Still Trying (to figure it out)

I've felt a little better, but it is a roller coaster ride because everytime you feel on top of the world you must come down. You can't sit on that perch forever. There is always going to be some reason to get upset of frustrated. I'm not upset or frustrated with anyone other than myself. I only have myself to blame for not trying hard enough or trying too hard. I thought I was saying and doing all the right things, but it isn't working. I don't know what is going wrong.

A friend of mine told me that it gets easier to make the changes that I have to make because it takes time. I kept thinking that it is because it takes so much time that it is hard to do. I can take as much time as I need to because I have the rest of my life to get things done. Life is a learning process and there are processes within the process itself. I don't know if that makes any sense. I don't know if anything makes much sense.

Yeah, I have had a problem. I am talking to a guy who I really like. The problem is the fact that I like him. The feelings I get for people scares me because I am scared of getting hurt. He says we are all scared of getting hurt. I asked him if he was scared too. He says it scares the crap out of him. I guess the feelings I am starting to have will scare him too. That is the problem. Either I don't try hard enough, or I try too hard.

I said that I can't expect a guy to feel that way about me. He asked me why wouldn't anyone? The real question is; why hasn't anyone? What am I doing wrong? What am I not doing? I figured that if I thought long and hard about it, that I could come up with some explanation. I keep trying to tell myself not to worry about it because in all honesty I am not ready for it. I know that we all need afffection and validation, but do I really need affection to feel validated? Do I need someone to love me in order to feel normal? The answer should be no, I don't. My heart tells me that I do need these things because it just aches so much. It will ache until it breaks (again and again). The guys I fall for never fall for me. That is the way it has always been. He made me promise not to fall for him, not to get carried away. I shouldn't have made a promise that I knew I could not keep.