Thinking of a New Start

I've been thinking about going out west, to Alberta. I just wish I could start again. I can't go yet, maybe not for a while, but I definately need a clean slate. I messed things up here. I feel backed up against a wall with nowhere to turn. I had a chance and I ruined it, just like I always have. I sabotage myself because I jump to conclusions. When someone leaves something up to the imagination, I fill in the blanks with negative thoughts. That is exactly what I did.

I was always made to believe that I am never going to be good enough for anyone, that I was never going to find anyone to love me, and that I'd never really be happy. I still have dreams, but what good are they now? Sometimes I just wish I could close my eyes and never have to worry about another thing again. That would be too easy. Nothing is ever easy.

When it comes to dating, sometimes you just have to say: fuck it. So that is where I'm going to leave it. I give up. I'd rather meet someone in the real world. I can't hold my breath. I don't have the internet for much longer, probably only until the end of the month. Then all I have is the book to work on and my job.

I took my ex's name off the contract and it's coming off the lease too. He says that he's looking for another place. I hope he does. I need space again. Although I know that it's going to be hard raising a baby on my own, I need to be by myself. As hard as it is going to be to be by myself... I'm going to be so lonely. I'm already lonely. Something I'm going to have to get used to.

I just have to keep telling myself that they're not good enough for me instead of me not being good enough. I just wish I could believe all the little lies I have to keep telling myself. I wish I didn't have to keep lying to myself. I wish that all these lies weren't lies.