That's Why

What are they going to? Make me sign an NDA?
TO NOT TELL THE TRUTH?!

"DON'T MAKE ME LOOK AS BAD....
AS I ACTUALLY AM!"

WELP...... DON'T BE AS BAD.....
AS YOU ACTUALLY ARE!!!!!!!

Makes sense! Right?

COULD HAVE NOT TRIED ME.... RIGHT?
BUT? WHAT?

Also..... If you happen to see my posts....
Online somewhere else.....

THAT MEANS SOMEONE IS TRYING TO COPY ME.

WOULD BE COOL IF YOU LET ME KNOW.
PLEASE.

Have very little faith in people who fk around.
THEY WILL FIND OUT......

BUT..... THEY STILL....
DIDN'T..... NEED TO.... FK AROUND.

NOT WITH ME.

AM I? NO.

BEEN MINDING MY OWN BUSINESS!
BEEN IN MY OWN LANE!

FOR THE LAST 12 YEARS.... RIGHT?

BORE FALSE WITNESS AGAINST ME!
WHY? I'm fairly SANE!
THAT'S WHY.

FAIRLY HEALTHY! MENTALLY!

ANY MITIGATION.... 
IS SELF-SERVING.
Manipulation!

Do I need anyone to SQUIRM? NO.
BUT...... WHEN PEOPLE DO SH*T........

AND I BECOME AWARE OF IT..... 

YEAH...... THEY CAN TRY TO MITIGATE.
BUT.... WILL THAT DO ANYTHING?

12 YEARS IS A LONG TIME TO WAIT TO TRY
TO MITIGATE!!!!! RIGHT?

FKN WEIRD SH*T.

There's more to it.... I know this.... 
But.... Whatever BS it is..... I don't want it.

Definitely didn't deserve this sh*t..... 

Just wish things had gone differently......
THEY DIDN'T.

THAT'S OKAY.

IT'S NOT LIKE I GET TO HAVE EVERYTHING I EVER WANTED.....
AS LONG AS I WANTED IT FOR THE RIGHT REASONS.....
GOOD ENOUGH FOR ME.

I can accept that things didn't go as I had wanted... 

I WAS UPSET..... BECAUSE CERTAIN BS THINGS....
WERE UNFAIR.... YEAH..... 

BUT ULTIMATELY...... 

"NOBODY OWES US OUR DESIRED OUTCOME!"

DID HE OWE ME A HAPPILY-EVER-AFTER? NO!

BUT THAT "HE'S UP TO SOMETHING" FEELING.....
KEEPS..... COMING.... UP.

MAYBE HE IS..... MAYBE HE'S NOT.....

BUT THAT FEELING...... KEEPS COMING UP.

And maybe that's why I have been feeling very unsettled. 
I don't like it. 

THAT FEELING MADE ME WANT TO KEEP AWAY!!!!!!!
FAR AWAY!!!!!!!!!!!

REMOVED FROM IT.

Like.... When something.... Seems out of the blue......
It's not.

SO THAT + HYPER-ALERT...... 
THAT GAVE ME THE WORST FEELING I'VE HAD IN A WHILE.

I GOT THAT FEELING FOR A REASON.
I HAVE TO LISTEN TO IT.

"DON'T WANT ME ANYMORE? YOU'RE TOXIC!"
FINE! I'M COOL WITH THAT.

I AM COOL WITH BEING "TOXIC"
FOR NOT WANTING BS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Secure people are CONFIDENT.
INSECURE people are ruled by their EGO!

AND THEY DO BS THINGS!!!!!!!!!
BS EGOTISTICAL THINGS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

TO PEOPLE WHO DON'T FKN DESERVE IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!
AND NEVER DID!!!!!!!!!!

But..... Now..... I am emotionally CHECKED OUT!

It was fkn SHOCKING AND JARRING.....
TO MY SOUL!!!!!!!!!!

Did it hurt? Initially....... 
DID IT P*SS ME OFF? INITIALLY!

BUT IS IT JUST.....
RUBBING ME THE WRONG WAY? YEAH.

SOMETHING LIKE THAT.....

THE ENERGY IS WAY OFF..... I CAN FEEL THAT SH*T.
IT FEELS VERY GROSS AND HEAVY.... 

LIKE A WET BLANKET ON FIRE....

IF THE BLANKET IS WET.... HOW IS IT BURNING?
I DON'T KNOW!

BUT THAT IS HOW THE ENERGY FEELS.
I DO NOT LIKE IT.

I FEEL IT..... INTENSELY... 

LIKE.... DID I NOT HAVE A RIGHT?
TO MOVE ON?
AFTER BEING DISCARDED? 

I THOUGHT I DID!!!!!!!!!
IMAGINE THAT?!

DID I? I THOUGHT I DID......
SO I TRIED TO DO THAT........
LIKE A SANE PERSON DOES.....
OR TRIES TO DO......
BECAUSE THEY KNOW THEY ARE SUPPOSED TO..... 

BECAUSE THAT IS THE "HEALTHY CHOICE." RIGHT?
CHOOSING YOURSELF?
WHEN SOMEONE DOESN'T CHOOSE YOU?

WHICH IS OKAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

BUT TREATING SOMEONE LIKE SH*T........
ISN'T COOL!!!!!!!!!

RIGHT?

DID HE HAVE TO WANT ME? FK NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
HE NEVER HAD TO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

THAT IS WHY I ACCEPTED HOW THINGS WENT..... 

WAS INSULTED AF..... BUT.... I ACCEPTED IT.
WHAT WAS I SUPPOSED TO DO?

NOT ACCEPT IT?
ACT CRAZY?

AND IF SOMEONE IS TREATING ME LIKE SH*T......
WHY WOULD I WANT THEM AROUND ME?
OR ANYONE I CARE ABOUT?

WOULD I? FK NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

CAPRICORNS HAVE THE WORST LOVE LIVES.
THE WORST!!!!!!!!!

WISH IT WAS NOT SO...... BUT? WHAT?

It would take realizing way too much
TO UNDERSTAND WHERE I WAS COMING FROM!
TO UNDERSTAND CERTAIN THINGS.... ABOUT ME.

IF I HAD TO WAIT FOR THAT.......
WHY WOULD I WANT TO WAIT 12+ YEARS?

OR THE REST OF MY LIFE......?
FOR HONESTY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!???? HMMM?

TO BE TREATED THE WAY I DESERVE?
HMMM?

Why would I? Would you? 
Probably not!

"You're toxic!" *BLOCK* OKAY! 

TWICE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

WILL SHE STILL BE P*SSED 12 YEARS LATER?
YES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I DON'T FORGET BS GAMES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
BECAUSE BS GAMES.....
ARE BS GAMES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

It felt insulting and infuriating.... 
At that time.... 

More so infuriating...
BECAUSE CERTAIN THINGS....

WERE INSULTING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Did he have to insult me to reject me? FK NO!!!!!!!!!!!

Sometimes..... People change......

BUT ONLY IF THEY LEARN!
AND..... IT'S NOT UP TO ME IF THEY DO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I COULD BE WITH SOMEONE ELSE BY NOW.....
FOR ALL HE KNOWS..... RIGHT?

I DID DATE WITHIN THOSE 12 YEARS.....
WE ALL KNOW HOW THAT WORKED OUT....

NOT FOR A LONG TIME.....
I GOT TOO TURNED OFF.

TO FKN WANT TO BE WITH ANYONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

BUT..... I COULD BE..... AVAILABLE.....
FOR..... THE RIGHT..... PERSON.....

COULD BE....... BUT DO I WANT TO BE?
AVAILABLE EMOTIONALLY?

WHAT HAPPENS WHEN I TRY THAT?
ANYTHING GOOD? NO?

GETS ME INSULTED..... PUSHED AWAY.....
EMOTIONALLY ABUSED.

GROSS.

THINKING ABOUT EVEN WANTING WHAT I DID WANT.....
MAKES ME WANT TO PUKE.

BECAUSE: WHY DID I WANT THAT?
WITH ANYONE?

AFTER EVERYTHING I HAVE BEEN THROUGH?
BEFORE AND AFTER THAT?

WHY DID I EVER THINK:
A***, YOU CAN BE LOVED AND RESPECTED.....
AND CARED FOR ONE DAY!

FAT FKN DREAM THAT WAS. EH?

BUT ADMITTING TO ANYTHING.....
IS LIKE "LOSING THE BATTLE" WITH ME.....
EVEN THOUGH..... IT SHOULDN'T BE A BATTLE!!!!!!!!!!!

NEVER SHOULD HAVE BEEN.
SHOULDN'T HAVE BEEN TREATED LIKE THAT.

WAITING ME OUT..... IS BS.
OR TRYING TO.....
FKN EGOTISTICAL SH*T THAT IS. RIGHT?

"WHO'S GOING TO HOLD BACK THE MOST?"
"WHO'S GOING TO HIDE THEIR FEELINGS THE LONGEST?"

IT.... WAS..... NOT...... A COMPETITION..... OR..... A.... GAME.
IF SOMEONE WANTS TO STAY IN THEIR EGO AND BE THERE.
STAY THERE. THAT SH*T TURNS ME OFF!

IT K*LLS MY FEELINGS!
ALREADY HAS, ACTUALLY.

IT'S NOT LIKE I'M TRYING TO "STAND MY GROUND"
TO "NOT GIVE IN...."
OR SOME BS LIKE THAT......

THAT STUPID SH*T K*LLED MY FEELINGS FOR HIM!
OKAY? 

MAYBE THE INSULTS INSULTED ME TO THE POINT
THAT I ACTUALLY DO NOT GAF.

NOT PRETENDING NOT TO GAF.....
ACTUALLY DGAF.

TRYING TO MAKE ME JEALOUS.....
DOES NOTHING TO ME.

BECAUSE I DON'T GET JEALOUS.
I LAUGH..... AND TELL THEM TO P*SS OFF!

THERE ARE OTHER WAYS TO HAVE MY ATTENTION.....
LIKE TREATING ME PROPERLY!

WHICH HE REFUSED TO DO.

SO..... OKAY...... GO DO THAT SH*T.
WITH WHOEVER TF YOU WANT TO.

WHEN SOMEONE *BLOCKS* ME..... 
THEY SLAM THE DOOR IN THEIR FACE....
AND GET TO P*SS OFF.

MANIPULATION DOES NOT WORK.
GAMES DON'T WORK.
JEALOUSY SH*T DOESN'T WORK.

WHEN MY FEELINGS ARE GONE.....
SO AM I!!!!!!!!!!

THAT'S WHY I STAYED AWAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

BECAUSE..... THERE WAS.....
NO POINT!!!!!!!!

THAT'S WHY.

IF I AM NOT ON THE SAME PAGE AS SOMEONE.....
THEY CAN P*SS OFF!

THAT GOES FOR ANYONE!

BECAUSE WHO HAS TIME FOR GAMES?
WHO HAS PATIENCE FOR THAT?
WHO'S TURNED ON BY THAT?
ANYONE? NO?

LOOKS..... IMMATURE AF.....
BECAUSE IT IS!!!!!!!!!!!!

THAT'S WHY.