Changes

I feel like.... Something might happen.

Something pretty decent....
And something.... I don't know yet.

Some people try to talk sh*t like...
TRYING TO TELL ME WHAT I THINK.
BECAUSE THEY THINK
THAT I THINK SOMETHING.

STRANGE.

I do feel the seasonal change.... But it's not just that.
You know how creatures prepare for winter...

It feels like I'm "preparing" for something, but energetically.

Anyway, I will admit that I was in a fktarded place at one time.
BECAUSE OF UNHEALTHY SH*T
THAT I HAD TO LET GO OF.

I KNOW THAT PEOPLE CAN CHANGE.

12 YEAR DISCARD COULD CHANGE, YEAH.
BUT I REMEMBER A LOT OF CRAP.

PUSHED ME AWAY.
SO? WHY WOULD I WANT TO BE CLOSE?
HARD TO TRUST? YEAH?
FOR ME, TOO.
BECAUSE OF THAT.

I get that people can be so fktarded....
THAT THEY DON'T SEE IT.

BUT FKTARDED PEOPLE
CAN'T HAVE A HEALTHY RELATIONSHIP.
OR PARTNERSHIP.

I DON'T WANT TO GO THROUGH THAT SH*T.

BEEN THERE, DONE THAT. Y'KNOW?

WOULD ANYONE EVEN KNOW ME? NO?

SO I DON'T EXPECT TO HAVE ANYTHING.
WHY WOULD I?

When someone was made to feel like they weren't worth sh*t....
It's easy to project that sh*t onto people....

INSTEAD OF NOT DOING IT.
JUST NOT DOING IT.

KIND OF HOW MIRROR SMASHER ACTED
WHEN I TOLD HIM. 

WHAT I HAD TO.
OTHERWISE THAT WOULD HAVE... 
JUST....

BUT... HOW DID THAT GO?

WHY DID I?
NOT SURE ANYMORE.

I THOUGHT SOME THINGS, I GUESS.
I WAS WRONG. THAT'S OKAY.

IT'S EASY TO CHOOSE WHAT THEY WERE USED TO.
WHAT THEY THOUGHT WAS... 

"LOVE."

BUT A LOT OF WHAT I THOUGHT IT WAS...
FROM GROWING UP FKTARDEDLY....

WASN'T THAT.

A LOT OF MY RELATIONSHIPS....
WERE FKD UP.... 
BECAUSE 

1) I WAS FKD UP
2) THE PERSON I WAS WITH WAS FKD UP

3) WE DIDN'T KNOW WHAT WASN'T FKD UP

A LOT OF AVOIDANCE.

SOME OF IT I STILL DO, BUT.... SOME OF IT I DON'T.

SOMEONE SAID SOMETHING ABOUT IDENTITY.
SHE WAS SAYING THAT.... WE BECAME HOW WE BECAME
BECAUSE OF OUR EXPERIENCES...
ESPECIALLY IN CHILDHOOD.

DRINKING... WAS AN AVOIDANCE.

BECAUSE THERE WERE A LOT OF THINGS....
*COUGH* (FEELINGS)
I DIDN'T KNOW HOW TO DEAL WITH.

AND THINGS I DIDN'T WANT TO THINK ABOUT
BECAUSE:

1) I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW WHAT TO THINK ABOUT
2) SOME THINGS I REALLY DIDN'T WANT TO THINK ABOUT
3) I WAS USED TO THINKING ABOUT SOME THINGS
4) I WASN'T USED TO THINKING ABOUT SOME THINGS

I HAD TO GET USED TO THINKING ABOUT SOME THINGS.

NOT EASY. ESPECIALLY HARD THINGS TO THINK ABOUT.
NOT FUN.

BUT THERE ARE THINGS I WASN'T THINKING ABOUT.

I WASN'T READY TO.

BUT WHEN DID I BECOME READY TO?
WHEN I HAD TO HOLD MY OWN FEET TO THE FIRE.

TO DO THAT FOR MYSELF.

WHAT IS WEIRD TO ME....
IS HE POPPED UP AROUND THE TIME MY FRIEND AND I
HUNG OUT.

I GUESS THE RUMOR STARTED THAT I STARTED DATING LOL!

WAS HE COMING AT ME OUT OF JEALOUSY?

LIKE "A***'S STARTING TO DATE AGAIN!"
"BETTER GET IN THERE!"?

WAS I EVEN DATING, THOUGH?
OR DID I HAVE LUNCH WITH A FRIEND?

WHY BE WATCHING ME IN MY "LOVE LIFE"
WASN'T HE "TOO BUSY" DOING XYZ?

I DON'T EVEN HAVE A LOVE LIFE!

WANTED TO ARGUE WITH ME ONE LAST TIME?
FOR WHAT?

HAD NOTHING TO SAY TO ME FOR 12 YEARS....
THEN BAM! "HERE I AM!"

JUST SEEMED WEIRD.

"A*** WAS IN PUBLIC WITH A MALE! OMG!"
"PANIC IN THE DISCO!"

Not sure why I've felt like this, actually.

It does feel like an "ending," but I ended it
BECAUSE HE ALREADY DID.

I FEEL KIND OF ON A CUSP.
LIKE I'M GRASPING FOR PEACE 
THAT I THOUGHT I HAD...
BECAUSE I DIDN'T WANT ANYTHING FROM HIM.
DEFINITELY NOT 12 YEARS LATER...

AND HOW HE ACTED... WHEN I DIDN'T WANT TO
GO THROUGH THAT AGAIN....

SAID THAT I'D HAVE TO... NO THANKS.

BUT ANOTHER VERSION OF ME
WOULD HAVE TOLD HIM TO FK OFF.
I DIDN'T.

I TOLD MIRROR SMASHER TO FK OFF, THOUGH.
HE PUSHED ME TO THAT POINT.

I THINK THAT SH*T WAS SO I COULD...
COME HOME.

MAYBE THAT'S WHAT THAT FEELING IS.

BUT ALSO GRIEF, AGAIN.
I FELT THAT GRIEF FEELING WHEN THINGS WERE CHANGING.
WHEN I FIRST QUIT DRINKING.

MAYBE HE FELT THAT BECAUSE HE WAS GETTING SOBER,
BUT THAT HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH ME.

JUST THE BACK-AND-FORTH CRAP.... DID THAT SH*T.
JUST HAVE A DAMN CONVO!
IF YOU CAN'T.... JUST FK OFF.

BEING LEFT LIKE THAT....
SHOWED ME SOME THINGS.
THAT SH*T HAD NOTHING TO DO WITH ME.

THAT SH*T WAS BACK THEN. RIGHT?
AND IF HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE IN MY LIFE...
HE WOULD HAVE BEEN IN IT.

WAS HE TRYING TO "TEMPT" ME OR SOMETHING?
LIKE "THIS IS WHAT YOU WANTED IN THE PAST..."

TO SEE HOW I WOULD MOVE?

MY TEST?

I KEEP TRYING TO SLEEP. IT'S NOT HAPPENING.

IT WILL. JUST A LOT GOING ON IN MY HEAD.

WITH THIS PROJECT... AND OTHER THINGS.

I'M THINKING ABOUT PUTTING SOMEONE ON IT
WITH ME.

WE'LL SEE.
I CAN ASK AND OFFER. RIGHT?

AND IF I HAVE TO DO THIS ONE ON MY OWN...
THAT IS OKAY.... BUT IT IS AN OPPORTUNITY
AND IT'S ONLY FOR SOMEONE I CAN TRUST.

OTHERWISE I'LL DO IT "ALONE."

LIKE MOST THINGS HAHA.

---------------------------------------

The kind of tired.... I can't fix it with sleep.

Where was his "I want to talk" in the last 12 years?
WHEN I WAS RIGHT THERE?

AND WHEN I WANTED TO TALK?
WHAT HAPPENED WHEN I WANTED TO TALK?

ALL OF A SUDDEN, I'M "TOXIC" AS AN "EXCUSE"
NOT TO TALK TO ME?

HE LITERALLY SAID TO ME:
"YOU'RE ONLY ANGRY BECAUSE YOU'RE DRUNK!"

I QUIT DRINKING SO HE WOULDN'T HAVE ANY 
"AMMUNITION"!

THAT'S HOW I KNOW IT'S BEEN 12 YEARS!

BECAUSE I'VE BEEN SOBER FOR 12 YEARS!

NOT BECAUSE I WAS COUNTING THE DAYS
OR SOME SH*T LIKE THAT.

ONCE HE BOUNCED... SO DID I.

THOUGHT HE BOUNCED, THOUGH.
SO WHY COME "BACK"?

TO DO SOME MORE BS?
OR TRY SOME?

Anyway.... Why act entitled to me coming back?
NOBODY IS ENTITLED
TO ACCESS ME.

NOT 12 YEARS LATER.
NOT AFTER THAT SH*T.

THAT BOTHERED ME. A LOT.

WHY BE A D*CK TO ME
AND TRY TO ACT LIKE THEY DIDN'T?

LIKE THEY WEREN'T?
FKN ARROGANCE.

That grinds my gears so much!

HE'S NOT THE ONLY ONE WHO'S DONE
SIMILAR THINGS.

ANYWAY..... I NEED TO GET THIS OFF MY MIND.

SOMEONE WAS SAYING THAT THERE'S A WAY
TO GET UNSTUCK FROM THIS.

THERE IS.
I'VE BEEN OUT OF THIS BEFORE.

OUT OF IT AND AWAY FROM IT.

I NEED TO GET OUT OF HERE TO GRAB SOMETHING SOON.
BEFORE THE STORE CLOSES.

WHAT BUGS ME IS HOW SOMEONE WHO DID ME WRONG
WANT TO PLAY THE VICTIM.

LIKE I HURT THEM JUST BECAUSE IF THEY CAN'T DO "REAL TALK"
THERE ISN'T A POINT IN TALKING.

RIGHT?

REAL TALK OR STFU.

WHAT'S GONE IS GONE. RIGHT?
DONE IS DONE. GONE IS GONE.

ANYWAY, I SHOULD GET OUT THERE.
GET THAT STUFF.... BRB.