February Approaching Part 2

It came to me. What I wanted to write about. 

There was a tarot reading I watched yesterday and he was saying
that we have to let people fall on their faces 
because if you bend over backward for them, 
they will keep expecting you to bend over backward for them.

He was putting it this way:

He said that it's like a parent/child dynamic. 
The parent is the responsible one
and the child expects the parent to keep doing what the parent does. 

Like a mom who keeps asking her kid to take out the garbage
and the kid doesn't do it.
Then the mom gets tired of asking
so she just does it herself.

And the kid knows that she will because she always does. 
Even though she asks the kid to JUST DO
THAT ONE SIMPLE thing for HER.

FOR ONCE. 

Maybe even WITHOUT HER HAVING TO ASK.
LET ALONE KEEP ASKING FOR.


And that analogy applies to that dynamic between other people. 
Not just parent and child. 

Like between partners sometimes.
Which is why I have been really bothered in several relationships. 
Like between so-called friends. 
Not just family. 

He was saying that if you keep that dynamic going
it's just like saying:
"It's OKAY to just let it slide
because it's easier when someone else does it for me."

Even though the person who does it
maybe doesn't want to have to keep doing it. 

No matter what the actual thing is 
and it doesn't have to be taking the garbage out.
It's an analogy that can apply to other things, too. 


That is what I wanted to write about.
Because it's something to think about. 

It's about enabling. Enabling the other person
to just keep getting away with not doing their part. 


That is what frustrates me about other people
who expect so damn much from me, 
yet when I ask for ANYTHING....

I PRETTY MUCH GET "F*CK YOU, A***!"

I even got "f*ck you, A***!" from my own son. 

And I'm at the point where I'm just done with so much garbage. 
That people refuse to take out. 
And they expect me to keep doing it for them. 
Like doing their dishes and laundry or whatever... 


There are some friends who have been good friends
so I do some little things for them when I can. 

But... At the same time. I would rather do it only
for people who aren't going to just expect me to
LIKE I OWE IT TO THEM, 
BECAUSE I DON'T.


So now, there's a time for myself. 
Because I have some goals and I want to make PROGRESS THIS YEAR.
AND I DON'T HAVE THE TIME TO JUST....
BE THERE TO TAKE OTHER PEOPLE'S GARBAGE OUT
WHEN THEY CAN JUST DO IT THEMSELVES. 


Then he said something else. About making things too comfortable for people. 

He put it this way:
If you make a bed too comfortable, 
they aren't going to want to get out of it. 

When you do a lot, even TOO MUCH for people, 
they will keep wanting you to do it. 
And expecting it and even being upset that you don't want to anymore. 

I mean if someone is expecting it and taking your generosity for granted...
There has to come a point where you are just going to go your own way. 
And that can be done respectfully...



There's a HUGE potential possibility to collaborate with someone soon. 
Someone from across the ocean. In another country.
Another culture... 

And it could be something big. 

Something to talk about. 
But not yet. 

Not really ready to talk about a lot of personal type stuff... 
I mean, I have shared a lot about myself. 
But not about this. It's just something to work on. 


Around May, I'll have at least something to set up. 
It's something that needs to be protected.  For sure. 

That is what I hope for.

I know that telling people I have something going on
might hurt people, as it did in the past
when I wanted to go my own way to do my own thing.
And old friends who wanted to just hang out and get high all the time...
Didn't get that what I wanted to do is important to me... 


They took it like I didn't want to hang out with THEM.
When it's really about not really wanting to hang out
and wanting to work towards something. 
All these ideas I have... For myself. 
And they take it hard.


So another reader put it that putting it in another way, 
where I'd be available sometimes... 
Just not all the time. 

And those who do care about what I want, too. 
Will understand that I am trying to build a foundation. 
To create stability. 


BUT I have some ideas that I want to implement.
And to implement them, I have to BE ABOUT IT.
Or my ideas are just going to be ideas. 

It's also that there are certain people who will have their opinions. 
I tried talking to someone about one idea
and it was around recovery...

AND THE GUY I WAS TALKING TO
HAD SUCH A TOXIC MINDSET ABOUT ADDICTS.

The way I look at it, some people are literally
ONE OPPORTUNITY AWAY
FROM COMPLETELY CHANGING THEIR LIVES. 


I know this because when I was 14, I was around addicts. 
They let me try it. 

BUT... I told someone who basically told me to go get all my things
and he took me to his place and told me that I could stay with him
while I got clean and so I did and I did. 

And I don't know where the guy is today. 
BUT DOING THAT ONE THING FOR ME,
GIVING ME THAT ONE OPPORTUNITY
put me on a completely different path. 

So I know from experience that that's pretty much all it takes.
It wasn't a rehab. It was just away from the drugs. 
Which is what I needed, at that time. 


Anyway, it was an opportunity that I took
because I was on the verge of going down the wrong path. 
And I don't know where I might have ended up or could have. 
But I don't think it would have been good. 

I had to separate myself from people. 
Most people in my life. 
Because now I have different interests and have some goals. 
Those who will understand and support me...
Will understand and support me. 

Had some people I used to hang out with telling me not to bother with it. 
And trying to talk  me out of it
just to keep me hanging around. 


Also, it bugs me to feel like people who supposedly "know" me
really have never known me because of the assumptions they made.

I got out of all the crap that was keeping me stuck. 
Because I want the opportunities that I can actually give myself
and the time that I can give myself. 
BECAUSE I KNOW THAT I NEED IT.
BECAUSE I HAVE THINGS TO DO WITH IT. 


I'M NOT A TEENAGER ANYMORE. 
I just turned 40 this year. Crazy to think about, but it's true. 
And I didn't really even celebrate. 

I'm planning on going to the pool hall though. 
Like I should have done. 
Wanted to have lunch with my son at IKEA. 
And he chose not to and cursed me out. 

Then I developed a twitch in my eyebrow...
And I just stayed home after that. 

So I can just have a birthday re-do. 
Which I'm going to do. Because I can. 

Maybe we should just live life like every day is our birthday. 
Within reason of course. 


I should take my medication and go to bed. 
Tomorrow I have stuff to do.