I can't say that I'm morbidly depressed because that was one of the things I needed to "change"... I can't say that I'm happy either. Well, I'm just not satisfied. With myself in particular. There are so many things that I wish I could do and be good at.
My job... You all know how I feel about that. Just something for now and I don't plan on doing it the rest of my life. Somehow I feel like everything that I'm going through I will still be going through five years from now. I know I shouldn't look at it that way, but it just seems like everything in my life is stagnant. I have ideas that I want to put into play. It would feel good to be able to pull things off and know that I had to work hard to get it done.
I have realized that I haven't really done anything in my life that was worth getting anything from, not that I'm only motivated by rewards. Actually, the only reward I ever wanted was to feel good about myself.
I really want to go back to school, but I know I could never afford to. Some people get all the chances to succeed that they need and I've only had one shot at anything. I could never make that one shot count for much of anything.
I guess one reason that I'm down is because of stupid Valentine's Day. I think about dating, but I force myself to think that I'm not ready yet. I tell myself and try to convince myself that I'm not ready yet. Maybe I am ready, just nobody is ready to be with me. That was his excuse. He told me he wasn't ready.... Maybe he wasn't, but I still don't understand why he would start something he knew he didn't have the balls to finish.
He said that I was beautiful. He lied. I had waited all my life for a man to tell me I was beautiful and actually mean it. I know that no man will ever mean that. I know that I'm not pretty. I might be able to say that I'm half decent looking or semi attractive, but I really feel stained inside and I know why. I've allowed myself to believe all the negative things I tell myself and all the things I think about myself. I really do want to feel good about myself, but I can't think of a good enough reason. I have wasted my life so far, I haven't invested as much time and effort into my appearance because I always thought that looks weren't important. If guys can't tell that I'm a girl then there has to be some reason (other than the short hair and my job). There has to be some reason that girls who are less attractive than I am get dates and many more dates than I get.
Geez, I need a pity date. I mean a real date would be a miracle, but I can settle for what I get, even though I should never settle. That's what I did and that's what I regret.
There's a guy I like, but he doesn't seem to notice that I like him. He probably has a girlfriend. That would be my luck... Am I ever going to find my Mr. Right? or is that just some stupid dream that will never come true?
I really want to change. I wish it was that easy, like that it would happen overnight. Nothing has ever happened for me overnight. This changing business is harder than I thought it was, and I still want to work on it, but if nothing changes, then I just want to give up. I need something new and exciting in my life to motivate me to change, otherwise, I'll be stuck like this forever and that is not what I want.
4 comments:
You know....this is a tough time for me and I feel very much like you do....except I add an age factor in my equation. "Who wants me now? I'm nearly 30" kinda thing.
It doesn't help that I'm not ready to jump into any relationships either. I just got out of two long-term ones in a row.
I understand your position and I'm in there with you. THe thing is, I have become so much of a cynic that can't even tell you that "its gonna be okay".
BUT......Other people don't define us....we do.
Very truthful and enlightening. I can tell you one thing: Age is just a number.
I say that because I was 16 when I dated a 30 year old and I stayed with him for 5 years.
I'm going through that "Who wants me now?" thing too and I'm not ready for a relationship either. I tell myself that one day I will meet the right guy and it just never happens. I guess it will happen when I least expect it, like they say so that could be any time now because I really don't expect it. The only reason I haven't given up is because I still WANT it to happen.
There are no 'love potions' or magic spells. I wish there were, but there are not.
No...you're right....there aren't.
Ah well...Valentines musta put me in a mood or sumethun'!
Depends on what kind of 'mood' it put you in. It put me in the "I've lost faith in myself" mood. I almost took a job offer, well I can't really officially call it a JOB offer but it was one of those things that should have really insulted me but I actually considered it. I know I wouldn't though, no money is worth it especially when it's something that would make me feel cheap.
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