Tarnished Golden Opportunities

Sometimes I am presented with oppotunities that I don't recognize until it is too late. It always seems to be too late. It is like a perpetual state of lost chances. I can't really explain it other than that. Story of my life. Looking for something meaningful, but never finding it.... Never finding love or work or happiness. What is happiness? Is it a state of mind? Is it a feeling? A thought? What the hell is it? What is love??? Perhaps I shall never know. I guess there are worse things in life than never being in love.

For the past five years I have been forcing myself to believe a lie. I have been living this lie. I can't help it because it is the only thing I have and will ever have. Someone once asked me why I don't wish for something better. I never really thought about it. I guess I feel that I don't deserve it.

It just makes me wonder what is wrong with me. I want to pull it all apart and scruntinize the contents closely. Where is that flaw? It's like having a tire with a slow leak that just can't be pin pointed. I feel like that slow leak because I give and give and give and there is nothing, sometimes there isn't any hope that things will get better, but they will. They always do. They have to get better and everyone tells me that they will.

Why do I tarnish every golden opportunity? Better yet, how do I recognize something good and actually manage to hold onto it?

Please teach me the error of my ways so that I can change.

Please teach me how to look at myself in the mirror and not hate who I see.

Please teach me how to be a better person.

I want to be a better person. I want to be happy. I want to appreciate and be appreciated. Isn't that what everyone wants? I tell myself this to feel normal.

How can we learn to teach each other?

How can we help each other?

Why don't we just try?