In Need of Something Real

Well, I figured it out. I thought it was too good to be true and it was. At least I figured it out the easy way and not the hard way like I usually do. When I learn the hard way, I get hurt. I guess I am learning...

Everyone has motives and when something is so tempting, it is usually not the real deal. I was happy that he remembered me, that he thought of me after all these years. I thought that he liked me for me, but he doesn't. His loss. At least I can see through that. I know that when a guy wants to have sex with me, usually that is all he wants.... I am learning....

Getting it out there. Seeing the words on paper or written down, in type, in print... It helps make it real. What is real? I don't know what is real anymore. The days slip by so fast. The turmoil is just stagnant... Like a coffee that is left out on a table and forotten about. Or a wound that doesn't heal. Someone told me that time heals. I suppose it does. I am hoping that love heals as well. I guess love takes time, so in simplicity, he is right.

I cannot sleep. Sleeping evokes dreams. Dreams come from within. I learn things about myself when I translate my dreams. Things that I'd rather not know. I used to escape into my dreams. Sometimes I dream about a place. It has been in my dreams many times. A big house with many rooms. There is a big porch and a balcony above it.

The last dream I had was of a nurse trying to take blood from my veins, only she couldn't get any and the needle broke off under my skin. The whole time I was waiting, I was eating a chocolate bar. All of a sudden I was out in a school yard and a guy who was trying to approach me was getting teased by his friends for having a crush on me as if they were little kids, but they weren't.

The night before last, I had a dream of a big black dog. A solid dog with a strong build. It wasn't my dog. I was invited into a field. There were 4 of us. Two couples. I think we were camping. I often dream of strangers in my dreams. I don't know why. Anyway, this dog came out of nowhere and he was so friendly. Then a young boy came with another black dog so I figured he owned the first one. Then I noticed his back yard was close to the field we were camping in. I took the dog back there. Then there were more dogs. All like the first one, from the same litter. They kept running away. I ran with them through a school. Then there was a crane and people were diving off the crane into a children's wading pool.... There was much more to the dream than that. But I guess I should see what I dream about tonight.