It Did Sting

What also bugs me....
Is when they are JUST FINE ghosting me....
BUT WHEN I WALK AWAY FROM THEIR CRAP....
THEY HAVE A PROBLEM WITH IT?

I was supposed to be "devastated" by it..... Right?

WASN'T THAT WHY THEY DID THAT?
TO TRY TO "DEVASTATE" ME?
EMOTIONALLY?

Welp, I didn't forget about that!

Did it sting? Yeah? 

BUT I HAD 12 YEARS TO LIVE WITHOUT THEM.
AND PICK MYSELF UP.
PICK MY LIFE UP.

Which they could have been doing. Right?

THEY DON'T EVEN REALIZE
WHAT THEY WERE PUTTING ME THROUGH
WHEN THEY DID THAT SH*T TO ME!

AND THEY DIDN'T GAF ABOUT ME
WHILE THEY WERE DOING IT.

What bugged me....
WAS THAT HE PRETENDED TO GAF....
AND HE REALLY FKN DIDN'T!!!!!

WHY PRETEND TO!?
IF YOU DON'T.... YOU DON'T!

SHOULD I PRETEND TO GAF?
OR???? ACTUALLY GAF??????!!!!!!!!

WELP, I ACTUALLY GAVE A FK....
UNTIL I HAD REASONS TO STOP GIVING A FK.

THAT IS WHY I DON'T ANYMORE.

"THEN WHY ARE YOU WRITING ABOUT IT STILL?"

BECAUSE SOME THINGS STILL BUG ME.
THAT IS THE ONLY REASON.

WELL, MAYBE SOME FKTARDUCATION, TOO.

LIKE THAT WORD? I MADE IT UP!
"FK-TARD-UCATION."

FEEL FREE TO USE IT.
ENJOY.

I USED TO COMPROMISE WAY TOO MUCH.
I USED TO "MEET PEOPLE WHERE THEY WERE."

A LOT OF THINGS I USED TO DO.

PEOPLE REMEMBER THINGS THEY DO/DID.
AND WHY THEY DID THOSE THINGS!

THEY REMEMBER.

BUT IT'S NOT FOR ME TO DO ANYTHING WITH.

EVERYTHING THEY REALIZE IS FOR THEM, NOT ME.
EVERYTHING I REALIZE IS FOR ME, NOT THEM.

SURE, I MIGHT WRITE ABOUT THINGS I REALIZED....

NOT TO "HUMBLE" ANYONE...

SO THAT MAYBE THEY WILL THINK ABOUT IT...

WHETHER THEY DO OR NOT...
HAS FK ALL TO DO WITH ME, THOUGH...

"A*** TRUSTED ME AND I DID XYZ...."

REALIZING I WAS NEVER THE ENEMY....
IS A HARD PILL TO SWALLOW.

IF I WAS ABOUT PLAYING THOSE GAMES...
I WOULD HAVE! RIGHT?

NEVER EXPECTED XYZ....

BUT? I COULD HAVE DONE HIM SO DIRTY!

RIGHT? DID I?
NO?

EVEN AFTER HE DID ME LIKE THAT?

WANTED ME TO FEEL A TYPE OF WAY
ABOUT THE CARELESSNESS.

I DID.... BUT... 
THE TRUTH COMES OUT!

IN WAYS THEY DON'T LIKE!

ESPECIALLY? WHEN THEY LIE?
AND WHY?

AFTER I GET SOME THINGS STRAIGHT FOR MYSELF....
I'LL SETTLE SOME OTHER THINGS...

AFTER THAT... MY SLATE IS CLEAN.

ENERGY DOESN'T LIE... EITHER.

SURE, I WAS ANGRY....
BUT IF I ACTED IN ANGER?

INSTEAD OF WRITING ABOUT WHY I WAS ANGRY?
IF I HAD "RETALIATED"?

THAT WOULD HAVE BEEN PUTTING OUT ENERGY
IN THE WRONG WAY
FOR THE WRONG REASONS.

THEY WANTED TO "ANTAGONIZE" AND CRAP.
RIGHT?

SCARE TACTICS DON'T BAIT ME IN.
THEY MAKE ME WANT TO BARF.

"I'M GOING TO BLOCK YOU FOR ONE LAST TIME."

DO YOU THINK THAT'S GOING TO MAKE A DIFFERENCE TO ME?

YOU WERE NOT IN MY LIFE FOR 12 FKN YEARS!!!!!!! RIGHT?
SO WHAT DIFFERENCE WOULD THAT MAKE?????
ANY?
NO?

WHY SAY IT? JUST DO IT! 

HE KNEW WHAT HE WAS DOING THE WHOLE TIME!
ALL THE FKERS DID! 
ALL THE FKTARDS KNOW WHAT THEY ARE DOING!
THEY ARE BEING FKTARDED!
BY CHOICE!

I DON'T HATE THE GUY..... JUST I DO NOT TRUST HIM.
I DON'T WANT TO BE FRIENDS....
AND I DEFINITELY DON'T WANT TO DATE HIM.

THEY THOUGHT THAT I WOULD....
TRY TO COME BACK AROUND....
"NEEDING" THEM....

FOR WHAT?

WAS ANYONE AROUND???? ANYONE?
NO?

IS THAT WHY I BOUNCED BACK?
WITH WHO'S "HELP"?

SO WHY WOULD I "NEED" HIS?

ALL THE "DAMAGE" SOMEONE CAUSES....
THEY GET IT BACK.... TIMES TEN.

IT DOESN'T FEEL GOOD!

BUT??? IT'S NOT SUPPOSED TO.

GASLIGHTING ME....
BECAUSE THEY CAN'T GO DEEPER?

AND THAT'S BECAUSE I'M "CRAZY"?

OR BECAUSE THEY CAN'T?

WHAT THEY THOUGHT WAS GOING TO BE TEMPORARY....
WASN'T!

"A*** NEVER CAME BACK!"
"A*** DOESN'T HAVE MY BACK LIKE SHE WOULD HAVE!"

WELP, "WOULD HAVE."
IF WHAT?

IF HE HAD MINE, TOO?
DID HE? NO?

THE THING IS.... IT USUALLY TAKES A LOT....
A LOT!!!!!! 

TO REALLY P*SS ME OFF.

AND IT'S MOSTLY WHEN PEOPLE GO OUT OF THEIR WAY.....
TO DO THINGS....

THEY KNOW THEY SHOULDN'T BE DOING....

BUT CHOSE TO DO ANYWAY... 

NEVER THOUGHT ANY OF IT WOULD BACKFIRE, EITHER.

I USED TO BE PRETTY FKD UP.... OKAY?
I USED TO DO FKD UP THINGS
FOR FKD UP REASONS...

THAT'S WHAT I KNEW.

I HAD TO CHANGE MYSELF, AND MY LIFE.

NOT JUST BECAUSE SOME SH*T BACKFIRES....
YES, IT DOES....
AND WHEN IT DOES....
IT CAN SCORCH YOU PRETTY BADLY.

IF YOU DO THINGS OUT OF A "DARK PLACE"
YOU GET THINGS FROM THE SAME "DARK PLACE."

HAVE I BEEN SELFISH BEFORE? YEAH?

DID I LEARN SOME THINGS ABOUT THAT? YEAH?

DID I MATURE? YEAH?

NOT JUST BECAUSE "I HAD TO."
NOT JUST BECAUSE I "REALIZED" THINGS.

I HAD MY OWN "LESSONS" TO LEARN!

"THE HARD WAY!" FFS!
WAS IT FUN? NO?

THERE WAS SOMEONE FROM MY PAST
WHO I COULD HAVE BEEN SO MUCH BETTER TO!
WHO TREATED ME THE WAY I HAD WANTED TO BE TREATED!

WAS I FKD UP? WHEN HE AND I WERE DATING? YEAH?
DID HE DESERVE BETTER? YEAH?

I WAS THE ONE WHO ENDED IT.

IT WASN'T BECAUSE OF HIM, THOUGH!
IT WAS BECAUSE I WAS FKD UP...
AND I TRUSTED SOMEONE WHO WAS FKD UP.

IT WASN'T BECAUSE OF HIM!
HE DID EVERYTHING RIGHT!
FOR ALL THE RIGHT REASONS!

COULD I HAVE APPRECIATED HIM MORE THAN I DID?
YEAH?

I WASN'T WITH HIM FOR THE WRONG REASONS, THOUGH.
MY FEELINGS FOR HIM WERE REAL.

HOWEVER, YES, HE DID DESERVE WAY BETTER.
AND NO "SORRY" WOULD MAKE ANY DIFFERENCE.

THAT WAS MY "LESSON."
HE WAS. 

I SAW MYSELF THROUGH HIM.
AFTER THE FACT, YES, BUT I SAW.

THINGS ABOUT MYSELF I NEVER REALLY WANTED TO
ACKNOWLEDGE ABOUT MYSELF.

AND I HAD TO ASK MYSELF, HONESTLY....
"A***, WHY TF ARE YOU LIKE THIS?"

DID I WANT TO ASK MYSELF THAT? NO?
DID I WANT TO BELIEVE I HAD ANY REASONS TO CHANGE? NO?

SHOULD I HAVE BEEN MAKING THOSE CHANGES
WHILE HE AND I WERE TOGETHER?

TO MAKE OUR RELATIONSHIP BETTER?
TO MAKE IT LAST?

TO INCREASE HIS TRUST IN ME?
TO INCREASE MY TRUST IN MYSELF?

TO SHOW HIM THAT I GAF?
ABOUT HIM?
ABOUT US?

ABOUT EVERYTHING HE DID FOR ME?
BECAUSE HE GAF?

YEAH... I SHOULD HAVE.

WAS I READY TO, AT THAT TIME?
I WAS A FKN ALCOHOLIC AT THAT TIME.

DID THAT HAVE ANYTHING TO DO WITH HIM? NO?

ALL MY BS HAD EVERYTHING TO DO WITH ME!!!!!!!!
NOT HIM!!!!!!!!!

SO IF YOU THINK I DON'T FKN KNOW
WHAT IT IS LIKE
TO HAVE TO LEARN A LESSON....

I DO!!!!!!!!!!

I HAVE NO PROBLEM SAYING IT!

SO WHEN I GET A BUNCH OF BS.....
CAN I CRY ABOUT IT?
NO?

WHEN I WISHED 12 YEAR DISCARD WELL....
THAT WAS ME GIVING HIM GRACE!

IF I WENT TO MY EX... TO EVEN APOLOGIZE TO HIM....
WHAT COULD I EVEN EXPECT?

HE COULD HAVE TOLD ME TO FK RIGHT OFF!
RIGHT?

"WHY WAS TRYING TO TEAR A*** DOWN....
SO IMPORTANT TO EVERYONE?"

"WHERE WERE THE BS LIES COMING FROM?"

MOST OF WHAT I TOLD MIRROR SMASHER....
WAS OUT OF LOVE.
WHETHER HE REFUSED TO LISTEN OR NOT....
THAT WAS NEVER UP TO ME.

"WHY SHOULD I LISTEN TO YOU?"

I KNOW IT COMES BACK, THOUGH.
I'VE ALREADY HAD IT BACK.

MANY TIMES.
SO I CAN'T CRY ABOUT IT.

I DIDN'T END THINGS WITH HIM TO HURT HIM.
NEVER MEANT TO HURT HIM, EVER.
HE WAS REAL WITH ME AND TO ME.
HE NEVER DESERVED ANY OF MY BS.

BUT IT WASN'T FOR THE WRONG REASONS.

I NEVER DATED HIM FOR THE WRONG REASONS.
EVEN THOUGH I WAS SELFISH AND IMMATURE.

BUT???? HE DESERVED BETTER THAN ME!!!!!!!!!!
EVEN THOUGH MY FEELINGS WERE REAL!!!!!!!!

I JUST... COULDN'T LOVE HIM
THE WAY HE NEEDED AND DESERVED FROM ME
OR FROM ANYONE ELSE.

I WAS TOO FKD UP TO EVEN BE IN THAT RELATIONSHIP.
IT WASN'T FAIR TO HIM!

NOT BECAUSE I WANTED TO "HURT" HIM.

IT WOULD HAVE BEEN DIFFERENT IF I WANTED TO!
I ALREADY KNEW HE DIDN'T DO ANYTHING
TO ME TO DESERVE THAT!

SO WHY WOULD I WANT TO "HURT" HIM?

IF ANYTHING, I SET HIM FREE!
SO HE COULD BE WITH SOMEONE BETTER THAN ME!

HE DESERVES SOMEONE BETTER THAN ME!
WHO ISN'T AS FKD UP AS I WAS!

YES.... WE BROKE UP A LONG TIME AGO....
BUT??? WILL I ALWAYS HAVE FOND MEMORIES?
OF HIM AND I?

YEAH?

DO I HAVE TO "BEAT MYSELF UP"
FOR NOT BEING SOMEONE WHO COULD LOVE HIM
THE WAY HE DESERVED TO BE LOVED?

NO?

I WAS A FKN FKD UP ALCOHOLIC!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 
NOT THAT IT WAS AN EXCUSE TO BE A POS TO ANYONE!
IT ISN'T!

BUT THAT IS A REASON I WAS FKD UP!
AND WASN'T AT HIS LEVEL!

I KNOW HE COULD HAVE DONE SO MUCH BETTER!

WHAT HE EVER SAW IN ME.... IDK!!!!!!

"WHAT IS IT ABOUT A***
THAT MAKES ME FEEL LIKE ACTING LIKE THIS?"

BECAUSE THERE WAS SOMETHING ABOUT ME
THAT MADE THEM FEEL LIKE ACTING LIKE THEY DID.

WHAT WAS IT? ONLY THEY KNOW.

THERE WAS NO "GROWTH" THERE.

EVEN THOUGH?
THEY CAN EASILY TREAT OTHERS
THE WAY THEY COULD HAVE TREATED ME!

RIGHT?

PEOPLE ARE INTIMIDATED BY ME...
BECAUSE THEY REALIZE
THAT I CAN SEE THINGS...

THAT THEY DON'T WANT TO SEE.
OR EVEN THINK ABOUT.

ANYWAY.... ABOUT THE GUY I DATED...
WHO PUT UP WITH ALL MY BS... 

HE PUT UP WITH IT
MUCH LONGER THAN HE NEEDED TO.

RIGHT?

BECAUSE????
HE DIDN'T WANT TO HURT ME EITHER!

HE SAW MY POTENTIAL, MAYBE....

BUT NONE OF MY BS WAS "ATTRACTIVE."
LET'S JUST SAY THAT.

AND HE WAS EXTREMELY GENEROUS TO ME!
EXTREMELY!

OKAY?

DID I DESERVE ANY OF THAT? NO?
I DIDN'T!

I CAN ADMIT THAT!
I CAN BE HONEST ABOUT THAT!

HE WAS SOMEONE GOOD TO ME...
I RUINED IT. THAT WAS ME, NOT HIM.

WE DATED ALMOST 20 YEARS AGO!
WAS I AT MY BEST BACK THEN? NO?

NOT EVEN CLOSE!

I WAS A SH*TTY GIRLFRIEND!
AND YES.... HE DESERVED BETTER!

IF I WAS FULL OF MYSELF.... 
WOULD I BE ABLE TO EVEN ADMIT THAT?

PROBABLY NOT!

I WOULDN'T SEE WHERE I WENT "WRONG"!
I WOULDN'T BE ABLE TO SAY THAT I FKD UP!
OR THAT I WAS FKD UP!

OR THAT HE DESERVED BETTER!

AT THAT TIME, DID I EVEN KNOW HOW FKD UP I WAS?
DID I SEE HOW I WAS FKD UP?
OR WHY I WAS FKD UP?

DID I SEE ANYTHING? ABOUT MYSELF?
DID I WANT TO?

BUT DID I HAVE TO?

YEAH, I HAD TO. 
IF I DIDN'T SEE IT?

WOULD I STILL BE LIKE THAT?
MAYBE!

BUT ANYONE WHO TRIED TO USE ME
AS A "SOURCE"
HAS A HARD TIME TRYING TO FIND ANOTHER ONE.

BECAUSE I ACTUALLY CARED.

THEY CAN'T FIND PEOPLE WHO ACTUALLY CARE....
BECAUSE MOST DO NOT GAF!

THEY DON'T!
AND THEY FIND OUT!

THEY DIDN'T WANT ME TO "WAKE UP."
TO SOME FACTS... 

BUT.... I DID. 

ONCE YOU DO..... 
YOU DON'T UNSEE THE THINGS YOU WILL SEE!

THE MORE THAT YOU DO SEE... 
THE MORE THAT YOU CAN SEE.

THAT.... INCREASES.... YOUR????
AWARENESS!

DID I WANT TO LOOK AT MYSELF? NO?
WHY WAS THAT?

BECAUSE THERE WERE SOME THINGS...
THAT OBVIOUSLY WERE NOT COOL
ABOUT ME.

ABOUT ME, ABOUT WHAT I WAS DOING....
AND WHY I WAS DOING IT.

THERE'S NOTHING WRONG WITH EXAMINING
THOSE THINGS ABOUT OURSELVES.

IS IT EASY? IS IT FUN?
DOES IT FEEL GOOD?

NO! IT ISN'T!
IT DOESN'T.

I HAD FKN ANXIETY ATTACKS.... AND THINGS LIKE THAT....
WHEN I FIRST STARTED LOOKING AT MYSELF... OKAY?

IT AFFECTED MY SLEEP!
AND OTHER THINGS!

YES, IT WAS SHAME STUFF....
BUT ACTUAL GUILT STUFF, TOO.

I REALIZE HOW MY BS LOOKED. OKAY?
HOW IT LOOKED ON ME!

WHEN I SAW IT.... HOW COULD I NOT SEE IT?

DID IT TAKE A LOT FOR ME TO SEE IT? YEAH?
A LONG TIME TO SEE IT? YEAH?

YES.... IT TOOK ME A LOT TO SEE IT.
IT TOOK ME FAR TOO LONG TO SEE IT, TOO.

AND SEEING IT, NOW....
DOESN'T MEAN HE OWES ME ANOTHER CHANCE.

IF HE WANTED TO GIVE ME ONE, I'D LIKELY TAKE IT...
I'M IN A BETTER PLACE THAN I WAS, NOW...

BUT HE DOESN'T OWE ME ANYTHING.

IF ANYTHING, I OWE HIM.

AND MAYBE I MIGHT BE IN A PLACE
WHERE I CAN.... SOMEHOW MAKE THINGS UP TO HIM...

IF I EVER GET THE CHANCE TO DO THAT... I WOULD.

NOT THAT HE'D BE EXPECTING THAT...
HE COULD BE MARRIED NOW... FOR ALL I KNOW.

AND EVEN SO... MAKING IT UP TO HIM...
WOULDN'T BE ABOUT TRYING TO GET BACK WITH HIM.

IT WOULD BE ABOUT ACKNOWLEDGING
THAT HE DESERVED BETTER FROM ME ALL ALONG.

THAT'S ALL. EVEN THOUGH HE KNOWS IT.

AND IF HE DOESN'T, HE SHOULD.
THAT'S ALL THAT IT WOULD BE ABOUT.

BECAUSE HAD I BEEN AT HIS LEVEL....
WE COULD HAVE MADE THINGS WORK.
WE WOULD HAVE BEEN HAPPY TOGETHER.

WE'D HAVE GOTTEN MARRIED.
LIKELY.

I WAS THE ONE WHO FKD IT UP, NOT HIM.

ANYWAY... THAT WAS.... THAT RELATIONSHIP.
THAT'S WHERE I WAS AT.... WHEN HE AND I DATED.

LIKE 20 YEARS AGO.
AND I'VE ONLY BEEN SOBER FOR 12 YEARS.

I WISH I HAD BEEN "READY." FOR HIM.
FOR WHAT HE WAS OFFERING TO ME.
TO BE BETTER THAN I WAS.

BECAUSE HE DESERVED THAT.

SO I HAD TO SEE SOME THINGS....
THAT WEREN'T EASY TO SEE.

WASN'T PLEASANT TO SEE MYSELF AS I WAS!
DIDN'T FEEL GOOD!

TO ASK MYSELF SOME THINGS I COULD HAVE ASKED MYSELF...
A VERY LONG TIME AGO.

PART OF WHY I ASK CERTAIN QUESTIONS ON HERE.

BECAUSE A LOT OF THINGS I COULD HAVE ASKED MYSELF....
THAT I WASN'T ASKING MYSELF.

COULD HAVE ASKED MYSELF A LONG TIME AGO!!!!!!!!!
BUT WAS I????? NO?

I WASN'T???? 

WHO WAS RESPONSIBLE FOR FACILITATING MY GROWTH?
HIM???? NO???

ME! I WAS RESPONSIBLE FOR THAT....
FOR BEING AS FKD UP AS I WAS...
FOR CHOOSING WHAT I CHOSE...
FOR ALL KINDS OF THINGS THAT PERTAIN TO ME.

I AM! NOT HIM... NOBODY ELSE. I AM.

BUT BECAUSE I DO MAKE SOME CHANGES...
SOME PEOPLE LOOK TO ME
LIKE I'M GOING TO BE
THEIR FACILITATOR....

EVEN THOUGH....
I AM NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR THAT.
THEY ARE.

I'M NOT OBLIGATED TO ALWAYS BE THERE.
SO ASSUMING THAT I WOULD BE....

KINDA FOOLISH. RIGHT?

I HAD TO RELEASE SOME THINGS. RIGHT?

IF I DIDN'T BREAK SOMETHING....
I SHOULDN'T HAVE HAD TO "FIX" IT.

AND IF THEY TAKE TOO LONG.....
WHY WOULD I BE INTERESTED?

AM I SUPPOSED TO BE EXACTLY WHERE THEY LEFT ME?
WONDERING WHY THEY TOOK AS LONG AS THEY DID?

OR???? WAS I ALLOWED TO JUST....
NOT BE INTERESTED ANYMORE?

AND WHEN THEY FINALLY APPROACH ME... 
ARE THEY TRYING TO GET SOMETHING FROM ME?

AN OPPORTUNITY.... TO APOLOGIZE TO ME...
ISN'T AN OPPORTUNITY TO BE IN MY LIFE AGAIN.

BECAUSE THEY COULD HAVE BEEN AND WEREN'T.

OFTEN.... THEY ARE AFRAID TO APPROACH ME
AFTER HOW THEY DID ME.

THAT'S WHY IT CAN TAKE A LONG TIME.
TO EVEN TRY TO.

BUT WHEN THEY TRY TO....
THEY ALREADY TOOK TOO LONG...

AND... THEY COME ACROSS AS SOMEONE
WHO WANTS SOMETHING FROM ME.

HAD ENOUGH OF PEOPLE
WANTING THINGS FROM ME. 

OKAY? ENOUGH OF THAT.
AND THOSE KINDS OF PEOPLE.

THE THING IS.... I KNEW THAT 12 YEAR DISCARD....
WAS INSECURE.
I KNEW THIS ABOUT HIM.

I DIDN'T GAF ABOUT HIS INSECURITIES.
BUT WHAT I DID GAF ABOUT
WAS.... TRYING TO MAKE ME FEEL INSECURE....

ABOUT MYSELF.

THAT SH*T ISN'T COOL.

BUT I HAD TO MAKE CHANGES... 
WITHOUT HIM.

TO MYSELF AND MY OWN LIFE.
WITHOUT HIM.

MIRROR SMASHER HAD INSECURITIES TOO!

IF HE DIDN'T.... WHY WOULD HE FEEL
"EMASCULATED" BY ME....
FOR JUST TELLING HIM THE TRUTH?

IS THE TRUTH "EMASCULATING"?
OR JUST THE TRUTH?

AM I TRYING TO "EMASCULATE" YOU?
OR AM I BEING HONEST WITH YOU?

BECAUSE.... COMING FROM SOMEONE ELSE...
SOMEONE THEY RESPECTED....
THEY'D TAKE IT DIFFERENTLY?
MAYBE?

THESE FKTARDS.... WANTED ME TO "FIGHT"
TO "SHOW THEM" THAT I "CARED."

IF THEY NEEDED "ASSURANCE" FROM ME...
THERE ARE OTHER WAYS OF GETTING IT.

NOT LIKE THAT. THAT IS BS.
NOT NECESSARY.
NOT ATTRACTIVE.
NOT COOL.

YES.... I SEE PEOPLE'S INSECURITIES.
BUT? DO I EXPLOIT THEM? NO?

DO I HAVE ANYTHING TO EXPLOIT THEM FOR?
DO I EVEN WANT TO BE LIKE THAT? NO?
THAT'S WHY I'M NOT LIKE THAT?

NOT A LOT OF PEOPLE WHO SEE SOMEONE'S INSECURITIES...
WILL STILL ACCEPT THEM.
OR WILL TRY TO DEAL WITH THEM.
OR WANT TO TRY TO DEAL WITH THEM....
JUST TO DEAL WITH THEM....
WITHOUT WANTING ANYTHING.

I HAVE MY OWN STUFF, RIGHT?

WHY DID THEY HAVE TO "SEE ME IN A DIFFERENT LIGHT"
TO EVEN SEE ME AT ALL?

BECAUSE???? PEOPLE LIED TO THEM ABOUT ME?
AND THEN..... THEY REALIZE THAT IT WAS A LIE?

AND THAT IF THEY BELIEVED THE LIES...
THEY WOULDN'T WANT TO DEAL WITH ME?

THAT IS WHY THEY WERE MADE TO BELIEVE
WHATEVER IT WAS ABOUT ME?

"IF I GET THIS DUDE TO LOOK AT A*** LIKE SHE'S XYZ...."
"THAT DUDE WON'T WANT TO DEAL WITH HER ANYMORE."

IMAGINE THAT?

BECAUSE THERE ARE SOME WOMEN WHO GET JEALOUS
AND PETTY ABOUT ME BEING WITH SOMEONE?

WHEN THEY COULD HAVE JUST.... NOT INTERFERED?

THAT SH*T IS STILL DISAPPOINTING... BUT IT IS WHAT IT IS.

THIS IS WHY I RARELY DEAL WITH OTHER FEMALES.

PART OF WHY....

IT'S JUST FELT EASIER TO BE MYSELF AROUND GUYS.

CAN'T REALLY EXPLAIN THAT.

I HAVEN'T FELT "OKAY" TO BE MYSELF
AROUND OTHER FEMALES.

I'VE MOSTLY BEEN A TOMBOY.

A LOT OF DUDES DON'T REALLY DIG THAT...
THEY LIKE FEMININE CHICKS....

CHICKS WHO DRESS LIKE CHICKS...
CHICKS WHO WEAR MAKEUP
AND DO THE FEMALE STUFF.

WHICH IS FINE.
IF THAT'S WHAT THEY LIKE, THEY LIKE THAT.

I'M JUST.... NOT... THAT.

IF THAT'S WHAT THEY ARE INTO....
THEY CAN JUST SAY THAT.

I REMEMBER... WHEN I WAS LIKE 15 OR SO...
THERE WAS A GUY...

WHO WANTED TO DATE ME.

THE WAY HE APPROACHED IT, THOUGH....
"I'LL BUY THE THINGS THAT WILL MAKE YOU PRETTY."

THAT IS WHAT HE SAID.

GRANTED HE WAS PROBABLY DRUNK....
WE ALL DRANK....
AT THAT PLACE....

BUT.... THAT CRAP... ISN'T ME.

WAS THE WRONG WAY TO APPROACH ME...
TO ACTUALLY DATE ME....

BUT... AT LEAST KNOW....
THAT CRAP ISN'T ME...

I KNEW IT WOULD NOT WORK....
BECAUSE HE OBVIOUSLY DIDN'T KNOW ME.

PART OF WHY HE DIDN'T KNOW ME...
WAS WHEN WE FIRST MET....
HE WAS WITH SOMEONE...
SO HE HAD NO REASON TO KNOW ME.

WHICH WAS FINE.

BUT.... HE.... DIDN'T KNOW ME.

SO WHY WOULD I WANT TO DATE HIM?

MAYBE.... GIRLS WANT TO BE CONSIDERED "PRETTY"
WITHOUT ANY OF THAT CRAP.

MAYBE... THEY WANT A DUDE
TO KNOW WHAT KIND OF GIRL THEY ARE.

I "TRIGGER" PEOPLE OFTEN.

AND WHAT THEY DO....
IS THEY TRY TO "BRING ME DOWN"
TO FEEL "HIGHER" THAN ME.

THEY'LL BE "NICE" TO ME...
GET MY "TRUST"

AND THEN TRY TO "HUMILIATE" ME.

AND I DIDN'T THINK PEOPLE WOULD DO
THAT BS TO ME.

WHY WOULD I THINK THEY WOULD DO THAT?!

DID I DO ANYTHING TO THEM?
FOR THEM TO DO THAT? NO?

THEN WHY WOULD I THINK THEY WOULD DO THAT?

"IF I CAN GET A***, I CAN GET BETTER THAN A***."
OKAY. COOL.
DIDN'T THINK THEY WERE LIKE THAT.

BUT THEY CHOSE TO BE LIKE THAT.

BECAUSE THEY CHOSE TO BE LIKE THAT, 
I DON'T FKN NEED THAT.... 

IF SOMEONE NEEDS TO COMPARE ME TO SOMEONE....
THEY CAN HAVE WHOEVER THEY WERE COMPARING ME TO.

IF THEY GO OUT OF THEIR WAY.... TO DO XYZ... 
THEY ARE CHOOSING TO GO OUT OF THEIR WAY...
TO DO XYZ!

THE ONLY TIME I "HUMILIATE" ANYONE....
IS WHEN THEY TRY TO DO THAT SH*T TO ME.

AND SOMETIMES SOME PEOPLE ARE ACTUAL "HATERS"
WHEN THEY PRETEND TO LIKE YOU.

"I'M NOT YOUR EMOTIONAL PUNCHING BAG."
BUT I'M YOURS????!!!! WTF????

"IF THEY NEED ME... I CAN XYZ..."
THAT'S WHY THEY WANTED ME TO NEED THEM.

AND I DIDN'T KNOW WHY....
ANYONE WAS ACTING LIKE THAT TO ME.

"I WANT WHAT SHE HAS."

"HOW CAN SHE GET XYZ? NOT FAIR!"

DO YOU THINK THAT SH*T WAS EASY????
NO, IT WASN'T.

SOME PEOPLE LITERALLY WANT ME TO SUFFER...
BECAUSE THEY ARE TRYING TO "BE BETTER" THAN ME.

AND I'M OVER HERE... WONDERING WHY...
THEY WOULD ACT LIKE THAT AT ALL.

I DIDN'T THINK THEY WOULD HAVE ANY REASON!
TO ACT LIKE THAT!

I CAN'T EVEN HOPE THAT THEY WILL CHANGE....
BECAUSE THEY DON'T WANT TO!

THEY WANT WHAT I "HAVE"
BUT THEY DON'T WANT TO DO THE "WORK"
TO GET IT!

HINT: "IF YOU DON'T GO WITHIN.... YOU GO WITHOUT!"

AS SOON AS THEY SWITCH ON ME... IT'S OVER.
JUST LIKE THAT.

CAN I BE WITH SOMEONE WHO WOULD SWITCH ON ME?
NO?

BECAUSE THERE'S NOTHING THERE!

NOTHING BUT??? SWITCHING UP!
AND WHATEVER BS CAUSED THAT SH*T.

BETRAYAL CAN COME OUT OF FKN NOWHERE!

AND WHEN IT DOES...... CAN I UNSEE THAT?

BUT? THEY CHOSE TO MOVE LIKE THAT?

DO MY OPPORTUNITIES "STOP"
JUST BECAUSE OF SOMEONE?

NO?

"WAIT! A*** ACTUALLY IS WHO SHE SAYS SHE IS?"
"AND I HAD NO REAL REASON TO DO HER LIKE THAT?"
"I DIDN'T WANT TO SEE HER SUCCEED IF I WASN'T!
EVEN THOUGH SHE WOULD HAVE HELPED ME?"

AND WHEN IT IS OVER.... IT IS. JUST THAT. OKAY.

IF WE WERE COOL, AND NOW WE AREN'T....
DID YOU MAKE IT THAT WAY?

IF YOU DID.... THAT IS WHY WE'RE NOT COOL ANYMORE.
JUST THAT.

BECAUSE? WE COULD HAVE BEEN COOL?
ESPECIALLY IF WE ONCE WERE?

THEN WHAT? WHY? JUST THAT.