About Attention

It's not my job to give the specific attention 
someone wants from me
to make themselves feel better about themselves.

People can feel better about themselves
regardless of any attention from me or anyone else.

The people I wanted attention from....
I didn't need their attention. 

I could feel better just for myself.
Without it.

Emotional codependence isn't healthy.
There are support programs for codependent people.

I've been in at least a few unhealthy relationships.
I don't want to be in one.

I met someone this year...

I was the one who took it where I did.
Over text.

Then he had invited me over.
I'd get there late so I asked if I could stay the night.

HE EXPECTED TO HOOK UP WITH ME.
I WANTED TO JUST CHILL.

I WAS JUST MEETING THE GUY FOR THE FIRST TIME.
THE WAY HE WAS TRYING TO PUSH ME INTO IT BUGGED TF OUT OF ME.

GIRLS SHOULD BE ALLOWED TO ONLY SAY IT ONCE.

SHOULD I WANT TO FEEL COMFORTABLE FIRST?
NOT "USED" JUST BECAUSE SOMEONE WANTS
ME TO S*CK THEIR D*CK?

IF I WANTED TO, I FKN WOULD JUST FKN DO IT!
I WOULD NOT NEED "PERSUASION."

AND NOT IN THE WAYS HE WAS DOING IT.

The thing is that he was like "It's been x years...."
IT'S BEEN AS LONG FOR ME TOO!

DOESN'T MEAN I HAVE TO DO IT
JUST BECAUSE SOMEONE ELSE WANTS ME
TO WANT TO RIGHT THEN AND THERE.

JUST BECAUSE THEY WANT ME TO?

AND WHAT IF I WAS ACTING LIKE THAT WITH HIM?
WHAT IF HE HAD WANTED TO EASE INTO IT?

IT WAS IMPORTANT FOR HIM
SO HE COULD "BRAG" ABOUT IT THE NEXT DAY.

BECAUSE HE TOLD ANOTHER DUDE
THAT WAS LIVING THERE....

THAT I WAS COMING OVER TO HOOK UP.

BECAUSE I DIDN'T WANT TO HOOK UP, 
THAT NIGHT, THE FIRST FKN NIGHT....
THERE WAS NOTHING TO "TALK ABOUT"
THE NEXT FKN DAY.

ONLY S*XUAL FRUSTRATION.
AND BS EGO SH*T.

THE THING IS....
IF YOU GIVE A GUY ATTENTION....
YOU GIVE HIM AN INCH.

YOU WILL SOON SEE WHO TAKES A FKN MILE.

IF YOU TRY TO TAKE A MILE WITH ME, 
BEFORE I'M READY TO GIVE YOU ANOTHER FKN INCH.....
WHAT DO YOU THINK IS GOING TO HAPPEN?

MAYBE DISCRETION SHOULD HAVE BEEN A THOUGHT.
MAYBE DESPITE THAT ATTENTION I GAVE, 
I DON'T HAVE TO JUMP ON SOMEONE I JUST MET.

ESPECIALLY SOMEONE WHO EXPECTED ME TO.
AND WHO'S EGO DEPENDED ON IF I DID OR NOT.

BECAUSE HAVE I HEARD MUCH FROM HIM SINCE?
AN APOLOGY FOR THAT MORNING... 
AN UPDATE. NOTHING SINCE. 

AND.... HE HAS ANOTHER FB ACCOUNT THAT HE DIDN'T TELL ME ABOUT...
AND HAD BEEN "ONLINE DATING" BEFORE HE MET ME, 
BUT I DIDN'T GIVE HIM WHAT HE WANTED.

BUT DID I GET WHAT I WANTED? RESPECT? PATIENCE?
REGARD? 

CONSIDERATION?

NO? 

AND THEN SILENCE... NICE. 

But maybe that's why I didn't.
BECAUSE HE COULD HAVE EASILY
JUST GOTTEN WHAT HE WANTED
IF I WAS GOING TO DO THAT
AND BRAGGED TO HIS FRIENDS
AND WHAT WOULD THAT BE AFTER THAT?
THE SAME?
ANYTHING?

THAT'S WHY I FKN DIDN'T!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
SHOULDN'T I WANT MORE THAN JUST THAT?
BARELY SCRAPS OF FKN ANYTHING?
AND THEN SILENCE?

NOT EVEN "HEY, HOW ARE YOU?" NOTHING. 
SO WHY SHOULD I FKN GIVE ANYTHING TO THAT SH*T?

BEEN THERE. ALL FOR SILENCE, EGO GAMES, BS.
NOT WORTH IT TO ME.

NOT EVEN FOR "ATTENTION"
FROM GUYS WHO JUST USE CHICKS AND TALK ABOUT THEM AFTER.

THE DUDE HE WAS TALKING TO ABOUT ME
CONTACTED ME TO ASK ME HOW IT WENT WITH HIM.

THAT'S A FKN FIRST.
HOW DO I EVEN RESPOND TO THAT?

WOULD HE WANT ME ASKING HIM THAT?
AND WHY FKN ASK ME?

WHAT DOES HOW HE ACTED LIKE WHEN I LEFT
HAVE ANYTHING TO DO WITH ME?

BECAUSE I'M NOT THERE TO S*CK HIS D*CK?
I WAS THERE TO MEET THE DUDE IN PERSON
FOR THE FIRST FKN TIME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
TO JUST CHILL WITH THE DUDE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

BUT BECAUSE I'M A FEMALE I'M THERE TO S*CK D*CK?!!!
SERIOUSLY???!!!

HOW WOULD THAT BE FOR HIM?

TO BE SPOKEN LIKE THAT ABOUT
BEFORE YOU EVEN FKN GOT THERE....
NOT KNOWING THAT PART.... EITHER.
UNTIL FKN AFTER.

SOME DUDES DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH ATTENTION.
YOU GIVE THEM ANY
AND ALL OF A SUDDEN IT MEANS YOU'RE GOING OVER THERE
TO S*CK THEIR D*CK FFS.

IF IT WEREN'T FOR THE TEXTS, HE WOULDN'T HAVE THOUGHT THAT, MAYBE.
BUT THE POINT WAS HE WAS EXPECTING WAY TOO FKN MUCH
FOR MEETING ME FOR THE FIRST FKN TIME.

AND I DIDN'T FKN APPRECIATE THAT SH*T.

AND EVEN AFTER THAT I TRIED TALKING WITH HIM.

AND HE STOPPED TALKING TO ME.

SO I LEFT IT AT THAT. DGAF.