I've Got a Lot On My Mind Today

I do have a lot on my mind today. I can't help thinking about what happened. I have been blaming myself, but they were the ones that did it. I blame myself for being there and not leaving when I had the chance to leave. I blame myself for being too generous. I blame myself for showing signs of weakness. I blame myself for not stopping when I should have. I am still trying to recover from the damage that I did to myself. Every time I say to myself that I will never do it again, I find myself in another position just like the one before, often worse...

I have been thinking about somebody. Someone I shouldn't think about the way I think about him. I can't help it. I always put too much hope into things that could never happen. I imagine something so wonderful, so perfect... I imagine something I have needed for so long, I imagine what I have been waiting for. I guess I let my imagination get the best of me. Sometimes it helps to think about these things. It helps me believe that things could get better. Often times it just leads me to believe in something that will never happen and I put to much emphasis on it, it becomes a part of my dreams after long and one day you realize that it was just putting your heart in the wrong place, making your heart vulnerable to be broken so easily. I have to stop doing it. I really need to back off, but I can't. I know it sounds so creepy and desparate. I keep telling myself that I have a chance with guys I would never have a chance with. I have always wanted what I could never have. I have to get him out of my mind. I have to stop torturing myself. He could never be my lover or my boyfriend. He doesn't want me the way that I want him. I fall in love so easily because I hope that they will fall in love with me, but they don't. It hurts and I have to stop hurting myself by believing that it could happen because it won't.

Someone told me that confidence in a woman is a sexy thing. They said that you have to act like they couldn't have you even if they wanted you because that is the sort of thing that drives a man crazy. I try to have confidence, but it is so hard when you have been trying so hard to accomplish so many things that haven't even happened yet. I want to be that beautiful, confident, accomplished woman... I want to have dates, I want to go out. I want to have fun. I want to be sought instead of being the seeker. I want them to think of me the way I thought of them... I want to be the opposite of what and who I am. Can these dramatic changes even be possible? Can I look in the mirror one day and say: "I am who I want to be" and actually mean and feel it?

How can I make these changes? I have tried to start. I have wanted to start for so long, but I don't know where or how to start. I keep telling myself that today is the day. Every day has been the day I wanted to change my life for the better. I just keep slipping away, I keep falling behind, I keep discovering so much more that needs to be changed and I don't know how to prioritize these changes. I don't know what to start with. I want to be radiant. I want others to see this amazing person I know that I could be if I had a reason not to be desparate, not to be so doubtful, or unhappy. Happiness is 90% attitude, and the other 10% is stuff you can't control. I haven't taken my medication for 3 days. Maybe I should start taking it again. It was helping a bit, but the feeling of fulfilment kept eluding me and I'd have to start all over again the next day. It's been so crazy. I just don't feel the same anymore. Ever since that night... It is going to take a while to bounce back. I guess the good thing about wanting to change is that it takes as long as you need to take. You can always start over again. You can learn to forgive yourself while asking others to forgive you.

Sometimes I wonder how far I must go down that road. I don't see the light anymore. Maybe I should just open my eyes. Sometimes when you think you are so far away, everything you were looking for is right in front of you. Sometimes when you think you have it all figured out, you realize that you have a long way left to go. I need to go. I need some rest.