Probably The Horseradish

Hard to sleep tonight.
Lots on my mind...

The usual stuff...
And thinking about some other stuff.

One thing on my mind is my project... 
I had to pivot a couple of times.

The first time was because someone had the same idea as me.

So I had to work on something else.

But what I have been working on...
Is more intellectual property.

Not the same thing I need for this thing.
So I had to pivot. 
I have an idea... But there are 4 patents already... 
Similar, so I have to work around those
so they don't conflict with those.

I have to cap it at the fact that I wasn't on 
THE SAME PAGE
AS MANY PEOPLE.

If other feelings come up.... They do...
But that's the crux of it.

If we were on the same page....
THINGS WOULD HAVE GONE BETTER!

I'D HOPE ANYWAY!

I'm going to try to crash again....

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I'm awake now... About the horseradish...
I bought some mayo that has horseradish in it.

Been eating it. Not by itself lol.
But... It is pretty good!

But... It gave me gas lol! 

My stomach's bugging me, but the dang mayo is GOOD!

I like flavored mayo. The dill pickle mayo is pretty good, too.

I forgot I had tuna, so I made a sandwich. Spiceh!
But yummy. 

Been isolating again...

I don't really like going outside when it's cold.
It hasn't gotten really cold yet... 

It's already snowed in Alberta. Yuck.
They can keep that crap over there!

Not ready for it.

But it's coming... Soon probably.

Eating my feelings, I guess.
If I had more food... Ca-Chunk! Ca-Chunk! 

People would hear me coming and hide the tacos!

"A***'s coming! Hide the tacos!"

Actually, I need like 20 pounds just to be "healthy."

My neighbor's been bringing me food, and we've been smoking weed.
He knows I have a hard time with food and have been losing weight.

He told me what the hollering outside was about the other day...
I heard it... Around 5am or something like that... 

Anyway, with Mirror Smasher.... 
He had people USING HIM.

THEY DIDN'T WANT ME "IN THE PICTURE."
SO THEY WANTED HIM TO SABOTAGE IT.
THE ONLY WAY THEY COULD DO THAT....
WAS TO FK WITH HIS HEAD ABOUT ME.

THEY SUCCEEDED.

TRIED TO TELL HIM.... BUT DID HE WANT TO LISTEN?

"WHY SHOULD I LISTEN TO YOU?"

HE LISTENED TO EVERYONE WHO WANTED HIM TO THINK:
"SHE'S XYZ."
SO HE WOULD TREAT ME LIKE XYZ.
TO PUSH ME AWAY.

I KNEW IT WAS HAPPENING....
BUT WHAT COULD I DO ABOUT THAT?

THE SAME THING HAPPENED WITH 12-YEAR DISCARD.
BECAUSE HE HAD NO REASON
TO LOOK AT ME ANY DIFFERENTLY....
THAN HE DID AT THE BEGINNING...
BECAUSE I HADN'T DONE ANYTHING TO HIM.

I HAD PURE INTENTIONS.
EVERYONE WHO DIDN'T.... KNEW THIS.

IT BUGS ME THAT PEOPLE LITERALLY
WON'T STAY OUT OF MY BUSINESS.

IF I'M GOING TO WRITE ABOUT IT....
THAT'S ONE THING....

BUT... BREAKING MY TRUST WITH SOMEONE?

JUST BECAUSE THEY WANTED TO USE HIM?
AND "CONTROL" HIM?

BUT OF COURSE HE'D BELIEVE EVERYONE HE LISTENED TO
OVER ME.

BECAUSE "WHY SHOULD I LISTEN TO YOU?"

THE REASON I DGAF ABOUT MY "REPUTATION"
IS THAT A LOT OF PEOPLE
GO OUT OF THEIR WAY....
TO TRY TO "WRECK" IT....
AND TRY TO "WRECK" ME....

BECAUSE THEY HATED ME ALL ALONG!

WHY? BECAUSE IF HE CHOSE ME...
HIS LIFE WOULD HAVE BEEN DIFFERENT!

MAYBE HE WOULD HAVE MADE SOME CHANGES!
FOR HIMSELF AND HIS LIFE!

CHANGES THEY DIDN'T WANT HIM TO MAKE!

BECAUSE? IN THE BEGINNING.... THINGS WERE GOOD!
SO WHY NOT "WRECK" IT?

"TURN HIM COLD TO HER!" *SMILES*
"UNTIL SHE CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE!" *SMILES*

"WE CAN'T LET THEM GET CLOSE!" *SMILES*

I WAS "IN THE WAY" OF WHAT THEY WANTED FROM HIM!

THIS WAS NOT THE FIRST TIME...
BUT THIS TIME IT WAS THE MOST EVIDENT.

"IF WE SEPARATE THEM, HE WON'T LEVEL UP!" *SMILES*
"IF HE DOESN'T LEVEL UP, WE CAN MANIPULATE HIM!" *SMILES*

ALL I WANTED WAS FOR HIM TO SEE THAT...
AND THAT I HAD TO FKN "ENDURE" THAT SH*T....
AND WHY IT EVEN HAPPENED....

BUT???? "WHY SHOULD I LISTEN TO YOU?"

BOTH TARGETED. THAT'S WHY....
BUT??? "WHY SHOULD I LISTEN TO YOU?"

I NEVER SAW MYSELF AS ANYONE ANYBODY WOULD BE
JEALOUS OF.

WHY WOULD THEY BE? RIGHT?
JUST A REGULAR PERSON.

PEOPLE WHO "BENEFIT" FROM OTHERS....
DON'T WANT ANYONE ELSE TO!

AND IF ANYONE "THREATENS" THAT....
THEY ARE "IN THE WAY" OF THAT.

AND I WASN'T EVEN THERE FOR THAT SH*T!

BUT TRY TO FKN TELL HIM THAT!
OR FKN ANYONE THAT!

OR FKN ANYTHING....
BECAUSE: "WHY SHOULD I LISTEN TO YOU?"

THEY DON'T! SO? ANY POINT IN TRYING TO TELL THEM?
FKN ANYTHING? NO?

LET THEM THINK AND "BELIEVE" WHATEVER THEY ARE TOLD....
ABOUT ME OR WHATEVER ELSE.

FOR WHATEVER THEY DID IT FOR....

BUT THAT SH*T HAPPENS MORE THAN I'D LIKE IT TO.

PEOPLE COULD JUST FK OFF AND NOT "INTERFERE."
BUT THEY DO THIS SH*T.

GROWN @SS ADULTS DO THIS SH*T.

"HATE A***! TREAT HER LIKE SH*T!" *SMILES*
"I'LL SPRINKLE A BIT OF TRUTH ON TOP OF THE LIES!" *SMILES*

CHARACTER ASSASSINATION! 

"IF THEY FEEL SORRY FOR ME, THEY'LL HELP ME." *SMILES*
"I'LL USE THEIR PITY AGAINST THEM!" *SMILES*

"I'LL PRETEND TO BE A VICTIM SO I CAN PLAY THEM!" *SMILES*

THEY NEEDED THEM TO MAKE A MOCKERY OF ME....

"DON'T WORRY, IT'S JUSTIFIABLE!" *SMILES*

BUT LET'S NOT "FACT-CHECK" THE LIES. RIGHT?

"A***, DID YOU DO XYZ TO HER?" FK NO.

BUT DOES ANYONE EVER ASK ME?

"THIS (LIE) ABOUT A***... IS WHY YOU NEED TO FEEL BAD FOR ME."

"I HAVE NO PROBLEM WITH HER.... SHE'S DOING XYZ (LIE)."

NEVER ASK ME ABOUT WHAT I'M SUPPOSEDLY DOING? 

YOU THINK MY OWN MOTHER WANTED ME TO BE WITH HIM?
WHO DO YOU THINK TOLD ME: "YOU'LL NEVER SEE HIM AGAIN!"
WHEN SHE KNEW I LOVED THE GUY!
SINCE I WAS LIKE 2 YEARS OLD! FFS!

DO YOU THINK SHE EVER CARED ABOUT MY FEELINGS?

MY GRANDMOTHER TOLD ME:
"YOU'LL SEE HIM AGAIN ONE DAY."

BECAUSE I WAS FKN BAWLING FOR DAYS AND DAYS.

BUT WHY NOT QUESTION ALL THE LIARS, ALL THE LIES... ETC.

WHY NOT QUESTION WHY THEY ARE DOING THAT?

WHY DO THEY WANT YOU TO BELIEVE IT?

WHY IS IT SO EASY TO BELIEVE LITERALLY ANYTHING?

ABOUT ME?

BECAUSE YOU DON'T KNOW ME?

BECAUSE IF YOU DID....
IT WOULDN'T MAKE SENSE THAT I'D DO THAT SH*T.

BECAUSE I MOSTLY HAVE VERY LITTLE TO DO WITH ANYONE!

I DEFINITELY DON'T GO OUT OF MY WAY
FOR SOME BS.

1) I DON'T HAVE THE TIME FOR THAT SH*T
2) THAT SH*T COMES BACK IN ONE WAY OR ANOTHER

BUT WHO'S ACTUALLY BEEN LOYAL TO ME?
ENOUGH TO ASK ME?

BUT.... IT'D HAVE TO BE SOMETHING FKD UP...
THAT I'D DENY IF I WAS ASKED.

RIGHT?

ONE THING I LEARNED ABOUT LYING....
IS THAT MOST PEOPLE WHO LIE.....

HAVE A REASON TO DO IT.

VERY RARE THAT PEOPLE LIE FOR NO REASON.

I ALWAYS HATED LYING.
IT'S EASIER AND BETTER TO JUST BE HONEST.

WHEN I WAS LIKE 7 YEARS OLD....
I'D GET HIT FOR SAYING "I DON'T KNOW."

EVEN THOUGH I DIDN'T KNOW!!!!!!!!!

THE POS THOUGHT I WAS LYING!
SO HE HIT ME FOR SAYING "I DON'T KNOW!"

SO I ACTUALLY WOULD LIE....
BECAUSE "THE TRUTH" GOT ME HIT!

I FKN HATED DOING IT TOO!

IT WAS TO TELL THE TRUTH AND GET HIT FOR IT....
OR MAKE SOMETHING UP....
WHAT DO YOU THINK I DID?

AND THEN MY FRIENDS WOULD GET IN TROUBLE!
FOR NOTHING!
BECAUSE I LIED!

I FKN HATED IT!
I WAS HAPPY WHEN THAT POS LEFT!
HE WAS A POS!!!!!!!!!!! BIG TIME!!!!!!!!!

I THINK HE'S DEAD NOW.

I SAW HIM DOWNTOWN, ONCE.
I HAD A WE@P0N WITH ME...

I SHOWED IT TO HIM....
AND SAID, "I KNOW WHAT YOU DID."

HE FKN RAN!!!!!!!!! SCARED OF ME!!!!!!!!!

IT WAS ONE OF THE MOST SATISFYING THINGS! EVER!
I'M NOT 7 YEARS OLD ANYMORE, FKN POS!

ANYWAY, THAT WAS WHEN I LEARNED ABOUT LYING.
BECAUSE I HADN'T BEEN TAUGHT TO DO IT.
ANY OTHER WAY THAN THAT.

AND I HATED DOING IT, SO I FKN DON'T.

NEVER FELT "GOOD" TO ME, TO LIE.
SO WHY WOULD I WANT TO?

NOTHING IS WORTH LYING TO HAVE.
IF IT'S NOT GOING TO COME TO ME, HONESTLY, 
IT'S NOT WORTH IT TO ME.

HAD THOSE FKERS.... NOT BEEN INTERFERING....
AND LYING ABOUT ME....

ETC...

MAYBE THINGS WOULD HAVE COME TO ME, HONESTLY!

BUT DO I "CONTROL" WHO DOES WHAT?
WHY?

DO I "CONTROL" WHAT PEOPLE "BELIEVE" ABOUT ME?

WHO CAN'T KEEP MY NAME OUT OF THEIR MFKN MOUTHS?
NO. I DON'T CONTROL THAT.

BUT???? THE QUESTION IS: WHY WERE THEY DOING IT????

AND... WHY DID THAT "WORK"?
AND... WHY DO I KEEP TO MYSELF?

AND.... WHY WOULD I BE "UPSET" ABOUT THAT?

AND WHERE ARE MY "APOLOGIES"?
AND WHAT WOULD THAT EVEN "FIX" ANYWAY?

IT WAS TO DISTRACT THEM AND ME.
MOSTLY.

BUT IF IT WASN'T FOR THIS HUGE FKN "CAMPAIGN"
I WOULDN'T HAVE EVEN SEEN IT.

I NEVER THOUGHT ANYONE WOULD HAVE ANY REASONS
TO DO THAT SH*T!

CONVINCING PEOPLE (WITH LIES)
TO HATE ME....

IF I WAS DOING IT?
WOULD ANYONE RESPECT ME FOR DOING IT? NO?

THEN WHY WOULD I DO THAT SH*T?

NOT LIKE MANY ACTUALLY RESPECT ME...
IF THEY DID.... THEY WOULD HAVE ASKED ME!

RIGHT?