The Way You Do It

People are definitely allowed to not want to be in my life. 
If they don't want to be in it, they don't have to be in it.
I've always been okay with that.

But why do some people choose to do it
THE WAY THEY DO?

WE COULD SPLIT AMICABLY, RIGHT?
SO WHY DO IT LIKE A D*CK?

THAT'S WHAT I'VE WANTED TO KNOW.
JUST THAT.

NOT EVERYONE HAS.... GRANTED.
SOMEONE WISHED ME WELL.
I WISHED HIM WELL.
WE WENT OUR OWN WAYS.

THAT WAS THAT.

MATURE. 
I RESPECT THAT, ACTUALLY.

WHAT ISN'T THERE TO RESPECT ABOUT THAT?

HE DIDN'T HAVE TO BE A D*CK, 
SO HE WASN'T!

EASY! RIGHT?

RESPECTFUL, RIGHT?

WHY SHOULD ANYONE'S "ABSENCE"
"CONTROL" MY LIFE?

NO REASON?

THEN?

THEN, WHY SHOULD IT?

MY FATHER'S?

DID SOME THINGS STING? YEAH?

BUT? 

HAVE I BEEN ABLE TO ENJOY MY LIFE?
WITHOUT HIM IN IT?

WITHOUT FRIENDS I'VE LOST, TOO? YEAH?

THEN? I'M OKAY.

IT WASN'T GOING TO AFFECT HOW MY LIFE
WOULD "TURN OUT."

ONLY IF I "LET" IT.

RIGHT?

DO I HAVE TO PUT MY "HAPPINESS" ON HOLD?
TO WAIT FOR ANYONE TO DECIDE ANYTHING? NO?

TO ENJOY MY LIFE?

"ALONE"? 

NO? NEVER DID?

THERE ARE SOME THINGS WE CAN'T RECREATE.
WITH OTHER PEOPLE, SURE.

LIKE MY FRIEND'S EX FOUND OUT.
"SORRY THAT I XYZ... 
HAVEN'T BEEN ABLE TO FIND ANYONE BETTER THAN YOU!"

6 YEARS LATER!

IMAGINE? WHAT DO YOU SAY TO THAT? RIGHT?

ATTRACTION ISN'T ENOUGH, 
FEELINGS, CHEMISTRY, ETC. AREN'T ENOUGH.

"LIFE IS TOO DEMANDING...
WITHOUT???????

UNDERSTANDING!!!!!!!!!!!!"

UNDERSTAND?

IF THEY UNDERSTOOD... COOL.

BUT TO BE ON THE SAME PAGE, IT TAKES UNDERSTANDING.
AND SOME OTHER THINGS.

I HAD ANOTHER CONVERSATION ABOUT POLITICS
THAT WAS A DEBATE THAT I SAW TURNING INTO AN ARGUMENT.

I DON'T WANT TO ARGUE ABOUT POLITICS.

I WANT THAT UNDERSTOOD. 

BECAUSE THAT USUALLY ENDS WITH PEOPLE
UNFRIENDING ME AND BLOCKING ME
JUST FOR THINKING THE WAY THAT I THINK.

IF WE CAN'T BE "FRIENDS"
JUST BECAUSE WE ARE ON DIFFERENT SIDES...
"POLITICALLY"
OR IN ANY OTHER WAY....

THEN WE CAN'T! I AM OKAY WITH THAT!

IF THEY DON'T WANT TO BE FRIENDS....
THEY DO NOT HAVE TO BE FRIENDS WITH ME!

JUST THAT!
BUT CERTAIN THINGS AREN'T COOL, STILL.

THAT'S THAT.
PEOPLE CAN END FRIENDSHIPS AMICABLY. 

EVEN RELATIONSHIPS!

THEY JUST DON'T HAVE TO BE IN EACH OTHER'S LIVES!

IF THEY CAN'T BE FRIENDS FOR WHATEVER REASON!

I JUST DON'T NEED TO BE "HELD IN PLACE"
BY POSSIBILITIES THAT NEVER GOT TO BE ANYTHING, EITHER.

THEY ARE ALLOWED TO CHANGE THEIR MIND, SO AM I.

JUST... SPLITTING AMICABLY WOULD BE AWESOME.

SO THEY CAN LIVE THEIR LIFE. 

WE BOTH HAVE CHOICES, DO WE NOT? YEAH?
SO WHY WOULD WE NOT BE ALLOWED TO MAKE THOSE CHOICES?

THEY CAN, I CAN.

JUST WEIRD THAT HATERS HAVE LITTLE CLUBS AND STUFF.
CAN'T ENJOY THEIR OWN LIFE, SO THEY'D HAVE TO BE LIKE THAT?
EVEN THOUGH NOBODY ACTUALLY HAS TO BE LIKE THAT?

THAT'S WHAT MAKES ME WONDER!

A LOT!

SO MUCH THAT I'M WRITING ABOUT...
WONDERING ABOUT THAT.

WEIRD THAT HATERS LIE, TOO. 

IT'S BEEN WEIRD... 
HOW SOME PEOPLE ACT... 
ISN'T HOW I ACT.

BECAUSE HOW THEY THINK
ISN'T HOW I THINK... 

LIKE "ARE YOU TRYING TO DEFEAT ME?"
ISN'T SOMETHING YOU CAN JUST...
OUTRIGHT ASK THEM.

BECAUSE THEY PROBABLY WON'T SAY: "YES, I AM."
IF THEY ARE. RIGHT?

BUT "THERE WILL BE SIGNS."

LIKE WHEN SOMEONE GETS RICH....
"THERE WILL BE SIGNS."

IF SOMEONE GETS BETTER...
"THERE WILL BE SIGNS."

IF SOMEONE WAKES UP....
"THERE WILL BE SIGNS."

A LOT OF PEOPLE ARE CONFUSED:
"HOW DID YOU XYZ, A***?"

DO I HAVE TO EXPLAIN IT? TOP TO BOTTOM?
"WHY SHOULD I LISTEN TO YOU?"

THAT IS WHY I DON'T ANYMORE.
BECAUSE I ACTUALLY DIDN'T HAVE TO EVEN SAY IT.

I CHOSE TO. I WANTED TO. BUT DIDN'T HAVE TO.

That's why I had to move on. 

My choice is just my choice.
No need to explain it to them, hoping they "understand."

Because? Will they if they never understood me?

I'm not very hard to understand!

What about me is there to understand?
Not a lot?

1) What I will and will not do?
2) How I act and how I don't?
3) What I think about and what I don't?
4) What I care about and what I don't?
5) WHAT MY LIMITS ARE
6) WHAT RESPECT MEANS TO ME
7) WHY I FEEL THE WAY I DO
8) WHY A SH*TTY THING TO DO TO TRY TO TEST ME
9) WHY I SEE MANIPULATION AND DON'T LIKE IT!
10) WHY ASSUMPTIONS AREN'T FACTS!

10 THINGS ABOUT PEOPLE TO UNDERSTAND.....
TO UNDERSTAND THAT PERSON.

PEOPLE MISTAKE.....
PATIENCE....
FOR PASSIVITY.

THAT IS WHY THEY TEST ME.

BECAUSE OF MISTAKING THINGS ABOUT ME
BY MAKING ASSUMPTIONS ABOUT ME.

I HAD TO LEARN ABOUT BOUNDARIES.
BECAUSE WHEN I WAS A KID....
I WASN'T SUPPOSED TO HAVE ANY... 
WASN'T TAUGHT TO HAVE ANY.

BY PEOPLE WHO DIDN'T GAF ABOUT THEM.

IF THEY GAF ABOUT THEM....
YOU'D THINK THEY WOULD HAVE TAUGHT ME?

PEOPLE WHO DIDN'T WANT ME TO HAVE THEM... 

WANTED TO? BENEFIT FROM?
MY TOLERANCE!!!!!!!!!!

TOLERANCE! RIGHT?
NOT THE SAME AS????
ACCOMMODATION!

I DON'T HAVE TO ACCOMMODATE....
PEOPLE WHO TRY ME.
WHO TEST MY TOLERANCE.

YOU DON'T THINK I'VE HAD MY TOLERANCE TESTED?
I HAVE! STILL DO!

"LET'S SEE HOW MUCH A*** CAN TAKE!"
"LET'S SEE IF WE CAN PUSH HER INTO SNAPPING
SO THAT WHEN SHE DOES IT'LL BE BECAUSE
I ALWAYS KNEW SHE WOULD!"

I READ PEOPLE QUITE WELL.

I DON'T LIKE IT.

THAT'S PART OF WHY I AM BY MYSELF A LOT.

IT TAKES ME A BIT SOMETIMES, AND SOMETIMES NOT.
BUT NOBODY LIKES IT WHEN I HAVE A "MIRROR"
IN MY HANDS....
TRYING TO SHOW THEM SOMETHING.

MY BROTHER SAID THIS:
"JUST BECAUSE YOU HAVE A MIRROR, 
DOESN'T MEAN YOU HAVE TO SHOVE IT IN ANYONE'S FACE."

HE SAID THIS TO ME.

HE SAID IT ABOUT ME CALLING SOMEONE OUT.
BECAUSE? PEOPLE DON'T LIKE BEING CALLED OUT.

1) I HAVE A MIRROR
2) HAVING ONE DOESN'T MEAN XYZ.

BUT? WHAT DOES IT MEAN?
BECAUSE.... IT DOESN'T HAVE TO MEAN XYZ.... 

BUT IT COULD MEAN?

COULD MEAN WHAT?

..... I HAVE A MIRROR.

AND THIS COULD MEAN..... SOMETHING.

AND WHAT IT DOESN'T MEAN...
IT DOESN'T HAVE TO MEAN.

FOR A LONG TIME.... CALLING PEOPLE OUT... 
FELT LIKE THE RIGHT THING TO DO.

PEOPLE HATE IT. THEY RESENT IT.
ESPECIALLY WHEN IT'S TRUE.

THE TRUTH IS THE MIRROR.
BECAUSE THE TRUTH IS SOMETHING YOU CAN REFLECT ON.

I WAS BEING SO BRUTALLY HONEST WITH SOMEONE:
"YOU DON'T HAVE TO BASH ME OVER THE HEAD WITH IT!"

THAT'S HOW BRUTALLY HONEST I WAS TO HIM!

ABOUT HIMSELF AND HOW HE WAS ACTING! TO ME!

HE FELT ATTACKED BY THE TRUTH!
LIKE TELLING HIM THE TRUTH
WAS A FULL ASSAULT OR SOMETHING!

SO HOW DID HE ACT?
LIKE I WAS ASSAULTING HIM!

EGO DIDN'T LIKE THE TRUTH!

BUT? WAS I SUPPOSED TO BE BRUTALLY DISHONEST?
TO HIM?

LIE TO HIM?
AND NOT TELL HIM EXACTLY HOW I FELT AND WHY?

OR TRY TO?

THEN HOW DO THEY LOOK AT ME?
LIKE A "VILLAIN" FOR TELLING THE TRUTH?

OMG! THE TRUTH REQUIRED SOME HUMILITY FROM YOU!
FOR YOU TO RECOGNIZE IT!
WHAT I WAS SAYING, TO UNDERSTAND IT. 

AND A LOT OF PEOPLE DO NOT WANT TO HUMBLE
THEMSELVES.

THEY'D RATHER... TRY TO HUMBLE ME.

IF THEY KNEW HOW TO, GO FOR IT!

I HUMBLE MYSELF SO I DON'T NEED THAT
AS MUCH AS SOME EGOTISTS DO.

I KNOW WHERE I STARTED FROM!
THAT'S WHY I CAN EVEN SAY IT!

CAN ANYONE ELSE? YES OR NO?

THEN WHY TRY ME LIKE THAT?

AM I TRYING THEM LIKE THAT? NO?

THEN? WHY TRY ME LIKE THAT?

PEOPLE LOOK AT PATIENCE LIKE:
"PASSIVE."

WRONG!

STRENGTH.... IS.... PATIENT.

A LOT OF PEOPLE DON'T SEE THAT.
THEY THOUGHT THEY SAW: PASSIVE.

NOPE. THEY WERE LOOKING AT PATIENCE!

RIGHT IN THE EYES SOMETIMES!
RIGHT.... IN... THE EYES.

SOMETIMES.

COULDN'T LOOK PAST.....?
ASSUMPTIONS!

WHATEVER THEY THOUGHT ABOUT ME
AND THOUGHT THEY SAW IN ME....

AND WHATEVER ELSE WHEN THEY LOOK AT ME.

MY WHOLE LIFE!

RIGHT!

SO THEY HAD LONG ENOUGH?
TO "FIGURE ME OUT"?

THE ONES WHO KNOW ME BEST..... KNOW ME!!!

I CAN SHOW MYSELF TO THEM
BECAUSE I TRUST THEM
BECAUSE I KNOW THAT I CAN.

HAVE I MISPLACED MY TRUST BEFORE? YES!
HAVE I THOUGHT I KNEW PEOPLE?
WELL ENOUGH TO TRUST THEM?
YES?

AND THEN? 

I'VE HAD TO THINK ABOUT TRUST VERY DIFFERENTLY!

IF ANYONE BREAKS IT....
AND DID IT INTENTIONALLY....
THEY INTENTIONALLY DID THAT.

AND THEY CHOSE THAT.

IF THEY CHOSE TO TEST ME.... IN SOME WAY...
THEY CHOSE TO DO THAT.

WHAT ELSE ARE THEY GOING TO CHOOSE TO DO
IF THEY CHOOSE TO DO THAT?

IF THEY PUT ME IN A BOX I DON'T BELONG IN....
AND I TRUSTED THEM NOT TO DO THAT....

WHAT ELSE... ARE THEY GOING TO DO?

IF THEY MISJUDGED ME.....
WHAT ELSE ARE THEY GOING TO DO?

IF THEY ASSUME THINGS ABOUT ME...
WHAT ELSE ARE THEY GOING TO DO?

DO I HAVE TO WANT TO BE AROUND
TO FIND OUT WHAT ELSE THEY WOULD DO?

I CAN CHOOSE FOR MYSELF, ALSO, THOUGH.

THEY HAVE TO REMEMBER THAT.

NOT SURE WHY THEY DON'T SEEM TO.

SOME OF THEM.

LIKE I WASN'T GOING TO RUN OUT OF PATIENCE?
BEING TESTED LIKE THAT?
CONSTANTLY?

THEY THOUGHT I'D ABSORB IT ALL.
ALL THE TIME.

LIKE: "A*** THE SPONGE. JUST SOAK IT UP."

AND WHEN I TOLD THEM THE TRUTH?
"A***'S ATTACKING ME!"
"GET MAD AT A***!"
"SHE SAID SOMETHING TRUE THAT I DON'T LIKE!"
" BECAUSE I DON'T WANT TO LOOK AT IT!"

SO THEN? WHY GO THERE WITH THEM?

BUT? NO.... A*** DIDN'T JUST "ABSORB."
A*** WAS OBSERVING! COOL, EH?

TRY IT SOMETIME!

THE WAY I WAS BEING TESTED?
BECAUSE PEOPLE NOTICED MY REACTIONS...

THE ONES THEY TRY TO GET INTENTIONALLY?

SO THEY CAN TRY TO DO THINGS?
BASED ON HOW I REACT?

YES, I NOTICED THAT.

AND WHEN I GIVE THEM NOTHING TO WORK WITH?
HOW CAN THEY WORK WITH IT?
THEY CAN'T.

AND THEN? THEY GET SCARED.

WHY? BECAUSE THEY WERE NOT EXPECTING
THIS FROM ME.

THAT IS PART OF IT.

AND THE THINGS THEY END UP SEEING
ARE VERY DIFFERENT FROM THE THINGS
THEY STARTED OFF SEEING.

BECAUSE THEY THOUGHT XYZ ABOUT ME.

THAT'S WHY.... I LET PEOPLE SHOW ME...
BUT WHAT HAPPENS WHEN I DON'T SHOW ANYONE?

WHAT HAPPENS WHEN I KEEP A LOT TO MYSELF?

WHY WOULD I DO THAT?
WHY SHOW PEOPLE WHO "ONLY SEE XYZ"?

SHOULD I?

OR? I DON'T HAVE TO?

THAT MOVIE.... ONE FLEW OVER THE CUCKOO'S NEST...
CHIEF.

HE WASN'T DEAF, RIGHT?
PEOPLE JUST ASSUMED HE WAS?

WELL.... IN A MATTER OF SPEAKING...
I'M NOT DEAF.

I'M NOT XYZ.

IN A MATTER OF SPEAKING.

COOL?

THAT'S SOMETHING YOU LEARN...
TO "SURVIVE" WHEN PEOPLE MISTAKE YOU.

LET'S SAY.... THERE WERE TIMES....
I HAD TO PRETEND I DIDN'T SEE THINGS THAT I SAW!

LIVING IN THE 'HOOD.

I CAN PRETEND I DON'T SEE THINGS.
BECAUSE I'VE HAD TO.

I CAN PRETEND A LOT OF THINGS.

JUST BECAUSE I CAN DO IT....
DOESN'T MEAN I LIKE DOING IT.

OR TELLING EVERYTHING I SEE
ALL THE TIME.

WHEN I DO... IT SCARES PEOPLE.
THEY DIDN'T THINK I COULD SEE
AS DEEPLY AS I CAN SEE ON SOME THINGS.

I DON'T WANT TO.

A LOT OF SH*T I WOULD RATHER NOT.

LIKE WHEN THAT DUDE... I DON'T HAVE A NICKNAME
FOR HIM YET...

CAN'T THINK OF ONE RIGHT NOW.

ANYWAY... THAT DUDE...
WHEN HE TEXTED ME....
I JUST... DIDN'T REPLY.

MY NUMBER HAS CHANGED SINCE THEN, ANYWAY...

BUT I DIDN'T HAVE TO REPLY.

PEOPLE THINK THE WRONG THINGS ABOUT ME.
AND THEY CLEARLY MISUNDERSTAND ME.

NOT MUCH I CAN EXPLAIN TO THEM.

SO? THEN?

DO I HAVE TO?

I DIDN'T HAVE TO BE AS BRUTALLY HONEST AS I WAS...
SURE...

BUT HAD I BEEN BRUTALLY DISHONEST?

HAD I LIED?

WHY WOULD I LIE? TO THEM?
TO "GET" SOMETHING I WASN'T TRYING TO "GET"?

NAH. I HAD TO TELL THEM.
BECAUSE THEY DIDN'T ACT LIKE THEY UNDERSTOOD... 

AND WHEN I TRIED TO?
THEY ACT WORSE?
AND KEEP PROTECTING AND OTHER THINGS?

WHEN THEY DON'T HAVE TO DO THAT TO ME?

WHEN I STOP ABSORBING IT....
THEY FEEL THE FULL IMPACT OF IT.

THAT'S HOW ENERGY TRAVELS.
SHOCKING.

THAT'S COOL.

YOU KNOW WHAT I ABSORBED? A LOT.

PUNCHES EVEN.
BS, TOO.

WHEN THEY SEE IT, IN REAL TIME...

WHAT DO THEY DO WITH IT?
WHEN THEY DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH IT?

IF THEY ARE GOOD AT FKING WITH IT...
WHAT DO YOU THINK THEY WILL DO WITH IT?

EVEN WHEN THEY DON'T "WANT" TO?

THEY KNOW HOW TO... BECAUSE THEY DO THAT...

YOU KNOW THEY KNOW HOW TO DO THAT.
BECAUSE YOU'VE SEEN THEM DO IT.

MOST PEOPLE DON'T KNOW WHAT I CAN DO...
BECAUSE THEY HAVEN'T SEEN ME DO IT.

AND THERE ARE SOME REASONS THEY HAVE NOT.

ONE REASON.... I'VE HAD TO PRETEND....
BECAUSE... I KNOW THAT PEOPLE TEST ME.

BECAUSE... I HAVE BEEN TESTED.

SO.... TO TEST WHETHER THEY WOULD TEST ME....
I HAD TO PRETEND SOME THINGS.

MAKES SENSE?

PRETEND THAT I WOULD TOLERATE SOME THINGS
THAT I ACTUALLY DON'T.

TO SEE WHO WOULD TEST MY TOLERANCE.
MORE THAN ONCE.

AND I DID WHAT?

I NOTED.... WHO DID.... AND WHO DIDN'T.

BECAUSE TESTING IT ONCE....? FINE....
BUT MORE THAN ONCE?

BECAUSE I "TOLERATED" SOMETHING?

BECAUSE THEY TESTED ME?

WHY TEST ME?

TO SEE WHAT?

TO SEE IF YOU CAN!!!!!
I SEE THAT!

NOW?

NOW I KNOW THAT YOU WOULD TEST ME.
AND I HAD TO TEST YOU TO SEE WHETHER
OR NOT YOU WOULD.

RIGHT?

I'M NOT DEAF.

I'M NOT XYZ.

THINKING I AM ANYTHING....
MAKES ME ANYTHING?

THINKING ANYONE IS ANYTHING...
MAKES THEM ANYTHING?

SO WHY WOULD THAT MAKE ME ANYTHING?

WHEN SOMEONE DOESN'T KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH ME
I KNOW WHAT I'M DOING WITH THE THINGS
THAT I AM DOING.

AND I AM OKAY WITH THAT.

I WASN'T UPSET THAT 12-YEAR DISCARD LEFT MY LIFE
OR MIRROR SMASHER, OR MY EX, 
OR WHOEVER ELSE.

THEY WERE ALWAYS ALLOWED TO.
WELCOME TO LEAVE ANY TIME!

THE THING IS.... 
IF YOU ACT LIKE A FKTARD, 
ON YOUR WAY OUT....

TRYING TO TRIGGER ME...
OR SOMETHING LIKE THIS...

THAT WAS YOU TESTING ME.

PEOPLE SEEM TO DO THIS.
LIKE WHEN THEY TRY TO GET ME TO FIGHT THEM.

AND THEY TRY TO FK WITH MY FEELINGS.

AND I SEE THAT.

"LIGHT SWITCH. ON OR OFF."

I TURN THE LIGHT OFF.... AND THEY CAN'T SEE.
THEY CAN'T READ ME.
THEY DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO.

UNTIL.... THEY ADJUST.... TO THE DARK.
BUT... THEY NEED TIME TO DO THAT.

THEY CAN CRASH OUT IF THEY CAN'T SEE.
RIGHT?

I KNOW THIS.

I KNOW I CAN TOO.... SO I KNOW THIS:
IF I TURN THE LIGHT ON...
IN MY OWN HOUSE...
I CAN SEE WHAT I'M DOING...
IN MY OWN HOUSE...
WITH MY DOOR LOCKED.

RIGHT?

I SEE WHAT PEOPLE CHOOSE TO DO.
WHEN THEY THINK THEY ARE BEING SLICK.

WHY ARE THEY TRYING TO BE SLICK?

THAT IS WHAT I SEE, TOO.

WOULDN'T YOU?

IF I WAS TRYING TO BE?

BUT WHY WOULD I BE TRYING TO?
WHY WOULD I WANT TO?

I DON'T.

BEING SLICK TAKES TOO MUCH
AND IT'S NOT AUTHENTICITY.

IT IS WHAT IT IS.
ISN'T WHAT IT ISN'T.

I SAW THIS.

NOT THAT I WANTED TO.
NOT THAT I WAS TRYING TO.

IT WAS SHOWN TO ME.
HARD NOT TO SEE SOME OF IT...

IT'S TOO IN-YOUR-FACE NOT TO SEE IT.
THAT'S WHY I HAD TO PRETEND.

SOMETIMES.

NOT THAT I WANTED TO.

AND THAT ISN'T AUTHENTIC.

IT'S A BARRIER, IS WHAT IT IS.
BUT THE THING IS...
BARRIERS ARE ASSUMED TO BE....
OTHER THINGS.