In This Book (Part 2)

 "The more insecure we are, 
the more we preceive situations as dangerous to us."
And anger is to protect us from danger. 
It seems to mask pain. 
And I've been angry over wanting control
over something I had no control over.
I had that pointed out a couple of times. 
And I started seeing how that was true. 
And this was a habitual thing. 

I never had road rage or whatever. 
I've only driven someone else's car a few times. 
I've never owned a vehicle. 

In Russia, they have dash cams because road rage is common. 
I've seen some of the videos and they are pretty wild. 

I don't get nearly as angry as I used to get. 
I think the last time I got pretty angry
was when I was being emotionally abused.
And because there was a situation
that was beyond my control. 

Actually, I got pretty angry with my brother
for not respecting my wishes when I told him to leave
for raging in my face and trying to control me
in my own home, and disrespecting me.
That was probably the angriest I've gotten in a long time. 

I usually write about stuff that bothers me.
Or talk about it. If it really bothers me. 

It takes a lot of effort to restructure our thinking. 
Which is why when people point out what is wrong with my thinking
It helps me to restructure my thinking. 

The one person who was helping me with this the most... 
I don't know if he will talk to me anymore. 
Part of me wants to reach out, 
but another part tells me to leave him alone. 
That I've already bothered him too much. 

And there are times that he's been frustrated with me, clearly. 
I reached out to him so much that it seemed 
that I was only going to him for help. 
I had nobody else to go to, and he'd been helping me the most. 
I didn't want it to look that way, because it wasn't. 
I tried explaining that, but just made it look worse. 
It really wasn't like that. 
And I made it look pretty bad. 
How could it look bad if it wasn't like that?
Well, it wasn't like that, at all. 
But I shouldn't have been asking for too much. 
From him or from anyone. 
Trying to explain that wasn't what it seemed, either. 
Seemed like I was trying to justify myself, which I wasn't. 
So if I lost what might have been a solid connection, that's on me. 
Been feeling that, too, lately. 

I'd already been pretty isolated over the last year or so. 
And that isn't anyone's problem, but mine. 
On top of the other issues I have. 
Some of which I can't do a lot about, right now. 
I need other people to cooperate with me
and they choose not to. 
I mean when it comes to some specific issues. 
But there are people who have issues with me. 
Because of the way some things seemed or seem.
When they aren't the way they seemed or seem. 
But trying to explain that is.... Challenging. 
Because I don't do it right. Or well. 
So I make it worse and seem worse. 
Maybe I wasn't fully aware of how it seemed, 
but I was worried that it'd seem that way
because it wasn't. 

When I see him online, I want to talk to him. 
But all the times I felt like I needed to.... 
Kinda make me feel like I can't, now.
He hasn't blocked me, but I feel like I can't reach out, now.
And I think that he's talking to someone else.
If he's got something going on, I want to be happy for him.
He's not a bad guy and I can't say anything bad about him.
He treated me very well.
Probably better than I deserved tbh.

I wait for him to reach out to me, but he isn't.
And I reached out to him too much before. 

I wish I wasn't losing my f*cking mind most of the time.
I mean, I have to sort out a lot of stuff
that I somehow thought that I'd have more time to sort out
but I can only do that with cooperation that I wasn't getting. 
And what can I do about the things that I don't know about?
I have to learn as much as I can about the situation. 
I was only acting on what I knew that I could act on
and I wasn't using the right methods. 
Or taking the right approach to things. 

As much as others have been disappointed and frustrated with me, 
I've been pretty disappointing and frustrating to myself. 
To the point that I've been angry with myself. 
Even though there are a lot of things that I can't control
like how people react to me. 
But they'd have a better reaction to me had I done better. 
At communicating, articulating, explaining.... Connecting. 
And that's on me for having those issues. 
They are not their issues. 
They are good communicators. 
They can articulate. They can explain. 
Very well. 

Even when I'm blogging, I don't feel like I get to truly
explain my thoughts and feelings in ways that make sense. 
I mean, just because they make sense to me, 
doesn't mean they make sense to others. 
And some things seem certain ways that they aren't. 
Because of communication issues, and other things. 

And loneliness causes some issues. 
And for whatever reason, when I'm really attracted to someone, 
I want to talk with them more and more. 
Which isn't always a good thing. 
Especially when I want to know what they think of me. 
I know better than to want to know how people feel about me. 
Not too many people will tell me either of those things. 
So why do I want to know those things?
If I was secure with myself, would it matter?

It was my job to talk to my son about his feelings
and he didn't want to talk about it. 
To talk to him about his beliefs. 
To talk to him about a lot of things.
He didn't want to talk about it with me. 
But how often did he feel like I felt?
I bet more often than not. 
And I tried to tell him that I knew how he felt. 

And I can see why he's mad at me. 
I can see why others are mad at me. 
Can't you see why I'm mad at myself?

Because I didn't get to do my job.
And I ruined things, too. 
And I'm having a hard time forgiving myself. 
For everything.