Does Anyone?

 I might be increasingly paranoid....
Earlier, I was fine.... 
Been trying to push through my fears
and trying to feel okay....

Been telling people.
Been trying to work this out in my head.
Maybe so that the fear subsides.... 
I don't really know anymore. 

I went out for a walk tonight.
I think there was a car following me.
I saw it a few times....
Each time I saw it do a U-Turn, 
I crossed to the other side of the street....

I went to the gas station, 
told the guy.... He said to call 9-1-1.
I don't have a cell phone. 

Probably time I got one.
I have a phone, no service on it....

I have a home phone....

People just assume everyone has a cell phone these days,
but gotta admit that for emergencies, they are useful, 
until the battery dies and you have to recharge it....
I think that's pretty stupid....
What good is a dead phone?

maybe cell phones should be solar or something....

And what good is it if you can't get a signal?

Something ought to be done about that, too.
I'm staying up tonight. 
I can't sleep.
Been taking sleeping pills to knock myself out....

And what good are the police if they just think I'm crazy?
Obviously, they don't take me seriously.
I don't think anyone does.
Been saying that I need to gtfo of here
and few people are listening. 

Why listen to me? I'm just crazy?
I'm the crazy person who gets admitted to the hospital
with thoughts of suicide....

Have you been so f*cking scared that you'd rather die?
I bet you haven't.....
I bet you haven't ever felt that level of fear....

And then there are some that tell me
not to be afraid and I try not to be.
Because they say that I'll manifest
what I'm scared of....

I changed the lock on my door.
And they think that will be enough to keep me safe.
I felt safe in the hospital
because nobody knew where I was....
Except my friend who I trust....
And my parents apparently....

And no, I'm not telling them f*ck all.
When the f*ck have they ever been there for me?
I asked my step-father to help me
install a lock on the inside of my door.
Has he? Has he even told me that he would do that?
For me because I asked him to?

I still feel like relocating might be my best bet.
Just go somewhere new, 
change my name, start a new life....
And just.... Go. Just GTF away from here.
Far away, where nobody knows where I am.
Except that one friend.

He said he'd help me store some things....

And I really don't need much.
Just some clothes, a few books....
Just not much.... 
To start somewhere else....

But like that guy said....
Prepare, Prepare, Prepare....

Even if I can go somewhere for the rest of the winter....
To hide out while I prepare....
And just go from town to town....

There was a Canadian guy
who somehow made it all the way to Brazil....
Idk how tf he pulled it off, 
all the way through the U.S....
A big country.....

He had no memory of who he was....
But he was united with his family. 
So... Happy ending for him. 

What would I need to survive?
Like absolutely BARE minimum to survive in the woods....
I think a magnifying glass to start camp fires would be good.
Well, on sunny days, it would be good and it'd save on matches....
And if matches get wet, they are pretty useless....

I'd still write, out there, but might be a while
between updates on the blog....

And yes, it is easier to survive in a city
and city living is all I've ever known, 
but being alone isn't really a thing anymore....

And yes, it's safe in the hospital, to a degree.
But they don't get it... They really don't....

And I can't stay there forever....
And I keep getting p*ssed off and leaving....

But they say I'm allowed to go back anytime....
Just it's not a long term solution....
And I'm not getting the help I need there....
They don't f*cking listen there....

The doctors and nurses don't f*cking listen....
Neither do the cops, but they can only do so much...

But they can't keep me safe.
That's up to me.
That's why I need to gtfo of here....

Because people expect me to stay here....
If people can't find me, they can't hurt me....

And yeah, that sounds f*cking paranoid AF.
But it's my job to keep myself safe.
And the people I've told....
They think I'm safe. 
And I want to think that I am, 
but I can't just assume that I am.
And neither can they.... 

Other people thought they were safe, 
but they weren't....

People take their 'safety' for granted. 
And it's like there are very few I can even trust....

It feels like it's getting down to the wire....

Like there's only so many nights I can stay awake....
And just hope and hope and hope....

And the reasons I contemplate ending it
is because there are worse things
that could happen to me....

Even though, I don't know 100% what the future holds. 
All I know is that I p*ssed some people off. 
And they know where I live....

And they have zero reason why they even care anymore.

Because I got scared and said too much. 
And I know too much.... 
And maybe I shouldn't have done that....
But at least it's on record now. 
And my friend knows everything. 

He's helping me out with my life insurance.
He's the one I call when I'm in the hospital.
He's the one I keep updated. 
So at least one person knows. 
And I know he's not 100% comfortable being involved.

It's just that I have to tell someone I trust.
When the chips are down....

Anyway, I just do not feel good about staying here.
I told them at the hospital. 
I told everyone I can think of who might be able to help me, 
but most people won't.
They just tell me to stay here.

I know a guy who travels.
He goes from farm to farm....
If anyone knows what I need to just move from place to place, 
then it is definitely him.

I met him on a bus. He sat with me for 3 days.
He's a really solid guy.
He came by last year and we met up.
Came to visit....

We kept in touch over the last 4 years or so.

I just feel like I need to make a clean break from my life....
Like I can't stay here much longer....
Like staying here isn't such a good idea.

Like I said, people can't hurt me
if they don't know where I am....

Yeah, call me paranoid....
But I gotta just gtfo of here.
I gotta get what I need and just go.

Like a survival kit....

Staying at shelters is sh*tty. 
People'd steal anything they can get off people.
For drugs. I know what it is like. 
To have an addiction, 
but I never really got deep into drugs....
I just know what it's like on the streets....

I was lucky that I was young
and I found a group of people who helped me.
Who watched out for me....

I wonder what happened to them....
I know most of them are dead now. 

They travelled here from B.C a lot of them. 
We used to sleep under a bridge and drink together....

They accepted me because I accepted them....
As they were. I was lucky that way....

They were the ones who told me where to go.
Where to get food.... 

We were safe together.

But these days, very hard to trust. 
Very hard. 
They knew I wasn't there to rip them off.
They knew I meant well. 
So they let me stay with them....

Otherwise, IDK what might have become of me....

So I get lucky and meet some solid people sometimes....
They can feel that I'm not there to mess anyone up
or take anything that doesn't belong to me....
Or do any wrong.

But maybe I'm better suited for somewhere else.
And to leave a lot behind me....

Because nothing is as it was before....
And I destroyed things
as much as others did for me.... 

But I never meant to hurt anyone. 

And I have to think about my own safety.
And take care of myself right now. 

I feel like my sanity is slipping.
Because I don't know what to think
or how to feel....
People think my son will get over this....
He might, he might not. 

I'm not sure that I really want to stick around....
Or if I should. 
My heart hopes things get better, one day.
That he grows, and learns, 
and that things change for the best.

I felt that I couldn't take a chance.
Now I feel like I'm taking a chance....

It's really hard to explain. 
All these mixed feelings of hope, love, fear, 
and it's been doing my head in for a while....

So I don't know what to do anymore....

What's the right thing?
For everyone? That I just disappear?
Travel around? Not stay too long in one place?

Become a f*cking recluse somewhere?

It's not like I'm proud enough to show my face.....

Like the longer I stay here....
It just feels detrimental...
Strange how the word mental is in detrimental....
Is this all in my head?
Or do I have real concerns?
Real reasons to feel the way I do?
Should I listen to what my gut is screaming at me?
No matter what others think and say?

Or do I keep just being hopeful?

Even if being hopeful is 'delusional' at this point?

Can we really survive on hope?
It feels better than living in fear....

Staying up all night....
Afraid to let your guard down just to sleep....

And I f*cking hate feeling like this like 90% of the time.
Sometimes I feel okay, and feel like
there's enough hope to be okay....

But how long does that last?
How long can I make that last?

It's complicated. It really is.
Things are not the way they used to be....

I wish they were. I wish I could go back in time....
And say the magic words.
That people needed and wanted to hear....

Stayed for the long haul.
But there were reasons I'm alone now.

Maybe that's not what I wanted, 
but maybe that's what I needed....

It gets crazy when you don't know
what goes through a person's head....
We only know what they tell us
and if what they tell us isn't f*cking good, 
then it's not f*cking good....

People can change their minds.
And we can hope that they do, for the better....
But that isn't always the case....
And we can't always protect people
from themselves or from others.
Sometimes we can't even protect ourselves.....

Because we get comfortable, too comfortable....
And we trust because we want to....
And we hope and hope and hope....
But is it enough?

That's what I want to know.....
Where to go, what to do from here....

Because there are two options....
GTFO of here.... 
Or GTFO of here.

Know what I'm saying?

And can anyone blame me for feeling that way?
Like my life as I knew it isn't the way I knew it anymore....
And I can't really tell anyone....
Or do anything about it....

Except try to start a new one....
And just hope and hope and hope.

And hope that hope is enough....
To cope.... 

I mean, my life could get better.....
If I get myself together, 
or it could just fall apart even more....
And I really never really saw myself in this spot....

I never thought that my own blood
might turn on me....
And he thinks I turned on him
because I turned him in......

When he hasn't done anything, 
as far as I know....
And I don't know what might happen, 
or what might not....
All I know is what I know....

And yeah, it freaks me out.
And yeah I freaked out. 
And yeah, I still freak out.
And I never saw this coming.

But does anyone?