Geez, I regret not having gone jogging tonight. I didn't even get everything done that I wanted to do when I got home, but tomorrow is another day. I'll just get most of it done before lunch. I think that tomorrow is going to be a good day.
I have been thinking a lot. I've been meaning to have a 'talk' with him. Everytime I am ready to tell him, he is ready to go to sleep. It's just not working out and I want to find out what else is out there. I want a chance to go out there and do something, anything. I want a chance to party a bit. I gave up so much that I miss it all.
I've been talking a a guy, almost every night. I like him and that is a scary thing because I am already starting to head down that path of attachment that I have recently realized is unhealthy and something that I have to seriously work on. The problem is that because I like him, naturally I want to talk to him, then it would be the same old issues rising to destroy any hope of it ever working out. I just wanted something real for a long time. I don't think real love actually exists. I know I have to believe in something. I want to believe that true love exists and that all is right with the world, but I am an agnostic looking for hard-to-find evidence. I have to see it to believe it.
I guess it is the fact that I imagine this guy to be 'the one' that I have fallen for him. I don't want to admit it because there is no logical explaination for this attraction. I guess I imagine him to be perfect in every single way. I know I am losing my mind. Maybe lack of sleep and loneliness is creeping in. Maybe mixed with the deepening anxiety and definite desparation. I think that desparation has a lot to do with it these days. It is hard to admit all this stuff and maybe I am crazy for falling for guys who'd never want to actually be with me...
I am not the person I want to be. I am thinking about all the things that I have to change about myself and there are many of these things. I'm not sure where to start and how to start. Maybe it is because I don't believe that I can change even though I know that I have to if anyone is ever going to respect me, I have to respect myself first. If anyone is ever going to love me, I have to love myself first.... I am trying. I guess the first thing I had to do is already starting to happen and that is realizing the things I need to change. I have to then consider my choices, the advice of others, how these things have affected others in the past, my reasons for needing to make the change, etc.
I have thought about acting, just faking it until I make it to that place in my life that everything has turned out to be ok. A place in my life where I can smile and feel happy with myself and what I have done in my life. I don't feel like I have accomplished very much and I definately feel the need to achieve a goal. I want to do something meaningful. I need some more meaning in my life.
I am tired, but I can't stay up much longer. I really wanted to get a lot off my chest about all these weird emotional influxes. I guess one thing is that I find it hard to separate emotion from logic. I need to think in terms of reality and not fantasy. I need to think of practical, possible things instead of continuing to dream about things and people who could never happen to be part of my life. I am tired. I need to sleep. I need to figure things out, too, but I can't think clearly right now. All I want is what is in my dreams. We all have these stupid little dreams and I really don't know why. I think that many people torture themselves when they are not able to make their dreams come true. Whether or not they do so intentionally is for them to know. I think that most of my suffering is because I believe so much in this dream, I feel like I am nothing if this dream doesn't come true... I feel like no matter how hard I try, it is never hard enough or good enough. I feel like whenever I think it is within reach, it is so far away that I can't even see it anymore.
Some people tell me things like have hope, have faith, have a possitive attitude and all of that stuff... Do they know how hard it is to wait for so long? Do they know how hard it is to try to be patient and considerate when you want to remain focussed and possitive at the same time? I know that if I just stop wanting it so bad that maybe it will just fall into my lap. I'm going to have to stop wanting it, I have to stop trying to get it. I just have to pretend that I don't even care when it is one of the most important things (to me). I need to feel wanted, loved, respected, all of that. I need something that will last the rest of my life....
I was told that I want everything to be perfect. The cold hard fact of life is that nothing is ever perfect. Nobody is perfect. I am not perfect. I am just pushing myself for something that will probably never happen. I keep pushing myself to my limits and trying to reach out and hold onto any little strand that I can grasp. I think I may be grasping at straw. The sand in the hour glass is already starting to slip away, but can I turn it around when the time is up and start again? What will become of me? Will I be able to pull myself together to become that person who is deserving of the attention I have been craving for so long? Will I lose myself in the pit of my own fears of never becoming anything or anyone? No matter how badly I want it to happen, I just can't rush it. It is a delicate process that I cannot interfere with or expediate. Nature has to take its course. There are forces of destiny with which my soul must contend with and be strong enough to move freely within. Fate may be fake, but destiny is all together different.
Time and nature must work together as I must work with myself
This will be a difficult transformation
This will be so painful
No pain, no gain.
I have to learn how to restrict my emotional freedom
Otherwise it could easily overcome me
I have to work with what I've got
and what I've got certainly isn't much to offer at this point in my life.
How can I expect anyone to:
want to be with me?
to listen to me?
to respect and love me?
How can I expect all of these things from another person if I cannot first give these to myself and be content with what I have to offer myself. If I know what I have to offer myself, then I will know what I have to offer someone else. Maybe I should just go one night... Maybe I should just learn to be by myself and how to really, actually, honestly love myself as a person with a heart and soul. Maybe the answers will all come to me the second I close my eyes and think about it.
Good night. Sweet dreams. Yes, sweet dreams! Do guys say this because they actually care what kind of dreams I have? Do they say this to make me think that they actually like me and that I have a chance? Or am I grasping at straws again? Why am I so hung up on these guys. I really don't stand a chance with any of them. Especially with J>A. I am still waiting for that flame to light up my life. Doesn't the fire come from within? Let's find out. I will start thinking about this more tomorrow. For now, I must at least get some rest. It has been a very long day.
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