in another province and couldn't remember how I got there.
It's definitely there, the dark side. The problem I'm having is slipping in and out of it. I have these really bad thoughts sometimes. Then I try to just snap out of it, but I slip back into it. Maybe they aren't as bad as they seem, but they depress me. These thoughts of mine.
On the lighter side, it's been 11 months so far. A month today will be a year.
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