Late Nights

I have been having trouble sleeping. I don't know if it is because I have a lot on my mind or if it is something more than that. Anyway, the link is for a site where you can search song lyrics. Someone told me that I sould look up a song. I looked up Fixxxer. I liked it. I like the part where it goes: fall in love with life again. That is what I have to learn to do.

I went to bed really early last night. I slept until midnight and I couldn't go back to sleep. I got on the computer to try to log onto msn. It wasn't working. I couldn't even use internet explorer. So I ended up writing some more of my book. I want to write some more poems but I haven't been inspired lately. I think that I might write some lyrics if I have a beat to work with.

When I was working on my book, I went over some entries. It is basically the same stuff on different days. Stuff like: I need a man to complete me. Stupid stuff like that. I really don't need to be in love to be happy. At least I have to tell myself this and hopefully I will believe it one day. It seems that everytime I meet a guy I like, it turns out to be that whole: I just want to be friends. That is like the polite way of telling someone that either they are not attractive, or that they are not good enough. I'm just a simple girl with complex thoughts. I know there are lots of girls who are prettier than me. I have to accept that. I just hope that one day I can find something beautiful that comes from within.

There are a lot of pretty girls, but are they real? A lot of them are really stuck up. Same goes for attractive guys. Just because someone is attractive doesn't mean they are a good person. It is true that people want to be with attractive people. Anyone who says that looks don't matter, is a liar. If they didn't matter, why would people be pushing themselves over their limits to look better? Why can't they just feel better about themselves without pushing themselves until they are physically sick to have that amazing beach babe body, those tan lines, those specific curves? It doesn't matter. What matters is finding your soul, not your soul mate. How would you know if they are you're soul mate if you don't know the depths of your own soul? I read a book that describes the soul as being the 'deep inner essence of the personality'. What is the 'deep inner essence of your personality'?

It is possible to like someone without ever seeing a picture of that person. There is a guy I have been talking to for months. I have never seen a picture of him. I am more attracted to his charming personality than to him physically. That is the way it should be. I guess he doesn't realize that I haven't seen his picture. I had asked to see it, but I am glad that he forgot to send it. From talking to him, I know that he is a good, caring, understanding person. He is charming and has a very strong and caring personality. I know that he cares because he is polite and offers support when I need it. When I talk to him, it's like a warm hug. Maybe one day I will get to meet him in real life. But until then, I won't ask to see his picture. I will be content to talk to him.

I can connect with some people on a philosphical level and that connection is better than any physical attraction. Physical attractions lead to lust. Philosophical connections lead to much more of a spiritual understanding. When you connect with someone and you can understand that person spiritually, that is the first step in discovering their soul. A personality is much more than meets the eye. It's much more than likes and dislikes, much more than what makes us laugh and what makes us cry, it is our emotional side and all those thoughts that evoke our emotions.

A personality is so much more than just the person. It is what makes that person unique, unlike any other person. The soul is what what we fall in love with, really fall in love with. Of course we could fall in love with their personality, but that isn't real love. The closer I am to finding my soul, the more of it emerges, but not just for anyone to see. They have to be looking at more than what I look like. Most of the time beauty is only skin deep. Look into a person's eyes, they say that they are windows to the soul, maybe the heart is the key to a person's soul and the eyes are merely locked doors. Once you have the key, once you have their heart, you can unlock the mystery of who they really are.... inside.