Just To Be Clear

Just because I had "feelings" for someone...
DIDN'T MEAN THEY WERE OBLIGATED
TO FEEL THE SAME WAY I DID, 
ABOUT ME.

That's not why I was upset. 
That's not what STUNG.

WHAT STUNG WAS ALL THE BS BECAUSE OF THAT.

Because you can KNOW how someone feels....
AND YOU DON'T HAVE TO LEAD THEM ON.

JUST THAT.

IF YOU DON'T FEEL ANYTHING FOR THEM....

YOU DON'T HAVE TO SH*T ON THEM.

NO FALSE HOPES. NO BS. 
HONESTY. 

JUST THAT. 

IT DOES NOT MEAN
"I HAVE TO PLAY WITH HER FEELINGS."
"I HAVE TO TRY TO MAKE HER FEEL LIKE SHE'S NOTHING."

IF I DON'T MATTER TO YOU, DON'T PRETEND.

AND THEN..... AFTER PRETENDING... 
TO "CARE"
WHEN YOU ACTUALLY DIDN'T.... AT ALL....

PLAY GAMES. 

JUST THAT. 

THAT'S ALL I WAS ASKING FOR.

NOT: "I'M IN LOVE WITH YOU, MARRY ME!"
OR ANYTHING CRAZY OR FKD UP.

JUST: "IF IT'S NOT MUTUAL.... DON'T BE A D*CK."

It's not that I "can't" be "alone."
IT'S MORE COMFORT TO ACTUALLY BE ALONE....
THAN "TRY" TO HAVE "SOMETHING"
WITH SOMEONE WHO JUST......
WANTS TO THROW ME AWAY.
LIKE NOTHING.

Big difference.

Nobody was ever OBLIGATED to FEEL THE WAY I DID!
OR WANT WHAT I WANTED.

IF I THOUGHT THEY WERE.... 
THAT WOULD BE LIKE THINKING
I WAS "ENTITLED" TO THEM "RETURNING" 
MY FEELINGS.

BUT.... COULD THEY HAVE.... ACKNOWLEDGED THAT?
HOW I FELT? AT ALL?

BUT THEN...... AFTER I SHUT DOWN......
AFTER YEARS AND YEARS AND YEARS
OF GAMES.... 

THEY STILL TRY TO PLAY WITH ME.

That's why he came back 12 years LATER!

BECAUSE IT'S A GAME
TO GHOST AND TRY TO COME BACK
LIKE NOTHING HAPPENED.

LIKE THEY DIDN'T DISCARD ME.
LIKE THEY "FORGOT" THE DETAILS.
BUT "REMEMBER" THE EXCUSES.

AND THEN.... WHEN I DON'T WANT TO FKN PLAY!!!!!!!!!!!
OR BE PLAYED WITH....

I'M "TOXIC" FOR THAT.

TO TRY TO GASLIGHT ME
ABOUT MY OWN FKN SANITY AND REALITY.

I KNEW HE WAS NEVER OBLIGATED....
TO FEEL ANYTHING FOR ME.... 

NOBODY IS.

BUT..... CERTAIN THINGS....
I NEVER HAD TO TOLERATE.

AND WHEN I REFUSE TO "CHASE."
I'M "TOXIC."

WHEN I CALL THEM OUT:
"TOXIC."

They could.... Ask themselves.... WHY....
I would be more comfortable with myself
THAN I WAS BEFORE.
WHEN PEOPLE DID THAT SH*T.
TO ME.

FOR WHATEVER REASON THEY DID IT FOR.....
I DON'T HAVE TO "CARE" WHY THEY DID IT.

DO I NEED "EXCUSES" FOR BS? NO.
I DON'T NEED OR WANT THAT CRAP.

THEY USE "EXCUSES"
BECAUSE THE ACTUAL TRUTH...
ISN'T "COMFORTABLE" FOR THEM.

OR? THEY'D TELL IT!

What I'm not cool with.... Is being.... Underestimated. 
BY PEOPLE WHO NEVER KNEW ME.

I'm capable of underestimating myself!
THEY KNEW THIS.

THAT'S WHY THEY TRIED TO GASLIGHT ME.

But....? Why doesn't that work?

BECAUSE I SEE THAT FOR WHAT IT IS.
I SEE THEM DOING IT.

AND YES, I WILL SAY SOMETHING ABOUT IT.

AS SOON AS YOU HAVE BOUNDARIES....
AND CHANGE HOW YOU OPERATE....
AND PEOPLE CAN'T GET WHAT THEY WANT....
THEY CAN'T FK YOU AROUND.... 

WATCH! WATCH HOW THEY ACT! 
BECAUSE THEY ARE ACTING LIKE THAT
FOR A REASON.

I COULD HAVE PLAYED GAMES, TOO. RIGHT?
DID I? DID I EVEN WANT TO? NO?

IF I WANTED TO.... I WOULD HAVE!!!!!!!!!!!
RIGHT?

That is the point.

Not that I ever thought they were OBLIGATED 
to feel the way I did.

WOULD IT HAVE BEEN COOL, IF THEY DID? 
YEAH.

BECAUSE THEY WOULDN'T HAVE....
SCREWED ME AROUND.

OR PLAYED WITH ME IN ANY WAY.

IF THEIR INTENTIONS
WERE THE SAME AS MINE.

THAT IS ALL. 
BUT???? THEIR INTENTIONS....
WERE NOT THE SAME AS MINE.

AND AFTER I WALK AWAY....
THEY TRY ME AGAIN.

THAT.... IS WHAT BUGGED ME.
NOT: "HE DIDN'T LOVE ME BACK!"

SO NATURALLY, AFTER ALL OF THAT CRAP....
I'D BE GUARDING MY HEART. 

AWAY FROM PEOPLE WHO WOULD FK WITH IT.
OR TRY TO.
OR TRY TO PLAY WITH ME.

THEY FIND OUT VERY FAST....
I DON'T DO "TRAUMA BONDS."

REAL BONDS.... OR FK OFF. 

EVEN IF THEY DIDN'T HAVE ANY "ROMANCE"
INTEREST IN ME.... 

COOL.

1) BE HONEST ABOUT THAT.
2) DON'T EVER PRETEND YOU DO! 
3) DON'T PLAY GAMES!
4) MUTUAL RESPECT OR FK OFF.

AND IF YOU LOST MY RESPECT.....
YOU LOST IT FOR A REASON OR MANY REASONS.

USUALLY IT TAKES QUITE A BIT FOR ME TO GET THERE.

BECAUSE I USED TO GIVE CHANCES LIKE CANDIES.
BUT I DON'T DO THAT ANYMORE.

DOING THAT.... DIDN'T GIVE ME ANYTHING.

MADE PEOPLE NOT RESPECT THE CHANCES THEY GOT.
THEY JUST EXPECTED MORE AND MORE AND MORE.
LIKE I WAS NEVER GOING ANYWHERE.

THAT'S WHAT IT DID.

They try to "control" and "dominate" me, also.
NO. TRY THAT AND FIND OUT WHY IT DOESN'T WORK.

BECAUSE THE MOMENT YOU TRY ME...
I WILL SHOW YOU.

I DON'T LIKE IT.... BUT... I'LL DO THAT.
WHEN NEEDED.

BUT WHEN PEOPLE ARE STUCK IN THEIR OWN SH*T....
THEY ARE!

WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO WITH AND ABOUT THAT?

I LEAVE THEM.... STUCK IN IT.... BY THEMSELVES.
AND I LIVE MY LIFE WITHOUT THEM IN IT.

BECAUSE????? I CAN.
THAT'S WHY.

THEY DON'T LIKE IT.... BUT?????

AM I SUPPOSED TO TRY TO "CONTROL" THEM?
TRY TO "MAKE" THEM SEE THE TRUTH?
THAT THEY "REFUSE" TO SEE?

IN A TRILLION DIFFERENT WAYS?
IF NOTHING "WORKS"?

NO. IT'S FOR THEM TO SEE.
I ALREADY SAW A LOT. 
I AM COOL WITH THAT.
SEEING IT MEANS I GET TO DO SOMETHING WITH IT.

WHAT CAN I DO
WITH SOMETHING I CAN'T SEE?

Anything????? Can I? No.

SO THEN WHY WOULD I REFUSE TO SEE IT?

TO PUT MYSELF AT A DISADVANTAGE?

And if they choose someone OVER ME. OKAY.
BUT DON'T GO BEHIND THEIR BACK....
TO TRY TO TALK TO ME..... 
BECAUSE YOU ALREADY.... CHOSE.

JUST THAT.

Yes, I have friends who are married.
Who I speak with. 

BUT WE ARE ONLY FRIENDS, JUST THAT.

AND I'D RATHER NOT BE INVOLVED
WITH SOMEONE.... WHO IS INVOLVED
WITH SOMEONE ELSE.

1) ISN'T FAIR WITH THE ONE THEY ARE INVOLVED WITH
2) ISN'T FAIR TO ME, EITHER.

BUT WHY WOULD THEY GO BEHIND THEIR BACK?
IF THEY THINK THEY'D LASH OUT....

AND I WARNED MIRROR SMASHER ABOUT THAT HOE.
TOLD HIM ABOUT THE "THREATS."

AND SHE DID THREATEN ME. 
OVER HIM.

WHEN IT ISN'T HER CHOICE.
WHO HE WANTS TO BE WITH......

NOT UP TO HER.

SHE HAS NO CONTROL OVER THAT.

HE ISN'T HER "PROPERTY."

SO SHE HAS NO RIGHT TO "THREATEN"
ANYONE OVER HIS OWN CHOICES
THAT HE HAS A RIGHT TO MAKE.
ON HIS OWN.

But.... I'm a "threat" so......
THAT'S WHY SHE "THREATENED" ME.

HE WAS NOT HAPPY WITH HER.
HE TOLD ME SHE CHEATED ON HIM.

MAYBE THEIR FIRST KID ISN'T EVEN HIS.
SHE WAS CHEATING "WHILE" PREGNANT.

MAYBE... SHE CHEATED AND "GOT" PREGNANT.

AND IF THAT WAS THE CASE....
SHE LIED TO HIM ABOUT THAT.

TO "TRAP" HIM WITH A BABY.

SOME CHICKS DO THAT.

AND IF HE WASN'T HAPPY WITH HER....
HOW SHE ACTS ETC.....

THEN.... THAT... HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH ME.

BECAUSE I DON'T ACT LIKE THAT.

I NEVER CONTACTED HER EVEN ONCE.
WANTED NOTHING TO DO WITH HER, PERIOD.

IT'D BE LIKE IF MY EX CONTACTED HIM, 
THREATENING HIM. 

RIGHT?

THAT'S WHAT I NEEDED HIM TO SEE....
BUT? HE WOULDN'T.

If I wanted to "harm" her...
WHY WOULD I THREATEN TO DO IT?
I WOULD JUST DO IT?

ALL I DID WAS TELL HER NOT TO FKN PLAY WITH ME EITHER.
BECAUSE THEY BOTH WERE.

NOT JUST HER, NOT JUST HIM. 

BOTH.

AND BECAUSE OF THAT SH*T.....
I DON'T HAVE TO BE THERE.
NEVER HAD TO BE THERE.

Wanted him to see THAT, TOO.... BUT?

BUT.... BS... DOESN'T WORK FOR ME.
THERE CAN'T BE ANY EXCEPTIONS.

BECAUSE THEY WON'T TAKE MY STANDARDS
SERIOUSLY. 

IF I LET THEM KEEP ON WITH THEIR BS.

THAT'S WHY 12-YEAR-DISCARD.....
DOESN'T GET TO "POP IN"
AND GET ANOTHER CHANCE.

HAD I LET HIM BACK IN?
THINKING "IT'LL BE DIFFERENT THIS TIME"?

IT WOULD BE LIKE MIRROR SMASHER.
AGAIN. 

THINGS MIGHT HAVE BEEN "NICE" FOR A BIT.
AND THEN..... THEY'D DO THAT SH*T. AGAIN.

THEY HAD THE CHANCE.... ALREADY....
TO JUST.... TREAT ME PROPERLY.

AND WHEN LOYALTY MATTERED AND COUNTED....

WHAT DID THEY DO WITH THAT CHANCE?
THOSE CHANCES?

WASTED THEM?
WASTED MY TIME?
ALREADY?

SO????? WHY WOULD I THINK....
ANYTHING WOULD BE "DIFFERENT THIS TIME"?

ALREADY DID ME DIRTY....
I CAN WISH PEOPLE WELL.....
BUT I DO NOT NEED TO WELCOME THEM BACK.

ESPECIALLY AFTER THAT SH*T.
THEY ALREADY SHOWED ME.
RIGHT?

I DON'T HAVE TO LET THEM SHOW ME REPEATEDLY.
I DON'T HAVE TO PUT MYSELF THROUGH THAT.

BUT FLIPPING THEIR SH*T ONTO ME....
ISN'T COOL.

IT'S A TEST.

HER DOING IT. HIM DOING IT.
ALL THE FKERS DOING IT.

BUT..... I DON'T HAVE TO LET THEM.

WHAT STUNG WAS GIVING THEM WHAT I HAD....
AND GETTING BS BACK.

THAT IS WHAT STUNG.

NOT "HE DIDN'T LOVE ME BACK!"

IF I HAVE TO GRIEVE EITHER WAY.....
I'D RATHER BE "ALONE."

"IF A***'S SCARED I'LL LEAVE HER....
I'LL GHOST HER FOR 12 YEARS!"

AND IF HE CHOSE TO FK ME AROUND EVEN MORE
THAN HE DID BEFORE?

IF YOU LET SH*T SLIDE..... 
THEY THINK IT IS OKAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

IT NEVER WAS!!!!!!!!!!!!!
BETTER OFF ON MY OWN!

I'M NOT SCARED OF ANYONE "LEAVING."
THEY CAN "GO."

THERE IS NOTHING TO BE SCARED OF.

IF THEY DISRESPECT ME....
THE "CONNECTION".....

WHAT WERE THEY EVEN "THERE" FOR?
FOR ME?????? FK NO!

NO LOYALTY.

SO THEN?????? WHY BE "THERE"?
FOR ME?????

HA! 

AND WHEN I DON'T MAKE ANY EXCEPTIONS?
I'M "TOXIC."

FOR NOT LETTING THEM JUST "COME BACK."
LIKE THEY NEVER DID ANYTHING.

ANYONE WHO DIDN'T VALUE ME......
DOESN'T GET TO DEVALUE ME EVEN MORE
THAN THEY DID BEFORE.

BECAUSE..... SAW AN "OPPORTUNITY."
IT WASN'T ABOUT ME.
IT WAS BECAUSE THEY WANTED SOMETHING
FROM ME.

BECAUSE IF IT WAS ABOUT ME....
HE WOULD HAVE VALUED ME.

JUST THAT.

GOING BACKWARDS WOULD BE LIKE SAYING:
THIS IS ALL I DESERVE
WHEN I NEVER DESERVED ANY OF THAT SH*T.

THEY HAD A CHANCE.
TO SHOW ME..... WHO THEY WERE.
THEY DID.

I DON'T HAVE TO LET THEM SHOW ME AGAIN.
ALREADY SAW IT.

"PEOPLE CHANGE, A***." OKAY, COOL....
BUT THAT STILL DOESN'T MEAN THAT I WANT THAT SH*T IN MY LIFE.

THEY HAD THE CHANCE NOT TO BE ABOUT IT....
AND CHOSE WHAT THEY CHOSE TO BE ABOUT.

AND IT WASN'T ABOUT ME AT ALL. 

SO THEY CAN HAVE WHAT THEY WANTED....
EVEN IF THEY AREN'T HAPPY WITH IT.

AND THAT HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH ME.

PEOPLE SAW ME AS "DIFFERENT"
BECAUSE I AM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

IF I WAS LIKE THEM......
I'D HAVE ACTED JUST LIKE THEM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

RIGHT?

I CAN COUNT MORE PEOPLE
WHO DIDN'T "BELIEVE" IN ME

THAN ANYONE WHO DID!!!!!!! OKAY????

AND IF THEY DIDN'T..... COOL..... 
BUT DID THEY HAVE TO FK ME AROUND????????

BECAUSE THEY DIDN'T??????

"LEAST LIKELY TO SUCCEED...." OKAY.

COOL. BUT I'LL REMEMBER HOW PEOPLE ACTED.

WHY WOULDN'T I REMEMBER THAT?
HMMM?

WHY WOULDN'T I REMEMBER.....
BEING TREATED LIKE CRAP?

LIKE I DIDN'T MATTER?
LIKE THEY DIDN'T "CARE" ABOUT ME?

OF COURSE I WAS GOING TO REMEMBER THAT. 

WOULDN'T THEY? IF I DID THAT SH*T?
PROBABLY!

RIGHT?