Reckless Rebel

When I was in the hospital, 
Someone asked me if I wanted a 'reading.'
He had a Quaran and he turned to a random page, 
and he read it to me.
He translated it to me:
"Time is on your side.
No matter how much time passes, 
time is on your side..."

Then he asked me if I had a tomato
and I held it up....
How long it would take for my arm to get sore
from holding it up....
And then if I cut it in half, I could hold it for longer...
And sometimes I have to put it down....

And that tomato has seeds in it....
And maybe that tomato could plant itself in the ground. 
And something good may come of it...

Words of wisdom from Delta Six....

My mother keeps trying to call me
and I don't know what to say to her.

I don't owe her any explanations, or answers. 
Or anything.

I don't need to be chastised or patronized
by her or her husband. Or anyone in my family. 

They've treated my son like he doesn't exist.
For years...
No "happy birthday" or "merry christmas."
No "how are you doing?" Nothing.
I know that hurts. I've gone through that
with my father's family....
And they couldn't even spell my name right
in my Grandmother's obituary....

And how my family treated him and how they treated me.....
Just pretty f*cking ignorantly....

And yeah, my son has questioned his worth....
To his own family.... To everyone. Even to me....
Just like I have over the years.... To him....
Like I was only good for whatever they needed from me. 
And expected to just drop everything for them. 
When they would not do the same for me. 
And I can't say that I have anyone in my life
who I'm worth something to.... 

Except one friend...

And I have to take better care of myself
so that I can be worth something to myself. 
Regardless of anyone's inability to see my worth....

But I can almost hear them b*tching
that I'm not there for them anymore. 
Because I'm 'supposed' to be there for everyone....
And they can't see that maybe it'd be nice
if they were there for me, 100%. Even like 50%.
Not like 1.2% Like: "It's her birthday, 
let's do the decent thing and acknowledge her
at the very least...."
But at least I got that...

And I usually don't have an issue about it....
It just would have been nice of them
to be there for me, but they weren't. 

And it's like most relationships in my life
have been one-sided until I didn't want to keep giving
for their benefit, and just get stuck
almost begging for what I needed 
and STILL getting the sh*tty end of the stick.....

ALL the times I was THERE FOR them, for others
and WHO was there for me?!

And the way they treated my Grandmother
is disgusting..... 
Not even WAS, IS!

And they think I don't see it
just because I never called them out on it.... 

How they treated my son is disgusting. 
How they treated me is disgusting. 

And I spent a long time being bitter about it. 

But one of these days they won't have me anymore. 
I'm not answering the phone for them anymore. 

Why? So they can make me feel like sh*t?
For not answering the phone and not calling them back?
Because that's what they want. 
To get info from me just to talk about me. 
It's stupid. They've done it right in front of me!
They talked about my Grandmother's inheritence
before my Grandmother even DIED!

Like they couldn't GAF about what she needed or wanted....
Like they are just waiting for her to die
To get their hands on her money....

AND this is why I have MY life insurance
going to my friend. 
And he wants me to pick a charity or something
where the money can be used to help people.
And not just go to greedy f*cks
who were never there for me.....
Who don't deserve any of my money....

They would not respect any of my wishes.
I know that he would and he is my closest friend. 

I don't have many close friends
who I know I can count on..... 

And it's like I waited all my life
to have someone who I KNOW I CAN COUNT ON....
SOMEONE I CAN TRUST TO DO THE RIGHT THING. 

EVEN IF HE KEPT MY LIFE INSURANCE MONEY
FOR HIMSELF, HE WOULD DESERVE IT, 
BUT HE DOESN'T WANT IT.
HE KNOWS THAT IT COULD GO TO SOMEONE
OR SOMEWHERE WHERE IT COULD DO SOME GOOD.

I wanted to do something for him, 
and he never wants or expects anything from me. 
So I ordered a box of chocolates
and sent them to him.
I had them delivered to him. 

Got a message from him today
saying there was a package there for me.
For whatever reason, it had my name on it, 
but I was sending it to his address....

So he thought I was having something sent there
and he let me know it arrived, 
but I told him it was for him. 

Was a surprise. Something thoughtful
for all the thoughtful things he has done for me...

And he said: "Thanks for thinking of me."
He's thought of me more than most people in my life.
He's been there for me
despite the things that are going on in his life.

He got a major promotion and he's feeling
like it's taking a drink from a firehose....
That's what he described it as....

I don't do well with pressure....
Like how my mother keeps calling me....

And I have to call her and get it over with....

And my son needs space so he's pushing me away, 
but he may never talk to me again....

And my friend pointed out
that the damage is his ego.....
On an ego trip....

And I know what that is like....
Been on my own ego trips, too.

But I have to put my pride aside to forgive people
who WILL NEVER ASK FOR MY FORGIVENESS....

FORGIVE THEM FOR NOT KNOWING ANY BETTER....
FORGIVE THEM FOR THE PAIN THEY CAUSED....
FORGIVE THEM FOR HURTING ME INTENTIONALLY....
FORGIVE THEM FOR THEIR IGNORANCE....

But the difference is that I didn't do anything horrendous. 
Even though I had my own messed up thoughts....

And I wouldn't do anything horrendous.
Or horrable. I don't want to hurt people. 
I thought about it, at times. 
Even when I didn't want those thoughts to cross my mind....
And thoughts about killing myself, 
even though I didn't want those thoughts to cross my mind....

But there were times people called the police on me....
And times the police pushed me into a panic attack
because I let them in and they wouldn't leave....
And I didn't want to cooperate with them....

But realized it is just easier when I do.

And I wasn't trying to ruin my son's reputation
with that report. I just had to say something
in case he was being serious about the things he was saying. 
Because obviously had I said and done nothing
and he was being serious about it, 
well then... I should have said and done something.

And hard to tell if someone is being serious about something....
And they can't really take the chance that they aren't.... Sometimes....

But just because I say I want to kill myself, 
doesn't mean that I will....

It gets overwhelming sometimes....
The anxiety....
And the fear.... Of the future. 
Because a lot of this stuff
was totally unexpected....
And my reaction to it
was unexpected, too.

Do I expect anyone to understand? No.
Most can't understand....

Not fully sure if I make any sense anymore....