It Can't

 It's been a while since I wrote.
.Been working on a few things...

Haven't been working on myself, though.
Don't feel like I've been growing or changing much.
My feelings have been all over the place....
Remembering some things from the past...
Good things and not so good things.
How it felt in the very beginning...
And then how it started to feel
compared to how it felt at the end
and how it feels now.

I don't know why the strong pull is back.
Why I want to make things right
with people who wouldn't make things right with me.
Who wouldn't and didn't appreciate and respect me.
And I can't demand respect. I have to command it, 
in some way... But they couldn't respect me
when I was being open and honest
and a lot of people think others are being dishonest
and hiding things when they really are not.

But regardless of what anyone thinks of me, 
I have to come back to myself and heal old wounds
otherwise I'm going to keep being drawn to people
who hurt me and who will keep hurting me,
who I can't f*cking trust.
And being loyal to them while they are not being loyal to me.
And that stems from past stuff where I kept being drawn
to people like this. Like **** who wasn't trustworthy
yet I wanted to be the one for him, and him for me etc.

And being alone does get lonely, but it's either be alone
or have to live up to some expectations that I can't
or they can't fulfill my needs (because I have to do that for myself)

A friend I spoke with recently was trying to convince me
that I have a beautiful life ahead of me
and that I'll have so many things to look forward to in life.
I almost cried on the phone with him a few times.
Maybe because I always wanted those beautiful things.
Not material things, but that love that I've been missing. 
That I wanted for so long... 
That I feel is elusive and just not meant for me.
I look back on moments I miss having
and people I miss, but who were not good for me as it turns out....

Am I good for myself? I haven't been taking care of myself.
Been letting myself go and really not been taking care of myself.
In a lot of ways, though. Not just a few ways....

And the things I've been working on aren't terribly important, I guess.
I keep thinking that it's some sort of a dream I'm chasing. 
Like the elusive money.... And that sort of thing, too.
Like how a lot of things work out for a lot of people
and I'm sitting on the sidelines wondering why it hasn't worked out for me.

And I want to say that it hasn't worked out for me, YET.
And that just because it hasn't, doesn't mean it never will.
And have some hope for the future, 
and believe some of the things that my friend was telling me.
I know he was trying to help me feel better....
And he's really great to talk with. I didn't realize how much I missed him.
And some other people in my life who actually care.

Been just trying to pull myself together
after failure after failure after failure.
In all kinds of relationships that were never always up to me
to make them "work out for me."
There are ways that I don't deserve to be treated.
And it's not about getting my way all the time.
But it's not about being loyal to people who just keep hurting me, either.
Because at that point I'm letting them hurt me.....

And why does it hurt? Because there's some wound there....
About never being good enough for anyone.
Like if I could meet or exceed everyone's expectations all the time....
Then they'll all just love me and see my value, 
and I'll finally be worthy of their respect etc....
But I can't and won't meet their expectations....
Because I'm not the way they want me to be.
And they can't see who I actually am.
They just want some version of me that is like them, 
but I'm not like them because I am me.

But I have to start liking myself, loving myself, 
treating myself better, taking care of myself. 
And I have been ignoring certain needs I have.
Telling myself that if I do this or that, I might have this or that, 
but still ending up with nothing....

"Work smarter, not harder." Was the mantra the other day.
I find myself repeating tasks and not really getting anywhere.
Despite going days of working on stuff
that I have not been able to get done....
And I feel like I'm wasting time 
because I'm never happy with the work I'm doing. 
And I feel like I can't even come up with a good plan
let alone follow through with it.... It sucks.

Haven't left my place for a while.
Haven't wanted to do much of anything
Except get some things started....
But still trying to figure out how to start these things....

I need to keep things as simple as possible, 
but I keep overcomplicating everything.

My physical health is declining.
I know I've been doing damage to my heart, physically.
From not eating enough and not eating well.
Been getting low on food again and completely broke.

I keep thinking that if I can start "making it" online...
Then I will have some money and won't be struggling so much.
It's hard for people who are just starting out. It really is. 
I have a feeling that when I finally get somewhere
and finally start seeing some results, I'll feel some relief
like all these late nights weren't for nothing etc.

That I'm good enough to "make it" too.
And I'm not really thinking so much about love now.
That was some elusive dream that I need to forget about, for now.
I feel the need to prove to myself that I can make money somehow, too.
That I can have enough money to do basic things.
And feel good about myself as a person, etc.
And not worry so much about playing certain roles to others
who dgaf about their roles in my life....

Like all these people can expect whatever they want from me, of me,
but I've never been allowed to expect f*ck all from anyone.
Like it's always been okay for everyone to want something from me
but never okay for me to want anything from anyone.
But what do I want from myself?
Isn't it okay to want more from myself?
I've been disappointing myself, a lot.
Not getting the show on the road....

Someone was posing a question in a group I'm in....
"What does big time mean to you?"
And I was saying that I don't really have an idea of what it look like, 
but I'd love to be making $100/day.
Not have to worry so much about having money for food
or having money for anything I need.
I don't go shopping for things....
I can't afford things, anyway, but there's not much in life
that I feel that I actually need anymore.
And can't buy love or happiness or whatever....
Or respect and appreciation....

Like in the past, even when I got something I wanted....
After struggling so much for it....
Like finally getting the time I waited for, for so long....
Or someone finally tells me they love me or something...
And I'd get so mad and be all like WHY NOW?!
Why couldn't I have just had this
and not have gone through the torture and torment...
Having to fight for everything I ever wanted, with everyone...
Like why couldn't it have been made EASY?
Why put me through all this sh*t? 

Like why do people want to play games
and try to make me jealous and try to rub things in my face?
To see if I care? If I didn't f*cking care, 
I wouldn't have been trying as hard as I was.....

But even then, it was like "you had a chance to see who I really am."
You could have seen and appreciated the good things about me....

I saw and appreciated good things in others...
Well, sometimes I did too late....
And maybe they felt that. Just like how I'm feeling it.
Like I was never good enough for them....
They might think they weren't good enough for me....

But I desire to be treated well. Respected.
I don't seem to get that from most people.
Like even if I made lots money and had nice things....
Then they'd just envy me, but not respect me.
And that's not what I want. 
I don't want to make money to be boastful and arrogant.
I just want to get out of f*cking survival mode.
And feel like I'm getting somewhere in life
and feel like I have the ability to chance my circumstances for the better.
Regardless of who is in my life and who isn't.

Would I suddenly start hearing from people
if I won the lottery? Maybe.
Like people only approaching me because they want something.
Not approaching me to approach me.
Not actually interested in how I've been doing....

Like few are there when times are tough 
or when times are really f*cking hard for me.

Because nobody wants to hear about how I'm suffering....
Because they actually dgaf. 

Like when someone asked me how I was doing, 
and I told him the truth, that things are the way they are....
That I had a few breakdowns and ended up in the hospital....
I didn't hear from him and I don't think I will.
Maybe not for a long time.
Because maybe he wanted to hear that things were going better
or something, but nobody wants to know the truth, I guess.
That things have been rough and hard
and there are times I don't feel like continuing
down this path of breadcrumbs and starvation....
In so many areas of my life....

And nobody wants to get or be pulled down
into this pit of despair with me.
Been having a hard time pulling myself out, yet again.
But I have to do it for me.
Not because I want to hear from a particular person
or I want to have something good to tell them
or I want to fall in love with someone who could and would love me back....
Not for any of those reasons. Just for me.
So that I can have some things to feel good about.
Regardless who reaches out to me, 
or even thinks about me....
Because most people are too busy thinking about themselves
to think about me.
And what do they think of me?
"If I have to talk to you constantly 
to make you feel secure,
then I probably don't want to talk to you anymore..."

And obviously that doesn't
make me feel good about myself as a person.
I want reasons to feel good about myself as a person.
Despite who I was and how I was in the past....
And I have to give myself those reasons.
My friends won't, "lovers" won't...
Nobody in my life will give me those reasons.
I have to give myself those reasons.

Otherwise, will I feel okay with myself?
Will I have a healthy self-esteem?
Despite all these challenges I've had?
With myself and with other people?
About wanting to feel a certain way
and looking outside myself at other people....
Feeling like I need to 'fit in' with people who I don't 'fit in' with
because I'm not like they are.
I've had a lot of problems and issues....
A lot that I created for myself, too....

And I have the choice to focus on the things I can do
and the things I can put energy into changing, for me.
Not for anyone to come running to me, or running back.
Not for anyone to tell me that they've changed their mind about me
and suddenly they are seeing me in a whole new light.....
"I was wrong about you, A***."
Maybe I've been wrong about myself.

Because I let everyone expect whatever from me
and either expected too much from myself or not enough, 
but leaning towards not enough.

I guess why I stopped expecting things from myself
is because I didn't and don't want to keep feeling
like I'm failing myself, 
but by not expecting enough from myself, I am failing myself.
If that makes sense....

I spent so much time trying to be everything everyone wanted from me
but I never spent nearly enough time trying to be what I wanted to be
For myself, not for them. 
Doing the things that make ME happy.
Whether or not they understand that....

But it's like I have to do all the things that make THEM happy.
And they dgaf about how I feel.
When they do certain things to me that I don't like.
They only see things about me that they don't like.
Not things about themselves that I don't like
or that I don't need in my life....

But they turn it around on me....

Like how I'd like to be allowed to do the things I want to do
without being told constantly not to do those things.
Especially if those things are not hurting anyone.
Like I don't see why people feel the need to control me
but I have no control over anyone.
I can't even tell people to gtfo of my house...
Or to f*ck right off....
Or to treat me the way they would want to be treated.... 
To stop treating me like sh*t....
To stop telling me what to do and what not to do....
When I don't tell them what to do and what not to do....
Because I want them to just know.
And not have to tell them.
And THEY don't want to be told f*ck all, 
but they still feel the right to tell me how to live my life...

I can't tell people how I feel... 
Without it being a thing.... 
How tell them how they are being with me
if they don't want to see it, they won't.
No matter how I try to get them to see it.
It took me a long time to see how I was being.
I didn't want to see it.
All the shame and regret
wasn't something I wanted to face let alone look at...

But when we don't face it and don't look at it....
We have a chance of just staying the way we were.
And not changing for the better.

I heard back from my lawyer today. 
She said that the insurance company is offering a settlement. 
Looking at around $7,500.
I have to pay the lawyer out of that
and I think I'll have to pay the Chiropractor, too. 
Not sure if he already got paid by the insurance company
or if I have to pay him... 
But that still leaves me with something. 
I can put it towards my debt and be done with that. 
But thinking about maybe making some investments.
So that it might come out to more, later.
And then pay my debt and everything out of that....
I want to be wise with the money this time
because I don't get many opportunities to have lump sums.

She said that she'll look at trying to get me $12,000.
And I'd be really happy with that.

I just want it to be over with...
I could have tried to take it to court, 
but I might have lost and then I might end up with nothing.
Because if the injuries were more serious, I would.
But I am not paralyzed or anything serious so I'll take the settlement.
Better than nothing. Some form of justice
for having been injured and missing out on my plans.

My son was supposed to be on the claim, too, 
and he would have got some money, 
but he didn't want to go through with the appointments
and the treatments etc. And would not cooperate
when I told him that I needed information from him etc.
So I took him off the claim. 
He wasn't talking to me and isn't talking to me now.
And he could have just cooperated, listened to me....
I could have got him some money, too.

There's still money for his education just waiting for him.
And he isn't talk to me. Wants nothing to do with me.
Don't know how to get that money to him....
Hasn't even told me that he wants it.

And I've been on the fence about how I feel.
Because of everything.
I love him, I know that I do.
He never believed me when I told him that.
And some of it was my fault.

But like I said, I can't seem to tell anyone how I feel.
Without it being a thing.

I wish some people would just listen to me.
But they don't.... I don't know why, but they don't.
Like they just don't believe me... Idk...

Anyway, that money will be pretty nice.

I know someone who got hit by a car and he's partially paralyzed.
He got a big settlement.
He's been living off it for the past 10 years or so....
It sucks that he's had to learn how to walk and talk
and do a bunch of things
and no amount of money can bring him back
to how he once was....

I'm lucky the accident I was in wasn't worse than it was.
I'm not in as much pain as I was in at the time of the accident
and I can move around okay.
Not as great as before, but I can still walk and talk.
If I had to be in the hospital as a result of this, 
and had to do rehab stuff, 
I'd probably be taking them to court.

As it stands, the settlement is more than what I thought
and I might not end up with a lot after the lawyer fees
and everything else, but at least it is something.
And I'd rather just take what I can get at this point.

My back isn't 100%, but I can still walk and talk.
At least I didn't break my neck and end up in a wheelchair.

And I don't have flashbacks or nightmares about the accident.
It could have been a lot worse than it was. Really could have been.
Was more of an inconvenience than anything.
And I'm not in as much pain as I was in....
So there's that, too.
And once I take the settlement, it'll be over.

It's not enough for a down payment on a house, 
but like I said, I can put it towards my debt.
I can feel good about getting closer to being debt free.
I can find a good investment and something that will pay....
So that I won't be stuck like this....
AND be able to get out of debt....
AND be able to pay out what I need to...

So I have to think about this and get some good advice.
Something that will help me in the long run....
Something that will give me some ROI....
Something passive and I set it up once....
And then I have it just... Working for me.
"Work smarter, not harder...."

I might look into that business opportunity....
I might not have enough money for it, 
but if I did, it could be an investment...

But I'll see what advice that I can get....
I'll ask a few people who have businesses
and see what opportunities are out there
before I decide what to do.

As it is, not many people know about PLR.
PLR is great and all of that, but....
Not everyone knows what it is. Or wants it.
Basically, people have to know what it is
and what to do with it to make any real money with it.

So I can keep trying to get somewhere with it, though...
There are some people who make money with it....

I have to find a specific way to make it happen, though.
I'll have to teach people what to do with the products
and how to sell them....
But I have to figure out some good products to sell. 

I've learned how to make editable PDFs.
So I can turn a PDF into a checklist that can actually be ticked off.
AND I can put links into it since it is a PDF.

I can link the PDF to unlisted videos etc.
Even to courses and whatever else.

But the idea is to have many free things
that are actually helpful and useful...
So that people will want to buy from me in the future... 
But not give everything away for free... 

I'm working on my second e-book. 
And there are templates I can use for other stuff....

So we'll see how things go. 
And I'm going to be getting some food soon. 

So a couple things are already looking up for me today.

Anyway, like I said, I have to find ways to take care of myself.
For me. Not because I want anything from anyone else.
It's cool feeling cared about and cared for, 
but that isn't the case with many people. 
Not everyone has had the kind of life they wanted to have, 
that others have had..... That is life.

But, I have to find a way to have something set up for me.
The sooner, the better.
I don't want to feel like I'm constantly spinning my wheels.
And getting nowhere... 

I want to do what others are doing, 
but I want to put my spin on it
so that I can be unique.

AND get out of this rut of starvation and survival....
In all ways, not just physically....
Mentally, spiritually... All of it....
I want to get to a good place and start feeling better.
Even if a lot of things in my life are falling apart....
I don't have to fall apart with those things....
Or because of those things.... Like I have been....
It's been really hard. Really f*cking hard....
And I've been sad, really sad....

So I want to figure out something.
And get going with it.
Ideally, I would like to have it set up
to help others get set up.
That would be ideal for me.
To help people make money online.
So that they can set themselves up.
And that they don't have to worry so much
about everything. 
At least about that part of their lives.
It's true that money can't buy happiness. It can't.
It can't erase the past, either.

But it can help people eat better
and help people invest in things.
Even in worthy causes....

And hopefully help make the world a better place...

But just having it when they are stuck in other ruts
isn't going to make them automatically happy.

And it bothers me that others looked to me
to fulfill their needs all the time, neglected mine
and expected me to give them what they wanted
and make them happy. 
Even though it wasn't helping me, at all,
it was helping them and they always came to me for help.
But when I needed help, they wouldn't help me.

Anyway.... I have to give to myself
and stop looking to others to reciprocate....