Options

It seems that there are options even when you feel so overwhelmed that I feel that there aren't any. I have to go to a place on Tuesday. A place that I didn't want to have to go back to. They are going to help me get my medication though. Something that I didn't think I needed anymore, but I do need it. More and more as the days go by. I know that I'm like my father in that regard. I still think about what he did. The mistake he made. About how badly I wanted to do the same thing and how often I'd think of a way after I failed the time before. Then I just stopped trying. I realized I had a reason not to. I was 16 when the thoughts just stopped coming. It was because I thought I was in love. Love... What a stupid word...

I know I need those pills. My sanity slips away each day. Work is getting me down. I thought it was going to be the one thing to save me because we all know what rotten luck I have with dating. Someone is supposed to be waiting for me. He said he'd wait for me and I'm supposed to be getting things ready for the day that he gets into town. I have been thinking about this, wanting it to work, still skeptical about it. I can't make sense of much these days. All I know is what I want, just can't seem to get it.

Anyway, at this place I'm going to... I can take security training and hopefully get a job as a security guard. They pay pretty decently and the hours are regulated. After 2 years studying policing, my education might not go to waste after all and I might even get to pay my loans back. Anything is better than waiting to go back to work. I used to like working there, but I never know when the next time will be that I get to go in. It just gets harder when my hours keep going down.

There are a few places I am going to go to on tuesday and a few calls I'm going to make to try to get everything sorted out. I'm playing this damn waiting game and while I wait I can only think about how much it sucks. Hopefully I can get something arranged because I can't keep living like this. If the only thing that goes for me is getting my medication, it will be enough to get me through.