Surprised It Went Up That High

Surprised the views went up that high. 
They are coming back down like I knew they would.
Just surprised they went up that high. 

Wasn't expecting that at all. 

A LOT I WASN'T EXPECTING....
ESPECIALLY THE LAST 12 YEARS...

But... I had to learn something because of all of it.
SUCKS TO HAVE TO LEARN THAT WAY....

BUT.... OKAY. 

Learned about some people....
WHO I THOUGHT WERE DIFFERENT
FROM WHAT THEY SHOWED ME... 

Was asked some things for a reason...
I asked why: "Just curious."

No. There was another reason other than that.
Curiosity is a "blanket reason."

WHEN YOU DON'T WANT TO SAY THE ACTUAL REASON.

I know that there was another reason....
Other than curiosity. 

"Do you ever get lonely?"

NO.... BUT.... WHY DO YOU WANT TO KNOW?

ASKED.... BECAUSE.... HE WANTED TO KNOW.

BECAUSE IF I DID.... HE COULD OFFER?
AND IF I ASKED WHY...
HE COULD JUST SAY HE WAS CURIOUS?

DO YOU REALLY WANT TO KNOW THAT?
FOR "NO REASON"?

JUST OUT OF "CURIOSITY"?

No. There was a reason for that PARTICULAR QUESTION. 

Maybe in my 20s.... But????? What were my 20s like?
BECAUSE OF BEING "LONELY"? LOL.

YEAH. THAT'S WHAT.

"LONELINESS" ISN'T A GOOD ENOUGH REASON
FOR ME TO BE INTERESTED IN ANY OF THAT.

IT WASN'T THEN, AND IT ISN'T NOW.

EVEN SEEING "POTENTIAL" ISN'T A GOOD ENOUGH "REASON."

I DON'T HAVE A GOOD ENOUGH REASON.

AND AM ALLOWED TO JUST....
NOT BE INTERESTED.

AND HE WANTED TO MAKE IT ABOUT....
BEING "HURT" TOO MANY TIMES.

NOT THAT.
I'M MORE FKN DISAPPOINTED THAN "HURT."

I'M NOT IN "PAIN" OVER ANY FKR....
WHO JUST WANTED TO PLAY GAMES.

DISAPPOINTED????? YEAH. 

AND IF THEY TRUST THE WRONG PERSON....
OVER ME.... 

THAT IS NOT MY PROBLEM!!!!! NOT AT ALL.

THEY CAN DISAPPOINT THEMSELVES FOR ALL I CARE.

AND EVERYONE WHO DISAPPOINTS THEM.... 
THEY CAN HAVE THAT.

ESPECIALLY.... IF THEY DO THINGS
THAT I WOULDN'T HAVE DONE.

I'M OKAY WITH THAT.

But... I know why.... People ask questions.

BECAUSE THEY WANT TO KNOW.
AND WHY THEY WANT TO KNOW.....
HAS TO DO WITH SOMETHING.

IF THEY DON'T WANT TO BE HONEST ABOUT IT...

THAT MAKES ME QUESTION
THEIR QUESTIONS EVEN MORE!

And if they convince themselves that I'm not interested
BECAUSE I'VE BEEN "HURT"

THERE ISN'T ANYTHING I CAN FKN SAY
BECAUSE THEY ALREADY
CONVINCED THEMSELVES OF THAT.

AND THEY'LL CONVINCE THEMSELVES
OF OTHER THINGS, TOO. 

NOT HERE TO CONVINCE ANYONE
OF ANYTHING.
EVEN MY REASONS
THAT I'M NOT INTERESTED. 

1) I AM ALLOWED NOT TO BE INTERESTED.

Good enough reason, eh?
I think so!!!!!

Does some "need" to have been "hurt"
TO JUST NOT BE INTERESTED?
IN HAVING S*X?

OR.... COULD THEY....
JUST.... NOT BE.... INTERESTED.... IN THAT?

COULD THEY... JUST BE ALLOWED THAT?

ALLOWED NOT TO BE INTERESTED IN THAT?

Put it this way:

IS EVERYONE INTERESTED IN KNITTING? NO?
WELP.... NOT EVERYONE IS INTERESTED IN S*X!!!!!!

AMAZING!

ARE PEOPLE ALLOWED NOT TO BE INTERESTED IN KNITTING?
YEAH? THEY ARE????

THEN.... WHY CAN'T PEOPLE NOT BE INTERESTED IN S*X?

DO THEY HAVE TO HAVE A "REASON"
LIKE: "THEY MUST HAVE BEEN HURT TOO MANY TIMES"?

TO MAKE IT MAKE SENSE TO THEMSELVES....

"I'M INTERESTED... SO IT DOESN'T MAKE SENSE WHY THEY AREN'T."

WOULD IT MAKE SENSE TO ME, AS A KNITTER
THAT KNITTING ISN'T INTERESTING TO EVERYONE?

WELP, SAME THING. 

IT'D BE LIKE.... IF I ASSUMED THAT BECAUSE KNITTING
IS SUPER INTERESTING TO ME....
THAT IT WOULD INTEREST EVERYONE....

IT DOESN'T. RIGHT?

ARE THERE OTHER THINGS TO THINK ABOUT?
OTHER THAN KNITTING? YEAH?

WELL... THERE ARE OTHER THINGS
TO THINK ABOUT....
OTHER THAN S*X. 

BUT..... 

HOW TF DO YOU EXPLAIN THAT TO ANYONE?
WHO MAKES ASSUMPTIONS....
ABOUT ME....
AND MY REASONS FOR ANYTHING?

COULD THEY HAVE ASKED?

"IS IT BECAUSE YOU WERE HURT?
BECAUSE USUALLY THAT'S WHAT IT IS."

YOU CAN'T MAKE ASSUMPTIONS
ABOUT MY REASONS
BASED ON OTHER PEOPLE'S REASONS.

THAT'D BE LIKE.....
ALL PEOPLE WHO AREN'T INTERESTED IN KNITTING....
ARE "HURT" 
OR "HATE ART"
OR WHATEVER TF "THE USUAL REASON" IS.

SEE HOW SILLY THAT IS? IT'S SILLY.

LIKE ASSUMING I'M "TOXIC"
FOR HAVING BOUNDARIES....
AND NOT BEING INTERESTED IN BS.

WHY? DIDN'T GET WHAT THEY WANTED?

AND I OWE THEM WHAT????! ANYTHING? NO?????
DIDN'T OWE ANYTHING? OR A SECOND CHANCE?
AFTER THAT SH*T?

SO THEN?????? WHY WANT ANYTHING FROM ME????

DO I WANT ANYTHING FROM HIM?
WHAT DID I EVEN WANT????? HMMM?

DID ANYONE KNOW? NO??????

SO THEY CAN'T ASSUME FK ALL....
AND THEN ASSUME THEIR ASSUMPTIONS ARE FACTS... 

SILLY! 

Like as silly as it was to think that having ANY feelings
"MUST HAVE MEANT I WAS DESPERATE."
So why not TREAT ME AS THOUGH I was????!
Fk that sh*t. 

If I was SO DESPERATE... Why am I doing so much better on my own?

Hmmm?

I don't have to convince anyone of anything about me.
Just so damn silly to assume things......

IT ISN'T ACTUALLY FAIR....
AND THAT IS WHAT P*SSED ME OFF.
IF ANYTHING.

NOT BECAUSE THEY DIDN'T FEEL HOW I FELT.
I'M A BIG GIRL.

AND IT'S NOT LIKE I'M ATTRACTED TO EVERYONE, EITHER.

I CAN UNDERSTAND IF SOMEONE
ISN'T ATTRACTED TO ME
OR SOMETHING LIKE THIS.

BUT ALL THEY HAD TO DO......
WAS WHAT??????? TELL ME THAT!!!!!!!!!!

NO NEED TO FK ACT LIKE A D*CK 
ABOUT THAT OR ANYTHING ELSE.

RIGHT?

SHOULD I BE A B*TCH TO SOMEONE?
JUST BECAUSE I'M NOT ATTRACTED TO THEM?

WHY WOULD I DO THAT?

COULDN'T I JUST BE HONEST? ABOUT ANYTHING?

SHOULDN'T I BE?

BUT... I DON'T HAVE TO BE A B*TCH ABOUT THAT.
OR ANYTHING ELSE....

SO???? THEN?????
DO THEY HAVE TO TRY TO BE A D*CK TO ME??????
ABOUT THAT?????

OR ANYTHING ELSE?????

WHEN THEY COULD...... JUST BE HONEST?

I'VE BEEN MINIMIZED BY DUDES BEFORE.
BECAUSE THEY WEREN'T ATTRACTED TO ME.
WASN'T THEIR TYPE. 

AND IF I WASN'T..... THEY SHOULD HAVE....
JUST TOLD ME THAT.

INSTEAD OF..... MINIMIZING ME.

IN THE WAYS THEY DID THAT. 

OKAY?


I was talking to my neighbor tonight about guys. 
HE IS A GUY.

WHAT HE SAID... HE NAILED IT.

HE SAID THAT GUYS DON'T HAVE TO TRY TO "JUSTIFY" A NO.
THEY JUST HAVE TO UNDERSTAND IT.

THEIR EGOS ARE SO BIG THEY "CAN'T" ACCEPT IT.

I watched that video.... I don't know if I wrote about it yet...
A woman was on her motorcycle.
A guy approached her for her number.
She didn't want to give it to him.
Said she would give him her Instagram name or whatever.
He didn't want that.
And still didn't give him her number.
He goes: "Why you tryna be funny?"
She said she wasn't.

HE THREW WATER IN HER FACE!

WTF IS THAT SH*T?

IF THERE IS A REASON.... THERE IS ONE.
ACCEPT THAT AS A FACT.
BECAUSE IT IS A FACT.

AND IF IT'S A FACT..... JUST FK OFF WITH THAT FACT.
JUST THAT.

I might have written about this a while back....

When that guy was following me... 

I had an appointment. He followed me into that building.
And pretended to have an appointment.
Waiting for me to have mine.
And followed me OUT OF THE BUILDING.
THAT'S HOW I KNEW HE WAS LYING.
ABOUT HIS APPOINTMENT.
HE WOULD HAVE STAYED FOR IT.

WTF IS THAT SH*T? IT'S DISTURBING. 
DEEPLY. 

HE WANTED SOMETHING FROM ME.
I KEPT WALKING AWAY, SAYING "NO."

LOST HIM SOMEHOW. 

IT WAS KINDA SCARY.

IN BROAD DAYLIGHT. LIKE THAT.

IF NOBODY HAD BEEN AROUND?

IF HE HAD CATCHED UP TO ME?

I'D HAVE TO HURT THE GUY.
I DON'T LIKE HURTING PEOPLE.

I DON'T ENJOY IT.
I DON'T GET ANYTHING FROM IT.
OTHER THAN PROTECTION. 

THAT'S IT.

AND IF I NEED TO.... I HAVE TO... 
AND I REALLY DO NOT LIKE TO.

OR WANT TO.

It's been a long time since I had to. 

HE WAS ANGRY THAT I DID IT.
CAME AFTER ME FOR DOING IT.

BUT HE WAS TRYING TO CHOKE ME.
WHICH REALLY ANGERED ME.

SO I FED HIM MY FISTS. 
IN HIS FACE.
REPEATEDLY.

HE DIDN'T LIKE IT.
I DID NOT GAF WHAT HE LIKED.

HAPPENED NEAR HERE, ACTUALLY.

A LONG TIME AGO.

SAID SOMETHING HE DIDN'T LIKE.
HE THREATENED ME.
WITH HIS HANDS ON MY THROAT.
IT P*SSED ME OFF. 

I SHOWED HIM WHY TO FK ALL THE WAY OFF.
BUT HE DIDN'T WANT TO.
HE FOLLOWED ME AFTER THAT.
CAUGHT UP TO ME ONCE.

GOT ME FROM BEHIND.
SLAMMED MY HEAD AGAINST A POST.
IT WAS BAD. 
I GOT BACK UP.

FKER'S STILL OUT THERE SOMEWHERE.

WHAT A POS.

If I have to, I will defend myself. 

And I had Mirror Smasher in an armlock.
TO MAKE HIM DROP A RIG. 

AND IF I WAS SUCH A B*TCH....
I'D HAVE JUST FKN LET HIM. 

BUT DID I? NO.

IF I LET HIM AND HE OD'D?

AND HADN'T DONE ANYTHING?

AND THE HOE WHO GAVE HIM THE FIRST ONE....
SHE HAD BAD VIBES.

I TOLD HIM. 

SHE LOOKS LIKE THE HOE WHO TRIED TO GET IN MY FACE
WHEN I WENT TO MEET HIM, ONCE....

BEFORE HE WENT ON HIS D*CKCAPADES. 

BUT HE WAS DOING SH*T BEHIND THE SCENES
THE WHOLE TIME, OBVIOUSLY.

AND HER TRYING TO COME AT ME....
ON MY WAY THERE....
WOULD SHOW SHE KNEW ABOUT ME...
AND MAYBE.... 
READING HIS MESSAGES.

AND SHE WASN'T THE ONLY ONE.

BECAUSE HOW WOULD SHE KNOW?
THAT I WAS GOING TO MEET HIM THAT DAY?
HMMM?

Him.... Being a d*ck.... 
WAS A DELIBERATE CHOICE.

I WROTE ABOUT THE SH*T HE SAID,
AND DID.

AND I STILL GAVE HIM CHANCES 
AFTER THAT.

HOPING....
HE'D JUST STOP....
WITH HIS SH*T.

BUT?????? DID HE?

IF I DIDN'T JUST FKN LEAVE HIM
IN HIS OWN SH*T.....

I'D BE MISERABLE.
LIKE I WAS....
BEING EXPECTED TO DEAL
WITH HIS SH*T.

HE COULD HAVE...
JUST STOPPED.....
HIS SH*T.

SO I TOLD HIM TO FK OFF. 

NO MORE TRYING TO EXPLAIN
ANYTHING ABOUT ME
FOR HIM
OR ANYONE
TO "UNDERSTAND" ME
WHEN I'M NOT THAT HARD
TO "UNDERSTAND."

Never was "hard" to understand.

I'D RATHER BE "ALONE"
THAN BE AROUND PEOPLE
WHO DELIBERATELY.....
SLAMMED THE DOOR IN THEIR OWN FACE....
REPEATEDLY. 

CRABS IN THE BUCKET.
ALL THE FKERS WHO WANTED TO HOLD ME BACK.
WANTED ME TO FEEL "SMALL."

TO "LOOK DOWN" ON ME....

THE ONLY TIMES I LOOK DOWN ON PEOPLE
IS WHEN THEY PLAY GAMES
ARE ABOUT BS
WANT TO BE THINKING XYZ ABOUT ME....
NEVER ASKING ME ANYTHING....
JUST ASSUME....! WHY NOT???!

LIKE I WASN'T GOING TO FKN GO?????
EVENTUALLY???? WTF????

"TARGET A***."

I USED TO WANT TO FKN KNOW WHY............
BECAUSE IT WASN'T EVEN MAKING SENSE.......
IN A DECENT WORLD..... 
YOU'D THINK.....
YOU COULD.....
ACTUALLY TRUST.....
THE PEOPLE.....
YOU SHOULD HAVE.....
BEEN ABLE TO.....
TRUST.

CLOSURE.... FOR ME....
WAS HOW IT ENDED.

I DON'T NEED TO "CHASE CLARITY"
LIKE IT MATTERS TO ME MORE
THAN WHAT ACTUALLY HAPPENED!!!!!!!!!!!!

WHAT HAPPENED MATTERS.

MORE THAN THE "WHY."

SO THEY CAN HAVE THE "WHY."

I ALREADY HAVE THE "WHAT."

AND THAT'S FINE. WITH ME.
BECAUSE? I GAVE THE CHANCE.....
NOT TO BE ABOUT XYZ.

AND????? THEY WANTED TO BE ABOUT THAT?????

SO THEN?????

WHY SHOULDN'T I BE COOL ON MY OWN?

I WAS SUPPOSED TO "FALL APART"
WITHOUT THEM?

WERE THEY THERE?

WHEN? 5% OF THE TIME OR LESS?

EVEN MENTALLY?

DID THEY ACT LIKE THEY WANTED TO BE?
LIKE I MATTERED TO THEM? 

NO?
SO THEN? 

I CAN LET GO. THAT'S WHAT.

ISN'T THAT WHAT I DID? YEAH?
A LONG TIME AGO? YEAH?

WHY WAS THAT? HMMM?

BECAUSE??????
DO THEY KNOW ME?

OR DO THEY WANT SOMETHING?

AND "FORGET" HOW THEY TREATED ME?

HMMM?

WAS HIS SH*T MINE TO CARRY?
FOREVER?

NO?

AT ALL?

NO?

ALL HE HAD TO DO WAS JUST TREAT ME WELL!
LIKE A DEAR FRIEND!

AT THE VERY FKN LEAST!

WAS I ASKING TO BE TREATED LIKE A WIFE?

WOULD I WANT TO MARRY A D*CK ANYWAY? NO?

ANYWAY.... THAT'S ALL HE HAD TO DO!
THAT'S IT.

BUT?????? WHAT? 

THAT????!!!!! REALLY?????!!!!!

AND I USED TO WANT TO KNOW WHY!

BUT..... THEY EXPECT ME TO FIX IT
WHEN THEY FK UP!

AND TEST THE WATER AFTER.

BUT NOW.... I GAVE UP.....
AND THEY GET TO FEEL THAT.

IF THEY COULDN'T SEE ANYTHING ABOUT ME.
THEY JUST WANTED WHAT THEY WANTED.

AND I WASN'T SUPPOSED TO WANT ANYTHING.
BECAUSE THAT DIDN'T MATTER.

THERE'S A DIFFERENCE BETWEEN
WANTING ME TO BE FAMILIAR....
AND WANTING TO ACTUALLY KNOW ME.

FAMILIAR LIKE A SAFE PLACE TO LAND....

AND ACTUALLY KNOWING ME
ENOUGH TO ACTUALLY VALUE ME FOR ME.

THEY MIGHT REMEMBER SOMETHING ABOUT ME....
WITHOUT REMEMBERING OTHER THINGS....
AND "FORGETTING" SOME THINGS...

WHEN I WANTED THE SAME CARE.
THE SAME CONSIDERATION. 

AND BEING PATIENT LONGER
WASN'T GOING TO CHANGE ANYTHING.

WAITING LONGER
WASN'T GOING TO CHANGE ANYTHING.

LIKE 12-YEAR DISCARD....
WANTED ME TO WAIT 12 YEARS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

FOR 1/4 OF AN APOLOGY!

AFTER 12 YEARS.

"I M*SS A***, I'M GOING TO FK WITH HER FEELINGS SOME MORE."

COULD I EVEN BE MYSELF?
WITH HIM?
COULD WE TALK?

COULD WE SEE EACH OTHER?

COULD WE HAVE A NICE TIME?

NO?

BECAUSE....
I WAS SUPPOSED TO "CHASE" HIM FOR THAT????

FK THAT.

BOTH THOSE GUYS. FK THEM. 

I'M NOT BITTER ABOUT IT.... DO I SEEM LIKE I AM?

JUST TRYING MY BEST TO EXPLAIN....
WHY CERTAIN THINGS.... WERE BS.

SO THAT MAYBE.....
PEOPLE CAN UNDERSTAND.....

WHY IT WOULD BE BS.....

AND WOULD THINK ABOUT IT.....

BEFORE TREATING ANYONE....
LIKE THEY TREATED ME.

THAT'S ABOUT IT.

IF I WAS BITTER, I'D PROBABLY
BE RAGING AND WANTING REVENGE OR SOMETHING.
I DON'T.

DESPITE THE CAPS, I'M NOT ACTUALLY RAGING.

ABOUT THAT OR ANYTHING ELSE.

CAPS DON'T HAVE TO MEAN "RAGE."

WORDS ARE WORDS.
in lowercase
OR UPPERCASE.

OKAY?

WORDS.