Reckless Rebel

I haven't been up to too much this week. Still no work. I'm going to have to harrass them to get an shifts other than the weekend shifts I have. They told me they had some for me and then they never called me back. I'm getting sick of working for them because I can't keep going on like this. I mean I have only two shifts. Once they find someone who wants to work there (which they won't) they'll cut my hours back.

I really wish I could be self employed. I'm sick of working for people who don't give me enough work to live off the money I make from it. It's getting frustrating when everyone wants money that I do not have. Bills still pile up and sit here waiting to be paid, the bill collectors have stopped calling me, but that doesn't mean that I don't owe them money.

I want to make stuff to sell. If I had a credit card, I could sell it on ebay. I was talking to a friend about wanting to sell stuff on ebay and he suggested that I sell my panties. I had to laugh at that because nobody would want my panties and the whole idea of selling my panties is weird. Funny, but weird. I don't think there is much of a market for that sort of thing anyway.

All I know is that it would be nice to have some money coming in so that I can actually do something and get my bills paid. There's this thing that keep popping up on my computer demanding money. I want it to go away, but it doesn't. It gives you options like: I didn't install this, or someone else installed it, but when you go to those options it just says: Too bad, pay us anyway. It pisses me off. I'm going to have to pay them to make them go away. There's another thing like that too.

Yeah, I wish I could make a bunch of things quickly to sell at some craft fair or whatever. The only thing I can really do is knit or crochet and to make something someone would want to buy takes so much time. That is why I never did it for profit, but I still want to one day, if it didn't take so long to make something nice.

Been working on my manuscripts and getting them ready to print. Hopefully can send them off to a couple of publishers like Whitmoore's or Oberon. Oberon is in Ottawa and since I'm from Ottawa it might give me a tiny edge. Who knows? I don't think anyone reads my poems and I always get that feeling that they tell me that my poems are good to spare my feelings. They know that my poetry is important to me, well writing in general is important to me, I just find writing poetry easier than writing a novel. I always wanted to write a book, but I never could write anything good. I stuck to poetry because it doesn't have that much work to it and it just flows once you start writing.

If I do ever get a contract for my poems, I'd like them to consider printing some of my pictures with the poems. I'd really get a kick out of that. Something to dream about, but everyone wakes up from those dreams and walks into their washroom, looks themselves in the mirror and asks themselves: What is the point?

So now I ask myself: What is the point?

I want to believe that after years (7) of writing these poems
and keeping them all this time,
that maybe.... just maybe...
I might have a chance to do something I've always wanted to do,
to do something I've wanted to do for such a long time,
to do something so badly that it is often all I can think about.