Honestly....

What do I need? From myself?
Strength and support right now. 
Because what I'm going through is not easy.
Hasn't been easy and isn't going to be easy.....
If others were going through what I'm going through, 
it would be hard for them, too. 
Honestly, it would be. 

And when I want to do some things
that I'm not allowed to do, 
that I feel that I should be allowed to do....
Yeah, it gets frustrating. 
Very frustrating....
But I have to take care of myself, now.
Even though I didn't get to do what I needed to do....
Whether I was allowed to or not....

And all I want to do are good things. 
I already f*cked up enough....

What I couldn't see is how strong I actually am. 
Just because people see my weaknesses
doesn't mean that I'm not strong.

That all my weaknesses make me weak. 
Sometimes they actually make us stronger....

Even when I say what is on my mind, 
I'm not gauranteed a good outcome....
Even when it is the truth. 
Because they can't always see things from my POV.
And I can't always see things from their POV.

But we have to see things about ourselves, too. 
Not just what things look like to others. 
And not how things look like to us....

It's not just empathy, it's insight, too.
With insight we can have more empathy.
And with empathy, we can have more insight.

I'm better at writing about it than I am at speaking about it. 
I rarely ever speak up about things. 
It has to take me quite a lot to say I've had enough.

And a lot of times, I feel a lot of resentment
for having to wait for things
that I feel like I've waited long enough for. 
Or waited too long for. 
And, yes, I need to have some patience
while knowing WHEN enough is enough.
And WHAT is enough.

Because I know that I can wait, 
if I know there's something to wait for. 
I refuse to wait for nothing. 

I mean, I've often hated myself
and that spilled out onto other people
and they thought I didn't love them, when I did, 
but I couldn't show them the way they needed and wanted me to. 
So they believed that I didn't and never loved them....

So I understand it. I get it. 
But it was mostly to do with the fact
that I wasn't supporting myself. 
I was making it too hard to show anyone
that I loved them
and when I really f*cking tried to, 
they didn't believe me. 
So it didn't matter to them that I tried to. 
Because they refused to see that I was trying. 

They only saw what I was doing wrong. 
All my life.... 

There is a perspective I got from a tarot reading....
She said when a dog is chewing up your shoes, 
you tell the dog, "No!"

Then you give the dog an alternative. 
That it will find much better
than chewing your shoes..... 

And we don't see that we do this. 
We don't see that we should.... 

We just get mad at the dog for chewing up the shoes
without giving the dog an alternative
that the dog would like better
than chewing up our shoes or whatever.

And we have to teach them when they are young. 
Because "old dogs don't learn new tricks."
But I think they can. 
It just takes a lot more teaching,
and the dog has to want to learn. 

And we can't blame a dog
for not choosing an alternative
that we didn't give them....
But we can't expect them to choose
an alternative that they didn't give themselves, either.

And yes, that applies to people, too.

We teach them how to treat us. 

If they just know how to feel bad, 
they'll keep doing things
that we "make" them feel bad for doing....

And we often keep doing things
that we "make" ourselves feel bad for doing. 
Because all we know is how to feel bad.

And I did this to people. Who always "made" me feel bad
for not reading their minds
or not doing what they wanted me to do.
Or doing what they didn't want me to do.
I made myself feel bad for it. 
Because they made me feel bad for it. 
Because I didn't know how to give them alternatives
and they didn't know how to give me alternatives. 
And I didn't know how to give myself alternatives....

So we always just made each other feel bad
and it got to the point that we didn't feel very good
around each other anymore.

But the times that we did, we felt pretty good....
Just we didn't have or get enough of that
from each other. 

And that is what broke everything in the end.

Because we couldn't help each other feel good.
Or ourselves to feel good. 
And when I felt good without them, on my own, 
it made them feel like they couldn't make me feel good.

When it was my responsibility. 
Something that I owed to myself. 
That they didn't owe to me....

But, yes, there are LOTS of things that I feel bad about. 
That I can't change. Because those things are in the past. 
Times I made them feel bad for making me feel bad.
Whether I tried to or not.

And the times I did try to were because I wanted them to know
how they were making me feel, but they knew
and they were making me feel bad for making them feel bad. 
Even though there were times they thought that I was
even though I wasn't. 
I was actually just trying to make myself feel better.
In all the wrong ways. 
And I was mad at them for trying to make me feel bad.
When I got the point a long time ago
and they thought that I never did.
Because people have a habit of thinking
that I'm too stupid to actually learn anything....
So they have to "teach me a lesson."
When I'm pretty cabable of learning
through self-refelection....
Even if it takes me a long time
to look at my actions and to look at myself.....
Because nobody wants to feel bad....
But feeling bad is to teach us things. 
It's not always just about punishment. 

Yeah, we are supposed to feel bad
about doing bad things. 

Because we are supposed to feel good
about doing good things.

And this is how we are supposed to learn
not to do bad things
and to do good things, instead.

But there are times we do good things
and still get punished for it.
As if it was a bad thing or it didn't count
because of all the previous things....
That weren't good. 

Like "You never took the time to listen to me....
Or heard a damned word I said
when I tried to tell you how I feel and why.....
So why are you trying now?
Why are you suddenly acting like you gaf?
When you acted like you never gaf?
All those other times?"

Like the boy who cried wolf so many times
that nobody believed him when there was a wolf....
Except nobody believed him all the times there actually was 
something going on
so he stops trying to tell them
when something's going on.....

And that is like when a child is being abused....
And people don't believe him or her....
And the child just doesn't tell anyone 
or stops trying to tell anyone....
Because nobody is f*cking listening to him or her.

And the child grows up without a voice
or without the ability to speak up
when something's going on.... 
And keeps so much sh*t to themselves....

And even when someone believes them, 
but they feel like they can't do anything about it
because they need the proof that they can't seem to get, 
they still think that they allow it to happen
because they don't gaf.....

Like my mother knew her bf was abusing me, 
but it just continued for like 8 years
and she joined in
instead of sticking up or standing up for me. 
Like whenever my brother has a temper tantrum
and treated me like sh*t, he'd go cry about ME
to our mother and make me out to be a bad person
because he didn't like it when I stood up for myself. 

Like I wasn't allowed to say: "No!"
"You will not treat me however tf you want to!"

And instead of telling my mother
HOW HE TREATED ME, 
I'M THE BAD PERSON
AND MY MOTHER WOULDN'T F*CKING LISTEN TO ME.
ONLY TO HIM AND SAW IT HIS WAY
BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT HE WANTED.
TO HAVE HIS WAY
AND HAVE EVERYONE SEE THINGS HIS WAY.
WHEN THE WORLD DOES NOT REVOLVE AROUND HIM
AND HE HAS TO LEARN
THAT HE CANNOT JUST TREAT PEOPLE
HOWEVER TF HE WANTS TO
JUST BECAUSE HE FEELS LIKE IT!!!!

AND THAT IS WHAT PEOPLE HAVE TO LEARN
FROM ME, TOO.
BUT I'M NOT ALLOWED TO BE THE ONE
WHO TEACHES THEM THAT.....

EITHER THEY LEARN, OR THEY DON'T.
WHETHER I TEACH THEM OR SOMEONE ELSE DOES.
AND I CAN ONLY HOPE
THAT SOMEONE ELSE DOES.

BECAUSE APPARENTLY, 
THEY DON'T WANT TO F*CKING LISTEN TO ME!!!!

AND APPARENTLY, 
I CAN'T MAKE THEM LISTEN TO ME.

BUT THEY WONDER WHY
I STOP TRYING TO HAVING MUCH
OF ANYTHING TO DO WITH THEM....

BECAUSE THEY STILL THINK THEY HAVE RIGHTS
THAT THEY DON'T F*CKING HAVE.

AND IT DOESN'T MATTER TO THEM
WHAT I HAVE TO SAY
BECAUSE THEY WON'T F*CKING LISTEN, ANYWAY.

I've been told: "You only hear what you want to hear...."
When all I wanted to hear was
"SORRY, A***."
"SORRY, MOM."
"I'M SORRY FOR THINKING SOMETHING THAT WASN'T TRUE."
"I'M SORRY FOR BEING SELFISH."
"I'M SORRY FOR NOT CONSIDERING YOU, 
OR ANYTHING YOU HAD TO SAY...."

But they aren't sorry. 
Because they don't actually gaf....

So I'll never hear what I want to hear....
So how can they tell me
that I only hear what I want to hear?
When I hear a bunch of sh*t that I don't want to?
That nobody wants to hear?

Sh*t that somehow makes them feel powerful?
That somehow gives them rights
that they don't have?

Just because it makes them feel powerful
doesn't make what they say right, or true, 
or gives them any rights they don't have....
Or makes it any more valid 
than what I have to say.....
All because they don't want to listen to ME.
Or to what I have to say....
Or consider their ignorance.... 
Or consider that they are wrong 
or that they are to blame.....

So they'd rather make ME wrong, 
and make ME ignorant. 
And make me out to be the one to blame. 
Because they are never wrong. 
Never ignorant, 
and never to blame, 
so everyone else must be. 
To protect their own image
so they aren't the bad ones.
It's all about how bad everyone is to THEM
for telling them a TRUTH
THAT THEY DIDN'T WANT TO HEAR
FROM SOMEONE THEY DIDN'T WANT TO HEAR IT FROM.
AND THAT IS MY FAULT, ALWAYS.

SO I HAVE TO COME ON HERE
AND TRY TO EXPLAIN IT
TO THE FEW PEOPLE
WHO ACTUALLY READ THIS
AND ACTUALLY GET WHAT I'VE BEEN TRYING TO SAY....
THIS WHOLE F*CKING TIME.

BECAUSE APPARENTLY, 
IT ONLY MAKES SENSE TO ME
AND TO A FEW PEOPLE WHO ACTUALLY LISTEN.

BUT NOBODY LIKES IT
WHEN I TELL THE TRUTH.

Especially when the truth makes them look bad
or feel bad.
Because how f*cking dare I
make them look and feel bad
when they are making themselves look bad?
And I'm only telling the f*cking truth
that they don't want to hear
let alone hear it FROM ME?

Because somehow that means
that I was telling the truth the whole time
and the things I have to say
are actually valid and important. 
Which means I was actually worth more
than they ever "made" me feel....

And like making themselves feel better
about making themselves look bad
has to involve trying to make me
feel bad and look bad.
FOR WHAT? TELLING THE TRUTH?

But just because I'm telling the truth
doesn't mean that I have to bash anyone with it.....
And doesn't mean they get to do that to me....

There's a way to get points across
that HELP others SEE that I have a point.

And if I could just do that
without "making" anyone feel bad
about making themselves look bad....
Then I'd just f*cking do that.

It's a skill that very few people in this world
actually have.
They don't want to hear
anything that "makes" them feel or look bad.
When it's not up to me
how they feel about the truth being the truth....
Or how they make themselves look....
That is up to them.
Not up to me.

But they'd still rather blame me
because it's easier than taking responsibility
for how they feel AND for how they make themselves look.

Instead of being HONEST with themselves
and making themselves look better
by doing better....
And by actually listening to others
what they have to say....

BUT IT MATTER HOW WE SAY THINGS, TOO.

And the people who need to see this, never will.
I'll get maybe 5 views on this, at most....

But at least it will get through to those people...
And maybe they'll let it get through to other people....

Someone commented on here
that someone bought them dinner
for telling them some things that I wrote on here.

And all that I'm doing is just speaking my mind. 
And telling the truth. 

If it was something they needed to hear, then cool. 
If they got bought dinner
for telling someone something I said, cool. 

I appreciate that it makes sense. 
And that they are telling someone what I said
and that it actually helped them both.