I Can't Open Up

I try to be open and honest about how I feel, but how can I be open with my feelings when I don't know if they are real or not? Even if they are real, are they going to be mutual? That is why I couldn't tell the truth. I did not lie, I just couldn't say the words. Something so simple that I have shared, might be shared with others so I might not be as special as I thought I had been, that I had felt for the last couple of weeks. This is all that I think about... I change my attitude and my poise because I have this vision in my head of how things could be when I don't know for certain how they could be or if they could ever be as perfect as I have it in my mind and in my heart. That is why I couldn't tell. I can't tell unless I am certain that it would work out. The last thing I need is my heart broken. That is why I am reluctant to share how I feel.

The wish of sweet dreams came a little late and I had gotten my hopes up because I was smitten. Falling in love is such a dangerous thing because there is so much at risk that takes a long time to regain. I want everything to be perfect and people have told me that before. I know nothing can be perfect, but how can you tell your heart no? How can you tell yourself to slow down or stop when all you see is a green light? Why do signals get crossed? Why do we have to feel so confused about something that could be the most wonderful thing that could last for a lifetime? I want it to last. In fact, I want something more. That is why I couldn't tell. I am always stuck between the past and the future. I know what I want but I am too scared to go after it. I don't want to lose that special bond that I tell myself that I have found. I keep believing the lies I tell myself because they are the only things I can hold onto. If I lie that I tell myself makes me this happy, what is wrong with that? If the lie makes me smile, why is it so bad and wrong? Is it because I believe in it so strongly that I want it to be real so badly that it hurts? I know it is taking it too far, but I really do need something to believe in... Maybe one day, all our dreams will come true and this need will just seem so long ago.