So Long That I Am

Well, I went outside today and it's cold and snowed. 
It actually has to be warm enough to snow.

If it's too cold, it won't snow.

Something like that.

It was icy, everywhere.

That's one thing about winter...
Besides that it's cold. 

Ice, dirty slush, too much salt...

When I was a janitor at the college, 
we had to mop a bunch of times, 
because we had to mop it the first time
just to get the dirt and salt, 
then change the water, 
then mop again, 
because the salt leaves streaks. 
It's a sh*t show with the salt. 

Because it dissolves in the water, 
so you gotta keep changing it.

Have to change it anyway, 
but probably up to 4 times more
because of the salt. 

And it f*cks up the mops. 

Have to wash the mops extra well
because of the salt...

I DON'T MISS THAT.

Around this time of year, they do stripping and waxing
at the college. 

Like every year, they get the old wax stripped
and new wax put on.

The floors. They do the floors around this time of year.

When most of the students are away for the holidays. 
They used to have a Christmas breakfast thing for us, 
the employees.

They'd have it in the cafeteria, made us pancakes ect.

Now they order pizza DURING THE BREAK.

Like "get back to work after this."

INSTEAD OF AFTER OUR SHIFT
SO WE HAD ENOUGH TIME TO RELAX FFS.

THE COMPANY THAT WAS THERE, 
WHEN I HAD STARTED THERE...
They were bought by another company. 

CLEANING COMPANIES
they seem to treat their employees like they are
A MEANS TO AN END.

INSTEAD OF PEOPLE.

FEELS NICE TO BE NOTICED AND APPRECIATED AT WORK.
NOT JUST AROUND THE HOLIDAYS. 

Just bugs me knowing all kinds of bonuses going around. 
And possible secret deals. 

Who knows? Housing Minister and Finance Minister
both resigned. What's that saying?

I haven't watched anything political for a while. 
But there's always something. 

If we could get an election, that'd be cool. 
Pretty sure a lot of Canadians are waiting on it.

But do we really have any say? 
Just as residents of Canada?

We don't get to vote on what the government does.
What money's allocated to what...

They just come up with "ideas" that will end up
COSTING CANADA, AS A COUNTRY, 
EVEN MORE. 

And what happens when companies DO decide to leave Canada
BECAUSE CANADA'S TAXES ARE TOO HIGH?

When I go to the store, I get a few things, just a few things...
Like $30 to $40 for what used to be around $20.

AND WHAT WOULD HAPPEN
IF THEY RAISE THE TAXES, AGAIN, 
PLUS A TARRIF BECAUSE THEY'D RATHER
ACTUALLY INVEST IN A F*CKING CRICKET FARM
THAN SECURE OUR BORDERS.

I WISH I WAS MAKING THAT SH*T UP.
7M TO A CRICKET FARM.

THAT COULD HAVE GONE WHERE?

AND THAT 40M THAT MYSTERIOUSLY DISAPPEARED.

47M RIGHT THERE.

What about the other millions of dollars being spent
ON THINGS OUR COUNTRY DOESN'T NEED?

And 4M to decrease the size of hailstones.
Maybe those hailstones are not our biggest issue?

So 50+M for all that, just that.

Then wants to take guns away from Canadians
and give them to Ukrainians. 

How about giving them to our military
since our military is in need for updated everything. 

And Trump said that Canada hasn't committed to the bar min
necessary for GDP and says they won't back us.

Which is fair. Do they have to?
It'd be nice to have close allies, 
however Canada did contribute a lot during the war.

We didn't run from it or back down. 
That's what a lot of people should remember.

But yeah, we were supposed to be at a benchmark. 
Not just say, "by 2032, "
BECAUSE CONFLICT DOESN'T WAIT
UNTIL IT'S CONVENIENT WITH ANYONE.

And a lot of people are moving out of Canada.
Because it costs a lot to live here.

Food, rent, gas, everything else...

And heating. Winter, yuck. 
I turn mine off, for a while
and forget it's off
and wonder why it's so damn cold.

Then when I have it on, 
it gets too hot and I want it off again lol. 

I don't have a dishwasher or my own 
washer and dryer, 
so I don't use that much electricity. 
Those probably take up a lot of energy.
I mean electricity, but you know what I meant.

Just a dishwasher... 
I lived in a few places that had them. 

Probably at the grouphomes and foster homes.
My Grandparents had one.

My folks had one at one place we lived at.

Other than those, no dishwasher.

I had a job where I had to load the dishwasher.
With all the coffee cups that were around the office.

And I had to run it while doing other things, 
then come back, unload it, put stuff away...

I'm telling ya, being a cleaner is a thankless job. 
THEY LIKE HAVING THE WORK DONE
BUT SEEM TO FORGET WHO DOES IT.

That's like being taken for granted, in anything. 

But people who have dishwashers take that for granted. 
THEY FORGET WHAT IT'S LIKE
WASHING EVERYTHING BY HAND.

And before we got the washers and dryers....
The ones we have today, 
they had those press wringers or whatever they're called. 

I watched a video about Amish folks, 
and the video was about how they do laundry. 

One thing that I noted is that someone said that
each season have particular scents 
because they hang their clothes out to dry. 
That hadn't occured to me. 
The scents of the seasons. 
Just natural scents. 

Some "fragrances" are way too much for me.
Ever on a bus where someone is wearing too much?
Of something extremely potent?

Some people just spray it like a mist and stand in it.
BUT GUESS WHAT ELSE THEY ARE DOING?
INHALING IT.

I guess that either doesn't occur to them, 
or they're programmed to think they "need" it.
Or they don't care what they inhale, lol. 

But yeah, I guess some smell nice, 
but some are wayyyyyy too much. 

And a little bit will do ya, bud. Okay?
Don't have to go through a whole bottle each day.
LET THE LADIES BREATHE.
A BREATH OF...
FRESH AIR.

Something just came to mind...
Back in the 7th grade, there was a guy in my class
who liked being a jerk to me.

HE COULD HAVE JUST CHOSEN
NOT TO BE A JERK TO ME.

Anyway, I got a can of what is called "fart spray."
Back then, we had lockers.
I knew which locker was his.
I sprayed it into the vent of his locker, 
but I didn't want it to stink up the hallway
and I wanted the stink to stay trapped in his locker
so that when he opened it...
BAM!

So to achieve that, I sealed up the vent
with papertowel and made it look like
nobody could tell. 

Then when he opened it, he cried. 
He had just gotten a new jacket. 
I didn't know until he was crying about it. 

I did a couple of things to that guy.

The other one, I used a payphone to call
a pizza place and ordered 3 pizzas
and gave the pizza place the dude's address lol. 

I wanted to see the look on his face, I guess.
Because the next day, I was like:
"What did you have for dinner last night? Pizza?"

Anyway, his house was behind my grandparent's house.
He could literally look out his back windows
and see my Grandparent's house.

I avoided the back windows because of it.
Because I didn't want to look at his house.

Even though there was a fence there.
There were times I lived close to kids I went to school with. 

Anyway, his street had the pillars at the top of the street.
Also, it had a nice slope that I liked for rollerblading. 
Because it was enough to give you some speed, 
but not steep enough to give you too much speed.

Hard to stop on those, I'd have to grab something.

Those "walking poles" would be perfect for that.

Anyway, I fall just walking ffs...

Ever see those shoes with the wheels built in?
Rollerskating will always remind me of those
fisherprice roller skates that you'd strap onto your shoes, 
that extended a few sizes. 

I wear my shoes out a lot of the time.
I wear the backs of my shoes.

I once wore a hole in a croc lol. 

From walking so much lol. 

When the weather's decent, I like going out. 
Walk from some place to another.

It's nice. When it's not winter.
Summer nights. I miss summer nights. 

Anyway, summer'll be around again. 

What will life look like next year?

Will I have some things going?
Will I have something significant set up?
Will I get to where I want to be?

Or at least closer to where I want to be?
I'll settle for closer to it.


I don't know what it is, but I know that I do hold myself back. 
By a lot. Maybe I'm scared to fail at something. 
So I try enough to get to just a bit higher, 
if I can even get just there...

What frustrates me is feeling like all I'm doing
is going backwards. 

If I feel like I am wasting my time, 
I kind of feel disgruntled about it.

Or if someone else is tryna waste my time.
Time's all I f*cking have, y'know?

None to waste on bs. 
I already wasted a lot of time on bs.

Even on my own bs. 

Fuuuuuuuuuuuq I'm 40 now?!
wtf happened? To my life?
The last 10 years?

THAT'S WHAT HAPPENS.
YOU WASTE TIME ON BS
during your 20s and 30s
AND THEN YOU'RE 40.

AND IF YOU'RE 40, STILL WASTING YOUR TIME
ON BS, 
YOU'RE PROBABLY WASTING
OTHER PEOPLE'S TIME. Y'KNOW?


Not everything's a waste of time.
If you enjoy something, like knitting etc
That's not a waste of time.

If it's not hurting anyone, it's not hurting anyone.

But I mean we have a finite amount of time.
We're all aware we're going to die once say, 
but we seem to take for granted
the things we can do while we are here to do them. 

To understand things.

I saw a couple having an argument or something
in the parking lot.

She was saying to him: "I already said I'm sorry! Enough!"
SHE WOULDN'T LISTEN TO THE GUY.
WANTED HIM TO STOP TALKING TO HER.
ABOUT IT.

"I ALREADY SAID SORRY. THAT'S ENOUGH."

He said "I didn't ask for an apology! I'm asking you to understand."
AND HOW CAN YOU UNDERSTAND
IF ALL YOU'RE GOING TO DO
IS DISMISS SOMETHING WITH AN APOLOGY
HE DIDN'T EVEN ASK FOR?

and "I said I'm sorry!" Like the magic word
to end all conflict and whatever...

BACK TO THAT...
THING I WAS SAYING...

About when the guy on death row
was talking to the reporter guy
about the people he had killed...

And the guy was saying that he has their birthdays
on his calendar....

THE MOMENT HE REALIZED... THAT SECOND...
THAT VERY SECOND...

sorry isn't enough? Enough is to UNDERSTAND,
THEN BE SORRY.
ALL TF YOU WANT, BUT CHANGES WHAT?
ANYTHING?

TF CAN YOU BE SORRY FOR
IF YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW
WHAT YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO BE SORRY FOR?

For thinking you had a right to do something
YOU HAD NO RIGHT TO DO?

Sorry for that? Or is there more?
If that...

But the dude just wanted to explain to her
why he was upset in the first place
and she was shutting him down
from even talking to her. 

I f*cking hate that sh*t. 
When people try that sh*t on me.

"I already said I'm sorrrrrryyyy!!!!"
I want to hear what they're sorry for
WHEN THEY ARE SAYING IT.
NOT JUST "I'M SORRY, STOP TALKING ABOUT IT NOW."
Like just because you say you're "sorry"
you're saying it just to end a conversation
because you don't want to acknowledge
what you're supposedly sorry for?

THAT SH*T IS SO F*CKING IMMATURE.

Be adult enough to be able to talk about it FFS.
LIKE ALL THE BS.
BE ADULT TO TALK ABOUT THE BS.

If you're being about it, 
be adult enough to talk about it.
Not lie about it, not bs about it.

JUST ADMIT IT. 
ADMITTING SOMETHING
LETS PEOPLE KNOW YOU GET IT.

NOT JUST 'I ALREADY SAID SORRY. STOP."
THAT'S HOW SHE WAS BEING TO THAT GUY.

A lot of people are like that.
Thinking all they have to do is say sorry.

WHAT ARE YOU SAYING SORRY FOR?
BECAUSE IF YOU DON'T KNOW
AND DIDN'T TAKE THE TIME TO UNDERSTAND, 
YOU'RE SAYING IT JUST TO F*CKING SAY IT.

HOW ARE YOU SUPPOSED TO BE SORRY
IF YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU'RE SORRY FOR?

And what p*sses me off... 
IS PEOPLE WHO SAY IT JUST TO SAY IT.
TO SAY "I ALREADY SAID IT. STOP."

Because, to me... That's not a real apology. 

And usually, when I bring something up, 
I'M MAKING A POINT ABOUT IT.
OR TRYING TO.

BUT DOES ANYONE
JUST LET ME MAKE THE POINT?

WOULD THEY TRY TO ANTAGONIZE ME
AND TRY TO GOAD ME INTO FIGHTING

IF THEY GOT THE POINT?

Maybe the point was that if there was a point in doing that
I'D BE DOING THAT TO THEM. 

And I made it a point not to.
That was the point. 
I MADE IT A POINT NOT TO.

Because why would I?
If there's no point in doing it, WHY WOULD I DO IT?

LIKE TRYING TO CONTROL ME WITH THREATS
ONLY WORKS IF I GIVE MY CONTROL
OF MYSELF TO YOU.

WHICH IS MY CHOICE.

So is there a point in doing it
IF IT'S MY CHOICE? LOL.

Why am I not trying to control with threats?
BECAUSE I'M BUSY CONTROLING MYSELF. 
SO I DON'T 'RESORT' TO THAT CRAP. 

Because why? I'd be in jail. 
Or wherever else. 

But I don't need to resort to anything. 
Let alone to that.

Would it be okay if I did that? No?
Well, then.

THAT'S WHAT THEY HAVEN'T SEEN.
WHAT MOST PEOPLE HAVEN'T SEEN.
BECAUSE I RARELY GO THERE.
BECAUSE I DON'T LIKE IT.

But it seems to be asking TOO MUCH
FOR OTHER PEOPLE TO CONTROL THEMSELVES.

WHY SHOULD THAT BE TOO MUCH TO ASK FOR?

Is it too much to ask me to control myself?
Should that be asking for too much of me?

So how is it asking for too much of them?

Back to capacity. To control themselves?
To understand why they could. 

My mom called to invite me to the christmas party
at the family gathering thing. 

I WASN'T INVITED LAST YEAR.
WHY AM I INVITED THIS YEAR?

GOING THERE FOR EVERYONE TO JUDGE ME?
TO THEMSELVES?

I DON'T FEEL COMFORTABLE AROUND THEM ALL.
BECAUSE I'M NOT A PART OF THEIR LIVES.

THEY NEVER MADE ME A PART OF THEIR LIVES
AND BEING AROUND THEM
REMINDS ME OF THAT.

In vivid detail...

It reminds me that I'm an outsider.
And they have their inner circle. 

That I'm not a part of.
That I never was a part of. 

It feels pretty sh*tty.

But I'm not here to belong everywhere.
Some things I don't want to be a part of.

A lot of things, actually. 

People who've rejected me, in the past...
I'm glad they did. Because I probably wouldn't have.

Probably wouldn't have rejected them, 
but to do me like THAT, well...

THAT'S PUSHING ME TO DO IT.
THAT'S GIVING ME 1K REASONS.

ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS
IS TO SEE MY SON. THAT'S IT.

AND TO QUELL ALL THE EMOTIONS
THAT I DON'T WANT TO DEAL WITH.

without alcohol.

Why go somewhere I don't feel welcomed or valued?
Or wanted at all? Like I'm some whatever tf?

And feel those looks I get?
Yeah they feel how they look. 

That's the energy from some people.
Everything they are thinking
is all over their face.

When I'm deep in thought, 
it's all over my face.

I don't even know what my face is doing
when I'm thinking about stuff
because I'm too busy thinking about it.

But pretty sure people don't know
what their face is doing when they look at me, 
but their face says everything. 

And I don't like being around that.

AT THE FUNERAL WHEN I SAT IN THE SAME PEW
AS MY COUSIN AND HIS GF
SHE WAS LIKE "LET'S GO SIT WITH YOUR BROTHER."
THEN PASSING ME SHE WAS LIKE
"EXCUSE US."

They were fine to sit there until I did.
Or they would have just sat with them. 

it's because I sat near them ffs.

IMAGINE BEING THAT INSECURE?
THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO SIT 
IN THE SAME PEW - AT A FUNERAL
AS YOUR BF'S COUSIN?! WTF.

AND STUPID SH*T LIKE THAT HAPPENS TO ME.

WHERE WAS MY INVITE FOR THANKSGIVING?
HOW ABOUT EASTER?
HOW ABOUT LAST YEAR?

AND I GET AN INVITE NOW?

Be thankful I even got invited? Maybe.

It's not a good feeling. 
Like "let's make it extra clear to A***, that she's not one of us."
AS THOUGH IT HASN'T BEEN CLEAR MY WHOLE LIFE.

It used to bother me. A lot more than today.
I used to go to the things and try to "fit in"
and try to pretend I was happy. 

BUT being "in" a "family" you're not a "part" of...
The stepchildren....

It's hard to explain it.

But this year it's kind of like:
You didn't invite me last year, why this year?

Because you feel bad that you didn't?
Let's include her this time.

We'll include her but not let her feel included.
She'll get to come
but we don't have to act like she's there.

No, I'd rather not be there than be looked at
LIKE EVERYONE WOULD HAVE 
THE BEST CHRISTMAS WITHOUT ME THERE.

Anyway, I don't like that feeling. 

It's just another day, right?
A day that'll soon be over.

There seems to be a certain "thing"
about when it's actually over.

BUT THE MALLS ARE STILL
TOO FULL.

Anyway, I guess it was nice to be invited. 
But how it is for me, to be looked at
like why am I there?

THAT TIME AT THE FUNERAL, THOUGH.
AT A F*CKING FUNERAL!

WHY WOULD I WANT TO BE AROUND PEOPLE
WHO NEVER F*CKING TALK TO ME?

AND EVEN WHEN I'M THERE, 
WILL THEY SAY HI? MAYBE.

But any other time?

At some point in my life
I STOPPED WANTING TO BE INCLUDED
BY PEOPLE WHO JUST NEVER INCLUDED ME.

ESPECIALLY FAMILY. 

BECAUSE WHEN THEY KNEW 
I WANTED THAT, JUST THAT, 
AND THEY DID NOT GAF...

LEFT YOU TO YOURSELF, 
WHICH I DON'T MIND, NOW, 
INSTEAD OF EMBRACING YOU...
Y'KNOW. LIKE FAMILY...

THE CLOSEST PEOPLE TO ME
KNOW ZIP ABOUT ME.


It's like if it weren't for writing, 
would I even know myself?

But people got up from eating at the same table. 
To go eat somewhere else.

AS THOUGH I DID SOMETHING.

LIKE YOU CAN'T EVEN LOWER YOURSELF
TO EAT AT THE SAME TABLE AS ME?

That's how I get treated. Do I want to? No.
IT'D BE NICE NOT TO HAVE THAT AT ALL.
BUT ON CHRISTMAS, Y'KNOW?

so why would I want to go?
Enjoy, amongst yourselves.

I will enjoy in my own company.
At least I eat at the same table as myself.

TO MOVE FROM THE TABLE, THOUGH
TO EAT SOMEWHERE ELSE.

FINE TO SIT THERE UNTIL I SAT DOWN, EH?
IMAGINE BEING TREATED LIKE THAT?

Barely acknowledge I'm there, but then if I sit down
AT THE SAME TABLE OR IN THE SAME PEW
YOU NEED TO MOVE?

IMAGINE IF I DID THAT TO THEM?

SHOULD I DO THAT? DO JUST WHAT THEY DID?
AND SEE HOW THEY'D REACT?

OH? BUT DIDN'T YOU DO THAT?

Instead what? I don't bring it up...
Until I do, to make a point about it.


THOSE PEOPLE WHO DID THAT, 
I DON'T WANT TO BE AROUND THEM. 

That guy who freaked out on my friend after the concert
who could have got us in an accident.
I don't want to be around him. 

Mirror smasher. 
I don't want to be around him. 

Dude who followed me into that building...
And lied about having an appointment
because as soon as I left, he did.

Wouldn't he have stayed for his appointment?

Dude followed me TO the place.
Waited in the place while I was in there.

People like that, I don't want to be around. 

"I said I'm sorry. Stop."
People telling me to stop talking to them
when had they something to say
WOULD WHAT? WANT ME TO LISTEN?

I don't want to be around double standard people.

And if you can't lower yourself to sit at the same table as me.
Don't bother with me ever again, in life.

If I become rich and suddenly "important" to you, 
FORGET ABOUT IT.

I WAS EASY TO FORGET ABOUT FOR YEARS.
WASN'T I?

until you wanted money from me?
my loyalty and support that you had
BEFORE YOU PUSHED ME AWAY.

Like I was there the whole time, 
but only notice when I'm not?

And never talk about why?

HOW WOULD IT HAVE LOOKED ON ME?
IF I WENT TO EAT SOMEWHERE ELSE
WHEN THEY SAT TO EAT WITH ME?

OR IF I WENT TO SIT SOMEWHERE ELSE
WHEN THEY SAT NEXT TO ME?

OR LOOKING DISAPPOINTED THAT I'M THERE.
OR NOT GOING IN CASE I WILL BE THERE LOL. 

SHOULD I BE LIKE THAT WITH THEM?
HOW WOULD THAT LOOK IF I WAS?

Anyway, this is why it's nice when I'm invited, I guess. 
OR PEOPLE JUST FEEL BAD FOR LEAVING ME OUT.
I DUNNO.

BUT IT GETS TO A POINT THAT I AM HAPPY THEY DO.

BUT YEAH, I'M ON THE OUTSIDE FOR A REASON
BUT I AM LIKING IT BETTER
THAN HOW THEY TRY TO MAKE ME FEEL LIKE THAT
OR ELSE WHY WOULD THEY?

Absolutely would feel some type of way
if I did that to them. 

The thing they don't like is that
they know I know they are judging me.

AND THEY KNOW THAT I KNOW
THEY DON'T WANT TO BE JUDGED.
AT ALL LET ALONE FOR JUDGING ME.

Forms some weird boundary thing. 

Seems to keep people away. It's weird.

Like wtf could I have done that you won't sit next to me
at a funeral ffs?

Or sit at the same table as me?

Or say anything to me?

But this is what happens when people make their assumptions. 
OR THEY WOULDN'T HAVE A REASON.

JUST LIKE I WOULDN'T HAVE A REASON.
TO DO IT TO THEM.

UNLESS WHAT? I ASSUMED SOMETHING?

SO I FEEL IT, I DON'T LIKE IT.
AND THEY PROBABLY FEEL THAT FROM ME.

BUT PRETEND TO BE NICE ANYWAY, 
BECAUSE THEY ONLY "HAVE TO SEE ME"
IF I GO TO ONE OF THESE THINGS.

IF THEY WANTED TO SEE ME, THEY WOULD,
THEY WOULDN'T HAVE A PROBLEM
SITTING WITH ME, AT THE TABLE. 
OR SITTING WITH ME AT A FUNERAL. 

WHO DOES THAT AT A FUNERAL?

Who expects that to even happen to them at a funeral?
Of all places, though?

Why are you too good to sit with me?
Too good to listen or have consideration for me?
Or have a conversation with me?

People have a lot to say about me
WHO NEVER EVEN KNEW ME.

Not everyone has to like me, and I'm okay with that.
BUT THEY KNOW THAT I KNOW THAT THEY KNOW
THAT I KNOW
THEY DON'T LIKE ME.

I think that makes them the most uncomfortable.

Knowing that they know that I know.
They never had to tell me. 
They tell on themselves. 

When they can't sit at the same table,
Or in the same pew. 

Because they can't lower themselves
to do it. 

Not even for that brief moment.

And knowing that I know this, 
BECAUSE I CAN FEEL IT, 
bothers them. 

Because I literally haven't done anything to
any of them. 

It's like they can't secretly hate me
IF IT'S NOT A SECRET LOL

I don't hate on people, I don't. 
But if they wanna hate on me for whatever reason, 
they can go right on ahead.

BUT THEY WERE FINE TO SIT THERE
UNTIL I SAT DOWN.

That's the kind of stuff I can do without. 
I don't have to be in anyone's life.

That's what I got for trying. 
I wanted it until I don't anymore.

It's okay not to want what you used to want.
Or what others think you should want.
What you thought you should want.

To feel included and wanted is nice,
but when you're included 
but not accepted...

why be included?
To say you were invited?

TO MOVE IF I SIT WITH YOU?
TO NOT LOOK AT ME OR TALK TO ME?

WOULDN'T THAT P*SS SOME PEOPLE OFF?
To be treated like that and treat others better than that.

The difference bothers me. 

if there's a huge difference
between how they'd treat me
vs someone they don't know.

Anyway, I ranted about it. 
Got it off my chest. 

Can't force people to accept you.
Not even after years and years.

Or treat you as though you are accepted. 

Because if I was, it'd be nothing
to sit and eat with me. 

TO SIT IN THE SAME PEW AS ME
AT A FUNERAL.

To even talk to me.

It's that I see why they do it
which just kinda makes them 
want to do it more.
And they know I see that, too.

They don't like it. 
Otherwise, what's the issue?

Opinions? Assumptions?

Just because someone has an opinion
doesn't mean they know.

Just because people assumed
doesn't make it true.

I thought... xyz... 
Apparently a lot of people think a lot of things. 

Just because it's thought, doesn't make it true.

When you have had these things happen, 
SOMETHING at whatever thing it is
but not wanting to go to whatever thing it is
because something like that happens.

And part of me is waiting for something to happen
at the knitting group with that lady.

Because she has already said some things.
And that started early. 

And if I have to tell her that if she wouldn't say it
or do it to another member of the group
to not say it or do it to me,

I'll have to tell her that.

Tf do I care if I don't "belong"
in a knitting group ffs?

But how dare I speak about it?

But she asked me if I wanted a reminder
about the meeting
only to tell me that was her last reminder?
WTF even is that?

WHY ASK ME IF I WANTED TO BE REMINDED?
JUST TO DO THAT?

Things like that, just small things.
But small things, add up. 
Intentional stuff. 

THAT'S USUALLY HOW IT GOES.
That's why I rarely put myself out there.

And stopped wanting to be included.
Because even if I was included, 
I WASN'T REALLY INCLUDED.

AND WHO WANTS TO FEEL LIKE THAT?
JUST A REMINDER OF HOW IT ALWAYS FEELS?

So yeah, I need a new tradition for myself. 
Just something special to look forward to.

For myself. 

Kind of like Tiger Malts and Tings are things.
To look forward to.

And watermelon slices.

Like how I had backgammon after school.
With a neighbor and we kept score.
We played every day after school. 

In the rooming house I lived in. 

But just something.