Scraping The Concrete

All I can hear outside are the plows.
I think it might actually be spelled plough. 

Might have to look it up later...

It snowed last night. 
It'll be a white Christmas this year.
The sun'll melt some of it though.
Also, there's ice underneath it.

The snow we had, melted quite a bit, 
and the slush froze.

I have to go out today. I don't want to.
Not in this crap lol. 

The sooner I get it over with, the better.

The guy, he's going to try to talk me into something.
Either to record his videos or to meet with him tomorrow.

I already told him, more than once, 
that if he records his own videos, I'll add them to the site.

BECAUSE I CAN'T BEND OVER BACKWARD
FOR EVERYONE JUST BECAUSE THEY WANT ME TO.

I HAVE MY OWN GOALS.
I ONLY HAVE MYSELF TO WORK ON MY GOALS.

I'D REALLY APPRECIATE IT IF HE UNDERSTOOD THAT
AND STOPPED BEING SO SELFISH.

Because I already told him that.

Not the part about him being selfish, but he is.

I have to be selfish with my time
OR SOME PEOPLE WILL TRY TO TAKE IT ALL.

THEY ONLY CAN IF I LET THEM.
I ALREADY TOLD HIM TO HIRE SOMEONE ELSE
TO DO THAT PART FOR HIM.

AND HE'S STILL GOING TO TALK ABOUT IT
TODAY. AND TRY TO CONVINCE ME ANYWAY.

AND THAT STUFF P*SSES ME OFF.
BECAUSE I ALREADY SAID NO.

JUST BECAUSE YOU KEEP ASKING
DOES NOT MEAN I WILL SAY YES.
I AM NOT OBLIGATED TO JUST DO IT FOR HIM
JUST BECAUSE HE WANTS ME TO.

THAT GOES FOR EVERYONE WHO WANTS ANYTHING FROM ME.
I AM NOT OBLIGATED TO JUST GIVE IN.
JUST BECAUSE THEY WANT ME TO.

So that's part of why I don't want to go.
The other part is I already said no to his advances, too.

Anyway, I'll have to keep putting my foot down.
AND I DON'T EVEN LIKE HAVING TO DO IT.

BUT IF I KEEP SAYING YES TO EVERYTHING
PEOPLE WILL TRY TO TAKE ADVANTAGE OF ME.

THAT HAS HAPPENED TOO MANY TIMES.
AND I LET THAT HAPPEN.

I DON'T HAVE TO LET THAT HAPPEN.

So I'll go over there because I said I would, 
but he'll be disappointed
WHEN HE ASKS YET AGAIN.

On about 3/4 times I went there, 
he brought something up.

Or he'd email something.
Like that time he asked me to put my hair down.
No. Just no.

If you don't say that to Father (Catholic priest guy) L.
Don't say it to me.

IF IT'S INAPPROPRIATE WITH FATHER L.
IT'S INAPPROPRIATE WITH ME.

That's pretty much how I'll have to put it.
To try to get him to understand.

Pretty sure he does get it, somewhat.
But he keeps doing it. I don't like it.

He keeps doing it because he's thinking of himself.

Does he think that the more he keeps doing it
that eventually I'll want to?

If that's what he thinks, he's wrong.

Besides that, I only have enough time to do so much.
PEOPLE EXPECT ME TO AND WANT ME TO
JUST BEND OVER BACKWARD.

LIKE I'M JUST HERE FOR WHAT THEY WANT.

Like "guy, I'm building you a website.
I'm not a recording expert with a studio."

I also told him he needs a microphone.
So people can actually hear him in the videos.

Because he'll record them and tell me
he can't hear himself in the video
and he'll want me to try to fix that.

PEOPLE SEEM TO EXPECT MIRACLES.
I can't perform miracles.

I can find some sort of solution, but I'm not a miracle worker.
A solution in terms of some things, 
not everything.

If I could do that, I'd have fixed some things
in my own life
and people would automagically understand.

I wouldn't be upset that they refuse to understand.
Or be dreading going anywhere or doing things
or being around certain people
who seem to have a deep dislike to me
OR WHATEVER THAT ACTUALLY IS...
I'll say dislike because it's at least that.

People I never did anything to.
Or have had much to do with.
If anything.

Maybe they need to find any reason
to dislike people.

Whether it's their own opinions, assumptions, 
or whatever else.

Just saying that if I could perform miracles, 
in my own life, I'd transform people.

I'd take the tw@t right out of them.
So they can't even remember how to be one.
And they couldn't be one if they tried.

AND THEY WOULD STOP ASKING ME THINGS.
I ALREADY SAID NO TO.

AND THEY COULD TELL THAT I AM NOT INTERESTED
IN ANYTHING 'INTIMATE' OR 'ROMANTIC'
SO THEY WOULDN'T EVEN TRY TO
APPROACH ME THAT WAY.

That's not the way to approach me.

Not unless I'm in a relationship with them.
Then it's okay.

BUT IT'S NOT OKAY TO APPROACH ME LIKE THAT
IN HOPES OF STARTING A RELATIONSHIP WITH ME.

The only 'relationships' I'm interested in are business-related.
That's it.

Well that, and people I am friends with.
As a friendship type of relationship.
Not FWB.

THE THING WITH FWB IS THAT IF IT STARTS THAT WAY,
CHANCES ARE THAT'S ALL IT'LL EVER BE.

If people look at you like a play toy, 
CHANCES ARE THAT'S ALL THEY'LL SEE YOU AS.


Here's an example:

There was a dude who lived in the same building as me.
I went to go talk to him about something business-related.

I wanted to know if he'd help me out selling something.

He answered the door naked and he knew I was coming over.
It was like a ploy to get me to get naked or something.

I didn't even want to acknowledge he was naked.
So I talked to him as if he weren't.

And then I was kinda like "I should go now."
Because he said something sexual that was out there.
Something like I like when girls watch me...

I didn't even get to ask him
what I went over there to ask him. 

WRONG WAY TO APPROACH ME.


The thing is we only said hi in passing. 
We never hung out. 

Might have been different had we known each other, 
but we didn't.
AND CLEARLY IT WAS THE ONLY THING 
ON HIS MIND.

Maybe if he had taken me on a date.
Or even gotten to know me, 

but even then, it's as though, in the past,
THOSE THINGS WERE ONLY TO TRY TO GET THAT.

AND IF THEY DID, IT WAS ALL THERE WAS TO IT.

Kind of that lyric in "Doll Parts"
"When they get what they want, they'll never want it again."

Look, I learned the hard way on that and on other things.
THAT'S PARTLY WHY IT DOESN'T EVEN DO
MUCH OF ANYTHING FOR ME ANYMORE.

Why would I want to be used for gratification purposes?

Anyway, that definitely was the wrong way to approach it.
At least with me.

Maybe some girls would have appreciated the "effort"
to answer the door naked, just for them...

BUT THE GUY AND I
WERE NOT IN A RELATIONSHIP.

Imagine seeing a neighbor you only said hi to in passing
STANDING AT THE DOOR NAKED?

It was very awkweird.

I should know awkweird, because that's what I am. 
But I wouldn't take it that far.

I'm willing to give him the benefit of the doubt
and say that maybe he got the wrong impression. 

It's not like I could text him about what I wanted to ask him about.
SILENT PARTNER STUFF.

I was to be a middle-person. 
Between him and someone else.

BUT I DIDN'T GET TO THAT PART.

So maybe he thought I was there for some other
kind of proposition or something. 
WHICH I WASN'T.


Anyway, that's an example of that.

I'm going to go over to talk to site guy.
But he'll try to make me feel bad
that he has nobody else to help with that, 
only the two of us for his project.

I TOLD HIM 4 TIMES TO HIRE SOMEONE
FROM HIS CHURCH.

IT JUST SEEMS THAT IT DOESN"T MATTER
HOW MANY TIMES I TELL SOMEONE SOMETHING
THEY'LL JUST NOT DO IT.

AND THEY'LL TRY TO PUT IT ON ME TO DO.
Because they don't want to do it.

They'll even try to use guilt and tactics
TO TRY TO GET ME TO DO IT ANYWAY. 
AFTER I ALREADY SAID NO.

No just means no. Accept it. As no.
Not as "If I keep asking her she'll say yes."

If they get mad at hearing no, too bad.
DOESN'T MEAN YOU HAVE TO SAY YES.
JUST BECAUSE THEY'D BE MAD.

ANGER IS OFTEN USED AS A CONTROL TACTIC.

I'd rather people be mad at me for saying no.
THAN HAVE THEM EXPECT EVERYTHING FROM ME.


I say a video of a chick flipping out at a dude
because she asked him if he wanted her #
AND HE SAID NO.

HE HAS A RIGHT NOT TO WANT YOUR # FFS.

ESPECIALLY IF YOU'RE GONNA ACT LIKE THAT
BECAUSE HE TOLD YOU NO.
LIKE GTFO OF HERE WITH THAT BS Y'KNOW?

That's what p*sses me off when any guy tries crying to me
ABOUT BEING UNHAPPY IN A DEMANDING RELATIONSHP.
YOU DON'T HAVE TO LET ANYONE
DEMAND ANYTHING FROM YOU.

YOU ARE NOT OBLIGED TO MEET THEIR EVERY WHIM.
NO MATTER HOW THEY FEEL ABOUT IT.

Maybe if they realized that, they'd appreciate
WHAT YOU CHOOSE TO DO FOR THEM.
INSTEAD OF TAKING IT ALL FOR GRANTED?

He told me that she makes it like WWIII to get what she wants.
THAT IS WHEN YOU PUT YOUR FOOT DOWN.
IF THEY DON'T RESPECT YOU WHEN YOU SAY NO, 
THEY DON'T DESERVE F*CK ALL FROM YOU, 
PERIOD.

They use all their manipulation tactics to try to get you
WORN DOWN ENOUGH TO GIVE IN
TO "SHUT THEM UP."

It's as though the earlier that starts, 
THE WORSE IT GETS WHEN THEY'RE ADULTS.

PEOPLE HAVE TO KNOW
THAT THEY CAN'T GET THEIR WAY
JUST BECAUSE THEY WANT IT.

AND THAT YOU ARE NOT OBLIGATED
TO GIVE IN TO WHAT THEY WANT.

AND WHEN YOU MAKE THAT VERY CLEAR, 
ALL THAT BS STOPS BECAUSE WHY?
BECAUSE IT STOPS "WORKING."

THEY ONLY DO IT BECAUSE IT'S WORKED.
ALL THEIR LIVES.
WITH EVERYONE WHO WHAT?
DOESN'T PUT THEIR FOOT DOWN
AND TEACHES THEM THE MEANING OF: 

"NO TF YOU CAN'T GET WHAT YOU WANT
JUST BECAUSE YOU WANT IT, 
WHO TF YOU THINK YOU ARE?"

And they think they are somehow above you
TO TRY TO USE YOU OR THEY WOULDN'T. 

TO TRY TO MANIPULATE YOU OR THEY WHAT?
THEY WOULDN'T!

I have to get ready to go soon.
Like I say: The sooner it's done, it's done.

Alright, I better just do this.