Insecurities

There were times I was extremely insecure. 

Remember that post I wrote about the time I was jealous
of that girl at school?

I realized... SOME PEOPLE WANTED ME TO FEEL INSECURE.
WANTED ME TO DOUBT MYSELF. 

THAT'S WHY THEY PROJECTED THEIR CRAP ON ME.

BECAUSE THEY KNEW....
THAT IF I WAS INSECURE....
I WOULDN'T..... GET VERY FAR.

OR SO THEY THOUGHT.
SO I THOUGHT, TOO, ACTUALLY.

DID I THINK I'D GET THIS FAR? NO.

I tried to k*ll myself 6 times!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I FELT LIKE SH*T FOR SO FKN LONG....
BECAUSE MY LIFE WAS FKD UP!

WHO WAS TAKING ME SERIOUSLY? ANYONE?
BUT WAS I TAKING MYSELF SERIOUSLY?

But.... Where am I at now? BUILDING PHASE.
RESTRUCTURING. 
PIVOTING.

TRYING TO BALANCE SOME THINGS OUT....
THAT HASN'T BEEN BALANCED....
FOR A VERY LONG TIME... 

HOW CAN ANYONE FEEL "COMFORTABLE"
IN.... INBALANCE? 

IT FEELS "OFF," RIGHT?

The word: EQUILIBRIUM. 

SOMEONE SAID THAT WORD; I HEARD IT TODAY. 
I'll have to find that video... 
To give the context... 

The context was important....
But my head and neck hurt pretty bad tonight... 
So it's hard to "recall" the context... 
Hard to think.... Straight. It hurts.
Got no marijuana right now, either. Sucks.

If I can recall... It was something about regaining....
Equilibrium... And why that's important. 

Emotionally, I've been fkd up...

NOT JUST BECAUSE OF THE DAMAGE.... 
OVER THE DECADE+.....

It kind of goes deeper than that...
It's hard to explain....

And not sure if I want to go that deep...
Not tonight... 

THE ONLY REASON HE WANTED TO RECONNECT
WAS TO HAVE CONTROL OVER THE DYNAMIC.

IT WASN'T TO TREAT ME THE WAY
I NEEDED TO BE TREATED.

HE WANTED ME TO THINK THINGS WERE GOING TO BE BETTER, 
BUT HE JUST WANTS A PASS TO DO IT AGAIN. 

"THEY KNOW IT'S WRONG, BUT THEY BATTLE THEMSELVES."
"THEY TELL THEIR MIND NOT TO TELL THEM WHAT TO DO."

IT'S ONLY TO PROVE THAT HE COULD GET ME BACK.
NOT BECAUSE HE WAS READY TO STOP THAT SH*T.

"THEY WANT EVERYTHING THEIR WAY."
IT'D BE ONE-SIDED. JUST LIKE BEFORE.

"THEY AVOID THEIR OWN CONSCIOUS."
"THEY WERE TOO BUSY FIGHTING OFF THEIR OWN CONSCIOUS...
OUT OF GREEDILY WANTING WHAT THEY WANTED."

"THEY'D RATHER GIVE YOU THE BARE MIN TO CONVINCE THEMSELVES...
THAT WHAT THEY DO WON'T HURT."

"IF I SH*T ON A***, IT WON'T HURT IF SHE LEAVES."
AS FKD UP AS THAT IS.... EH?

I DIDN'T GET THE BARE MIN. I GOT SHAT ON.
MANY TIMES!!!!!!! OKAY?

NOT "OKAY." I'M NOT COOL WITH IT. 
NOT THE FIRST TIME OR THE 100TH TIME.

Anyway.... This post was about insecurities... 
I've dealt with most of them, I think... 

Yes, I have other ones to deal with... But...

It did take time to get this far....