Locked Doors

About shame.... In this book, there's two types of shame. 
Positive and negative shame. 
It says that negative shame acts like a locked door. 
And that we don't want people to know what's behind
said locked door. 

I've told a few people some things about myself
and had those things held against me. 

I rarely tell anyone things. And I shouldn't.
Unless I can trust them and unless they can help me. 
Even if they can't... I don't know anymore. 

The power of shame keeps people's hearts locked. 
The times I told someone something, it's likely that I trusted them.

I still feel like I need to do something. 
Like if I don't, nobody else will. 
It's a very difficult situation. 
Very difficult and I don't want to make things even worse. 

So I don't know what to do at this point. 
Thought about writing a letter. 
Sending letters. 
The email sent to his father probably went unread. 
I think any letters I write will go unread. 
And it might p*ss him off that I'm trying to contact him
when he doesn't want to be contacted by me. 

Either that, or try to call him from another number. 
Which might p*ss him off. 

Or step down. Completely. 
And wait to see if he contacts me. 
He is pretty angry with me. 

This is pretty much all I can think of. 
And I just wish for a good outcome. 

And my friends are urging me to restart my life
and just get back to myself. Start living again.... It's hard. 

I'm really having a hard time walking away.

That, and I wanted to continue with my business....
There are a few things stopping me from doing that. 
One is that someone has some info on me. 
I really hope that he keeps it to himself. 

Two is that I really don't know what will happen in the future.
Three, I'm really lacking confidence in myself. 

I feel like I have to restart, somewhere else.
I get scared and don't feel 100% safe. 
It's not a good feeling. It really isn't. 
That's why it's hard to sleep. 

And I want to believe that I'm okay, 
that things will be okay, but I don't know that. 
Nothing is guaranteed. Not even safety. 
Not even a child loving their parents. 
Or caring like they used to. 

My friends tell me to invest in myself. 
Not to worry so much.
I feel like re-starting somewhere new. 
Like I need to. For my safety.
It's hard to explain why.
It's hard to admit all of that. 

A lot to do with my past. 
But I can't talk about it.

Yes, I seem crazy. I feel crazy. 
It's not that I am. I just seem like it
and I feel like I am...
Like losing my sanity... 
Whatever is left of it....
It really does not feel good. 

"Anything beyond this moment is your imagination."
Someone left that message for me. 

Am I scared about what might happen?
Or am I scared about what could happen?

Based on some things that were said to me and told to me?
Well, those things are f*cking scary.
It's scary. I get scared. I'd rather not be scared. 
But I can't unknow these things. 
Like my worst fears.... 
And it's scary knowing that I can't do anything about it. 
Except for not being afraid anymore.... But I am. 
It's not something that is easy to accept.
And now, what do I do?

Keep telling myself things?
Keep trying to just sleep when I can?
Just keep my door locked?
Sleep in my living room so that I have lots of space
in case I need it, to be close to the door?
Get another lock for the door?
Tell someone I could be in trouble?
Have a plan in case something happens?
Have somewhere safe to go in case I need to?
But tell myself I am okay, 
when I don't know if I am.... 

When there are so many RED flags that I can't just calmly ignore?
That have me on EDGE.... All the time.... 

If I told some of this stuff, it would be.... I don't even know. 

Like I had thought of doing some things
that I would never do and don't know why I thought that. 

But sometimes people think about doing things, 
and just do those things. 
For no real reason except that it crossed their minds. 
Even though they know that it's wrong....

And being unhappy or in pain isn't any reason to hurt anyone. 
Being mad at someone, about something
isn't any reason to hurt someone. 
Two wrongs don't make a right. They don't. 

Some people want to take justice into their own hands. 
The universe has dominion over that. It's not for us. 
At least that is what I believe. 
And not everyone believes what I believe. 

And people hold onto their pain.
Don't know how to release it. 
Or how to express their anger appropriately. 
How to let things go. 
I've had to release some things. 

Fear is keeping me stuck. 
And it keeps me waking up in the middle of the night. 
I used to feel safe, but it got pretty toxic, pretty fast. 
But maybe I was toxic, in the past
and didn't realize it. 
And my son's been with his father who's been toxic for him. 
And I didn't realize it. 
And he blames me for that. 
And blames me for him ever being born. 
And yes, it was my fault, all of it. 

What can I do about it? The past happened. 
What can I do about how anyone feels about it?
Or how they feel about me because of it?
It's scary. It is. 
A lot is out of my control. 
Like how people think. 
I can't tell them how to think. 
I keep struggling with my own thoughts. 

I thought I was safe all along, was I? Am I?
How did my life get like this? It was up to me.
To do what I was supposed to do. 
And not to do what I wasn't supposed to do. 

And I have to go from moment to moment.
Am I safe right now? Okay, go from there.