Sometimes I Think About It

Sometimes I think about it. 
There are things I miss about a relationship
AND A LOT OF FKN BS I DO NOT FKN MISS AT ALL. 

I think: Would it be worth it to even try again?

OR WOULD IT BE A WASTE OF MY TIME?
A DISTRACTION
FROM THINGS THAT ARE MORE IMPORTANT?

So much bs that I really do not miss. 

DO I NEED ANOTHER MIRROR SMASHER?
DO I NEED ANOTHER HEAD PUNCHER?
DO I NEED ANOTHER IRON HEART?

Do I need any more xyz?!

That is the risk, though. 

GUYS MY AGE TRYING TO FKN ACT
LIKE THEY ARE IN THEIR 20S FFS.

THEY COULD HAVE LEARNED SOMETHING. 
COULD HAVE LISTENED. 

BUT THEY CANNOT GIVE WHAT THEY
DO NOT HAVE. 

THEY AREN'T DEEP ENOUGH
TO HAVE ANY DEPTH
TO THINK FROM, ACT FROM... 

THAT SH*T IS FRUSTRATING. 

Frustrating sh*t is unattractive.
It really fkn is. 
WHO WANTS A FKN HEADACHE OF A TW@T?
ANYONE?

And that's the kind of sh*t I think about now... 
I look back at all the bs I've been thrown
AND ASK MYSELF IF IT WOULD EVEN BE WORTH IT
TO FKN TRY, AGAIN. 

And that stupid part in me is like:
Maybe next time. 

And then I look back again
AND I DON'T WANT TO FKN GO THERE, EVER. 

BECAUSE ALTHOUGH IT WOULD BE NICE
TO GO ON A DATE
OR CHILL

THERE'D BE A BUNCH OF BS
IF THEY ARE NOT READY. 

AS MUCH AS I WOULD HAVE LIKED 
FOR CERTAIN PEOPLE TO HAVE BEEN
READY... 

AND BEEN READY, MYSELF... 

THEY WERE NOT. I WAS NOT. 

I AM DAMN TIRED!!!!
OF TRYING!!!!
OF HELPING PEOPLE FOR FKN NOTHING!!!!!
OF NOT BEING RESPECTED!!!!!
OR APPRECIATED!!!!
EVEN BY MY SO CALLED FRIENDS!!!!

WHEN I WAS THERE, THEY WANTED TO
LITERALLY IGNORE ME TO MY FACE ETC

AND WHEN I'M NOT... 

OR SOMETHING "MAKES THEM THINK OF ME"
OR THEY "MISS OUR CONVERSATIONS"
OR "MISS HOW I USED TO BE"
OR MISS XYZ

THEY CAN REALIZE WHY I'M NOT THERE!!!!
BUT THEY CAN'T BE WRONG, EVER, RIGHT?!

NOT WHEN IT COMES TO HOW THEY
CHOSE TO TREAT ME? REPEATEDLY?

How my ex was trying to come at me, on here
was like how he was trying to provoke me
before he punched me in the head. 

Why do that sh*t?

Another thing that bugged me... 

Was my mom had really bad teeth. 
After we broke up he felt some "need"
to make a comment about her teeth. 

WHAT DO HER TEETH HAVE TO DO WITH
HOW YOU'RE CHOOSING TO TREAT ME?

She's since had her teeth removed and got fake ones. 

But why go as low as to comment on her bad teeth?

WHAT IF HIS MOM HAD BAD TEETH?
WHAT IF I HAD MADE ANY COMMENT ABOUT
HIS MOM'S BAD TEETH?

EVEN THOUGH HIS MOM'S BAD TEETH
HAVE NOTHING TO DO WITH
HOW I CHOOSE TO BE/ACT.

She doesn't have bad teeth, 
BUT HAD SHE HAD BAD TEETH
AND I WENT THERE?

IT WOULD BE THE EXACT SAME THING
AS IF I WENT THERE.
GET IT?

THAT SHOULDN'T BE HARD TO UNDERSTAND. 
AND IF IT WOULDN'T LOOK GOOD ON ME
FOR SAYING SOMETHING
ABOUT SOMETHING THAT HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH
HOW I'M CHOOSING TO BE/ACT

THEN IT WOULDN'T LOOK GOOD ON YOU, EITHER!

Shouldn't be hard to understand that. 

Anyway, been coding so long that I have a headache. 
Been coding a template for posts on my neighbor's site. 
I would have been almost done but Elementor decided to
strip all my style tags off my posts. 
So I had to redesign everything. I had to start over. 

Friggin aggravating. 
And somehow someone added their email address to my account
on a platform and changed my password. 
I had to boot them off, change my password etc. 

It was hard doing that sh*t. 
Well, figuring out how to do it. 

Actually doing that wasn't that hard. 
That took up most of my time tonight. FFS.

That, and coding. 

The videos I've been playing
are mostly background noise for working. 

When everything's done, it'll be great. 

Then I can work on my stuff more. 

What bugs me is someone being/acting a type of way
WITHOUT MUCH OF A REASON FOR DOING IT
BECAUSE WHAT HAVE I DONE?
WHAT WAS I GOING TO DO?
AND WHY?

THE BIG THING WAS WHY.

I THOUGHT: IF THEY COULD SEE WHY.... 
WHY I BOTHERED, WHY I CARED,
WHY I HELPED, WHY I MADE THE EFFORT
WHY I FKN DID ANYTHING... 

THEY'D REALIZE SOMETHING ABOUT ME. 

BECAUSE WHY WOULD HAVE SAID ENOUGH
ABOUT ME... 

TO AT LEAST HAVE THE BARE MIN
FROM THEM.

THE BARE MIN! NO BS! 

ISN'T NO BS SUPPOSED TO BE THE BARE MIN?

AND AFTER SO MUCH FKN BS... 
WHY WOULD I BE "INTERESTED"?
IN HAVING ANYTHING TO DO WITH FKN ANYONE?

AND THEN LIE TO MY FKN FACE:
"I WON'T TREAT YOU LIKE THAT ANYMORE..."

SHOULD YOU HAVE EVER TREATED ME LIKE THAT?
WOULD I HAVE TREATED HIM LIKE THAT?

WHY THOUGH?

YOU PUSH SOMEONE TO PUSH YOU OUT
BY FKN ABUSING TF OUT OF THEM. 
THEIR KINDNESS, 
THEIR STRENGTH... 

THEM, AS A PERSON... 

THEN THEY FKN LEAVE YOU IN YOUR OWN SH*T
TO SUFFER IN IT... 

THEN YOU CAN HAVE YOUR SH*T, ALONE. 
FOR ALL THEY CARE OR CARED. 

COULD HAVE BEEN A MATURE ADULT, RIGHT?

You can't send all that BS my way and not expect it right back. 
I don't have to be there to do anything to them. 
Or watch them go through whatever's coming. 

What else was I going to do?
Stay? Put up with that sh*t?
ACCEPT SH*T THEY FKN WOULDN'T?

LIKE I WAS "SUPPOSED" TO?
OR WHY EVEN DO ANY OF THAT SH*T?

BECAUSE I WAS "SUPPOSED" TO FKN PUT UP WITH THAT SH*T. 
AND JUST STAY FOR MORE OF THAT SH*T. 
FK NO!!!! 
ANYONE WHO THINKS I FKN WOULD
CAN GO FK THEMSELVES
SIDEWAYS WITH A SURFBOARD. 

HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO TRUST AND RESPECT 
THAT SH*T?

AND SOMEONE WHO CHOOSES TO BE A FKN SH*T... 
OVER AND OVER AND OVER AGAIN
WILL KEEP FKN DOING THAT SH*T. 

AND IF THEY ONLY THINK OF THEMSELVES, 
THEY WILL NOT THINK ABOUT
YOU. EVER.

AND WON'T TREAT YOU PROPERLY. 
AND WILL WASTE YOUR TIME
IF YOU LET THEM. 

AND WHEN YOU TELL THEM TO FK RIGHT OFF, 
LIKE ALL THE WAY OFF
FOR FKN LYING TO YOU, 
TRYING TO BLAME YOU FOR THEIR SH*T, 
BEING A PETTY SH*T, 
DOING EVERYTHING THEY CAN TO TRY TO HOLD YOU
TO SOMETHING THEY FKN KNOW THAT YOU'RE NOT
IF THEY EVER KNEW YOU AT ALL... 

AND WHY SHOULD HAVE FKN MATTERED.

SHOULD HAVE BEEN ENOUGH, 
SHOULD HAVE SAID ENOUGH. 

AND I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO SAY ANY OF THIS... 

When you walk away from someone... 
WHEN THEY PUSH YOU TO DO IT... 
THEY CAN'T BE FKN MAD THAT YOU DID IT. 
BECAUSE YOU WOULDN'T HAVE
HAD THEY NOT PUSHED YOU TO DO IT!!!!!

HAD THEY NOT BEEN ONLY THINKING OF
THEMSELVES!!!!!

HAD THEY BEEN THINKING OF YOU TOO!!!!!
AND HAD REALIZED WHY!!!!!!!!!

I don't need to be there for them to learn the lesson. 

FOR THEM TO REALIZE ANYTHING. 

AND WHEN/IF THEY DO, IT'S ALREADY TOO LATE!

I DON'T FKN HATE THE GUY. BUT DO I RESPECT HIM NOW? NO.
HE LOST THAT. HE LOST A LOT. 
A LOT MORE THAN JUST MY RESPECT. 

BUT ONCE MY RESPECT IS GONE, 
AND MY TRUST IS BROKEN, 
NOT JUST ONCE... 

THERE IS NO POINT FOR ME IN LOOKING BACK. 

BECAUSE WHAT SHOULD HAVE BEEN THERE, WASN'T. 
AND THAT WASN'T FROM MY SIDE. 

I WOULDN'T HAVE DONE TO HIM WHAT HE DID TO ME. 
THAT IS A FACT. 

AND NOT JUST BECAUSE I KNOW THERE ARE CONSEQUENCES
FOR ALL THAT SH*T... 

THERE'S A PRICE TO PAY FOR IT. ALL OF IT.

A PRICE I WOULDN'T WANT TO PAY. 
SO I COME FROM THE RIGHT PLACE. 

YOU DO SH*T TO YOURSELF
IF YOU FK WITH WHAT YOU'VE BEEN GIVEN. 

AND WHEN THEY TURN AROUND AND SAY
I NEVER TRULY CARED? 
BECAUSE IF I DID WHY WALK AWAY?

IF THEY DID, THEY WOULDN'T HAVE BEEN
ABOUT ANY OF THAT BS. CORRECT?

SO WHO WAS THE ONE WHO DIDN'T CARE?

AND WAS IT MY FAULT THEY DIDN'T SHOW UP?
LIKE I DID?

OR WAS THAT A CHOICE THEY MADE?
PRETTY SURE THAT'S A CHOICE
THEY MADE. 

WALKING AWAY IS A CHOICE I MADE, 
BUT IT WAS MADE FOR ME
BY PUSHING ME TO DO IT. 

YOU TAKE A CHANCE ON EVERYTHING
YOU TOOK FOR GRANTED.... 

WHY SHOULD IT STILL BE THERE
FOR WHEN YOU DECIDE YOU WANT IT?

AFTER TREATING IT LIKE IT WAS
EVERYTHING YOU DIDN'T WANT?

SO AFTER TREATING IT LIKE THAT, 
WHY SHOULD IT STILL BE THERE?

JUST TO BE THERE?
FOR WHEN YOU WANT IT TO BE?
WHEN YOU NEED IT?

Because it would have been there... Right?
NOT JUST FOR WHEN YOU WANTED IT TO BE... 

NOT FOR YOU TO REALIZE: "ONE DAY."

BUT WANTING TO "WIN" MADE YOU "LOSE."
IN THE WORST WAY. 

But trying to "bring me down to your level"
WHEN I'M NOT ON THAT FKN LEVEL
DOESN'T FKN WORK.

There are reasons I'm not on that level. 
There are reasons I can rise above a lot of sh*t. 

AND JUST BECAUSE I CAN RISE ABOVE A LOT OF SH*T
DOESN'T MEAN I WANT TO FKN HAVE TO
ALL THE FKN TIME. 

And that's what's "intimidating" about me. 
WHEN YOU TRY SH*T THAT DOESN'T WORK. 

EVEN IF IT DID, IT DOESN'T NOW. 

NOT MY PROBLEM IF THEY DON'T WANT TO SEE THAT.
Or be mad that it doesn't work on me. 
Go try that sh*t with other girls and see what happens... 

BUT WAIT! YOU HAVE FOMO
SO WHY WOULD YOU PUT YOURSELF
IN A POSITION TO MISS OUT IF YOU'RE SO AFRAID TO?

IF YOU KNEW IT WOULDN'T WORK, YOU WOULDN'T.
IF YOU KNEW THEY WOULD WALK AWAY
WOULD YOU PUSH THEM TO DO IT?

Just fkn bugs me. 
And I'm tired of getting headaches
and being tired all the time.