The Way You Do It

People are definitely allowed to not want to be in my life. 
If they don't want to be in it, they don't have to be in it.
I've always been okay with that.

But why do some people choose to do it
THE WAY THEY DO?

WE COULD SPLIT AMICABLY, RIGHT?
SO WHY DO IT LIKE A D*CK?

THAT'S WHAT I'VE WANTED TO KNOW.
JUST THAT.

NOT EVERYONE HAS.... GRANTED.
SOMEONE WISHED ME WELL.
I WISHED HIM WELL.
WE WENT OUR OWN WAYS.

THAT WAS THAT.

MATURE. 
I RESPECT THAT, ACTUALLY.

WHAT ISN'T THERE TO RESPECT ABOUT THAT?

HE DIDN'T HAVE TO BE A D*CK, 
SO HE WASN'T!

EASY! RIGHT?

RESPECTFUL, RIGHT?

WHY SHOULD ANYONE'S "ABSENCE"
"CONTROL" MY LIFE?

NO REASON?

THEN?

THEN, WHY SHOULD IT?

MY FATHER'S?

DID SOME THINGS STING? YEAH?

BUT? 

HAVE I BEEN ABLE TO ENJOY MY LIFE?
WITHOUT HIM IN IT?

WITHOUT FRIENDS I'VE LOST, TOO? YEAH?

THEN? I'M OKAY.

IT WASN'T GOING TO AFFECT HOW MY LIFE
WOULD "TURN OUT."

ONLY IF I "LET" IT.

RIGHT?

DO I HAVE TO PUT MY "HAPPINESS" ON HOLD?
TO WAIT FOR ANYONE TO DECIDE ANYTHING? NO?

TO ENJOY MY LIFE?

"ALONE"? 

NO? NEVER DID?

THERE ARE SOME THINGS WE CAN'T RECREATE.
WITH OTHER PEOPLE, SURE.

LIKE MY FRIEND'S EX FOUND OUT.
"SORRY THAT I XYZ... 
HAVEN'T BEEN ABLE TO FIND ANYONE BETTER THAN YOU!"

6 YEARS LATER!

IMAGINE? WHAT DO YOU SAY TO THAT? RIGHT?

ATTRACTION ISN'T ENOUGH, 
FEELINGS, CHEMISTRY, ETC. AREN'T ENOUGH.

"LIFE IS TOO DEMANDING...
WITHOUT???????

UNDERSTANDING!!!!!!!!!!!!"

UNDERSTAND?

IF THEY UNDERSTOOD... COOL.

BUT TO BE ON THE SAME PAGE, IT TAKES UNDERSTANDING.
AND SOME OTHER THINGS.

I HAD ANOTHER CONVERSATION ABOUT POLITICS
THAT WAS A DEBATE THAT I SAW TURNING INTO AN ARGUMENT.

I DON'T WANT TO ARGUE ABOUT POLITICS.

I WANT THAT UNDERSTOOD. 

BECAUSE THAT USUALLY ENDS WITH PEOPLE
UNFRIENDING ME AND BLOCKING ME
JUST FOR THINKING THE WAY THAT I THINK.

IF WE CAN'T BE "FRIENDS"
JUST BECAUSE WE ARE ON DIFFERENT SIDES...
"POLITICALLY"
OR IN ANY OTHER WAY....

THEN WE CAN'T! I AM OKAY WITH THAT!

IF THEY DON'T WANT TO BE FRIENDS....
THEY DO NOT HAVE TO BE FRIENDS WITH ME!

JUST THAT!
BUT CERTAIN THINGS AREN'T COOL, STILL.

THAT'S THAT.
PEOPLE CAN END FRIENDSHIPS AMICABLY. 

EVEN RELATIONSHIPS!

THEY JUST DON'T HAVE TO BE IN EACH OTHER'S LIVES!

IF THEY CAN'T BE FRIENDS FOR WHATEVER REASON!

I JUST DON'T NEED TO BE "HELD IN PLACE"
BY POSSIBILITIES THAT NEVER GOT TO BE ANYTHING, EITHER.

THEY ARE ALLOWED TO CHANGE THEIR MIND, SO AM I.

JUST... SPLITTING AMICABLY WOULD BE AWESOME.

SO THEY CAN LIVE THEIR LIFE. 

WE BOTH HAVE CHOICES, DO WE NOT? YEAH?
SO WHY WOULD WE NOT BE ALLOWED TO MAKE THOSE CHOICES?

THEY CAN, I CAN.

JUST WEIRD THAT HATERS HAVE LITTLE CLUBS AND STUFF.
CAN'T ENJOY THEIR OWN LIFE, SO THEY'D HAVE TO BE LIKE THAT?
EVEN THOUGH NOBODY ACTUALLY HAS TO BE LIKE THAT?

THAT'S WHAT MAKES ME WONDER!

A LOT!

SO MUCH THAT I'M WRITING ABOUT...
WONDERING ABOUT THAT.

WEIRD THAT HATERS LIE, TOO. 

IT'S BEEN WEIRD... 
HOW SOME PEOPLE ACT... 
ISN'T HOW I ACT.

BECAUSE HOW THEY THINK
ISN'T HOW I THINK... 

LIKE "ARE YOU TRYING TO DEFEAT ME?"
ISN'T SOMETHING YOU CAN JUST...
OUTRIGHT ASK THEM.

BECAUSE THEY PROBABLY WON'T SAY: "YES, I AM."
IF THEY ARE. RIGHT?

BUT "THERE WILL BE SIGNS."

LIKE WHEN SOMEONE GETS RICH....
"THERE WILL BE SIGNS."

IF SOMEONE GETS BETTER...
"THERE WILL BE SIGNS."

IF SOMEONE WAKES UP....
"THERE WILL BE SIGNS."

A LOT OF PEOPLE ARE CONFUSED:
"HOW DID YOU XYZ, A***?"

DO I HAVE TO EXPLAIN IT? TOP TO BOTTOM?
"WHY SHOULD I LISTEN TO YOU?"

THAT IS WHY I DON'T ANYMORE.
BECAUSE I ACTUALLY DIDN'T HAVE TO EVEN SAY IT.

I CHOSE TO. I WANTED TO. BUT DIDN'T HAVE TO.

That's why I had to move on. 

My choice is just my choice.
No need to explain it to them, hoping they "understand."

Because? Will they if they never understood me?

I'm not very hard to understand!

What about me is there to understand?
Not a lot?

1) What I will and will not do?
2) How I act and how I don't?
3) What I think about and what I don't?
4) What I care about and what I don't?
5) WHAT MY LIMITS ARE
6) WHAT RESPECT MEANS TO ME
7) WHY I FEEL THE WAY I DO
8) WHY A SH*TTY THING TO DO TO TRY TO TEST ME
9) WHY I SEE MANIPULATION AND DON'T LIKE IT!
10) WHY ASSUMPTIONS AREN'T FACTS!

10 THINGS ABOUT PEOPLE TO UNDERSTAND.....
TO UNDERSTAND THAT PERSON.

PEOPLE MISTAKE.....
PATIENCE....
FOR PASSIVITY.

THAT IS WHY THEY TEST ME.

BECAUSE OF MISTAKING THINGS ABOUT ME
BY MAKING ASSUMPTIONS ABOUT ME.

I HAD TO LEARN ABOUT BOUNDARIES.
BECAUSE WHEN I WAS A KID....
I WASN'T SUPPOSED TO HAVE ANY... 
WASN'T TAUGHT TO HAVE ANY.

BY PEOPLE WHO DIDN'T GAF ABOUT THEM.

IF THEY GAF ABOUT THEM....
YOU'D THINK THEY WOULD HAVE TAUGHT ME?

PEOPLE WHO DIDN'T WANT ME TO HAVE THEM... 

WANTED TO? BENEFIT FROM?
MY TOLERANCE!!!!!!!!!!

TOLERANCE! RIGHT?
NOT THE SAME AS????
ACCOMMODATION!

I DON'T HAVE TO ACCOMMODATE....
PEOPLE WHO TRY ME.
WHO TEST MY TOLERANCE.

YOU DON'T THINK I'VE HAD MY TOLERANCE TESTED?
I HAVE! STILL DO!

"LET'S SEE HOW MUCH A*** CAN TAKE!"
"LET'S SEE IF WE CAN PUSH HER INTO SNAPPING
SO THAT WHEN SHE DOES IT'LL BE BECAUSE
I ALWAYS KNEW SHE WOULD!"

I READ PEOPLE QUITE WELL.

I DON'T LIKE IT.

THAT'S PART OF WHY I AM BY MYSELF A LOT.

IT TAKES ME A BIT SOMETIMES, AND SOMETIMES NOT.
BUT NOBODY LIKES IT WHEN I HAVE A "MIRROR"
IN MY HANDS....
TRYING TO SHOW THEM SOMETHING.

MY BROTHER SAID THIS:
"JUST BECAUSE YOU HAVE A MIRROR, 
DOESN'T MEAN YOU HAVE TO SHOVE IT IN ANYONE'S FACE."

HE SAID THIS TO ME.

HE SAID IT ABOUT ME CALLING SOMEONE OUT.
BECAUSE? PEOPLE DON'T LIKE BEING CALLED OUT.

1) I HAVE A MIRROR
2) HAVING ONE DOESN'T MEAN XYZ.

BUT? WHAT DOES IT MEAN?
BECAUSE.... IT DOESN'T HAVE TO MEAN XYZ.... 

BUT IT COULD MEAN?

COULD MEAN WHAT?

..... I HAVE A MIRROR.

AND THIS COULD MEAN..... SOMETHING.

AND WHAT IT DOESN'T MEAN...
IT DOESN'T HAVE TO MEAN.

FOR A LONG TIME.... CALLING PEOPLE OUT... 
FELT LIKE THE RIGHT THING TO DO.

PEOPLE HATE IT. THEY RESENT IT.
ESPECIALLY WHEN IT'S TRUE.

THE TRUTH IS THE MIRROR.
BECAUSE THE TRUTH IS SOMETHING YOU CAN REFLECT ON.

I WAS BEING SO BRUTALLY HONEST WITH SOMEONE:
"YOU DON'T HAVE TO BASH ME OVER THE HEAD WITH IT!"

THAT'S HOW BRUTALLY HONEST I WAS TO HIM!

ABOUT HIMSELF AND HOW HE WAS ACTING! TO ME!

HE FELT ATTACKED BY THE TRUTH!
LIKE TELLING HIM THE TRUTH
WAS A FULL ASSAULT OR SOMETHING!

SO HOW DID HE ACT?
LIKE I WAS ASSAULTING HIM!

EGO DIDN'T LIKE THE TRUTH!

BUT? WAS I SUPPOSED TO BE BRUTALLY DISHONEST?
TO HIM?

LIE TO HIM?
AND NOT TELL HIM EXACTLY HOW I FELT AND WHY?

OR TRY TO?

THEN HOW DO THEY LOOK AT ME?
LIKE A "VILLAIN" FOR TELLING THE TRUTH?

OMG! THE TRUTH REQUIRED SOME HUMILITY FROM YOU!
FOR YOU TO RECOGNIZE IT!
WHAT I WAS SAYING, TO UNDERSTAND IT. 

AND A LOT OF PEOPLE DO NOT WANT TO HUMBLE
THEMSELVES.

THEY'D RATHER... TRY TO HUMBLE ME.

IF THEY KNEW HOW TO, GO FOR IT!

I HUMBLE MYSELF SO I DON'T NEED THAT
AS MUCH AS SOME EGOTISTS DO.

I KNOW WHERE I STARTED FROM!
THAT'S WHY I CAN EVEN SAY IT!

CAN ANYONE ELSE? YES OR NO?

THEN WHY TRY ME LIKE THAT?

AM I TRYING THEM LIKE THAT? NO?

THEN? WHY TRY ME LIKE THAT?

PEOPLE LOOK AT PATIENCE LIKE:
"PASSIVE."

WRONG!

STRENGTH.... IS.... PATIENT.

A LOT OF PEOPLE DON'T SEE THAT.
THEY THOUGHT THEY SAW: PASSIVE.

NOPE. THEY WERE LOOKING AT PATIENCE!

RIGHT IN THE EYES SOMETIMES!
RIGHT.... IN... THE EYES.

SOMETIMES.

COULDN'T LOOK PAST.....?
ASSUMPTIONS!

WHATEVER THEY THOUGHT ABOUT ME
AND THOUGHT THEY SAW IN ME....

AND WHATEVER ELSE WHEN THEY LOOK AT ME.

MY WHOLE LIFE!

RIGHT!

SO THEY HAD LONG ENOUGH?
TO "FIGURE ME OUT"?

THE ONES WHO KNOW ME BEST..... KNOW ME!!!

I CAN SHOW MYSELF TO THEM
BECAUSE I TRUST THEM
BECAUSE I KNOW THAT I CAN.

HAVE I MISPLACED MY TRUST BEFORE? YES!
HAVE I THOUGHT I KNEW PEOPLE?
WELL ENOUGH TO TRUST THEM?
YES?

AND THEN? 

I'VE HAD TO THINK ABOUT TRUST VERY DIFFERENTLY!

IF ANYONE BREAKS IT....
AND DID IT INTENTIONALLY....
THEY INTENTIONALLY DID THAT.

AND THEY CHOSE THAT.

IF THEY CHOSE TO TEST ME.... IN SOME WAY...
THEY CHOSE TO DO THAT.

WHAT ELSE ARE THEY GOING TO CHOOSE TO DO
IF THEY CHOOSE TO DO THAT?

IF THEY PUT ME IN A BOX I DON'T BELONG IN....
AND I TRUSTED THEM NOT TO DO THAT....

WHAT ELSE... ARE THEY GOING TO DO?

IF THEY MISJUDGED ME.....
WHAT ELSE ARE THEY GOING TO DO?

IF THEY ASSUME THINGS ABOUT ME...
WHAT ELSE ARE THEY GOING TO DO?

DO I HAVE TO WANT TO BE AROUND
TO FIND OUT WHAT ELSE THEY WOULD DO?

I CAN CHOOSE FOR MYSELF, ALSO, THOUGH.

THEY HAVE TO REMEMBER THAT.

NOT SURE WHY THEY DON'T SEEM TO.

SOME OF THEM.

LIKE I WASN'T GOING TO RUN OUT OF PATIENCE?
BEING TESTED LIKE THAT?
CONSTANTLY?

THEY THOUGHT I'D ABSORB IT ALL.
ALL THE TIME.

LIKE: "A*** THE SPONGE. JUST SOAK IT UP."

AND WHEN I TOLD THEM THE TRUTH?
"A***'S ATTACKING ME!"
"GET MAD AT A***!"
"SHE SAID SOMETHING TRUE THAT I DON'T LIKE!"
" BECAUSE I DON'T WANT TO LOOK AT IT!"

SO THEN? WHY GO THERE WITH THEM?

BUT? NO.... A*** DIDN'T JUST "ABSORB."
A*** WAS OBSERVING! COOL, EH?

TRY IT SOMETIME!

THE WAY I WAS BEING TESTED?
BECAUSE PEOPLE NOTICED MY REACTIONS...

THE ONES THEY TRY TO GET INTENTIONALLY?

SO THEY CAN TRY TO DO THINGS?
BASED ON HOW I REACT?

YES, I NOTICED THAT.

AND WHEN I GIVE THEM NOTHING TO WORK WITH?
HOW CAN THEY WORK WITH IT?
THEY CAN'T.

AND THEN? THEY GET SCARED.

WHY? BECAUSE THEY WERE NOT EXPECTING
THIS FROM ME.

THAT IS PART OF IT.

AND THE THINGS THEY END UP SEEING
ARE VERY DIFFERENT FROM THE THINGS
THEY STARTED OFF SEEING.

BECAUSE THEY THOUGHT XYZ ABOUT ME.

THAT'S WHY.... I LET PEOPLE SHOW ME...
BUT WHAT HAPPENS WHEN I DON'T SHOW ANYONE?

WHAT HAPPENS WHEN I KEEP A LOT TO MYSELF?

WHY WOULD I DO THAT?
WHY SHOW PEOPLE WHO "ONLY SEE XYZ"?

SHOULD I?

OR? I DON'T HAVE TO?

THAT MOVIE.... ONE FLEW OVER THE CUCKOO'S NEST...
CHIEF.

HE WASN'T DEAF, RIGHT?
PEOPLE JUST ASSUMED HE WAS?

WELL.... IN A MATTER OF SPEAKING...
I'M NOT DEAF.

I'M NOT XYZ.

IN A MATTER OF SPEAKING.

COOL?

THAT'S SOMETHING YOU LEARN...
TO "SURVIVE" WHEN PEOPLE MISTAKE YOU.

LET'S SAY.... THERE WERE TIMES....
I HAD TO PRETEND I DIDN'T SEE THINGS THAT I SAW!

LIVING IN THE 'HOOD.

I CAN PRETEND I DON'T SEE THINGS.
BECAUSE I'VE HAD TO.

I CAN PRETEND A LOT OF THINGS.

JUST BECAUSE I CAN DO IT....
DOESN'T MEAN I LIKE DOING IT.

OR TELLING EVERYTHING I SEE
ALL THE TIME.

WHEN I DO... IT SCARES PEOPLE.
THEY DIDN'T THINK I COULD SEE
AS DEEPLY AS I CAN SEE ON SOME THINGS.

I DON'T WANT TO.

A LOT OF SH*T I WOULD RATHER NOT.

LIKE WHEN THAT DUDE... I DON'T HAVE A NICKNAME
FOR HIM YET...

CAN'T THINK OF ONE RIGHT NOW.

ANYWAY... THAT DUDE...
WHEN HE TEXTED ME....
I JUST... DIDN'T REPLY.

MY NUMBER HAS CHANGED SINCE THEN, ANYWAY...

BUT I DIDN'T HAVE TO REPLY.

PEOPLE THINK THE WRONG THINGS ABOUT ME.
AND THEY CLEARLY MISUNDERSTAND ME.

NOT MUCH I CAN EXPLAIN TO THEM.

SO? THEN?

DO I HAVE TO?

I DIDN'T HAVE TO BE AS BRUTALLY HONEST AS I WAS...
SURE...

BUT HAD I BEEN BRUTALLY DISHONEST?

HAD I LIED?

WHY WOULD I LIE? TO THEM?
TO "GET" SOMETHING I WASN'T TRYING TO "GET"?

NAH. I HAD TO TELL THEM.
BECAUSE THEY DIDN'T ACT LIKE THEY UNDERSTOOD... 

AND WHEN I TRIED TO?
THEY ACT WORSE?
AND KEEP PROTECTING AND OTHER THINGS?

WHEN THEY DON'T HAVE TO DO THAT TO ME?

WHEN I STOP ABSORBING IT....
THEY FEEL THE FULL IMPACT OF IT.

THAT'S HOW ENERGY TRAVELS.
SHOCKING.

THAT'S COOL.

YOU KNOW WHAT I ABSORBED? A LOT.

PUNCHES EVEN.
BS, TOO.

WHEN THEY SEE IT, IN REAL TIME...

WHAT DO THEY DO WITH IT?
WHEN THEY DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH IT?

IF THEY ARE GOOD AT FKING WITH IT...
WHAT DO YOU THINK THEY WILL DO WITH IT?

EVEN WHEN THEY DON'T "WANT" TO?

THEY KNOW HOW TO... BECAUSE THEY DO THAT...

YOU KNOW THEY KNOW HOW TO DO THAT.
BECAUSE YOU'VE SEEN THEM DO IT.

MOST PEOPLE DON'T KNOW WHAT I CAN DO...
BECAUSE THEY HAVEN'T SEEN ME DO IT.

AND THERE ARE SOME REASONS THEY HAVE NOT.

ONE REASON.... I'VE HAD TO PRETEND....
BECAUSE... I KNOW THAT PEOPLE TEST ME.

BECAUSE... I HAVE BEEN TESTED.

SO.... TO TEST WHETHER THEY WOULD TEST ME....
I HAD TO PRETEND SOME THINGS.

MAKES SENSE?

PRETEND THAT I WOULD TOLERATE SOME THINGS
THAT I ACTUALLY DON'T.

TO SEE WHO WOULD TEST MY TOLERANCE.
MORE THAN ONCE.

AND I DID WHAT?

I NOTED.... WHO DID.... AND WHO DIDN'T.

BECAUSE TESTING IT ONCE....? FINE....
BUT MORE THAN ONCE?

BECAUSE I "TOLERATED" SOMETHING?

BECAUSE THEY TESTED ME?

WHY TEST ME?

TO SEE WHAT?

TO SEE IF YOU CAN!!!!!
I SEE THAT!

NOW?

NOW I KNOW THAT YOU WOULD TEST ME.
AND I HAD TO TEST YOU TO SEE WHETHER
OR NOT YOU WOULD.

RIGHT?

I'M NOT DEAF.

I'M NOT XYZ.

THINKING I AM ANYTHING....
MAKES ME ANYTHING?

THINKING ANYONE IS ANYTHING...
MAKES THEM ANYTHING?

SO WHY WOULD THAT MAKE ME ANYTHING?

WHEN SOMEONE DOESN'T KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH ME
I KNOW WHAT I'M DOING WITH THE THINGS
THAT I AM DOING.

AND I AM OKAY WITH THAT.

I WASN'T UPSET THAT 12-YEAR DISCARD LEFT MY LIFE
OR MIRROR SMASHER, OR MY EX, 
OR WHOEVER ELSE.

THEY WERE ALWAYS ALLOWED TO.
WELCOME TO LEAVE ANY TIME!

THE THING IS.... 
IF YOU ACT LIKE A FKTARD, 
ON YOUR WAY OUT....

TRYING TO TRIGGER ME...
OR SOMETHING LIKE THIS...

THAT WAS YOU TESTING ME.

PEOPLE SEEM TO DO THIS.
LIKE WHEN THEY TRY TO GET ME TO FIGHT THEM.

AND THEY TRY TO FK WITH MY FEELINGS.

AND I SEE THAT.

"LIGHT SWITCH. ON OR OFF."

I TURN THE LIGHT OFF.... AND THEY CAN'T SEE.
THEY CAN'T READ ME.
THEY DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO.

UNTIL.... THEY ADJUST.... TO THE DARK.
BUT... THEY NEED TIME TO DO THAT.

THEY CAN CRASH OUT IF THEY CAN'T SEE.
RIGHT?

I KNOW THIS.

I KNOW I CAN TOO.... SO I KNOW THIS:
IF I TURN THE LIGHT ON...
IN MY OWN HOUSE...
I CAN SEE WHAT I'M DOING...
IN MY OWN HOUSE...
WITH MY DOOR LOCKED.

RIGHT?

I SEE WHAT PEOPLE CHOOSE TO DO.
WHEN THEY THINK THEY ARE BEING SLICK.

WHY ARE THEY TRYING TO BE SLICK?

THAT IS WHAT I SEE, TOO.

WOULDN'T YOU?

IF I WAS TRYING TO BE?

BUT WHY WOULD I BE TRYING TO?
WHY WOULD I WANT TO?

I DON'T.

BEING SLICK TAKES TOO MUCH
AND IT'S NOT AUTHENTICITY.

IT IS WHAT IT IS.
ISN'T WHAT IT ISN'T.

I SAW THIS.

NOT THAT I WANTED TO.
NOT THAT I WAS TRYING TO.

IT WAS SHOWN TO ME.
HARD NOT TO SEE SOME OF IT...

IT'S TOO IN-YOUR-FACE NOT TO SEE IT.
THAT'S WHY I HAD TO PRETEND.

SOMETIMES.

NOT THAT I WANTED TO.

AND THAT ISN'T AUTHENTIC.

IT'S A BARRIER, IS WHAT IT IS.
BUT THE THING IS...
BARRIERS ARE ASSUMED TO BE....
OTHER THINGS.

Get OUT Of Your Own Way!!!!!!

I know that I often sabotage myself.
I AM VERY GOOD AT....
GETTING IN MY OWN WAY...

MORE SO WHEN I USED TO DRINK!
BUT... I AM VERY GOOD AT...
GETTING IN MY OWN WAY...

It's probably one of the things...
THAT I'M THE BEST AT DOING!

I SUCK AT A LOT OF OTHER THINGS...
BUT... THAT?! I'M VERY GOOD AT IT!

How did I get very good at it?
I DID IT SO MANY TIMES THAT I GOT GOOD AT IT!

I GOT SO GOOD AT IT...
THAT I CAN DO IT....
WITHOUT REALIZING THAT I'M DOING IT!

With crochet and knitting, that still takes some effort...
But that is MUSCLE MEMORY at this point. 

-----------------------------------------------------

He wanted to keep "inflicting" pain....
SO THAT I'D ADJUST TO IT.

AND ANYONE WHO GETS MAD THAT YOU HAVE BOUNDARIES....
AND MAKES IT ABOUT THEM....

(YOUR BOUNDARIES ARE ABOUT YOU, NOT THEM).

ANYONE WHO RESPECTS YOU WILL RESPECT YOUR BOUNDARIES.
THEY WON'T GET MAD AT YOU FOR HAVING THEM!
FOR PROTECTING YOURSELF!

AND SOMEONE WHO PUTS YOU IN A POSITION
TO CONSTANTLY DEFEND YOURSELF... 

THEY EXPECT YOU TO DO IT!
WHY IS THAT?

Anyway, I have to rest for a bit.... 

-------------------------------------------------------------

It was brought up to me the other day....
That I can be over someone and still not be okay with how they treated me.

I don't have to, and I don't hate the fktards who are fuktarded
and don't seem to know how not to be fktarded.

I just don't have to make time for fktardery. 

Pretty much.

Is it okay to not be on the same page? Yeah?
Do we have to hate each other? No?

Can I eventually let go of all anger etc? Yeah?

But do I need to be antagonized? No?

Anyway.... I'm redesigning my code today and going to try to
turn it into software... 

I've never made software before. 

I have to build the interface etc.... UI.
USER INTERFACE

Anyway.... I'd better go concentrate on that for a while.

Mostly

The THING OF THINGS that really p*ssed me off....
Was that he didn't seem to REALIZE why I was upset!

IF HE REALIZED IT.... IT WOULD BE ONE THING, RIGHT?

BUT REFUSING TO REALIZE THINGS...
KINDA P*SSES ME OFF.

ESPECIALLY WHEN I TRIED TO TELL HIM
A BILLION TIMES!

"THAT WAS 12 YEARS AGO!"
YEAH. IT WAS.

THAT ISN'T THE POINT!
THE POINT IS IF HE WON'T REALIZE THAT....

HE'S GOING TO DO THIS SAME SH*T AGAIN.

It stung! It friggin did!

"WE COULDN'T TALK!"
HMMM, WHY IS THAT?

BECAUSE WHEN I WANTED TO, HE DIDN'T?
WHEN HE COULD HAVE JUST....
HEARD ME..... HE DIDN'T?

SEE HOW WE COULD "TALK" THAT TIME?
SEE HOW WELL HE HEARD ME THAT TIME?
JUST LIKE THE OTHER TIMES?

HOW CAN HE BLAME THINGS THAT WEREN'T
THE ISSUE?

BECAUSE THAT'S EASIER?
THAN BLAMING HIMSELF?

IF HE EVEN SAW WHY I'D FIND THAT SH*T INSULTING!
EVEN THAT WOULD HAVE BEEN SOMETHING!

BUT IF A DUDE IS EGOTISTICAL AND SHADY...
HOW FAR IS THAT GOING TO GO?

I'M "TOXIC" BECAUSE HE DOESN'T WANT TO ADMIT ANYTHING....

Most of my views are coming from the USA.
I find that interesting. I don't know why, but it is kinda interesting.

And not from Google. A few from there.
But the majority are from "Other."

Whatever that means.

I can't remember if I put this out anywhere.
I don't drive traffic to this. 

Even MY CLOSEST FRIENDS....
DON'T KNOW ABOUT THIS.

VERY FEW DO.

I will get off these topics, though, haha.

I've been venting A LOT.

Getting it "off my chest," I guess.
Better than holding it all in.

Just... It's been a lot... Been frustrating...
Aggravating... Infuriating...
Insulting...
Tiring...

A lot of things.

I'm also hoping that fktards.... 
WILL JUST STOP BEING FKTARDS.

FKN FKTARDED. :P

I BET I HAVE SOME HATERS.
USUALLY.... THAT'S THE WAY IT GOES.

NOT A LOT I CAN DO ABOUT THAT.
MOST PEOPLE HAVE HATERS.

I'D LOVE TO WRITE ABOUT SOME POLITICAL STUFF...
BUT I KNOW HOW THAT WOULD GO.

"MENTAL ILLNESS"
AND THEY LITERALLY SEND COPS AROUND
TO PEOPLE'S RESIDENCES
FOR POSTING THINGS ON SOCIAL MEDIA FFS.

EVEN THOUGH? WE ARE SUPPOSED TO HAVE?????
FREEDOM OF SPEECH!!!!!!

UNLESS WE'RE TALKING ABOUT POLITICS!
RIGHT?

HOW DARE WE NOT "CONFORM"!?

THEY CAN "DETAIN" YOU FOR AN "EVALUATION."
A FEW DAYS CAN TURN INTO A FEW WEEKS.
A FEW WEEKS CAN TURN INTO A FEW MONTHS...

ALL BECAUSE YOU HAVE "THOUGHT" 
ABOUT THE GOVERNMENT!!!!!!!!!

AND YOU COULD BE TELLING THE TRUTH!

BUT IF YOU HAVE ANY KIND OF "MENTAL ILLNESS"
THEY USE THAT AGAINST YOU
AND USE IT AS AN EXCUSE
TO HAVE YOU "DETAINED"!

AND "EVALUATED"! FFS!

I DO POST SOME POLITICAL STUFF ON FB.

BUT WATCH PEOPLE BE ALL LIKE:
"SHE'S CRAZY! FOR XYZ!"

YOU KNOW WHAT????

THAT ONE WHO CAME TO MY DOOR TO
"CHECK ON ME."

BECAUSE???? I LEFT A MEETING!

I TOLD THEM WHAT THEY WERE SAYING
IS FKN RIDICULOUS!

THEY WANT TO PUT IT ON US....
AS TENANTS
FOR THEM
TO KEEP US SAFE.

IF THEY ARE SUPPOSED TO BE KEEPING US SAFE....
SHOULD THAT NOT BE ON THEM?

NO US?

AND THE DUDE WANTED TO "EXPLAIN"
MY OPINION TO ME!

THAT'S WHY I LEFT!

WHY TRY TO "EXPLAIN" MY OPINION TO ME?

IT'S MY OPINION! I KNOW WHY I HAVE IT!

BECAUSE???? IT'S FKN RIDICULOUS!
THAT'S WHY!

IF IT WASN'T.... WOULD I SAY IT WAS???!!!

SO WHY... WOULD I "NEED" SOMEONE TO
"CHECK ON ME"

FOR LEAVING A MEETING?

FOR MY REACTION!
TO SHOWING UP AT MY DOOR!
FOR NO FKN REASON!

"TO CHECK ON ME"
WHEN THEY HAVE NO FKN REASON TO!

THAT'S HOW THEY USE "MENTAL ILLNESS"
AGAINST YOU!

GET IT?

SO THAT IF I CRASHED OUT....
SHE COULD CALL THE COPS ON ME?

LIKE WTF DO YOU EVEN FKN WANT FROM ME????
FFS!

IF I DID THIS SH*T TO PEOPLE?
THAT'D PROBABLY P*SS THEM OFF!

I WAS!

BUT I HAD TO TRY TO BE POLITE....
BECAUSE.... IF I GAVE HER ANY REASON
TO CALL THE COPS....

SHE WOULD DO IT!

AND THEY WOULD LITERALLY KICK IN MY DOOR
IF I REFUSED TO OPEN IT!

ALL KINDS OF BS!

JUST FOR LEAVING A MEETING?
FOR HAVING AN OPINION!

WANT TO HEAR SOMETHING?
ONE OF THE TENANTS WANTED TO START
A TENANT COMMITTEE...

AND THE HOUSING "COMPANY"
DIDN'T WANT TO ALLOW IT...
AND TOLD HIM HE WAS ON "GROUNDS FOR EVICTION"!

"ONLY (THIS COMPANY) CAN HAVE COMMITTEES!"

THEY DON'T WANT ANY OVERSIGHT!
THAT'S WHY!

THEY JUST WANT TO BE FKTARDED.
WITHOUT ANYONE SAYING ANYTHING
ABOUT THEIR FKTARDATION.

THAT'S HOW FKTARDED IT IS...
TO LIVE HERE.

THAT'S WHY I LEFT THAT MEETING.

MOSTLY BEEN STAYING IN MY APT.
WITH THE DOOR LOCKED.

WRITING THESE POSTS... 
CODING AND OTHER STUFF.

MY DAY-TO-DAY IS VERY SIMPLE.
I KEEP IT THAT WAY.

No need to "complicate" it.
WHY DO THAT?

JUST TO DO IT?

I'm Okay With That

As much as some things that happened bugged me...
IT'S OBVIOUS I WAS NOT MEANT TO BE
WITH ANY OF THOSE FKERS.

I AM OKAY WITH THAT!

It's not like I'm NOT okay with that. I am.

But that doesn't mean that some stuff didn't bug me.

The jealousy stuff doesn't bug me.
I didn't think anyone had anything to be jealous of me about....
That's why I didn't think anyone WOULD BE.

Just as surprising as all the views I've been getting on this blog.
Especially recently.

This month... Like 4 times higher than last month.

Not sure how that even happened...

Lots of negative energy towards me....
For???? JUST LIVING MY LIFE?
BEING CREATIVE?
HAVING IDEAS?
DOING STUFF?

Like.... GETTING MAD ABOUT IT!
WHY?

CAN'T BE HAPPY FOR ME?

MOST PEOPLE ARE NOT HAPPY AT ALL!

THEY DON'T KNOW HOW!

TO JUST BE HAPPY!

I'll admit that I've had my share of DEPRESSION.
I ALSO SPENT A LOT OF MY LIFE ANGRY.

DID I KNOW HOW TO BE HAPPY?
APART FROM BEING HAPPY FOR SOMEONE ELSE?
NO?

LIKE 20 YEARS AGO....
WAS I HAPPY?

I WAS WITH SOMEONE WHO DIDN'T WANT TO BE WITH ME!

I WAS NOT HAPPY IN THAT RELATIONSHIP.

I ENDED THAT RELATIONSHIP.

I'M GLAD THAT I DID.

NOTHING WOULD HAVE GOTTEN BETTER!
AND HE WAS NOT THE GUY FOR ME.

I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW WHO I WAS!

I BARELY GOT OUT ANYWHERE!

I DIDN'T HAVE MANY FRIENDS!

HE WANTED ME "DOWN."

ESPECIALLY AFTER I ENDED THAT RELATIONSHIP.
HE ALIENATED ME FROM MY KID.

AMONG OTHER THINGS.

MY 20s? I DRANK A LOT.

THAT WASN'T HELPING ME!

WAS I THE BEST VERSION OF MYSELF? NO?

DEFINITELY WASN'T "HAPPY."

You can see that in my writing from back then...

I was "lonely" and DEPRESSED.... 
WASN'T MYSELF...

I PRIORITIZED PEOPLE
WHO DIDN'T PRIORITIZE ME.

I WASN'T WHO I COULD HAVE BEEN....
HAD NO DIRECTION...

ACTUALLY, AND HONESTLY... 
I AM EMBARRASSED THAT I USED TO THINK
THE WAY I USED TO THINK!

IF YOU KNEW MY ENVIRONMENT....
THAT HAD A LOT TO DO WITH IT...

BUT THAT WASN'T ALL OF IT.

I HAD TO STOP PRIORITIZING ANYONE
WHO WEREN'T THERE FOR ME.

IF IT WASN'T MUTUAL... IT SHOULDN'T HAVE
MATTERED AS MUCH AS IT SEEMED TO.

MY SELF-ESTEEM WAS SO FKN LOW!!!!!!!!
LOOK AT WHO I HAD AROUND ME!
JUDGING ME!
EVERYTHING ABOUT ME!
EVERYTHING I DID!
ALL THE FKN TIME!

AND I WAS... JUST AS HARD.... ON MYSELF!!!!!!

BUT??? WASN'T THAT ALL I "KNEW"
AT THAT TIME? YEAH?

I'D BEEN WITH THAT GUY SINCE I WAS 16!!!!!!!

TO ME, IT WAS AN ACTUAL RELATIONSHIP.
WE LIVED TOGETHER.
WE HAD A KID TOGETHER.

BUT???? WHAT DID IT END UP BEING?
WHAT DID IT END UP COSTING?

A LOT?

BUT???? DID IT TEACH ME A LOT? YEAH?

ABOUT MYSELF AND ABOUT "DATING."

EVERY "RELATIONSHIP" I'VE BEEN IN....
TAUGHT ME SOME THINGS.

SOME THINGS I DIDN'T WANT TO LEARN IN THOSE WAYS...
BUT? DID I LEARN? YEAH?

I knew what I wanted, or thought I did, back then....
But I didn't know how rare it actually is.

A lot I didn't see in myself... 
Things I needed all along.

So those times that I'm not exactly "happy"...
I CAN AT LEAST BE "OKAY."

"ALONE."

Been "alone" most of my life!
Why wouldn't I be "okay"? 

It kinda sucks at times, but for the most part...

There are actual upsides to being "alone."

I DON'T HAVE TO DEAL WITH THEIR CRAP!

I NOTICE ALL KINDS OF THINGS!
BUT I DON'T ALWAYS ANNOUNCE IT.

I LET PEOPLE SHOW ME WHO THEY ARE.
THEY DON'T KNOW THEY ARE DOING IT!

PEOPLE TRY TO USE MY "UNDERSTANDING"
TO "HIDE FROM ACCOUNTABILITY."

THEY DON'T SEEM TO "UNDERSTAND"
UNTIL THEY ARE GOING THROUGH THE SAME CRAP
THEY PUT ME THROUGH
WITH SOMEONE ELSE.

HOW THAT "FEELS." UNFAIR. RIGHT?
HOW I FELT. 

HOW I WAS "CRAZY"
FOR???? WANTING HONESTY?
WHEN I COULD HAVE JUST HAD THAT?
AT LEAST?

THEY "GOT USED" TO ME....
LIKE HOW THE SUN COMES UP IN THE MORNING.
IT'S JUST "THERE."

RIGHT?

PEOPLE WOULD MISS IT IF IT "DISAPPEARED." 

NOT JUST AT NIGHTTIME....
FOREVER.

BUT WE PROBABLY WOULDN'T SURVIVE WITHOUT IT.

NOT SAYING NOBODY CAN SURVIVE WITHOUT ME...

ALL THE THINGS I HAD TO FIGHT FOR:
BASIC RESPECT,
BASIC CONSIDERATION, 

THEY HAVE TO FIGHT FOR WITH SOMEONE ELSE....
WHO ALSO WANTS TO "WIN."

LIKE THEY DID!

AND THEY DIDN'T WANT "BETTER"
THEY WANTED TO "WIN!"

BUT WHY LEAVE?
BECAUSE IT WOULD BE LIKE ADMITTING:
THAT I HAD ENOUGH!

AND I DIDN'T "LEAVE" TO BE A B*TCH.
I HAD ENOUGH. SIMPLY THAT.

SO THEY WILL REALIZE....
THEY CAN'T "EXPLAIN" SOMEONE
INTO RESPECTING THEM!

IF SOMEONE DOESN'T WANT TO CHANGE...
THEY WON'T!

JUST LIKE THEY DIDN'T WANT TO! RIGHT?

BUT I "SWITCHED OUT OF NOWHERE!"

"TALKING" WOULD HAVE WORKED... IF IT WAS GOING TO!
IT DIDN'T BECAUSE IT WOULDN'T....

AND I WENT COLD.... RIGHT?

OUT OF NOWHERE?

OR???? OUT OF FRUSTRATION?

AS LONG AS I'M A "VILLAIN"
THEY DON'T HAVE TO "LOOK AT THEMSELVES."

OR "DO ANYTHING."

RIGHT?

I'D "FALL APART" WITHOUT THEM, RIGHT?

THEY NEVER SAW ME.
THEY JUST WANTED A FKN REACTION, RIGHT?
TO SEE IF THEY "MATTER"?

GAMES.

Do I need anyone who wasted my time...
TO FINALLY SEE ME?
HOW FKN UNFAIR IT WAS TO ME?

NO?

I SAW ME. THAT'S ALL I NEEDED.

FK ANYONE WHO COULDN'T!

IF A DUDE WANTS TO ACT LIKE A "FLING."
FK IT. NOT FOR ME.

I WASN'T IN IT FOR THAT.

Anyway... It just seems like some people
WANT ME TO BE STRESSED OUT
BECAUSE THEY ARE.

THAT'S WHY THEY TRY TO POKE AT ME.

AND I SHOULD SEE THAT AND ALREADY KNOW THAT
WHEN THEY ARE FISHING FOR REACTIONS FROM ME.

BUT IT'S NOT SOMETHING I THINK ABOUT ALL THE TIME.

ANTAGONISM. TO GET ME TO "REACT." 

THEY WANT ME TO FEEL LIKE IT'S "MY LOSS."
LOSING WHAT? BS?
YEAH, I LOST BIG, EH? *EYEROLL*

Manipulate me by "running away."
Easier to run and hide.

Okay. Do that.

BUT THEY DO THAT FOR A SENSE OF "CONTROL."
"SILENT TREATMENT"

BECAUSE HE WANTS ME TO FEEL GUILTY
FOR STANDING MY GROUND.

THAT'S HOW HE WANTS TO BE! RIGHT?
OR HE WOULDN'T BE LIKE THAT?

IT'S LIKE HE ACTS OUT OF SPITE.

THE ONLY THING I HAVE SPITE FOR
IS THE BS.

LOSING ME TRYING TO MANIPULATE ME
WITH SILENCE AND DISTANCE.

ISN'T WORKING BECAUSE I DIDN'T COME BACK.

WANTED ME TO COMPROMISE. 
AND FIX IT.
AND BE THE ONE TO REACH OUT.

BUT I DIDN'T!
BECAUSE IT WAS A GAME!

IF YOU DISCARD ME.... I'M GONE.
JUST THAT.

WAS WAITING ON ME
AFTER DISCARDING ME.

"USED TO" LETTING PEOPLE SLIDE ON MISTAKES.

BUT? MOST OF THOSE MISTAKES ARE????
CHOICES!

AND MOST PEOPLE WANT TO TRY TO USE ME
AS A SCAPEGOAT FOR THEIR SH*T.

INSTEAD OF PLAYING GAMES WITH ME....
COULD HAVE??? INTROSPECTED. 
REFLECTED.

THOUGHT ABOUT IT.
THOUGHT ABOUT ME.

BUT??? TOO ARROGANT TO DO THAT!
AND IMPULSIVE.

THE THINGS PEOPLE TRY TO HIDE FROM...
THEY CAN'T "OUTRUN."

EVEN THOUGH THEY TRY TO.

HE CAN PLAY THE EXACT SAME GAMES WITH OTHERS....
AND SEE HOW FAR IT GOES...
AND SEE HOW FAR IT TAKES HIM.

THEY DON'T WANT TO SEE HOW THEY DESTROY 
THINGS WITH ME.

BECAUSE THEY'D KNOW IT.

AND THEY'D SEE THEMSELVES.
THEY DON'T WANT TO!

RISKED IT ALL.

OTHERS WILL SEE WHAT I DID.
BECAUSE HE'LL ACT RECKLESSLY.
NOT JUST WITH ME.

AND HE'LL TRY TO PUT IT ON THEM, TOO.
LIKE HE DID TO ME.

AND THAT WILL P*SS THEM OFF, TOO.
I'M SURE IT WILL!

IT'S INSULTING.

SO DOING THINGS THAT P*SS PEOPLE OFF....
P*SSES THEM OFF???!!!

IMAGINE!