I feel better now, knowing that it isn't a mirage like I thought it had been. I feel relieved. It's hard to explain the changes I have been experiencing, but they have been good. I am learning how to let go of the past. It doesn't matter what happened to me. It's over. I think that the reason I kept holding onto the past was because for the lngest time, it was all I had. What I mean is that everything that I have been through made me the person I am today. It is such a big part of who I am and I felt that I wouldn't be the same person without it. Then I realized that I don't want to be the same person. I kept making the same mistakes because I just didn't want to let go of the past. I was so anxious, so full of turmoil and angst. It was painful living with all those secrets and I don't have to do that. I was torturing myself and I don't deserve that. Nobody deserves to torture themselves over things that weren't their fault. I can't change what happened, but I can make changes to move on. I have to move on and I'm starting to.
It's exciting, but it's also scary. When you start a relationship, things are so great. After a year or a couple of years, it fades. The fire will die if you don't keep stoking it. I don't want that to happen. I am afraid that it will happen. I just have to make sure that it doesn't.
Everything takes time and I know that I have to work on this. Nothing is just going to put itself together. The pieces aren't just going to fit themselves together. I don't want to ruin it because it's still new and it is important to me. Something as special and rare as this (for me) is worth working on.
I used to wait for my knight in shining armour to save me. There are no knights in shinig armour. There are no Romeos in this world. Nobody is going to save me. That is something I have to do for myself. Nothing in real life is ever like they portray in romance novels. There is no such thing as 'true love'. I am still skeptical because I have to be, not because I want to be. I want to be able to trust him, to trust anyone, but I still can't trust myself. As they say: Prepare for the worst, but hope for the best. All I have is hope right now. Faith is something that might come with trust and time.
3 comments:
Good plan! Even if there is a Romeo/Knight in Shining Armour out there he can't save you unless you're ready for it. He can try to prop you up but it's always better for a relationship when you can stand on your own.
In the news today:
WTF? What's with these random comments?
People feel the need to advertise their crap everywhere. Maybe if we ignore them, they will go away.
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