School is going alright. I like being back at school. I'm just having a few issues with how slow things are going. I know 6 weeks isn't a long time, but for me, it feels like it's going to take 6 months.
Mainly because of the useless stuff we end up talking about in class. I mean, it is ok to get off topic once in a while, but when there are constant interruptions that are just endless, it makes for a LONG day.
I forgot to take my medication this morning so I had a headache, the loudness or rowdy women didn't help it. Other than that and a hard time finding a babysitter, things are ok. I have to talk to them about either helping me find a babysitter so that I can attend classes, or cutting the class shorter. My kid has been picked up late from school twice in his first week of classes. The school is getting pissed off at me and I'm expecting them to call Children's Aid on me, if they haven't already. I don't neglect my child, I just have no way of picking him up myself at the time he gets out of school. Even when I'm done an hour early, it still only gives me 15 minutes to get to his school (across town) which is obviously impossible, especially on the bus from downtown. I don't want the school to think I'm a bad parent and I don't want the Children's Aid on my case. I already have a file with them from when I was a ward. Nobody is EVER going to take my son away from me because they'd have to kill me first. I will fight for him.
I guess those are the issues I'm having. They seem trivial, but stressful to me. I guess I let things get to me so easily, or too easily, but the main thing is having someone to help me with my kid. I'm really worried about that. I don't want to have to drop out of the course I'm taking because of that. I just feel the pressure is on and I feel like my hands are tied. I can't seem to do anything. Especially now that I'm running out of time. The less time I have to do something, the harder it gets. I don't know why it is, it just gets really hard.
Maybe things are just getting to me. I get easily irritated sometimes. At these types of times, everything, no matter what it is, just gets on my last f*cking nerve. To the point that I would take a chair and smash it over someone's head if I could get away with it. Believe me, I can be a b*tch at times, not always, but at times. Especially at certain times of the month. I wish I didn't have to go through that, but there will come a time that I don't have to deal with that. I'll have a whole new set of problems then. At least another 20 years.
I just can't wait until it is over. I really need to start working. I needed a job a year ago. I haven't been working in too long and I'm always broke. I hate being broke because of the stress. I'm thinking about changing my phone number because I get calls from collectors daily. It adds to my stress. Not knowing where you're going to get money to pay bills gets to me. I hate worrying about things like this. I just want to live a comfortable life. Comfort for me is being able to afford to do laundry, or pay my phone bill at the end of the month. I think I'm going to get cut off soon. I have that feeling. I don't have to pay for electricity or water, or gas. I don't have to pay for internet or for cable. I don't have cable. It's too expensive. I'd rather pay for food and at least know that I'm not going to go hungry rather than watch some stupid tv shows. Besides, without cable, you can still get a few stations. I don't need tv. I couldn't do without books though. I need to have a book to read. Especially before going to sleep.
I wish I could have a nap now, but I can't. If I had a nap now, it would be harder for me to wake up later, or I wouldn't be able to get to bed until late and I have to get up at 5:30 every morning to get ready, and get my kid ready. I'm always the first one there at the school, well from my class anyway, but I'd rather be early than late. It has just been a long day. It makes it all that much longer because my son gets tired after school so he has to have a nap. He gets very cranky when he's tired. He never had the terrible twos and he was still pretty good when he was 3, but he's 4 now, going to be 5 in January. It is pretty late for terrible twos. He gets to crying and screaming. Believe me, I have a lot more patience now than I had before. His crying as a baby used to just drive me crazy. Partly because it made me feel like I was always doing something wrong. Babies cry. That is what they do. When the crying doesn't stop, it is enough to make you want to bang your own head against the wall. Some parents just lose it. It only takes an instant of insanity to completely ruin a life, or even end it. I feel really bad when it happens. It happens way more often than it should. It should never happen. Some people just can't cope. I just tell myself (when things get that bad) that he will go to bed at some point which means I have time to myself to relax.
I've been dealing with it a lot better. I know I can't yell at him, so I try to calm myself down before I talk to him about these things. Taking the time to calm down helps because when I am calm, I can think. I think: How can I talk to him without him getting upset? How can I talk to him in a way he understands? How can I talk to him in a way that helps him calm down? That makes it easier. A lot easier. It does get easier, the older kids get, the more they learn and understand.
It's easy to get frustrated. Just in general. It is easy to feel alone. It's easy to feel like there isn't any hope. But the truth is that for pretty much any problem there is a solution, nobody is ever alone, and there is always hope.
In school today, (we haven't covered much) we went over positive attitude and professionalism. A positive attitude only really boils down to a state of mind. Positivity is as contagious as negativity. Which is also a state of mind. All I have to do is expect a positive outcome to have a positive attitude. It's really just that simple.
Anyway, I'm off of here until later.
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