This Whole Time

Had a dream where I got a new hair style.
I shaved the bottom half of my head and kept
the top half long. And dyed the long half.
It felt good to change it up. 

Also, in my dream, I went back to school
for retraining. For a career.
And met someone during that time.

But I'm not going to jump into anything. 
I'm pretty tired of dating. 
Pretty tired of a lot of things. 
Specifically bullsh*t. 

I have a lot to work out, for myself. 
A lot of emotional turmoil.
A lot of wreckage to pull myself from. 
Like trying to recue myself from a burning building.... 
But the building has burnt down
and trapped me.... 
Still burning me....

Healing is a messy thing.....
Clearing my head is hard
when I'm frozen in a time
where things fell apart.....

Not just romantically, but with.... Everything else.
Leaving me with nothing much to live for, 
but maybe future possiblities....
And I might have something to look forward to, 
but what I have to look forward to
is freeing myself from this current pain and trauma.

Thinking about relocating....
Maybe that's for the best....

A new hairstyle, a new career, a new place, 
new lifestyle, and getting away from everyone who hurt me....
Setting myself free from the pain....

All the heartbreak and heartache....
Towards love and commitment....
Transformation.
And this is me feeling a bit optimistic. 
About how my life can change
And I can change.

Moving on. Somewhere where I don't have to be scared. 
Meeting someone I can really talk to. 
About some things without judgement. 

Something that isn't codependant. 
Where I'm not depending too much on them, 
and they aren't depending too much on me....
Because I can't carry someone else, emotionally
and they need to tell me how they feel about me
because I'm not going to be left waitng or guessing.
I need everything to be straightforward.

Just tell me what you think and feel. 
Don't shut me out and expect me to be happy with that. 
Because chances are, I'll be shutting you out
for doing that to me. 
Had that done to me too many times in my life. 

Anyway, I'm talking like I'm almost ready, 
but I'm far from it. Very far from it.
The thought of it is nice, like I said, 
but.... Things don't tend to work out
the way that I want them to. 
So I don't want to do that to myself, again. 
By letting anyone put me through sh*t
that I have to heal from.... 
That I have to pull myself out of.... 

And they did it to me on purpose. 
Whether to test me or whatever their reasons.... 
If you test me too much, you'll lose me.

Because I definitely don't want to be girl number #7
or whatever number. Begging for scraps and crumbs. 
Because they don't know it, but I'm worth more than that. 
More than what they've been giving me. 
Worth opening up to, fully, completely.

And it's like, all my life, that's all I wanted to be able to do.
Spill my whole heart out to someone.
So that they could see exactly who I am....
Who I've been this whole time. 

I'm not happy when I'm not able or allowed to do this. 
Or when I try to do this and just constantly get shut down
or ran over at full speed. Nobody is. Why would they be?
Like break my heart some more, why don'tcha?

And when I really love someone, 
I give them lots of opportunties to show me
that they love me, too. That they care about me, 
that they want me. Like I want them... 
But they don't. No passion, no connection....

Just.... Fall into a routine where it hurts. 
Fall into a pattern of hurting me
and making me feel alone.....
Leaving me out in the cold. To freeze. 
Waiting for them to warm up to me, 
waiting for them to be warm to me....
And where's my warm reception?
Few and too far between. 

Like I'm not worth it to them.....

And I have to be worth something to myself. 
Enough to stop waiting for that. 

When that's literally all I wanted. 
And they make it seem like I wanted the world.

Anyway, I know what I want. 
Something others want, too. 
And what I want, makes sense. 
I want to be treated like a person, again. 
I want to feel human, again. 
I want to feel alive, again. 
I want to feel loved, and wanted. 
That's what I always wanted. 
Everything else is just.... A bonus. 

Not disregarded and taken for granted. 
Like nobody really, truly knows who I am....
Not disrepected, unwanted....
Not just someone to play around with
When times are good, 
or when they feel like starting up again....
Not when they miss me, the old me....

The one capable of being warm and loving.....

Yeah, I've had insecurities. 
If you were treated the way I was treated.....
You'd probably have a lot of insecurities, too. 
You'd probably second guess and keep doubting your worth, too.

And people keep thinking that way
when they've been really f*cking hurt, too.
Like all the things they wanted......
They weren't worth that.....

And I never wanted to make anyone feel that way....
And sometimes I shut down and shut people out
for pushing me away..... Hurting me, scaring me.... 
Traumatising me.....
And it took me too long to realize that it was trauma. 
Trauma compounded.....

Because I knew how I felt about them
despite everything they put me through.....

And at my worst, everything I put them through.....
When I used to drink, when I wasn't getting help, 
when they refused to help me. 
When they didn't want me. 
Because in their eyes, I caused enough damage. 

And it wasn't that I wanted to cause damage, 
but I am lead to believe that they wanted to, 
because they did it. To me.

But at the end of it, they did it for me
so that I could learn to let go. 

And I'm still learning to let go.
Letting go of people I loved, who hurt me....
That's pretty f*cking hard....
It should be easy, but it's not. 
Because the love is still there, with nowhere to go. 
And that is grief....

Grieving people who are still alive
who I feel like I shouldn't have to grieve
is a painful experience. It really is. 

Even if they are not good for us, 
we still want to love them. 
Because our hearts tell us that we need to
and we keep trying to. 
But it gets really f*cking hard to.....
Until they give us no choice, but to move on. 
It's f*cking hard. 

Like all the love we have for someone
that we just want to give them, 
but they push us away
like we don't even exist....
Until they miss us....
Until they remember ONE thing that's good about us. 
Until they have some guilt for the way they treated us....
Until they realize that they needed us all along....

Then they MIGHT try to come back.
And MIGHT try to make things right....
Might WANT to make things right, 
but sometimes they can't. 
Sometimes WE can't, either. 
And sometimes it is because THEY don't let us. 
And sometimes it is because WE don't let them. 
Afraid of that sting of PAIN. 
Like as soon as we start to feel better and do better....
For ourselves, they might see that. 
And they get mad that we hadn't had it in us
to do better FOR THEM. 
When it is their job to do better FOR THEMSELVES.....

And it is THEIR JOB to TRY to make things better, too. 

Not just one person trying and trying and trying. 
Over and over and over again. 
And all their mistakes hanging over them
all the time and shoved in their face.
Like all they are good for is making mistakes.....

TRY TO SEE THE GOOD IN ME.....
THERE'S SOME REDEEMING QUALITIES. 

LIKE NO MATTER WHAT A MESS I'VE BEEN
IN MY GRIEF, IN MY LOWEST POINTS OF MY LIFE....
I'M STILL A PERSON. I'M STILL LEARNING
HOW TO LOVE AND HOW TO BE LOVED....

But it's hard to keep loving when it just
rains down pain.... Until I can't see anything but pain....
And yes, I've been angry at times. 
For the way I was being treated. 
And they couldn't see it
And couldn't admit to treating me like that.....

And couldn't and wouldn't make it up to me.

And couldn't and wouldn't let me try to make it up to them. 

And treated me like I was the one who set myself on fire, 
when they doused me with gasoline and struck the match.....

But I didn't have to take it from them. 
I did anyway. Because somehow I was lead to believe
that if you really love someone, you stay. 
And keep putting up with it. 
Until you can't anymore. 

Is wanting to be able to talk
about how you feel and why....
Such a crime?

Is wanting to be able to talk
about what you need and what you're missing....
Such a crime?

Without feeling bad.....
Just because they feel bad.....
"You're 'making' me feel bad....
Therefore you're unlovable. Unforgivable...."

When maybe the guilt is there for what they are doing
and what they haven't been doing
that they know they should be doing.... 
And what they shouldn't be doing....
And shouldn't have done....
And should have done....
But did and didn't. 

And I fall into it, too. 
Things I left undone. And things I left unsaid. 
And chances denied to me, too. 
And chances I took that I f*cked up.... Too. 

I am not perfect. I f*cked up. Lots. 
More than I actually care to admit. 
But I acknowledge that. At least I can say that I have.....
And I know that I have....
But I also know that I don't have to keep doing it....

But I want to be able to tell people
what I don't like. And how I feel about what they are doing. 
And how I feel about what they are not doing. 

Without them thinking I'm only doing it
to "make them feel bad."
Or to hurt them for hurting me....

Because I am maturing. I have learned a lot. 
From f*cking up. 
And some things I can't set right.
Because they won't let me, and I get it. 
That I ran out of chances.....
And that they can't set things right
when I won't let them, 
because I stopped giving chances..... Too.

But here I am, talking about love
like I know how to do it right....
Like I know how to be a partner.
Or someone significant. 
When all I've ever been to anyone
is someone insignifant. 
Someone to just take for granted, and hurt, 
and someone to put through a bunch of sh*t.....

That I need to pull myself out of, now or never....

Or just f*cking close the door on my entire life
because that's how f*cking painful it's been....

And sometimes the pain just gets too much
and makes me feel like there's no getting through it, 
that there's no chance to set anything right
with anyone, ever again, 
even if I did know how.....

Even if they would listen to me, 
and take me seriously....

And stop looking at me like a joke, 
a colosal failure.... 

And start looking at me as someone who keeps trying.
Someone who is still learning.
Someone who is allowed to fall on her face from time to time. 
Or put her foot in her mouth....

Or "show her @ss," too. 
(An expression I heard from a southern American.....)
And he showed his @ss to me plenty. 

And had someone show me their @ss literally, 
thinking it was funny... Or testing me
to see how I'd react. Idk....

But FFS. I never showed up for that.
Don't know why he dogged me and clowned me for so long. 
Like he wanted me to give up
so that he could just persue other women....

Or to literally see how much he could get away with.... Idk.
I don't know why he did the things he did. 
To try to make me laugh when it wasn't funny?
To disrepect me? Idfk.

I don't know why I did the things I did, either.
Like I was a different person when I used to drink.
And I spent a lot of time wanting to make up for it, 
and some time trying to, when I was allowed to....
But obviously, it just was never enough. 
Because I'm seen as the person who did the things I did.
Even when Idk why I did the things I did.

Idk why I didn't try harder to fix things
when I had the chance to fix things....

Idk why I couldn't just be the person I wanted to be.
Idk why I keep standing in the way....
And looking at every failure as a reason to just end my life...
Even when I want things to get better. And better, and better...

Sometimes we can fix the damage we caused, 
but sometimes we can't. 

Sometimes we are allowed to. 
Sometimes we aren't. 

But only we can lick our own wounds.
Nobody wants to lick our wounds for us.
Or "kiss it better" or whatever.

Because when it is up to us to make it better, 
then it is up to us to make it better.

But when we try, really try, and it just gets shoved in our face.....
Like we aren't trying, like we don't gaf....
Like we never gaf.... That hurts.

Because all I want to do is be able to TALK about it.....
And have the other person LISTEN to me.
And be HEARD on a level that I never felt before. 
Like "I get what you're saying.....
You want to see (this) or (that) from me.....
Because when I do (this) or (that) it hurts, 
or it frustrates you...."

And I have to know them well enough
to know what they are capable of and what they are not. 
Because if they can only see things from their POV
and never from mine, it won't work out.

Because they won't be able to see what they're doing to me. 
And what they are putting me through. 
Often, they know, but they don't gaf.....

So if they are incapable of giving a f*ck.....
Then what am I even doing anymore?
Giving a f*ck for them? Because they can't?
Is that what I'm doing? Because it feels exactly like that....

Why do some people see only when it's too late?
When I completely stop giving a f*ck?
When they miss me when I used to?
Why does it take that? Idk.

Why do they have to twist sh*t and make it seem like I never gaf? 
Like it was ME who stopped giving af.....
When it was actually them who stopped....
And then they blame it on me?
When I gaf the whole time
and I was just a call away or a talk away.
When all I was doing WAS WAITING FOR THEM?!?
TO DECIDE IF THEY GAF OR NOT?!?

And when someone gives af, it shows, usually.
Because they care, and they show that they care. 
And they tell you what they think and how they feel. 
And they let you tell them what you think and how you feel. 

And they don't treat you like you have no f*cking feelings. 
Because they have realized a long time ago
that you actually do. 
Because you are a person, too.

Maybe a f*cked up person.
Maybe a hurting person. 
Maybe a person who is still learning
and learns by making mistakes. 
Sometimes, big mistakes.

Because they weren't thinking things through. 
And maybe needs help to think things through. 
And needs to ask things like:
"Are you still attracted to me?"
"Am I still attractive to you?"
"What do you need from me?"
"What do you want from me?"
Without it seeming like I'm asking:
"Wtf do you want from me?"
Just "what do you need or want from me?"
Like "What can I do for you?"

And just ask and get answers. 
"What do you think of me?"
Without it being some insensitivity
that I didn't and don't f*cking want or need....

Yeah, honesty... Without the brutality.
Without the insesitivity... 
Without the pain.

That's what you can do for me. 
Allow me to talk, open up the lines of communication. 
Without trying to make me feel bad for wanting that from you.
Or needing what I need.
Or telling you....
Would you know if I didn't tell you?
I made the mistake of wishing they'd just read my mind.
Wishing they'd just do something nice for me
without me waiting for that or wanting that, 
or begging for that warmth....

Something sweet, kind, a gesture that they gaf.
About me. About us.

Something that says "I'm not here to hurt you.
And I don't want to hurt you.
I don't want to let you down
or let you go, (only if you want to)
or let you slip away....
Because I dropped and keep dropping the ball.
Refusing to see what I have.....
Refusing to see what I had this whole time....

But I'm tired of talking like something like this exists. 
Out there, for me.... Because it might not. 
And I have to be okay with other girls
having what I always wanted....

And not having anything with anyone, at all. 
Even just for now....
While I work on myself. 
While I learn to take care of myself.... 
While I protect myself, 
and pull myself out of the wreckage
that somehow became my life....

While people couldn't see that I gaf.
That I cared. That I wanted to be there for them.
When I had f*cking NOBODY.
NOT EVEN THE PEOPLE I WANTED TO BE THERE FOR!!!!

I am tired of being taken advantage of and taken for granted.
Of being completely misunderstood.
Of not even allowed to communicate what I need
let alone what I want....
And what I need and want are very simple things....
That apparently, others are either not capable of....
Or they just don't gaf....

Or they turn on me when I can't meet THEIR NEEDS
OR WHEN I DON'T GIVE THEM WHAT THEY WANT.....
WHEN THEY ARE BEING IGNORANT
AND F*CKING SELFISH.....

AND WHEN I'M NOT ALLOWED
TO NEED OR WANT ANYTHING
FROM THEM OR FROM ANYONE....

And maybe if we talked about some things, 
they'd see that I'm a f*cking human being, 
who has basic needs. 

LIKE RESPECT AND DIGNITY.

Like even if I'm still learning.... 
They don't have to shower me with sparks
of ignorance and insensitivity....
Or be brutal or cruel to me.
Because that's not how I need to learn. 
Or want to learn. 
Or want to or need to feel
when I already feel less than f*cking human....

And I'd like to think that there's someone out there
who KNOWS exactly what I'm saying
and have been saying. 
And will be, and is, and will stay on the same page as me.
So that we can write the rest of the story, together.
And have a happy ending.

Despite everything that came before this....
Everything we didn't want or need.