Who Would?

Went to bed feeling sick. Can't explain it,
It's not right what I've been going through.....

Anyway, my dreams seem very real. 
And I haven't been taking the sleeping pills.

In my dream, I was close with a family
that had young kids...
And someone walked into their house to steal a kid. 
And I pinned that MF against the stairs until the cops came.

I asked the guy if he'd want some MF coming into HIS house
and stealing HIS kid. 
And he said.... "I don't care anymore.... My parents are getting cut off."
And somehow I knew that meant financially.
And I said "Probably because their son is stealing kids."

Been finding myself twitching and stuff in my sleep.

And... Just been feeling sick. 
This isn't how I thought my life was going to be.
People surprised me in ways I never thought they would....
Not in good ways. 
And I surprised others. Not in good ways. 
There are people who didn't see my best side
and I didn't see theirs. 

Just been feeling sick. 
Sick of everything and sick of people who hurt people. 
And I have to tell myself that they don't know better....
But that is no excuse. 
Feeling sick about how my life has been turned upside down. 
Like dropped on my head.... 
Maybe that's why I keep getting headaches....

It bugs me for people hurt me
and try to make me feel like I'm the wrong one
for walking away.... From that.
And then hurt me some more.
And more and more and more.... 
But I'm the wrong one.... 
And going through this is HARD.
Being treated like this is HARD.
Feeling like this is HARD.

Everything's been making me doubt myself. 
And there are reasons I doubted myself. 
People who don't doubt themselves....
A lot of them should. 
And a lot that do.... Probably shouldn't. 

Maybe there's a lot wrong with some people....
And not as much with me. 
Than a lot of people make me seem... 
Even than I make myself seem.....

Maybe I let people treat me so bad
that I started treating myself bad.... 
Thinking that I deserve it. 
Or why would others treat me bad?

Don't get me wrong, though. I'm not perfect.
I still haven't fully grown, or developed etc. 

I didn't get to, long ago. The way I should have.
And there are times I stopped trying to heal.
And stopped trying to get help.
And stopped trying to get better. 
And stopped caring about myself.... 
And just stopped.... 

And felt like I was going crazy. 
And still go crazy sometimes. 
Because of all the sh*t that happened to me. 
But I have to think that it happened FOR me
to realize that I do deserve better than a lot of it. 
That I'm not the person others have made me out to be. 
Or that I make myself out to be. 

But I am slipping and have slipped away for too long. 
Wilting in the shadows of something bigger than me. 

It's been a long winter, too. 
Been left out in the cold by many people. 
When I only wanted warmth. 
And I was an Ice Queen, too. 
Not that I ever wanted to be that.
I don't actually have a cold heart. 
Even though I have been cold. 
Even to people who didn't deserve it. 
And I pay for that every day. 

For every wrong turn I made in the forks in the road. 
I didn't know better and that is the truth, 
but not an excuse.

Others will pay, too. 
When they finally see my heart.
When I mend it. When I fix it myself. For myself. 
And when I show them. If I get the chance to do it. 
That I'm not who they thought I was 
or were told that I was.
And they'll see that all along
when they could have had me in their life, 
they chose someone else or something else. 

Or this is just me wishing they'd see.
The real, true me. 
And love and appreciate me.... 
Well, that's just... Wishing. 
Because I can't chose anything for anyone. 
I can't barely chose much for myself. 
I can't chose for anyone to treat me right. 
Not even the ones who were supposed to be the closest to me. 

And I have to be strong without anyone. 
And I waited too long for people to see the good in me.
When they were refusing to see it. 

And I feel sick because I see so much potential in some people, 
but they want to show me their @sses.
Sometimes literally.
That, I can't explain. 
Why they'd show me their @sses
unless they WANTED me to walk away
so that they could try to make me feel bad for that
when it was really them doing me wrong. 

It's not that I can't do any wrong. I have, too. 
"Two wrongs don't make a right."
Something my mother always says, 
but she doesn't live up to that.
I haven't either.

I just have been through the wringer the last few years.
Even before that, but really feeling it the last few years.

"Things have to get worse for things to start getting better."
Just.... HOW MUCH MORE CAN I TAKE?
I'M ALREADY BREAKING...
BEEN BREAKING....
And I don't see the point of faking. 
Pretending things are good when they aren't. 
And haven't been for a long time.
But it doesn't mean that I have to make them worse.... 
Than I already have.... 
Than they already are..... 

Maybe I'm not as smart as I wish I was
or I would have done everything better, the right ways....
And I wouldn't be stuck like this....

But I gave chances to people
and they gave chances to me.
To change for the better.
And it's up to them and up to me.

And up to me to show them that I can.
Up to them to show me that they can.
And if they really want to, they will.
If I really want to, I will.

Even if it takes a while.

They get to choose who and how they are going to be,
and so do I.
I don't get to choose who and how they will be. 
Only they do.
And they don't get to choose for me. I do.

And it bugs me that people kept telling me
that I did the right thing....

When I didn't. I messed up.
Because I see it from their perspective.

They can't see it from mine, though.
How can they when they don't even want to try to?
So if they can't, they won't. 
Until they can.... Maybe they will.... One day....

All the times they straight up ghosted me, 
dogged me, clowned me, screwed me, hurt me....

And like I said, it might be karma. Idk.

But it didn't make me want to keep trying.

There's stuff I can't make right with most people I wronged.
Even though I want to. Because it's too late.
And stuff others can't make right with me
because it's too late.
And most people don't even care enough
to try to make things right with me.

It's like I can only redeem myself in my dreams.

Just been feeling so sick, of myself, too.
How I keep letting people down.....
How others keep letting me down....

And trying to pull myself out and up is HARD.

Like every time I started to feel better...
It was HARD to get to that point.
Because I have had a lot to contend with.
Stuff that I don't write about.

Because the stuff that I do write about
is hard enough to write about.
And hard for a lot of people to understand
and few people read my stuff anyway....

Because who tf cares about MY life? About me?
And why should I care if people don't?

It's been hard and I don't have to make it harder.
Than I already have, but it seems that I keep finding new ways...
And that's on me.

Can I blame everyone if I make it harder on myself?
Can people blame me if they make it harder on themselves?
I can't really. They can't really.
Yet I have and they have.
"Two wrongs don't make a right."

I should be thankful I have any readers.
But I'm not writing for others.
I have to get this out of me.

Maybe the people who read it
can't help but to watch a train wreck.
Another disaster waiting to happen....
Like a "Truman Show" type of thing.
"Let's see what fresh hell she can get herself into."
"Let's see how she rides this one out..."
Idk why people read my stuff.
To see where I'm at?
To feel better about their lives? Idk.

So anyway, that's that.
What more can I say that I haven't been saying?

Maybe it's time to talk about other things...

I'm just feeling sick and tired....
Litterally. 

Like so sick that I feel weak.
So sick that I feel tired 
and have to try to sleep it off.
And it's hard to shake it.
It's hard to make it.

When others think your life should look like theirs
but it doesn't. 
And that for it to look like theirs
that you have to be like them....

And sometimes things happen that we didn't expect.
And they are lucky that it didn't happen to them.
And they'd only know what it is like if it had....
Because they can't imagine.

Sometimes I deserved it and other times I didn't.
But who am I to say that I didn't if I did?
Or did if I didn't?

But going through this is HARD.
I didn't know how hard it was going to be.
I didn't know a lot of things that I know now.
And there's still things to learn. 
From this and from eveything up to this. 
And from other things that have yet to happen.

And it's like all I can do is write about it
and try to pull myself out and up from it.
And keep living my life.... Somehow...
Even though I feel so sick
that it drains me pretty hard....

And I'm not enjoying it. Who would?